Should we ask for a contribution?

I would never want to be paid for any childcare but then I never had any unfairness money was always left for shopping for them or food etc and I don’t drive so buses and stuff like that I never thought of just part of it ….BUT…you seem to be doing the main ‘bringing up’ ‘ looking after’ ‘taking around’ so I think you really are being taken advantage of

our daughter is put upon, overworked, and lonely Is this the clue ? Why your daughter is taking you for granted and passing her miseries on to you in her hostility now I ve read your second post obviously your daughter is a very very unhappy controlled lady who you rightly want to help and you have taken much advice over so my take is this

For the sake of the grandkids and your daughter especially, continue if you can here’s one idea would it be possible to divide your ‘out of the house care’ and not both go to everything
Divide it so some days husband helps some days you help at least that way you continue the support but get down rest time
Same with the running round dropping of take it in turns don’t both do everything dividing the workload will surely be helpful
Good luck it’s a really tricky one Dry your tears bite the bullet and see what small changes you can make to relieve yourselves

UPDATE - DD just came round, gave me a big hug and said sorry 🥲. She explained she was depressed and overtired, but knew she shouldn’t have taken it out on us. I told her it’s fine to be tired and grumpy, but just to tell us next time, rather than manifesting it at us in a way that made us feel like pariahs!
Anyway we’ve had this from DD in the past and it can go on for days or even weeks, so this is a good result and I feel much better about it all.
The long term situation unfortunately is what it is. It’s not good, but I can bear it as long as things ok between me and DD.

I agree with Monica.

Good idea BlueBelle, it won't seen so hard if it isn't both of uou every time.

I am glad I have just read your update OP, as I had formed the opinion that it was not the financial outlay which lay at the bottom of your unhappiness, but the feeling of being taken for granted.
Perhaps now things are better you may reach the right time to establish a level of childcare which suits you all, taking into account your own health, and, if relevant, your financial position.

It sounds like an unhealthy situation with you all enabling your SIL's behaviour.. I think it would probably be of benefit for your DD to receive counselling..

I'm pleased to read your latest update, Dorothy and that things are better between you and your DD.

I was going to post this morning that They won't know how you feel unless you tell them, but reading your update about your SIL does put a different light on the situation.
Your SIL sounds as if he could turn things against you although he would be foolish to do so.

You say he's controlling and you have probably witnessed this but could he bit a bit jealous of the close relationship between you, your DD and the DGC and hence come out with snide remarks?

He really needs to spend a bit more time doing things with his children otherwise they'll be left home and he will look back and realise what he missed.

We often have to reschedule work commitments to fit in with grandkids needs, and cancel social invitations.
Sometimes our grandparently duties leave us too tired or too busy to work, and we have to pay for extra help

No, that is not right and you need to find the balance where you can work and enjoy a social life as well as help out with the DGC sometimes.

Good luck, you need to tread carefully but at least you've cleared the air with your DD.

I’ve heard that coercive controllers like to isolate their partners, so your presence in your daughter’s household, much as your SIL may show resentment, is worthwhile and could be making a very positive difference, not just in terms of the practical help you’re providing, but emotionally, too, so it’s we’ll worth maintaining.

Financial matters could legitimately be raised without causing offence, also reducing the amount you do and the time you devote to the family, but perhaps negotiate something more manageable for you while still assuring your daughter and your grandchildren of your supportive presence in their lives. It sounds as though that is what you and they need most in this situation.

I was puzzled to see that there was no mention of what SIL does in this family dynamic, surely they're his children too?

Either way, I would approach the situation like this: Don't directly ask for any monetary contribution, actually the cost of all you do is not really the main issue is it. Rise above DD hostility and be a grown-up and ignore her little spats but do take the opportunity to strike up conversation by saying "Dad and I were chatting on the way home the other evening and we wondered if you have a contingency plan for if we are ill, have an accident or an appointment? We wouldn't be able to help out like we do would we?" At that point you could say "after all, we aren't getting any younger are we"?

Just a thought Dorothy but I have to say that I think your DD and SIL are taking the proverbial.

Time to get involved in something else (choir, book club - ANYTHING) and then you will truthfully be able to say, sorry, no we have something on. They are being rude and exploitative.

Pleased you are feeling better Dorothy and hope things improve but as you say, this has happened before, so still think you should slowly cut back on the frequency of care.

Op

The pariah comment to your daughter is very unkind

How about offering support to her instead of scolding her like a child because your feelings were hurt?
She has been down before, I hope she is getting help for it

Unless anybody put a gun to your head and you had no choice but to provide childcare for years, this is a choice YOU made, sacrifice your social and work commitments so you could spend time with your gc
So if you feel used, it is because you chose to continue to childcare instead of addressing it with the parents of the gc when your resentment started

As for not having "quality time with the gc", so many gc would love to be in your position

Every second you spend with your gc is quality time - because you don't do the activities you want to do with them doesn't mean they won't remember fondly of the time you spent with them

So many grandparents, not gc

I felt so sad reading all this (I have read all the comments). You must feel so despairing. I do loads for my DD and SIL and have the kids a lot, do early school runs to save the kids from being farmed out etc. I do get lots of thanks and it matters so much. It's lovely that your daughter came round and made things better, but I am assuming that it will happen again. I think you are the reason the GC have a chance of growing up with some happiness, living with a put down mum and a controlling dad can't be easy. I know how tired and worn I feel a lot of the time and how I wish to be able to live a different version of my life, but I know things will change eventually. I hope things change for the better for you both too.

Unless anybody put a gun to your head and you had no choice but to provide childcare for years, this is a choice YOU made, sacrifice your social and work commitments so you could spend time with your gc

Such choices are rarely made as a "one off". When you become deeply involved in supporting another person its usually a process that creeps up on you, drip drip drip.

You begin by doing one kind act. Then they ask you to do something else, and So it goes on. You feel mean refusing because you know it will mean tears or reproaches. Soon you are doing all their shopping, making all their phone calls, paying their bills at the post office and so on. Ive had this happen to me and I consider myself to be a powerful and assertive woman.

So I think your judgement is a bit harsh.

The pariah comment to your daughter is very unkind

I was an honest expression of how they felt which they are entitled to express!!

Dorothy, you and your DH are very much needed by your DD and GCs. You must decide how to reduce the amount you do for them. Lots of helpful suggestions here.
Are you getting any fun time for yourselves? Even inviting friends in for drinks or going out on a trip to eg an NT property. We all need relaxation and enjoyment.

Such threads really upset me. What is wrong with those parents who expect GPs to take over huge amounts of childcare- and without even a bit of grace and thank yous- and then blackmail GPs! Either you do what we tell you to do, when and where and how- or else!

This is so so so wrong.

Yes, everybody is has an opinion - entitled to express it?
Sure! But also the person receiving that opinion is entitled to have his/her own opinion and react accordingly

It goes both ways

Entitled to your own opinion doesn't mean it is appropriate or adequate for the situation

Yes, acts of kindness starts as one off and a person may take a mile when you give an inch (generally speaking)

We can only control our own behaviour, recognize the person is a user and stop letting being used.

The OP comes off as a martyr for actions she chose to do.

So much controlling and cohersive behaviour from ACs- and some cases, as this one, even by proxy.

Hithere, which post were you replying to above?

erm, a housekeeper/ nanny/aupair/childminder/ mug/ is what you two are, flying under a flag of loving, concerned “grandparents” stop now, let the cards fall where they will, or, carry on being martyrs,

Can I suggest a short ‘not feeling well’ brake for you both. They can’t expect you to share your bugs!!

Then when you feel ‘well enough’ I think you will be surprised perhaps in their attitude to you. However I think as part of returning you need to be clear that you are not as young as you were … and you all need to sit down to work out a plan to reduce the travelling (and especially staying in house when not wanted).

Treat it as a reset button. On the financial side I’m not keen personally on asking for money (although we don’t do regular childcare) but do expect a reciprocal arrangement eg being dropped off at airport etc.

As a matter of interest, how much does a week of childcare in nursery cost these days?

Fleurpepper

As a matter of interest, how much does a week of childcare in nursery cost these days?

My grandaughter left nursery care last July around £45 per day