Are we being unreasonable?

Lathyrus a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

No.

There are rules for everything in society. People actually raising children have rules for how they will be tended to. What foods they shall eat, what clothes they shall wear, when they shall go to bed, if they may ride in cars, if they shall be out and about. I had rules for my children too.

No battle. Babysit if you want, follow the parents rules.

Easy, really.

You are not being unreasonable. Your son and his partner are being ridiculous!

VioletSky unless a grandparent is a registered childcare provider parents can't use the government tax breaks to pay any fees.

Even when a grandparent is a registered childminder, and looking after other children as well, they can't claim the 15 or 30 hours Early Education Funding payment for their grandchildren at three and four years of age ☹️

Ah, thanks V3ra

Norah

Lathyrus a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

No.

There are rules for everything in society. People actually raising children have rules for how they will be tended to. What foods they shall eat, what clothes they shall wear, when they shall go to bed, if they may ride in cars, if they shall be out and about. I had rules for my children too.

No battle. Babysit if you want, follow the parents rules.

Easy, really.

Yes I guess so. Parenting just seems such heavy weather nowadays. All rules and restrictions. Hard work for everyone. Parents, grandparents and for the children. Not much enjoyment. Loads of angst.

I think I must have been a very lax mother?

Gabrielle56

TiggyW

Not sure I understand about the car seat - they shouldn’t be sold on as second hand. ? If that’s just an excuse, it’s sounds as though they don’t trust your driving. If that’s not the case, just buy your own car seat. I would definitely sit down with the parents and talk it through, though. I can’t see why they object to your grandson being at your house - ours loves coming to ours just because of the novelty, because we don’t see him very often.

control: it's ALL about control. DiLs are a species all to their own and are so predictable in their savage behaviour towards their inlaws.it;s as if they have to conquer and destroy in order to wrench control of the male mate from his loving Mater! frankly? they're SO wrong if they imagine we actually want our sons back!!! well rid in most cases and best in very small doses but you try telling the females that!!

That's ridiculous. When my kids weren't going to my ILs it was because I've seen my MIL run red lights and because of the dog they had minimal control over that attacked people, including myself. Protecting your children is not being controlling.

They should count their blessings for the free childcare, and be prepared to compromise.
My parents babysat my first child for one evening. He cried for a lot of the time, and they never offered again for any of their 5 grandchildren.

While it’s perfectly reasonable to say “it’s simply to much trouble , not possible,difficult etc for me to watch the little man at your home” and then choose not watch him if the parents decide they still don’t want him being transported by car etc, it’s also perfectly reasonable for the parents, HIS parents , to make a decision that they prefer he be in their home while they’re away. That they prefer you not be driving him in your car. He is, after all their child.

It’s not about whether I feel their being reasonable, or anyone else does - at the end of the day it’s about what you’re willing to loose to stand yourself ground. You say the boys mother has stayed home the last three fridays so you wouldn’t be transporting him. Seems your son and his wife have made a decision that if you can’t, or won’t spend the day with him in their home they simply don’t need you to do it. Well within their rights. They seem to be managing without your “help”. So the question is really are you willing to sacrifice those precious afternoons with him because you aren’t permitted to drive him places ? Because it seems that these afternoons were less about your doing a favor for them than they were about you getting some time with your gs.

That's ridiculous. When my kids weren't going to my ILs it was because I've seen my MIL run red lights and because of the dog they had minimal control over that attacked people, including myself. Protecting your children is not being controlling.

Quite reasonably you were not willing to use your MiL for childcare.

The difference is that these parents apparently are! My point is that if they feel their child is not safe then why are they using that childcare atall?
You were ofcourse right not to let your MiL look after your children, in those circumstances you describe

Because it seems that these afternoons were less about your doing a favor for them than they were about you getting some time with your gs

I'm not sure if that is the case or not. I don't think the OP has said if the parents actually need it. Presumably DiL can't take every Friday off from now on, so so childcare is actually needed. Whether that is done by the OP or not depends in the end on them all talking and discussing honestly, each others perspectives, and whether it will work or not. If it isn't going to work for any one of the people involved, then they wil need to make other arrangements.

We have looked after Gdcs - babies, toddlers and older ones - on a regular or one-off basis for nearly 7 years now, and I certainly wouldn’t put up with these sort of conditions. And dd would never expect me to. IMO either they trust you to look after their child properly - or they don’t. And if they don’t, they need to pay £££ for nursery or a childminder instead.

It’s all very well saying ‘their child, their rules’ - but unless there’s a really valid reason (e.g. unsafe driver because of poor eyesight etc.) not IMO when you’re expecting (presumably) free childcare!

If I had decided (all those years ago) that I didn't want my child in my mother-in-law's car or to be cared for in her home (for whatever reason) I would have taken the financial hit of losing a day at work - if I possibly could - rather than go against what I thought was my child's best interests.
I would have shifted my days if possible so that my husband was available or I would have come to an arrangement with a friend (which I did anyway, later on) so that my precious little one was away from whatever caused me worry.

I see this is not the same as some others views/approach but I think it's still valid.

It's valid for parents to say "this" is ok but not "that".
In this instance it seems to me they have sorted it themselves so far.

As regards the "nothing to do" situation, we lived in a tiny village when my children were small. The house where most of them were born was one of only seven in the easily walkable area and I didn't drive. We were never bored though as there was always plenty to do.
Tiny people don't need a lot of "places" they need attention.

Good luck with this. Please don't push your family away by insisting on things being your way.

ordinarygirl

modern day generation - Me, Me,! Me. No consideration of other people's needs. It sounds as though there is no concept that you have needs too?

Who is being "me" "me" "me"?
The grandparent or the parents?

Lathyrus

Norah

Lathyrus a lot of the posts seem to present having grandchildren as a kind of battle. Calling the shots, holding all the cards, their rules, your rules.

No.

There are rules for everything in society. People actually raising children have rules for how they will be tended to. What foods they shall eat, what clothes they shall wear, when they shall go to bed, if they may ride in cars, if they shall be out and about. I had rules for my children too.

No battle. Babysit if you want, follow the parents rules.

Easy, really.

Yes I guess so. Parenting just seems such heavy weather nowadays. All rules and restrictions. Hard work for everyone. Parents, grandparents and for the children. Not much enjoyment. Loads of angst.

I think I must have been a very lax mother?

Me too Lathyrus!!

Sorry, ordinarygirl I have just re-read this - I can see you think the parents are the "me" ones.

I don't.

Life is not fair or unfair based on the other party agreeing with you or not

When your kids went to you demanding a toy that "everybody else had and they needed it too", what do you do?
You say yes and buy it?
You say no and kid cries "its unfair"?

Entitlement is present in all generations.
If somebody wants help and asks but help is given with conditions that benefit the giver, not the requester - who is the entitled here?

In this post - grandparents are entitled big time
If you have plans and you cannot do both (plans and babysitting) at same time, pick, just dont blame the other person because the perfect plan in your head is not possible

You all seem to missing the point, the Adult son has been driving the GS to Emmas64's home for the last 18 months, ok she has not been able to take him out in a car, but its been in her house and she's been able to take GC out for walks.
Now he's given car back, but wants Emma64 to drive to his house instead!!!! Why can he not continue to drive GS to Emma64's house in what ever transport he has now? Has he no money for fuel? When GC goes to Nursery and preschool they will have to take him there.

The car is obviously "living" at Emma's, sparkynan. I read it as though he now has no car. He doesn't want to have Emma driving his toddler - we don't know the reason. I think this is why they have apparently "sold" the car seat. I personally read into that that they were looking at a kind way to say not to drive with the little one.

Could be wrong but this is how it seems.

Exactly sparkynan. The 'rules' appear to have been changed with no explanation as to why and before anyone says ' their child their rules, they don't need to explain' I think they do.

The OP hasn't been back which is a shame as it would be interesting to know if her son's been in touch and they've had the discussion he said they needed, or if the poor woman is still waiting and wondering what's going to happen.

Witzend

We have looked after Gdcs - babies, toddlers and older ones - on a regular or one-off basis for nearly 7 years now, and I certainly wouldn’t put up with these sort of conditions. And dd would never expect me to. IMO either they trust you to look after their child properly - or they don’t. And if they don’t, they need to pay £££ for nursery or a childminder instead.

It’s all very well saying ‘their child, their rules’ - but unless there’s a really valid reason (e.g. unsafe driver because of poor eyesight etc.) not IMO when you’re expecting (presumably) free childcare!

This was my response too. I’ve never heard of such restrictions being imposed on GPs who look after GC. Reading through OPs comments again suggests to me that the problem lies in the relationship OP has with DD and DIL

Emma's son no longer has Emma's car, he gave it back and sold the carseat.

Son says they need to discuss "things" in the next few weeks.

Time for son and dil to make work schedule arrangements? Transport arrangements?

They've asked Emma to babysit in their home. She'd prefer to babysit in her home. They may be looking for an easier alternative.

I don't understand any rush to having discussion. It'll work out.

Agree with Hithere

Grandparents looking after a toddler one day a week is not comparable to professional childcare, If you send your child to Day care, no one there takes them out without your permission and a whole sheaf of paperwork.

There is the world of difference between a grandparent caring for a child in a known safe and contained environment (ie, his own home) and taking him out by car or on foot.

My PIL would be quite capable of looking after my son at home, mine or theirs (though there is a lot more to break at theirs). But I would not trust their driving, and they are not active and quick enough on their feet to manage a young child outside. They can't catch him. They can't stop him running off. It doesn't matter how experienced you are, or how many children you have raised. If you are getting older and slower, you may no longer be able to care for small children safely. That is sad, but it is reality. It's the job of the parents to put the child's safety first.

It can be quite difficult to tell your parent that they are no longer physically capable of taking a child out safely, but that might well be the issue.

OP has basically two choices. Follow their rules, or not get alone time with her grandson. That's how it is.

So you work the rest of the week and look after your GC on the one day during the week you have off - all day in their home, from 7am without the means to leave the house ? It never crosses their minds that you may have things to do and that their restrictions are inconveniencing you ?

If there have never been any issues while you are looking after your GC, then what is it that bothers them about you either taking GC out in the buggy or the car ? It sounds as though they’re trying to control his environment and I think you need to get to the bottom of that, because unless there’s a valid reason, it’s unhealthy. As other posters have pointed out, you are doing them a favour and saving them quite a bit of expense by looking after GC even for one day a week. I know that money isn’t the point, but I wouldn’t think it would be easy to find child minding services prepared to accept these kinds of restrictions, so maybe it’s time for a discussion to find out what the root of the problem is and find the best way to accommodate everyone.

I would buy another car seat new from a reputable dealer with current safety standards. The standards do change Halfords sell reasonably priced seats and fit them. I have always had my own car seats. I have also been asked to pick up sick GC from nurseries so these have been so useful for the AC to know that I can be there for emergencies not just the days the days I looked after GC.
You need to have the chat and have a list of places you could go to Soft play, animal park, trampoline park all exciting things for a child, as well as the indoor activities baking, art, reading that you do with the child
It is important that they know you are not just babysitting the child but are helping with the child’s development and making sure you all have a go