Paternal Grandmother

I actually do more babysitting than both maternal grandmothers in the more difficult circumstances, including cancelling my own plans to help. But when it comes to the fun stuff, the maternal grandmothers get preferential treatment. I'm not gonna lie - it's heartbreaking at times.

It’s the opposite here as our dd is a secretive person and our visits, some distance away to be fair, we’re regulated. Then often when we arrived we were allocated jobs before even a cuppa was offered. Like mow the lawns dad, mum can you make the beds now. A peek at the grandchild, then grandchildren but jobs first. Said gc are now late teens and although they’re affection when we see them, twice a year, we don’t hear from them though I do have a WhatsApp group with them which gets used a bit particularly when exams or holidays are happening. They now live a four or five hour drive away. So it’s not going to improve.
Fortunately there are gc in the same area here from ds and ddl so no shortage of visits but definitely missed out on dd’s children.

PrincessJonsie That is SO hard and very hurtful for you. I'm so sorry that happened. 💐

I'm so sorry that you were treated this was Princessjonsie. Why on earth would anyone treat someone in this way, especially your son!!!

At the very least your GS should have been allowed to open his present from you, before you went home .

It doesn't help that I lost my mum when she was 35 and I was 14

There you have it in your own words. In your own experience, you recognise how special the bond is between mother and daughter. That's exactly what your DIL is experiencing and demonstrating . She is a new mother and turns to her own mother. You missed that; but they have it.

So, stop feeling it's any personal slight against you; it isn't. It's just natural, especially when the baby is so new/ young. You WILL get to babysit him in just a short time.

As he grows, and his character and nature emerge, each grandmother and each grandfather will develop their own unique relationship with him. It's not a popularity contest.

We are the paternal GP's . Your time will come, as ours has.

So 4 years on the child is now at nursery or maybe school by now How is it going with an older grandson are you still seeing him once a week Bluespark ?

I read your post and it ring very true . It’s my grandson 4th birthday today. I have him a whole day on the weekend to give them a break as they have an 8 month old. If they need anything I jump and help . Feed the cat when on holiday and am always available. I have begged to help with the party , offering my services . I was asked to provide helium balloons so that’s what I did. I made myself useful and helped as much as I was allowed . At the end I stayed and cleaned up . Everyone from my DIL family were all outside and it was said everyone was going to their respective homes. I ask my son to take a pic when he opened my presents. I was thinking they had gone home just the four of them. Turns out they had all gone back to her mother’s house to watch him open all his gifts . I was sent home . I’m so upset so I feel your pain x

@Babushka1 that's generally because the mother of the baby will be taking care of 80-90% of childcare so, if childcare isn't equal, it's unlikely the balance of access will be equal unless the bond with a DIL is strong.

What type of relationship do you have with your DIL? Generally women (as we know) are the main childcare and it's expected they are the kin-keepers too so if you're not particularly close to your DIL, it makes sense that she would make plans with her own family and trust them with her baby. It also makes sense that she would gravitate towards her own mother when seeking advice on motherhood. I'm not saying that it's JUST her baby but men are often at work/not dealing with the day to day so childcare and access will generally be planned by the mother of the baby. Your grandchild isn't going anywhere, you have many more years to build a relationship and bond. I would advise you don't compare the relationships of other people (each relationship is unique and things don't have to be equal) and instead focus on making any time you have with your DIL and baby as fun as possible.

Once a week sounds perfectly reasonable, tbh.
We didn’t have anyone babysit our children before one year.

The reality is people who raise their sons to be family oriented and considerate don’t look to someone else’s child to facilitate their family relationships just because that other person is a woman.

The reality is that emotionally healthy people don’t keep tallies of visits or engage in competitive grandparenting.

This post is 4 years old but no doubt relevant. I had to smile at one post from the mother of four daughters and no sons, saying, parents have rights to their children and gp no rights.
The reality is girls stick to their mothers (usually) lots are resentful of mil although they fell for the son she raised. My d mil saw gc as much as I did.

1summer if only all maternal grandmothers were like you. What a wonderful woman you are. You encouraged your daughter to let the paternal grandmother be more involved. No maternal grandmother knows exactly what we go through. It is physically painful. I have heard so many people say that it isn't a competition. Well the fact is, it is utterly unfair to us paternal grandmothers who want to be involved in our grandchildren's life. So, from where we are standing...which is further away than you.... it seems to be a competition as it is always unfair and it always favours the maternal grandmothers . I wonder if the maternal grandparents would say that it wasn't a competition if they weren't as involved?? Stop being so insensitive. And maybe encourage your daughter's to involve us paternal grandmothers more and not as an after thought.

Lots of excellent advice in this thread - well done and thank you!

Germanshepherdsmum

No such thing as grandparents’ rights in the UK.

No need.

Parents have 'rights' to their children, not GP rights.

I’m a very hands on Maternal grandmother who has from the start supported my daughter when she was so tired in the beginning, helped with housework, listened to her suffering with PTS from the birth and watched her blossom into an amazing mum.
My daughter wouldn’t have felt comfortable going through that in front of anyone else so please don’t feel slighted as they are trying to find their feet in their new sleep deprived role as parents.

Our DGS was born in lockdown and for the first year of his life SIL did not allow us within 2 metres of him.

He is now nearly three and it has become clear over recent visits that DH and I are not to have any contact with him except supervised by one of his parents.

DH has asked his DD about this, but she has been evasive, so we are none the wiser. His paternal grandparents look after him two days a week and have done for nearly two years.

SIL is very much a helicopter parent (always hovering), but not to have the simple pleasure of taking DGS to the park for an hour is upsetting for both of us.

MarySa I suggest you start your own new thread..many posters will only read original post on this thread and then comment and will not see your request for advice

Sarah wrote:
"I don’t think it’s anything to do with primal instinct. Most men will acquiesce for an easy life."

So true in all manner of social situations!

Elizabeth is quite right; paternal grandparents do tend to lose out in our society. This happens especially when the maternal families concerned are traditional people.

You did well to ask the grans, as you will find here a lot of practical ideas to see the baby more often.

I get on well with my son and daughter in law and they have just been to stay over Xmas. Granddaughter is nearly 3 years and lovely. Daughter in law anxious over feeding and offers 3 or 4 alternatives every mealtime which she does not eat much of. Plenty of energy though. No set bedtime either and she takes a time to settle and daughter in law has to lie next to her. Still wakes at least once a night and cries for half an hour. Daughter in law has to lie down next to her again I believe. Son seems not to worry and they both get on together well. Temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. Daughter in law looks stressed and tired. They don't live close but we visit every month and take her out for the afternoon. I did say one or two things, I probably shouldn't have. But I feel for them especially my D i L who seems tired, she said she was.
Me too, I felt tired! Any advice would be welcome. D I L works, other granny looks after her part time. Part time nursery place may come up soon. Any advice welcome.

PLease, please do NOT just pop round. OMG New Parents just four months in, trying to sort out a whole new life for themselves. Nothing could be worse than someone just popping round.

ONe of my daughters who had a good reltionshop with her MIL - fell out big time with her because that is what she kept doing when a baby was born.

There is no competitions between g.parents, and a baby is for life, not just a few months.

Just be happy that you are seeing this babe reasonably often, as it grows older will probably be more times, provided you do not alienate the parents now.

Be supportive, maybe doing some washng or ironing, etc not just visiting to see babe, but recognising the adults needs.

I understand totally where you are coming from .. I have this issue .. but I keep telling myself it’s my problem not theirs and I’ve looked up lots of advice on google
One article suggested to look at a different angle and understand that my contribution is important but njst different that’s all and I feel personally that as long as everyone is well and happy then hubby and I are going with the flow … they have also been through a lot before this pregnancy and we are doting grandparents .. also we are paternal grandparents to 3 other beautiful grandchildren too .. I do all I can not to whinge and moan as this just looks awful and gives me as the one who is the problem .. I keep my dignity and I live and breath my babies .. adore my sons and their wives are fantastic wives and mothers so I’m taking all the good from tbis .. I’ve known grandparents to lose contact all together because they just couldnt handle the situation and mauve said to much .., life is too short and I will never allow myself to be the issue .:: I love our babies too much for that and let’s face it .., at my age … I’m 59 .. life is too short .. I want our babies to remember us as gracious with dignity .. human yes …. but memories of us that will positive and loving 🤗❤️❤️

We were in the same situation as you bluesparkle. You can’t help how your heart feels. You love that little boy with all your heart and when other people get to spend time cuddle & love them while you are turned away / not considered / rejected, it hurts.
The way we dealt with it was to say “ we are here whenever you need us. Just ask”.
A few months down the line when the novelty of a new baby had worn off. We got to see much more of him.

A final thank you to everyone, although I do feel some of you have reacted rather strongly! I was simply airing my feelings and asking if anyone had experienced similar. Many of you have been very helpful. I am more relaxed (or certainly presenting as such) about things now and it seems to have helped in all directions. Thank you again, I will now park this thread. Best wishes to all x