How do I discipline step-grandchildren - help please

Thanks Aggie. They're 5 and 7 and their eating preferences are unpredictable!

Thanks Septimia. I do try to find out what they want to eat but they are unpredictable. Yes, I am hoping for 'improve with age'.

Agree with geekese

OP
How much experience do you have around kids?

Thanks, that's really helpful. I do have a step-grandson whom I adore and have a great relationship with, but different people have different parenting styles...

Thank you, that's really good to know.

I'm not trying to be any kind of granny of the year, I'm just a fallible human - why is there any kind of expectation of granny perfection? Not all children are adorable. I have a step-grandson of three whom I adore, these two are just somewhat wild.

I'm very sorry I am such an imperfect human being. I won't bother to ask for guidance again.

Lots of outside play exhausting them sounds like a plan. Park, woods, beach? Borrow/meet a friend who owns a dog and take dog's ball? Frisbee, football French cricket - have the stuff ready by the front door.
Walk them to a local shop to buy a magazine each (ridiculously expensive btw) - they have stickers, cut out stuff and activities. Stories for you
to read to them
Pack the breakable stuff away.
Distraction - colouring books, washable felt tips. Kids' scissors. Painting? Cake mix. Playdoh. Lego (borrow from granny mates?). A messy area (with aprons). In fact chat to other grannies for resources and borrow.
Picnic - they can make sandwiches?
Videos, Netflix, iPad games all prepared beforehand.
Good luck

JillN, I appreciate how you feel. I am a doting granny to MY grandson but am not keen on other peoples young children.

To be honest, I would not have other peoples children in my house. I do at times AT THE MOMENT, for my grandson to play with, but once he is older, it won't happen.

We are not all into children. Out of my own home, whatever the parents want to do is up to them. But I don't like my home being ripped apart. Used to happen many years ago with nephews and neices and I hated it then.

Why can't grandad take them out somewhere? The way I see it, if it isn't his house, why does he get to dictate what happens in it?

BUT the others are right. You don't get to discipline other peoples children. I'd tell your partner he can pay for all damages and put anything with sentimental value away.

At 5 and 7 they should certainly be old enough to know how to behave in someone else’s house.
From your original post I had imagined younger children.
They do sound a handful JillN so you have my sympathy!
Obviously we have to expect a certain amount of noise with visiting children, but running through the house screaming at their age isn’t acceptable.Don’t the parents make any attempt to calm them down?

I agree with others that it would be best to cook meals which they like, so that should be one potential problem averted !

Maybe the answer would be to plan days out with them.
Are you National Trust members? Most properties these days have activities for children and there are extensive grounds for them to run around (but hopefully, for the sake of others, not screaming!)

You could eat out there so if they order something then not eat it, it’s not your problem !

Put your stuff away as most people would do it's not that difficult. Bring it back out when theyve gone. Put a bit of effort into amusing them as you would any guest into your home and they will love you for it.

Wow, a lot of very harsh judgment here. I’m relatively new to gransnet but must admit the advice is usually kinder and more balanced than on this thread. Maybe people are having a bad day. I’m sorry you’re dreading the visit. I would agree that putting away valuable breakable things is just common sense, if irritating. Regarding their manners, yes, it’s a pain in the a** , try to be the bigger person and thank the gods that you only have them for a day or two!! Best of luck, and try not to work yourself up too much about them. Maybe they are nervous too, especially their mum!

How long are they staying? Just a day or overnight?
Count to five, put on a big smile, make them feel Welcome and encourage their grandfather to take them out for a while and you put your feet up.
If you aren’t careful they will pick up on your feelings which would be a pity for everyone especially your partner.
Hopefully it won’t be as bad as you fear.

Snap MissElly

Even if grandad takes the children out there will still be time to be spent in the house and children are not ornaments or perfect. I’m afraid I’m the sort of step granny where they climb the mountain…. over the back of the sofa. Make a tent/nest under the table using every available cushion and throw. And make obstacle courses using dining chairs, coffee table and furniture. One game is to cross from one end of the room to the other without touching the floor. Another indoor game is to have two balloons on the go and see how long to keep them in the air. Adults are included. That one is a blast. 6 grandchildren from 4 - 14 and never a breakage or damage. I’ve never moved anything out of the way. Just no shoes allowed on the furniture.

I’d suggest op removes everything she will worry about. Get it all out of harms way doing it with good grace. Have mum cook their food. Tell mum to treat the kitchen/home as her own. Feel free to use the washing machine etc.
Honestly op. Greet them openly and joyously and you could have a great time. Nothing material is worth any bad feeling.
Do this for your partner/husband.
Bite your tongue if necessary but keep smiling and laughing.
And when they go home do not list to your partner/husband their faults or misdemeanours. He will love you the more for it.

Vinegar is no good, it’s smiles, kindness and maybe even cuddles.

I agree with the post suggesting putting valuables away. Maybe show one to the girls and tell them the story behind it and how valuable it is to you.

Expecting children of that age to be totally into foods they may not be familiar with or have never seen isn’t realistic. Could you invite them to help you prepare a simple dish? The time together could help form a bond based on companionship rather than distrust and anxiety.

You may come to a time where they are pleasurable and you can enjoy them.

Discipline is for their parents.

I can remember when I was growing up, my aunt had an entire house of antiques and breakables. She always said she refused to put them away and said she never had a single thing broken in all her years of having kids visit. She had expectations and we all knew it. That being said, kids are raised differently these days. I never kept any breakables in my house, even Christmas ornaments, because between kids, cats and dogs nothing would have survived. My children still know how to behave in other peoples houses by 5 and 7.

As for the issues at hand, have you considered planning out a menu and asking the kids to cook with you? It could be a family affair.

Kids learn to love more types of food when they have a hand in making it. You could even reach out to mom first and say, I want the kids to cook with me, can we speak about a menu they would enjoy? Let them makes some choices and you make some choices and everyone agrees to try one bite.

This will keep them busy and out of your sitting room and you all may learn to enjoy each other's company more.

If all else fails, find somewhere outside to sit and visit.

I agree with those that have pointed out the unkind responses to a not unreasonable question.
The behaviours described are not 'normal', they are how children are allowed to behave. I'll bet that most Gransnetters had to behave a darn sight better when they were 5 and 7! And if they didn't, they got what was called a clip around the ear!! Not everyone appreciates rudeness and those children sound rude in the making. As for toys at the table?! It'll be mobile phones next, jolly good.

I agree with Jillyjosie The op has had some harsh responses to a reasonable question. The children sound like brats to me. I wouldn’t have let my children behave like this and certainly didn’t behave like this when I was children! I would have received a dressing down if I had!
However they are the partner’s children and you must grin and bear it for family harmony. I’d take out all valuables and pack away in your bedroom. My other tip would be to spend about £10-20 on some age appropriate toys that can be put in a box that the children can play with while they are there, taking focus away from breakables.
Re fussiness, a number friends provide childcare for their gc and they come over to mine quite often. I have some children friendly food in the freezer, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chips, and carrots, and haven’t had a child that has turned that down yet! Perhaps serve them something that takes 0 effort to serve along with the meal and invite mum into the kitchen to have a glass of wine and help.
Crossing my fingers it all goes well for you!

JillN it seems from your description the children are not exercised enough and are naturally overflowing with energy. Maybe they have been sitting in the car for a long time on their way to your place.

Is there some way you can suggest to the parent the children are taken out into the open air for exercise they enjoy?

I'd be tempted to say to the children that their mother is going to go exploring the park/beach/museum/castle/playground/local squirrels with them.

At meal time maybe set the children to compete with each other to finish the food they are given , first done gets a mystery prize.

Dear judgemental geekesse,
1. I have another room where I can receive guests. My 'knick-knacks' include antique glass and are irreplacable.
2. What is 'normal'? Obviously I am willing to tolerate it for my partner's sake or they wouldn't be coming and I wouldn't be venting my feelings on a private forum.
3. I consider my partner's feelings all the time, which is why I have not explained to him MY feelings.
4. Quite right. It's complicated.
5. The point about not being married is pure pedantry. I have never made any comment about how they interact with their grandfather - they, and he, do as they like. Thanks for the relationship counselling.

PS JillN I sympathise with you . Two neighbouring nine or ten year olds were allowed into my garden to play with my dog, at their request. Not only did they not know how to behave with a dog, they were obviously unaccustomed to gardens and they knocked down a clump of ferns that I had been watching over for weeks.

Your problem is not matter for criticism .It is purely practical problem about hyperactive children who need to be turned loose somewhere safe.

otherwise I wouldn't be venting my feelings on a private forum
JillL this isn’t a private forum our threads often make their way to Gransnet on FB and the Daily Mail if they are interesting enough
Obviously I am willing to tolerate it for my partner's sake
and this is the clue You are maybe not used to children or don’t like children or don’t like these children if you are doing it to placate your partner without your heart in it it will be a nightmare for you, I do hope you can see these two little ones not as monsters but as your partner (who you love) flesh and blood and put your own comfort beyond making it nice for him and them It’s not forever is it surely his happiness comes above your need to be ‘ in charge’ because that’s your problem it is going out if your comfort zone and control
Good luck I hope you can manage

Aww, bless you...what a battering you’ve had! It is hard. I’ve found it hard with my own grandchildren at times, when I’ve felt discipline has not been forthcoming. Especially around food and how to behave in other peoples houses.

Our grandchildren are always supervised in my living room. Nothing to do with anything precious...more safety. Tables these days have such sharp corners, and if they run and trip...?. There are different ways of approaching discipline now it seems, but I know I would never have been allowed to behave like this, and neither were my children. Now it’s all about children ‘ finding themselves’. I just found myself in trouble...constantly!

I don’t know what to advise really. Can I just ask...have you had children/ grandchildren yourself? If not, then it’s even more understandable you struggle. Your husband should be supporting you.

One thing I did do around food which really helped, is I always ask my children to bring their kids main eats with them, and I just top up on treat like nibbles. If they then don’t want it/ half eat it, it’s their own food that’s wasted.

Children are not quite in charge.....yet!

JillN, as BlueBelle points out, GN is NOT a private forum. If you want to vent your feelings privately, this is not a good place to do that. Do you have a close friend you could meet for a coffee to let off steam about all this? Failing that, try sending a private message to one or more of those who have responded in helpful ways to your concerns on this thread, asking if they would be willing to carry on a conversation by PM.