I’m so torn about raising my grandkids

I agree with mumofmadboys, I think you’re a hero bjane to do what you’re doing for your little grandsons.
It used to be quite common for children to live with other members of the extended family & it might well be in the best interests of your GS’s for the both of them for the younger to live with your sister.
I hope you can get the professional help and advice you need to keep the family together.
You don’t say whether your GS’s are at school or kindergarten - presumably CV-19 has affected that, but perhaps things might be easier when they can return to school. I know the picture is different in different parts of the US.
Good luck & let us know how things go.

I know as everyone has already said, in an ideal world the children should be kept together, but there are other considerations, one of which is you.
I say this only because from my experience of having three children in the house for over a year, it’s a strain.
I don’t know all of your circumstances, but I know for us it’s not so bad, everyone has a bedroom, everyone apart from the baby has a bathroom, we have a decent sized garden, and we have three adults in the house.
But the amount of extra cleaning, the endless cooking of meals, the mess everywhere, but most of all for me, the lack of any time to myself, I love silence, and the televisions seem to be on all the time, or electronic games. They tend to wind each other up which inevitably end in tears.
I love them all very much, I’m very pleased that they got out of the situation they were in before lockdown, I’m very close to one grandchild, and the toddler is a constant source of joy and amusement.
But I often feel resentful, and I hate feeling that way.

Bjane02 I couldn't read this and not comment.What an incredibly hard decision to have to make.I can't imagine how much resentment goes to your son.I have a brother like that who has abandoned 2 children! And contributes nothing! I feel for you and for what you're going through.Your sister sounds wonderful too and between you both,you are making a difference to those innocent little ones lives.My brother asked me to keep his son once(his 3rd child and the only 1 he has since stuck with) I would have kept him along with my 4 but the Mother wouldn't allow it.They drink and do some drugs and though their son has witnessed alot and not been cared for the way he should have been,he has done OK thankfully! If the children get to stay with family and can see eachother then that's good.Its not like the state has taken them,thats a whole other ball game.Wishing you all the best for the future with the children.For every rubbish,selfish parent,there are many other wonderful people in the world that will care for their children much better than they ever could!

I think that it's an excellent idea. The children would be staying within the family so relationships will be maintained. You are doing the best you can and that's a huge amount by anyone's standards. Good luck to you all.

No you're not selfish. You and your sister sound like saints to me.
If the alternative to separating them, is local authority care, fostering, adoption, and they'll still see each other often (and wont be traumatised by the split) try it and see.
You are no use to them if you're ground down with it all.
Good luck

Sara1954 my D has looked after 3 of her GC for over a year now and is working in between times too so I know how you feel as D just wishes for a quiet and free life that she had before tragedy hit the family. She's worn out ! At the same time didn't want the alternative for the children as the twins are teens ( 15 in June ) and the other will be 11 tomorrow, they'd suffered enough losing their dad without being snatched by the state.

Is your sister nearby? If she is, you can work together and they could have certain evenings or parts of the weekend with either of you. Would mean you each have a short break and they don't feel they have lost each other. I guess they'd each have more space and attention if they were in separate households - plus having a real relationship with both of you - good for them to know that not just one person bothers about them.

If you live near your sister then the children can be kept in touch and know they are siblings, I can't see a problem

What an awful situation you have been put in.
If your sister lives close to you she coud give you respite from the younger child either Monday to Friday or Friday to Monday.
Have you spoken to a proffesional about the young one,he may grow out of his problem being it`s drug related.
And i think your son is beyond vile putting you in this situation.
I really do wish you all the best bjane02.

I would split the kids up. My friend had 2 kids in similar circumstances and the difficult little boy just dominated the whole of family life and everything was focused on him. Every day was a nightmare and the second child did not have the attention she should have had. If he gets good one to one attention with another family relative it could transform his behaviour. He probably needs assessing to see if he has any mental health issues and can be given all the support he needs. Kids are very resilient and as long as the kids have contact, this could be a good result for the whole family. You are doing a great job but remember it’s your health and future welfare that are important too. ?

I think that if you keep them both your attention will be on the younger one predominantly and this will be detrimental to the older one. If your sister will help, and willingly, then let her help. This is just my opinion, and it would be heartbreaking, but perhaps save your health and well-being?

Is the children’s mother up to considering a rehab programme, or is she really a lost cause?

So sorry to read of your situation
No it is not selfish , it’s very sensible , you & your family have reached the best option for all concerned .. You deserve the utmost admiration, wishing you and your family the very best as you move forwards.

Single adopter of two non north-related children here and I would strongly urge you to take on what you feel able. Trust your gut. It isn’t necessarily true that siblings should be kept together at all costs; read up on sibling trauma bonds. Often, siblings who have experienced trauma/neglect/abuse in their families of origin can re-trigger each other. Sometimes, there will be sibling-on-sibling abuse or violence as children recreate what they have witnessed and experienced. Or there may be a child who has been the object of hatred or abuse while other siblings are treated relatively well in a birth family. It really isn’t a one-size/one-approach fits all.

I think you may be in the US, rather than the UK, but I am assuming that the approach there is pretty much as here ie in keeping blood families together unless it really isn’t possible?

From your description of your younger grandson have you considered issues like Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, which could possibly account for his behaviours? The majority of children who are removed from their birth parents in the UK have experienced the toxic trio of drugs, alcohol and domestic violence while in utero. The fall-out can be life-long and, if it’s anything like here, you will be fighting an uphill battle constantly to secure the necessary support your grandson will need to help him as he navigates school, in particular, and life in general.

Good luck but please do not feel guilt-tripped into taking on more than you can physically or mentally manage as that way lies more sadness and losses for your grandchildren.

Jane, so sorry to hear of the very difficult situation you find yourself in and well done for all your hard work so far in caring for your two little grandsons.
Your sister also is very generous in her efforts, already taking care of the older sister.
I thought possibly your sister might be able to help you, at the same time keeping the brothers together, but maybe it's too much for you.
You've got to take care of yourself first, before you can help anyone else.
Is there any possibility that you can chase up your son and remind him of his responsibilities?
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make, I really hope these two little boys can grow up in the loving care of their extended family.

Separating the two boys is of course a situation to be avoided if possible. However , from the little I know it appears that this is simply not possible. If a child goes to one sister and another child to a second sister then these children will have been adopted into their own family. Not perfect but this is far from a perfect situation . bjane02 , you have and are doing an amazing job. I would suggest that if you adopt both children and that adoption struggles then no one is happy and secure. Follow your instincts , they will be correct. You are in an impossible situation and also have to deal with your feelings towards your son . I wish you peace and hope you are able to access professional help that will guide you towards making the best decision- whatever that may be! Good luck.