Grandchildren moving house - distraught

I love the phrase don't borrow trouble. I haven't heard it before, but I do think sometimes I have got into debt!

I am a distant Nanna, with mine in U.S and OZ
Believe me, that distance is far more devastating and with these unprecedented times, I don't know when I will see them again.
But look forward to when I do.

I know how you feel honestly. I have daughter, SIL and 3 grandchildren living in Europe. I had looked after the oldest 2 for about 4-5 years 3 days a week until they moved nearly 5 years ago. I was devastated. Up until last year I visited about 4 times a year often for 3 weeks. Haven’t seen them for a year now! But we keep in touch via weekly zoom calls and messages with the family and eldest granddaughter now 10. They have a lovely life there and seeing all the advantages their new life brings them is wonderful. I feel still very close to them and to my grandson who was born there. I know they miss me as I do them. Can’t wait till I can fly and see them again. Yes get a train to visit when you’re allowed. Meanwhile, it may not happen as many posters have said. Get out and about when you can.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel, my DD and SiL moved away 6 years ago now. I had cared for both my GC from birth. They moved to IOW which is not far but expensive ferry crossings. I was broken hearted having seen them so much. I was working and not earning much so travel was difficult, their new house didnt have room for me to stay so it was hard. As time has gone on I try to think of inventive ways to keep in touch with children usually by post they love little parcels and letters. In the school holidays the children come over and stay which is lovely and we go over for a week in the summer and stay locally. During lockdown it has been hard not seeing them at all, but I send them short videos of me reading I send letters, parcels, silly jokes etc. As they are getting older I am hoping it will be easier to see them but I cannot deny I have and always will miss them. I also Whatsapp them with photos and messages, silly things that I have heard or basically things we would talk about if we were together. I think accept that you will miss them it’s natural because you love them but then try to think of fun ways to keep in touch, there is alot out there and nothing beats a good old fashioned letter.

When my son and DiL told me they were moving two hundred miles away as my sons job was moving there, my first feeling was that I had been kicked in the stomach. Then, they lived less than five miles from me and I saw them a lot.
Then I went to use their bathroom and stood in there looking into the mirror counselling myself. Yes, I would not be able to see them so often, but probably for longer periods when I did.
Yes, they would be able to get a nicer house, probably with lower mortgage in a lovely area
Yes, their future lives were far more important than any feelings I had
Yes, I should be happy for them and support them.

So, I went back downstairs to encourage them with this move.

That was seven years ago - has worked out wonderfully for them (and I have my own room, en-suite) in their beautiful house there. Since then, I have also moved away from that areas, so even if they had not moved I would still be just as far from them.

As for g.children, well usually as most youngsters enter their teens they draw back away from those extended family relationships (quite correctly and normal - part of growing up).

My sister in law had an extremely close relationship with one of her g.sons. He did have some behavior problems and she was the best one to deal with them. When she moved away and was not able to continue seeing him daily he actually cried at school about that (unusual for a 10-year old lad_. She was distraught and, when I told her that within the following five years he would be wanting less time with her in any case - she replied that He would ALWAYS need her. He is now fifteen, and she moans that every time (it was weekly before Lockdown), she visits his home he hardly even notices her being there, as he is busy on his screens!!!

You need to build yourself a life

I understand how you feel, but I think there are two problems, at least here.

Your grandchildren moving away will be a wrench certainly, and there is not really much you can do to feel better about that.

In your place, I would find out whether travelling by train or coach to visit will be possible. If that is not possible, perhaps a few driving lessons as a refresher course might be a good thing.

The other problem I suspect is lockdown blues - we are all affected to some extent by now.

Is there anything you could feel tempted to do as a new hobby or interest until it becomes possible to be out and about again and perhaps return to some kind of voluntary work?

I realise you are finding it hard to concentrate on activities, but I think the way forward is to is to find one thing to do for a short or longer period every day to ease back into things again.

If your family goes ahead with these plans, you will need something new to fill the time that has been filled by the grandchildren.

I am sure you will feel better once you are more active again.

Unfortunately I didn’t live close to any of my grandchildren. ( but I have just moved to be near them) But I looked after one of them, when their mum had PND. I washed, cooked, cleaned and looked after them all, for months.( Husband in a high powered job) I was up at nights feeding the dear baby.. Even at 3 in the morning I loved her and used to say’ I love you so much’
They are now nine and when they see me, they fling themselves upon me. They won’t forget you and the warmth and love you gave them.
Try and relax. There is only one life and this is it.

GranJan I understand your pain. I would feel the same. The best you can do it to try to stay in touch with them, by regular phone calls or face time, maybe by writing and sending notes, even if they perhaps are not old enough to be write much themselves. I bet they would love hearing from you.
Other than that, try to take up an interest/hobby that you would enjoy.

Lots of people are having dreams in lockdown so that may be all it is. Also, properties near the sea are very expensive compared to elsewhere. I moved all over the place when I was young but came back to live near my parents because I always thought of the area as home. Forty years later I'm still there. Things change all the time. Your family haven't gone yet and may never go. But if they do and they'd like you near them then I'd go if you can. I do think you should speak out and say how much you will miss them. It's not being needy. It's being honest. I bet it'll all work out fine for all of you. Try to take each day as it comes because things often work out totally differently to what you've worried about.

Wowsa, thats painful. Lets acknowledge that for a minute. First, you are going to feel extremely sad about this and unfortunately, that feeling may be with you for quite some time. There is no easy answer and a fair bit of heart ache associated with that. Short of packing up and moving there yourself. Our adult children do all sorts of things without thinking of the consequences to grandparents. In reality, it is their lives and their childrens lives. They probably don't give it too much thought of the devastating impact it has on you. This is where your friends come in. You are going to really need to carve out a new life for yourself. That's going to take a little time. Your friends are going to fill up that void and give you an outlet to be devastated in. Your adult children are not going to want to hear it. They actually have no problem with it and since most that do this in the first place don't think about your consequence they probably aren't going to now. Expect to be very heart broken. Plan on 3 or 4 trips a year. Get a job to pay for those trips. Find something you like to do. Take classes, meet new people who are in your age group that you can share with. Its going to be a good year of heartbreak and there is only so much you can do. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to have some sleepless nights, allow yourself to accept the unhappiness knowing its just a process to go through. Fill your time with other interests and visit them 3 or 4 times a year. Maybe they will miss you and come back.

I agree with Hannahlouiseluke... Don't follow them to their new home, it will look a bit obsessive unless they have expressed the wish for you to join them.

Granjan60... I really feel for you, but your catastrophising, your going to miss them that's natural, but things move on, your lucky to have had those years with your grandchildren, many don't get that privilege. You can visit them via bus /train or coach, if your son / daughter in law can't accommodate you at their home, book into a hotel or holiday lodging close to where they live and treat it as a welcome break, it gives you something to look forward to. And as someone's already stated, your grandchildren will not forget you, when they're older they may chose to move nearer to you. Try think of the positives in this, your concentrating too much on the negatives, which is bound to bring you down, anxiety is an awful thing to suffer from, but look at alternative positive thinking, to help bring your stress levels down.

I feel your anxiety. It's the hardest thing to say goodbye to regular time with your GC as you are local to them. You must look after your mental health and don't look too far ahead. Just concentrate on making memories with the GC now. Think of the loveky holidays you'll have in the future going to visit and talk to the parents about that, to put your mind at rest. Be grateful you have had them close for so long, many don't. At least you won't have to get on a plane to see them. Keep upbeat too about their move, as they are probably feeling excited about moving to a new place. Feel for you though through this..

Hi. Having two grandchildren living in New Zealand who moved there when 3 & 8 I maintain contact with FaceTime and trying to visit each year. Due to Covid not seen them since 2019. Two other grandchildren are 300 miles away from me so not seen them since last June.
I know you will be feeling very sad and worrying about keeping contact but technology makes things easier. When you do visit it will be for longer times and you can plan things to do together.
If not wanting to drive book and enjoy a train journey. X

i guess, as always, there are two sides to this, i do feel for gran though, its a total wrench when family, especially children, move away, some would say its selfish , they are obviously thinking of the future though

It is so difficult to see them go but as others here have said they need to strike out and make the lives they want for their family. 5 years ago DD SIL and two oldest DGS sold their house, bought a motorhome and took off round Europe and N Africa for a year, I just knew as we waved them off that they were very unlikely to ever come back and settle here again. I was right and she now runs a small farm in rural Spain, the boys are fluent in Catalan and Spanish and although they don't have much money they have a great outdoors lifestyle and have made lots of friends. This pandemic has been very difficult, we had to cancel 3 attempted trips over there last year, the oldest DGS was 12 when we last saw him and he'll be 14 next month and I so want to see them all, not quite sure when we will. She's anxious about her Dad (my ex) who is mid 80s and has cancer and lives alone, although my oldest DS lives near and visits his Dad regularly with our other two DGC. I've got friends with part of their family in Australia and no idea when they'll be able to see them - it's stopped being ' a small world' hasn't it? I do hope you find a way of finding things in your life to make you happy and then you'll have lots to talk to them about and they'll look forwards to your visits. Do take care

Hi i now just how you feel as my daughter and her little family are all moving away this summer and i have looked after my gc for the last 3 years (3 and 1 years old)
I'm really sad about it but have tried to put on a happy face and think its their life and i shouldn't hold them back .
Its going to be lovely to visit them in their new home and make new memories with them all. I am not fond of driving but the thought of visiting them will keep me going ...plus i will have a lot more time to enjoy other things like my online art course ,knitting and watching my fave tv programmes in peace! got to be a bonus lol. And with yesterdays news you may be able to start your volunteering sooner than you think.I also am a volunteer but make phone calls to vunerable lonely people and it is so satisfying. I've also have made a lot of friends this way. Age uk is a good way to start this if its something you would like. Best wishes and i hope it all works out well for you.

Thank you all SO much for your advice and kind words of support. Will try hard to be positive and see what the future brings.

When life gets back to being a little more ‘normal’, train or coach is the way to travel. My son lives in Kent, I live in Yorkshire.... Up until the pandemic, I used either National Express, or the train to ge5 to see them. Last October, I bit the bullet & drove 200 miles down to Kent!!!! I still cannot believe, that I did it!! I used Google maps on my phone & that was my back up.... Don’t stress over this move. Start doing something constructive, like looking at modes of transport, that will get you to your family. Good luck.....

Be wonderful to take your own holidays by the sea when lockdown lifts ....look forward to that ...meanwhile, you can keep in touch by phone or video call .....whilst you are sad, there are lots of grandparents who never see or hear from their children or grandchildren ...accept their decision and be glad for them ...unlike those grandparents, you have not ;LOST' your grandchildren or even children. Think positively about the future, Maybe in time you could sell up and move nearer, but above all, DO NOT tell them you are unhappy at their decision ......they may cut themselves off completly, but do be happy for them even if you don't feel it ...

Completely understand how you must be feeling, try to look forward to planning visiting , something lovely to do in the train and maybe book yourself in a lovely B&B if staying with your family is not an option. It could be a lovely mini break for you too and I’m sure your family and grandchildren will miss you too and be thrilled when you visit.

Some of our grandchildren live in Dubai! We have always had a close relationship with them and see them about three times a year! They are now teenagers but they had a twin baby brother and sister born in March and because of the pandemic we have been unable to visit and have not met these two babies yet! We are not sure when this will happen but hopefully very soon when we are able to fly again! Our daughter and son in law keep us up to date with photos and videos which are wonderful but it has been hard knowing we have missed so much!

Some wonderful advice and wise words given. I totally agree with them all. My Hranny loved the other end of the country and it was a treat to go to the phone box and speak to her. We visited once a year and she was so special to me. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Today I keep in touch with my grand daughter by WhatsApp and text when I can’t see her. She is 15 and it’s special when we do get together. Sometimes the fear is worse than the reality.

I think it is wrong to suggest moving to be nearer to your children as it puts pressure on them an£ makes you appear needy.
It’s not fair for the young family to have to feel responsible for the oldies and I am sure they would. Far better for the grandparents to just stay put and build their own social like rather than live life through the children and grandchildren.
Much better to live separate lives but come together for quality time during visits and holidays. That way everyone can feel fulfilled and happy.