How much support to expect from children

My younger son has promised that he and his wife will look after me and DH. To be honest he is the only one of my three I could stand to live with if that became necessary. I do hope that it won't as looking after an old person is no joke and takes such a heavy toll on family life.

I am uncomfortable though with the sort of bargain that appears to be described in the OP. I have looked after my two GSs (DD's children) for 6 years but would never think that that obliged her to care for me in return. If it is about anything along those lines it is about paying a debt of gratitude for the care my children received from my mother. Though as I have really enjoyed it and feel honoured to have such a good relationship with the little ones I don't suppose, in reality, it is anything at all to do with obligation.

Back in the 50s my grandmother had her oldest and youngest daughters living at home with her. It was just understood that that was what they would do. After she died they continued to live together for the rest of their lives. My other grandmother was on her own after she was widowed so my parents and I upped sticks and went to live with her. It caused a lot of upheaval and I'm not sure why she couldn't have coped on her own. She had a daily to do the housework.

DS is living with me now and, looking at the state of his finances, I think he is here for good and will be stuck with me however helpless I become. He and DD were very good all the years DH was ill, with moral support, lifts, shopping and so on.DD dropped everything to spend her father's last week at the hospital with me.

Joet what a lovely stepdaughter and grandson you have, you are indeed lucky with your family. It must give you a lot of reassurance.
I'm so sorry to read that your dear stepdaughter is so poorly now though.

I've worked as a domiciliary carer for social services and as a hospital auxiliary nurse, so hands-on personal care is something I have no problem carrying out.
My community caring was an eye-opener and a huge learning curve for me as I'd no previous experience of the care system at all.
It was a very rewarding job helping those clients who wished to stay in their own home and supporting their families.
We were very much appreciated.

None. I will pick a home or carers as needed.

I would also say that caring for people with dementia is a skilled job and many many people dont have those skills.

I absolutely hate the idea of my children looking after me. Thank Heavens most of us won't need care, anyway, but if I do - anyone but them!

Two of my daughters live nearby and I have always helped with childcare, sewing, baking and anything else needed. I hope this is a two-way thing and that now the children are older (and so am I) that they will help me when I ask.
One daughter will always help, the other very rarely.
If ever I need “a carer” I know one daughter would have to do it all, which is not fair, so I’ll sell my house to pay for my care.

I think we would mostly agree that we want our children to care about us (and make sure that we are OK) but not care for us (in the personal care sense).

welbeck I'm guessing it was an autocorrect from 24 hour nursing care.

what is hierarchy nursing ?

I think it is unreasonable to compare how AC look after aged parents now compared with what happened in the past. Our ways of life were very different 20, 30, 50 years ago and every society adjusts to its times

Most families are not in a position to offer elderly relatives the care that previous generations gave. To begin with, most women work and their families could not manage without their income. AC may be divorced and single parents, which makes undertaking the care of older relatives very difficult.

Modern houses are small and the days when grandma would be expected to share a bedroom and even a bed with a grandchild, or sleep in the living room are long gone.

We live much longer and live longer with illnesses that, in the past, would have killed us at a much younger age This also means, as we live longer, we are more likely to have dementia in old age and, even those with no experience of this disease, will have read enough to know that caring for someone with dementia can be, quite literally, a 24/7 task.

As this thread shows, the days when elderly parents expected their children to look after them in old age have gone, as are the days when a daughter could be told that she should not marry as her duty was to stay at home and look after her parents in old age.

Many of us now are quite clear that not only do we not expect our children to be our carers in old age, we actively do not want them to do so. Manage our affairs, possibly. Visit us regularly definitely. But undertake our care, fitting it in between earning a living and bringing up children, definitely not. Many would prefer to be in a caring environment designed for their needs and looked after by professionally trained staff with all the necessary equipment for their care.

Dogsmother, my personal and work experience has been the majority of families care for their older relatives. My lovely mil refused to stay with us for end of life care. She’d cared for her father and was determined not to repeat the pattern. We moved her into a nursing home, specialising in end of life care. She was five minutes, not 8 hours from us, we could spend time with her daily.
The owners of the home were of Indian heritage. They told us they’d judged English families until they worked in nursing care when they soon learned thrust residents needed 24 hierarchy nursing as well as social care.NellG, thanks for expanding on my brief Post. Yes we agree !

In some ways I’ve been a career for most of my life and it suits my personality. I’ve never minded the role, but it has been a weight to bear that I don’t wish for my children to carry, so I will take all the emotional support they offer, but I plan to be independent for as long as possible. My husband is super fit and ten years younger than me, so I expect he’ll be around to care for me if needed - and when I’m too much for him he has my permission to pop me into a care home.

Muse .I do not mean responsibility should mean 100% care.
As I’ve said, I witnessed families and the reactions.
And yes contributions paid in to the system by some are greater than others and there will always be resentment about who gets what back.
But to me this is still about family caring and loving each other WITH SUPPORT. Not just handing over to a care system.

Our 3 Sons have already told us they will look for a nice residential home for us?????? think that says it all?

Yes, Nell4, times have definitely changed. My maternal grandma lived with us until her death, well in her 80’s. Mum had a three year old and a baby(me) plus helping Dad out on our small farm.

She must have been exhausted, as Grandma made a lot of washing, and no washing machine back then, just a copper and mangle.

It must have been a relief when Grandma died really.

Two sons here, and they’ve already told me they’ll pick out a nice home for me.
I wouldn’t expect anything else, it’s unfair to expect help everyday when they have jobs and their own families to care for.
My mum nearly 90 still manages at home, but has carers 3 times a day. I do all her bills and appointments, shopping and laundry and believe me that is too much sometimes, I’m still working part time and caring for GC. But mum helped me a lot when my DC we’re young, so i want to help her so she can stay at home as long as possible.

When I am no longer able to have what I consider a reasonable quality of life I'm checking out.
Absolutely no way would I want my children adjusting their lives to suit me.
I've had a great life, I'll let them enjoy their's.

Geography dictates there would be little opportunity for regular help from our family. There would be distant emotional support, advice, help with arranging practicalities if we asked for it. We’d not ask for or expect more. Agree with nell4 and iam, times have changed and neither of us would expect or want our families to be burdened by ageing parents. Our own parents didn’t need care, we hope for the same for ourselves while having Plan B if we need it.

Iam64 crossed posts! Great minds

I've been thinking about this thread and looking back to how things used to be for many families. When I was a child both my grandmothers were cared for by aunts, with support from their siblings ( including my parents). They both essentially lived with an aunts family, but got 'shared' around the others by coming to stay frequently. Both died at home having always been cared for by family.

But, that was back in the days when people often didn't move away from the place they were born, when women often didn't go out to work - or worked part time. I'm sure there were nursing homes back then but I can't recall them being such a familiar concept. Of course there were also far more district nurses too.

I can't recall there being resentment about providing the care either - both my aunts who took the bulk of the responsibility never complained about it ( at least not openly...) and it just seemed to be the way things were.

The concept of the nuclear family seems to have changed everything about how we live now, and how we approach old age and our potential care needs too. Many of us ( if the threads on GN are to be believed) struggle to know whether we should expect a birthday gift from our offspring, let alone full time care and devotion. Then there are those of us who are estranged from children/ family and can't expect future support. Does anyone else feel that our changing expectations are a sign of the times?

When most of us were children, it wasn’t uncommon for an elderly grandparent to move in, usually with the oldest daughter’s family,.
Put bluntly, people often died younger than they do now. We have people in their 70’s caring for parents in their 90’s. It’s a real struggle, with personal care, lifting and dealing with increasing frailty and dementia.
I don’t want my daughters to be burdened with responsibility for caring for me. We have some plans in place to avoid that.

Missed a bit out of my last paragraph...

My husband and myself have discussed the possibility that one of us could need support physically or mentally whilst we are both alive. This is where I feel the care for our own with support does come in.

There's so much of paddyann's and geekesse comments that echo my thoughts and experience.

dogsmother. I find your comment lacking sympathy particularly for those families that can't support their parents 100% of the time as you did in the hospital.

OP gromal asks how much should we expect. I have made it clear to my children under no circumstances are they expected to care for me if I can't care for myself. I am not their responsibility. I would love to live closer to my daughter or son but only to give us the chance to see more of each other. My husband has done the same with his family. I do not expect demand anything from them. I hope our children will always support us with calls and visits with the odd bottle or cake or two however.

Husband and myself have discussed the possibility that one of us could need support physically or mentally. This is where I feel the care for our own with support does come in. .