Sleepovers (question from DIL)

Absolutely agree with everyone on this - your MIL sounds rather domineering and she is not putting your wishes and needs first as parents and certainly not your baby’s. You don’t need to be keeping her happy it absolutely should be the other way! It’s been so hard during covid and I am sure that you have done the best you can under the circumstances. Reclaim your boundaries and be assertive - I have two grandchildren under 3 and have only recently looked after the 2 year old for one night - at his mother’s request. You are right to make a stand on this especially during a pandemic!

I agree with this, I have 4 GC and they all have sleep overs at nannysparkles, the youngest is 20 months, He is hard-work and DD is having a hard time so it gives her a break now and again. I wouldn't dream of demanding they stay. I am happy help out when I am asked. I always follow instructions given.

I think you need to just say No thank you, I'm not ready to leave him overnight. Maybe let her babysit for an hour or so if you go shopping, that way she gets included. If you feel baby will be unsafe with her, let your husband stay with baby as well. Your baby needs you to be strong and assertive.

**Im sorry. My questions were for Namsnanny.

I don’t understand why she wants a sleepover with a 9 month old. Personally I wouldn’t want the responsibility. Just tell her no. What’s the worst that can happen?

If you are in the US, then our Covid rules won't apply. I so sympathise with you, but as many have said, your baby, your rules. No question. She sounds a very selfish woman, and her household set up would really worry me. Please don't give in to her bullying. Sadly, husbands turn to jelly when they are expected to man up. I speak from bitter experience!

Can you explain what you mean about cutting her some slack and being inclusive at all levels? I’m unclear how it sounds like we are being difficult or trying to exclude her. We still see them weekly (though we recently went back to requiring masks for everyone’s protection).

Your rules apply.

But cut the woman some slack.
Be inclusive at all levels not just concentrating on baby.

I'm surprised this is even a problem for you, given that Covid is the perfect excuse for no contact.

Good suggestion Readerjb. Might use that one myself occasionally!

“I don’t think so”. This is my go-to response if I am screaming to say NO! No need for making excuses, no need to justify yourself. Practice first.

I agree that MIL must be made aware it’s your baby and your rules. The mind boggles at her insistence for a sleepover at such a tender age. It’s unnatural to behave this way, especially for a grandparent. She sounds unstable, given what you say about your child being unsettled when he comes home. Don’t allow her to override your rules, your baby’s welfare is paramount.

Your job as a mom is to do things that benefit your child, not your mil or anybody else.

Say no.
She pushes back, tell her no means no and you are the parent

She complains- time out.

My babies never had any sleepovers and unless there was a really good reason for it, I'd never have agreed to it either. Mil and my mother never asked so that was helpful but I wouldn't have hesitated to refuse. I wanted the babies home with me and frankly, if that's the way you feel too, no justification from you is necessary.
When they were older, the children liked to see the grandparents but they never ever wanted to have a sleepover at the inlaws' home and we never made them. The wants of your Mil come lower down the pecking order after your wishes and the children's.

yes ocean Mama ,i agree with all you have said ,your Baby ,your choices ,this time in your babies life will never come round again ,and so if you feel you do not want him or her to be away from you then do NOT let it happen .you are going to have to be firm on this one ,

i would be keeping this woman at a distance.
i think you are being perhaps too polite.
she sounds a real hazard to have around.
your husband's thinking is way off. he is suggesting trying to appease her to get her off your backs by offering up your son to keep her quiet. no. no. no.
she sounds arrogant and self-important.
just remember, you don't have to get her to approve of or to agree with what you have decided. just tell her. and if that get's tiresome, ignore, block her.
your son needs his primary carer, you, to be in the best condition possible, mentally and physically.
this woman is disrupting your equilibrium. forget how she feels. you and your son and husband are your only concern. keep her at a distance.
i wish you all the best. i'm angry on your behalf.

I think I babysat my grandson, now aged 4, about twice before he was 12-15 months old, and then I went to their house. He slept in his usual place, I probably stayed the night just once, preferring to drive home when the parents were home. I would have been happy for him to stay at my house IF that was what his parents wanted, and we'd agreed on his sleeping arrangements - would he go in a travel cot, or should I have a cot here? Would he sleep in my spare room, or in my room? He was over 18 months before he stayed the night at my house. I most certainly would NOT have expected that he should stay overnight here, nor would I have asked or pressured them to do so, and I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving my own babies with a granny for the night at under a year old.

I had my babies, and enjoyed them with minimal input from either grandmother. Now my children are having their own and they can do parenting their way, I'll give my opinion if asked (obviously if a genuine safety concern I'd speak up), I'll do whatever I possibly can to help, but I'm not pushing them to share their precious babies with me for a moment more than THEY want to!

It’s hard to imagine this woman. If and when I look after my GC I ask their parents for guidance on naps, food, outings and all aspects of their care. I see myself as their deputy. Only in an emergency would I deviate from their instructions however much I disagreed with them.

Absolutely you should only allow what you feel is right for you.
As an experienced mother she should be able to ‘read’ your baby’s need for a nap plus she should recall how she didn’t want to be separated from her own son when he was small. Above all she should remember the delicate tightrope she needed to balance to have a relationship with her own MiL.
You’ve asked for our advice because we’ve been in the position of being DiLs and MiLs, new mums and new grandmothers. It takes time for all to adjust to these roles; there will be misunderstandings but she cannot have it all her own way.
Though it may seem harsh, my advice is to be confident and stand up to her. If you use Covid as an excuse, she’ll only bide her time. She should respect what you want, when you want it and how you want it. Be resolute. In that way she’ll come to respect you, support your roles as parents and consequently have a closer relationship with her grandchild.

Danma - I don't think the majority here are at all 'against' GCs staying over with GPs, indeed most do. Posters are backing a mother's instinct, especially with such a young baby, and at such an anxious time.

Who cares what her friends do with their grandchildren? If that is even true. Every child is different. Like my mother used to say to me when we were growing up and didn't get the same as our friends, "You don't have to be like everyone else." You could always counter with, "None of my friends have their babies sleep over at their grandparents." I know, when my children were young, none of my friends had their babies away from them at all. It doesn't really matter what everyone else is doing. They aren't your baby's mother and family. You decide for yourself. What is right for you might not be what is right for everyone else.

I would be very concerned about your MIL's behaviour and risk taking with Covid. The situation in the US is terrible, the numbers high, even in your own community this past week. You have to decide what risks you are happy to take with potential exposure. MIL's behaviours are risky, from what you state. I'm not sure I would be seeing her at all due to that.

Why is your husband so concerned about giving in to what his mother wants? He is a father before he is a son now. Maybe he needs reminding that your son's needs trump his mother's needs, as do your wants as parents. He sounds like he needs to sort out where his priorities lie now he is a husband and father. Why is he willing to make you uncomfortable and have his son become sleep deprived and unsettled for days to keep his Mommy happy?

I'm not surprised you are getting closer to blowing your top. Your MIL is a difficult one. Does your husband know how close to blowing your top you feel?

Your MIL doesn't get to not take no for an answer. It sounds like you (or preferably your husband) need to be very firm and direct with your MIL. If she can't be shut down soon, I don't think the future relationship between your families will go well.

Re what her friends do...straight answer from you is

"That is obviously what works for their grandchildren's parents which is fine. However that is not what we wish to do!"

If she askes why you are not happy to do it the reply could either be "Because we do not feel it is appropriate for our son" OR "because we feel it is important to keep his routine at this stage. That is what we have decided."

If she won't take no for answer just keep repeating or eventually just say "We have discussed this. We have explained our reasons"

Re your husband ,,,I think you have to point out that the issue is not keeping his Mum happy (and off his back?); the issue is doing the right thing for your son...and clearly when she babysits there is a problem re his sleeping needs ...plus whatever concerns you have re her care of your niece"

I know how hard this is but you are absolutely right to put your son's needs and your instincts/concerns about care first. It would be different if you did not have those obvious reservations

Thank you all for your kind feedback and advice.

To answer some questions:
-my son has not had any overnights there at this point. The longest she babysat for was about 4 hours.
-some of it is cultural/community based. She constantly whines that her friends get to have “sleepovers” with their grandchildren. (Her word, not mine.) I grew up in the same metro area, but my parents live about 1.5 hours away (my in laws are 30 minutes from us). My mother has never pressured me about having the baby come stay with her, but she has offered her assistance for if/when it’s needed.
-I am in the US. So while our numbers are terrifyingly high, there is no universal shutdown and my state hasn’t had a shutdown since spring. My MIL doesn’t deny that the virus is real, but she gets very angry when we take any precautions (masks, asking her not to kiss the baby and asking her to refrain from kissing us, etc). She recently held a gathering in her home with more than the maximum number of people permitted by our state. I want to note that her 95 year old father lives with her and my in laws are both in their 60s. We are trying to keep our child safe, but we are also very concerned about their safety. My town had over 100 cases in the past week.
-my husband always backs me up in conservations with her, but he privately questions me about whether we should just give in to make her happy and since she constantly reminds him that her friends (including some of his friends’ parents) regularly watch their grandchildren overnight.
-I’m getting to the point where I’m closer and closer to blowing my top. Her passive aggressive comments are grinding me down. I don’t want to be rude, but she literally refuses to take no for an answer and won’t leave the issue be.

just say no.
forget about making her happy.
you let her watch him, against your better judgment, and at her insistence.
she has no power of insistence. don't give her it.

I love/adore my grandchildren (6 and almost 3) and I regularly "kidnap" them for playdates and sleepovers at my house. My daughter and son-in-law love having an opportunity to have "grown up" time and date nights too. Everyone wins.

I adore that my daughter trusts me with her darling children. The time I spend with them is priceless.

I was 37 when I became a grandmother. I loved her to distraction, and still do, but the only the my DD asked me to intervene was when my DGD turned day into night. She asked, I helped her and she didn't ask again although I would have gladly helped her. My point is that all help and having a baby overnight should come from you not your MIL.

I expected to accept more childcare help before our baby was born, but between covid, her constant pressure, and concerns about what I’ve seen in her childcare of our niece, I’m very hesitant. The few times we have left him in her care for a few hours (at her insistence), it has been very stressful for both my husband and me. Our son has been quite cranky upon returning home and we found his sleep was disrupted for multiple days after. Her home is very loud and she has stated she doesn’t feel naps are really necessary (despite our clear explanations that our 9 month old MUST nap at certain intervals)

This paragraph absolutely highlights why you and your husband must present a completely united front on what you will and won't allow with your son. Clear statements like "We have decided that at the moment we prefer to have him with us!" "We are not considering sleepovers anywhere at the moment" consistently applied. Alternatively "Last time he stayed with you he was very cranky because he had not slept, which is what he needs. So we will keep him with us for the moment, so his routine is not disrupted like that!"

Regarding sleepovers I don't think there are hard and fast rules, generally. It depends on the parents, the grandchildren's personalities and the Grandparents. But if the parents have ANY reservations at all about anyone, family or not, then they should never ignore those reservations.