Estranged grandparents

It's obvious from your post how much this change is upsetting you Harriet; I am sorry.

In your position I would ask my ex d.i.l. if there is a reason why contact with your GC seems to be diminishing. It could well be as OCeanMama has said, that she's concerned, moving forward, that the relationship you have with your GC will not be the same as the one, if any, you'll have with your GC's sibling.

Whatever the reason, you deserve an explanation. As OceanMama has posted Ghosting or leaving someone hanging isn't kind and in your case I'd go further and say it's cruel.

agnurse

This is really on your son. It's not the job of your ex DIL to ensure you see your GS. That's on your son.

This is true but it sounds like Harriet has always had a good relationship with the ex-DIL which involved child minding and visits. If something has suddenly changed, of course she wonders why. If ex-DIL doesn't want a relationship anymore, that's fine for whatever reason she has, but it would be better if she told Harriet directly that if she would like to visit with the gs, she needs to organise it with her son from now on. Ghosting or leaving someone hanging isn't kind.

This is really on your son. It's not the job of your ex DIL to ensure you see your GS. That's on your son.

Harriet, is it possible that what has changed is that she has had another baby? It could be she is worried about your singling out the one child for a relationship and her other child being treated differently or left out?

Or, maybe she is just busy with a new baby/other young child and doesn't have as much time to respond to your messages or facilitate visits? Probably this is more likely.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I plan to contact SIL see if we can work things out.
Fingers crossed.
I'll keep you posted.

I will update with any changes. Hopefully we will both have positive news in the future. Thank you Toadinthehole.

Perhaps both you ladies could let us know how everything develops. You both sound very loving, putting your families first. I hope they return the sentiment eventually ?

It sounds like you are handling it the best possible way. I'm so sorry you are being treated so badly, it's incredibly callous and selfish on the part of your son and DIL.
So hard for you. The eldest child must surely be confused and have asked about you.
Horrible, horrible people.

Thanks Toadie... I have a plan.

Thank you Summerlove... I agree I need to apologize to the father first... it was an angry kneejerk reaction regarding something he did to me. But I realise I need to be the bigger person if I want my family back.
Fingers crossed.

Thank you for the encouraging words. I feel good with my actions and responses. I was careful with my words. Trying to tend to myself and just hope for the future. Family is everything to me.

I don’t know Izzy, for sure, but unless you try, you’ll never know. Only you know what the issues are and the possible repercussions, but I’m a great believer in everything out in the open...no secrets. It’s bound to come out in the end, and then you could be blamed for not saying anything. It’s a tough one, but you know your family best. ?. I’ll be thinking of you.

I wouldn’t

I would apologise for saying anything.

As a grandmother you are someone your children and grandchildren look up to. What has happened is you have essentially said part of their DNA is bad. You just need to apologise.

The more you explain, without prompting, the more chance you have of reiterating to them that part of them has the same issues you have with their father.

Toadie do you think I should say why I have issues with her dad... but emphasise that as far as being a dad I do admire and respect him. Which I do I can't take away the fact that he is a good father.

Thanks Summerlove ... yes worth a try.

Thank you Toadie thats good to know.

I’d def try once to reach out and see what comes back.
I hope that the words you spoke in haste haven’t fully severed the bond.

Then it’ll come back Izzy. You’ve sewn seeds with her that will never go. She loves and trusts you. Speak to her. All the best?

Yes Toadie that's the kind of relationship we had she told me everything as well. We laughed and cried together there was nothing I didn't know about her.

There was no discussion between me and my GC so they just have the one side of the story.
The sad thing is I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter and my two grandchildren.

Izzy, just seen your post. I had a great relationship with my granny, and talked to her about everything and anything from about 12 years old. I would definitely talk to the 21 year old. He/ she is an adult, and it may help. Then it can be passed to the 13 year old if appropriate. To withhold something about their father may be more damaging in the long run, but only you are the best judge of that. All the best.

Hi Granny Foxx I just want to give you a hug you sound like a lovely person who has been used and abused by two very selfish ( narcissistic) people. I think these two are the losers not you. Maybe time to put your foot down. ❤️

grannyfoxx I’m sorry, this sounds like a tough situation. I’d try to wait it out a bit

Izzy13, what did the 21 year old say to you before they stopped communicating? Did they talk to you about your dislike of their father? I can absolutely see how they could’ve taken that as a personal insult. As you dislike somebody who makes up half of them. You can try to reach out, but be aware they might choose to have nothing to do with you from their own hurt from your words. I’m sorry.

I can’t see how you could keep going like this. Constantly worrying you’ll be cut off, and like you say...those poor children. It does sound like your son needs to do some serious’ manning up’. Yes, keep in general contact, then at least your grandchildren will know you always cared and loved them. Look after yourself.