Non-biological grandchildren

I think I would need to hear more specifics about how she put them first on holiday. In the face it that seems pretty normal but I’m wondering if it’s perhaps more extreme?

Also how has her parenting impacted on your relationship with them?

My daughter had two children when she met her "new" husband 10 years ago.His parents treated them as their own from day one.I heard it for myself,when asked how many GC they had they said 3 and gave their ages.the children love them and they are well loved back .These children are your grandchildren because your daughter sees them as HER children.they should be treated the same as your "biological" GC ,its not acceptable to treat them differently.

I agree with above. Can you explain your history with us and maybe those who have experienced similar can help.

How is this any different to your daughter conceiving through a egg donor or adopting?

If your daughter is parenting these children you should be grandparenting them.

The connection will come when you make one

Exactly Starblaze Your problem seems to be with the fact the children are "non biological" Iolais rather rather than they are spoiled. I deplore your attitude to your grandchildren.

Slightly different I know but like many others we have adopted children and a natural child and now have grandchildren. I have never thought of them as non-biologically or biologically related. They are simply our grandchildren and we love them. They are all the same to us.
Need to try and drop the non biological tag and just see them as your grandchildren.

We have four grandchildren

The eldest two are my biological grandchildren, but not my husband's

I had my eldest daughter with my first husband. Divorce happened and husband number 2 came along and took her on as his own when she was 6.

He treated her as if she was his and at 39 she has a very close relationship with him as do the boys.

It is never even mentioned that her children are not my husband's blood relatives.

Never enters our heads!

My brother adopted a child many years ago. My mother and father (now deceased) always treated her just as they did the other grand children. So did my grandmother-her great grandmother. She had great relationships with them all and when she went through a difficult teenage phase they helped her get through it, she adored them. She is as far as I'm concerned my niece. I don't understand what biology has to do with anything. I don't understand why your daughter spoiling the children is responsible for the rest of your family not caring for them. It's not their fault.

I have several step-grandchildren, who are, of course, not biologically related to me or my adult children, and several grandchildren. Honestly, I love them all. They all call me ‘Granny’ and I treat them all the same for birthdays, Christmas etc.

It seems to me that there are two things going on here
1. Children not related by blood are seen differently
2. Daughter has children who are not well behaved

If you see your grandchildren differently because of their DNA, they maybe that may account for part of the problem?

What happened during that xmas?

what does the children's other mummy think about how yr daughter treats them/spoils them.
surely she has an equal input in their upbringing.
your post is not clear, what exactly is the problem.

Has your DD specifically stated that she overindulges her children in lieu of a biological connection?
DD May simply have a very different parenting style that you are used to?
The distinction about bio vs non bio GC is one of the saddest things I’ve read on this site tbh. These are your DD’s children and by default your GC. If there is an issue with the extended family due to their biological origin, these poor wee mites will eventually pick up on it.
Family is family and should be treated as such, my kids have an “Auntie” who has been in their lives since they were very small children and she counts them anytime she recounts her extended family - no blood connection, but she loves them and they adore her.
Also, if DD is co-parenting, depending on how much time she gets with the children, she will obviously value her time with them and want “quality” time - so that may account for what you deem as over compensation?
Not sure what you’re looking for from this post OP, validation? Advice?

I have a beautiful stepdaughter who was 6 years old when Hubby and I married. My parents told her that our wedding day was a special day for them with her because she was their first granddaughter, and she would be their granddaughter just like all of their other grandchildren would be their grandchildren. They've always treated her as a granddaughter. What makes this even more special is that Hubby is a British ex-pat and we live in Canada, so she does not see her paternal GPs often, and her maternal grandmother is deceased and maternal grandfather is in poor health.

lolais -- I must echo others here and I too am saddened by your apparent attitude. The idea that you view your grand-children differently based on DNA is gross at best. And as sodapop said, "I deplore your attitude to your grandchildren."

Do you view how your daughter treats her children as 'wrong' because she shows them 'too much love'/overcompensates for not being biologically related to her 'true'/real or your opinion? Is your bias and perception tainting your other children toward their sister and her children? Since it seems that the children of your children rank differently based on their DNA, is it possible that the other "loved grandchildren" who I assume were conceived 'normally' and not from a same-sex couple, is that possibly a covert reason for not embracing these grand-children?

You say, "We have just had a disastrous holiday because of the tension, and my daughter’s need to put her children above all else. I must admit I do find it very difficult to be even fond of them let alone love them." -- I can imagine there would be tension if your daughter and partner/wife were present with their kids, only to witness them being treated differently and without love or affection or even a desire from You to be "fond" of them when you admit love for your 'other' grand-children -- the biological ones.

As petcaf noted "Need to try and drop the non biological tag and just see them as your grandchildren."

trisher said, "I don't understand what biology has to do with anything. I don't understand why your daughter spoiling the children is responsible for the rest of your family not caring for them. It's not their fault."

As a personal note, as someone who has zero biological 'family' on either side for my children, my husband and I were adopted/embraced by Our OF (Other Family). Our OM (Other Mother) is a family woman. She embraces all the 'new people' to the family. If a child calls her Gran? THEY are her grand-children, Our clan included. She treats her grand-children (adopted and bio) the same. Grand nieces and nephews the same... as young children who deserve love and when given/shown 'it' thrive. Everyone should strive to be like Her.

agnurse -- "I have a beautiful stepdaughter who was 6 years old when Hubby and I married. My parents told her that our wedding day was a special day for them with her because she was their first granddaughter, and she would be their granddaughter just like all of their other grandchildren would be their grandchildren. They've always treated her as a granddaughter." -- Your parents are heroes and deserve capes. THAT is what I call Grand-Parents. Much like Our OM.

lolais I see you are new to Gransnet, so welcome.
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is strained with your grandchildren and firstly want to say that I really hope this improves for everyone's sake.

As others have said, the biological or non-biological aspect shouldn't be the thing here, but the good news is that positive relationships can build over time. This of course means that you can help here - if you spend time with them and get to know them as individuals, you will find things to love in them.

Maybe the children are now living with your daughter's ex? Is this why your daughter is struggling to parent? Maybe it's been a "messy" separation and the children are struggling emotionally?
Was your daughter's parenting always an issue or has this happened more recently? And how does the rest of the family see your daughter's children?

It sounds to me as though your daughter is trying to protect them... I know you have had a rough time, but it does sound as though your daughter and her little family has too. Maybe she needs some loving support?

The child's parents are two women and only one of them could carry the baby. Obviously you wish it had been your daughter. Well it wasn't, and you simply have to get past this.

This little girl is your daughter's daughter. Ergo she is your granddaughter. Sorry, but I simply don't understand the issue here

I'm sorry - I should have re-read the OP before posting. There are two children, not just one. These little girls are your daughter's daughters... etc.

Unrelated children still need love and affection as if they were your biological Gc.
Regardless of their parentage.
I have step Gc and treat them the same as my own Gc.
And they all get on really well and my Gc call me Grandma and my step Gc call me nanny.

my Gc call me Grandma and my step Gc call me nanny.

You said you treat them the same as your own GC, so why the difference in what they call you?

Well so much for your virtue signalling. Thank you and goodbye.

lolais

Well so much for your virtue signalling. Thank you and goodbye.

Not sure you understand what virtue signalling is, lolais

There's none of that in any of these posts!

Did you not get the response you'd hoped for Iolais?

Another new poster with a strange tale.
[sigh]

Goodbye.