A new mum unsure how to handle her MIL

OP
Remember some facts
1. It doesnt matter where you come from, culture is not an excuse to ignore other people's wishes and needs and rights.
There are abusive people in all countries, cultures, social classes, etc.

2. Being assertive and telling her no is not being disrespectful

If anything, she is disrespecting you.
Dont be scared to stand your ground even if you feel you are "disrespectful with elders"

3. Are you also African?
My dh and I are from different cultures and we respect each other's customs.
If something doesnt work for me or him, we dont do it.
For example - in his culture, they shave the baby's head at 1 y.o. and it is a huge deal and milestone.
In mine, there is nothing like that and I told him my kids would no go through it.
Problem solved.
My ILs were super disappointed. They managed to get over it.

@Hithere thank you very much. I do feel I needed to hear that straight up. I have been scarred to offend which is why this has gone on for so long. No im not from any country in Africa. But I’m thankful for your replies they’ve been very helpful. Yes my mil mentioned it to me to shave little ones head also but we just put it off and never did it. I’m happy it worked out for you X

What an absolute nightmare for you I would never behave like that with my grandchildren how they run their lives is totally up to them.
When this lockdown is over and done with now that you and your partner are on the same page regarding his mother I would not invite her to your home but ask your partner to meet her say once a week with your little boy for an hour or so,she will soon get the message just keep firm with your decision and don't be bullied by her as that is what she is doing,also get those curtains closed and don't respond to her when she arrives.

Why have you put up with this unacceptable behaviour for 15 months!!! At least now, this lockdown gives you the chance to set new ground rules when restrictions are lifted. Your partner needs to be fully on side and, united, you tell her the new family rules and that there will be no deviations. Also, consider moving house if you can afford to.

Your mother in law is from a "country in Africa". Then perhaps she is traditionally something or other about mutilating babies' genitals, which is illegal.

Good that your husband is involved as perhaps he can gently persuade his mother that mothers in law are not so very important in Europe.

As others have said it is your husband who is key in this and you have to work together on the problem.

She is being very disrespectful and behaving very inappropriately indeed and she has to realise that it will not be tolerated and that she is not the one making the decisions about your lives or your baby!

Hithere gives good advice above

I know it is not easy to face

I too like Hithere's attidude of non-interference, if I may so describe it.

Thank you to everyone who commented! I’ve had a good conversation with my partner and told him a lot of the stuff he was in dark about. It was a hard conversation but glad it happened. We have slightly different views on the frequency of visits etc but we’ve decided that I should send her a text similar to this thread and then when lockdown is over have a conversation with her in more depth. Thank you again for all your comments I’ll try and keep everyone posted

Why should you send her a link to this postman

Why is not your partner handling his own mother?

Conversations explaining your boundaries do not go well.

Link to this post, sorry

She didn't say that Hithere she said we’ve decided that I should send her a text similar to this thread which isn't quote the same.

I think personally that a text is a mistake as it's in writing and will almost certainly be picked over and probably negated and maybe ridiculed. I think your husband kshould speak to her initially.
Good luck!

Notspaghetti

Thanks! I misread.

I agree with you

I have read this before, probably on mumsnet.

Your MIL is behaving according to her culture and is most unlikely to accept that there is anything wrong with her behaviour. There is by our standards but the important thing is that you and your husband need to be united for anything to change.

I encountered cultural differences in my marriage (not as extreme but it means I “get” it). You either function as a small family unit or a wider African type one where grandmother rules the roost. Neither is correct. They are simply different.

If you are unable to compromise on any important point then you have to know if your husband is going to support your viewpoint and back you up. If he won’t then your marriage is doomed and the sooner you split the better.

To give an example. I suspect you are hinting that she expects your child to be circumcised, you do not. Before you decided to have a baby was this not discussed?
There are pros and cons to male circumcision (I have spoken to an NHS urologist who said many of the problems he deals with in men could have been prevented if the patient had been circumcised at birth) though the current climate in this country is against.
What if your baby had turned out to be a girl? Would FGM have been expected? Do you even know? This would be totally unacceptable, not just in this country but in every civilised culture.

This is the problem in “mixed marriages” which being in love makes you both blind to until clashes arise.
You have to consider whether your husband is willing to compromise and you have to know what issues you would never compromise on by sitting down and discussing it.

To use mumsnet speak - you have a DH problem, not a mother in law problem!

I’m very sorry you are dealing with this as this sounds like a true ordeal you are facing. Unfortunately you must put your foot down and make it clear that this is you and your partner’s baby and you and him make the decisions. Be kind and courteous. But be firm. It will not be easy but it’s extremely important to firm up your boundaries. So sorry you are experiencing this.