Sad times

He is already alienated if he can speak to his grandmother like that. So what if he is irritated - he still shouldn't be so rude and nasty to his grandmother. Perhaps his father would be able to have a conversation with him and help him to understand how upset his poor grandmother is and how rude he has been. He will not get far in life if he thinks he can be rude to anyone who irritates him. Perhaps this should be pointed out to him by someone he will listen to- like his father.
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At 23 he's old enough to know better. When he speaks to you in a way that upsets you, tell him not to. Firmly. Don't pussyfoot around him.

He will have more respect for you if you show respect for yourself.

I’m sorry that grandson is so rude OP. He sounds like hard work.

However, going to his father will not improve your relationship and you may find it never recovers. If anyone should speak to him about how he talks to you, it needs to be you.

He is not a child.

Those of you who would go to his father just baffle me.

Yes namsnanny? What’s the face about? Is only advice you agree with allowed?

I’m uneasy with those who get other people to fire the bullets for them.

I really don’t think you need to ‘take a look at what irritates him’ as suggested by another poster. Who cares what irritates him. He is rude and disrespectful and shouldn’t be nasty to his grandmother. End of.

Well if someone clearly doesn’t like your company basically you can go two ways.

You can say I don’t care, I’ll be who I am and he should accept that.

Or you can say, I’m obviously behaving in a way that he finds objectionable.

The OP can do either. But saying he’s a very rude young man, how dare he, without examining her own behaviour won’t change anything. It certainly won’t get her the close relationship she wants.

He said she was racist. Perhaps she was. Shouldn’t he speak out?

I think that his behaviour is inexcusable. Telling his grandmother to f off?? As to alienating him, he has achieved that himself. I would distant myself from him and I would talk to his parents to explain why. There's probably more going on here too. I doubt that he is little lord fauntroy with his parents either.

I think you should speak to your grandson about his bad language, especially when it is directed at you.

Brexit - I wouldn't discuss it with him.

next time .he swears at you say BACK AT YOU... if not say ,thats not very nice thats very hurtful please dont speak to me like that. stand up for yourself.........he says these things because you are too soft with him. say if you cant say any thing decent ,dont say anything at all.

It depends on how he said fuck off. Some young people do say it in a jokey way to one another. Did he say it in a confrontational, aggressive way?

It probably is an inappropriate way to speak to an older person who is not used to such language but it may not have been meant in the way you took it.

If you found it objectionable, you should have calmly said so at the time.

I don't have adult grandchildren yet, but if I did, love them or not, I would probably avoid any further contact if they ever spoke to me like that in the scenario that the OP has described. The same goes for my adult children if they were to do it.

Any typical 23 year old is old enough to know what is unacceptable, and also how there are different standards for different generations. If someone has always treated them with respect, they should know never speak to them like that!

My own sons can be very rude to their father, my OH, but that is because he speaks to them like that too.
I would be very upset if they spoke to me the same way, but they never have, because I have never spoken to them in that way. They have always realized that it would be very wrong to speak to most people like that.

Times might be changing, but I would still expect the OP's grandson to 'know' and apply such social rules at his age.

I would like to think that if that had happened to me, I would have told him (afterwards perhaps if it was a group situation), in no uncertain terms, that it was totally unacceptable. However, as I hate confrontation, I would not find it easy.

The OP complains that he has been disrespectful on a number of occasions. The first one she highlighted was that he said she was being racist. She saw that as being disrespectful.

I don’t. She obviously expressed opinions that he strongly disagreed with. He spoke out. That was disrespectful.? He should have just let her carry on with her racist opinions because she’s his grandmother?

I note that even the OP says he doesn’t have these problems with his other grandparents.

She needs to look at what she has done to alienate him. If she wants things to improve. He wasn’t born disliking her.

Eglantine21 ....I’m not a racist how dare you even suggest that..were you there when I’ve been with my grandson i have never discussed anything racist to him or anyone in my family why would I ..l guess I’ll close this conversation now ...but can I thank everyone for their help ...I’m sure myself and grandson will get there and we’ll sort things I’m sure .

Something must have made him think that Saddee. Why don’t you ask him why he said what he did.

Sometimes it’s good for us all to take a good look at ourselves as we appear to others.

How dare I suggest it? Because I live with it......