Feeling tugged in all directions

Horrible situation to find yourself in. I’m afraid I’m very hard hearted, I’d give him a selection of care homes to choose from and make it clear I was going. You’ll never get this time with your daughter and grandchildren back again.

Does your daughter know how bad your husband’s health is when she asked for the help? what was discussed in relation to him? Do you think she is expecting you to pay for carers to come in or for him to go to respite care? These are all conversations and considerations you need to have especially as regards costs; if you are able to pay for respite care why not instead arrange for carer to come in.
I would tell your DH that you do intend to visit daughter to help with the GC,and he has 2 choices of either respite care or carer coming in via an agency. He sounds very stubborn, and as others have said, what if you were ill and unable to care for him? he would have to accept other help then!

However much you want to help, you already have your hands full. Pop over for the first day (which is always the hardest) stay one night and go home.
She will manage. You can do flying visits over the next few weeks to break up the days.
I suggest her husband uses some holiday time (say a day a week for 6 weeks) to shorten his weeks until a new "normal" emerges.
This worked for my daughter.
Good luck!

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go into respite care for 2 weeks. An unselfish person would suggest it themselves.

Get a temporary live in carer from a good agency Expensive though

How about, instead of paying for your DH to go into respite care, you use the money to pay for a nanny to fome in daily to help your daughter for those 2 weeks?

He's 81. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to go in a care home.

I agree Jellybean should go to daughter-a precious time not to be missed. As others have said it concentrates the mind on care for her hubby. Arrange carers to go in and he’ll manage for a short time and it will set the scene for future visits for her

Bradfordlass72,

OP's daughter just gave birth to twins.
Asking the daughter to travel just because OP's husband is stubborn and selfish is a horrible idea.

Could your daughter come to you? Two crying babies in the house should make DH change his mind about a nice holiday in a rest home.

Sorry to say it but I think he's being selfish and only thinking about himself because he's always had you at his beck and call.

Now I truly believe you have to show him you have a life, a lovely daughter and grand children and he has to have either an alternative carer for two weeks (not long is it?), or help you out by agreeing to respite care..

How about hiring carers?

You are a person too, not just a role (caring for your dh)

What would happen if for whatever reason (you are sick, for example), you are not able to take care of your dh? Have you and your dh thought of that possibility?

Could the other grandparents help rather than you ?

Is your husband your daughter's father, or is he her step dad. That does sometimes shape attitudes. Do you have any family memothers have suggested, could he come to London with you and stay in a local respite home, where he could come out to be with you and family a few hours a day, before returning, with relief to the peace and tidiness of the care home.

How does your husband feel about you going to help your (and his) daughter?
Does he think you shouldn't go because of his needs?
Does he think you should go but has no idea how he will manage?
Or he has an idea how he will manage?

If it's important enough to you, tell him you are going and ask him what he thinks you (both) should arrange re his care.

A friend of mine is severely disabled and needs a huge amount of help. Since his wife died he lives alone, with Carers coming in four times a day. It works very well.
It is possible, and if your husband won’t agree to a couple of weeks respite care in a home, then I suggest you get carers in so you can help your daughter with her twins.

I'd see if I could get someone in to care for him for a couple of weeks, are there any relatives or close friends who could help out? failing that there are care agencies. The suggestion of putting him into a home for a few weeks must've come as a shock to him. Are there any homes near to your daughter that could take him for a short stay? He could then see the babies too

I would tell him that he is going into respite! There may come a time when he has to go into care, so much better for a few trial runs and this is an ideal time.

What about respite care near you daughter so he could see the new babies, too?

Or a rota of the above. Good luck.

Congratulations on your twin grandchildren, glad they are getting on well now but it must have been a worry, so understand why you would want to be with your daughter to help. One baby is hard but two? Much harder if they feed and sleep at different times.
So I hope you can find a solution to this, perhaps talk aGain to your husband. It seems a little inconsiderate of him to refuse you this request. If not a week in respite care, then someone to visit a couple of times every day while you are away? Friends, family or paid carer. Of course you are desperate to go.
Enjoy your visit tomorrow.

Do try and arrange something so you can go and help your daughter. My daughter had twins and it is a huge amount of work and she was exhausted. They rarely sleep or feed at the same time and mum never has enough rest.

If this is her first pregnancy she will probably not find things easy and will be overwhelmed. I think she should be your priority . If your husband is unable to travel with you so you can look after everybody in the same house, I think after my own daughters experience the new mum comes first

First time mums always imagine they wont cope when paternity leave ends.

But they do and it gives them a confidence boost!

Everything seems like a 2 man job when there is 2 of them IYKWIM

Paternity leave is only a couple of weeks Ellan.

Maternity allowance can be shared I think but that means mum going back to work.

OP I honestly think your DH going to a home is a bit drastic.

Help with new babies is great but not 100% necessary or even that common these days.

I can see why you would WANT to be with your DD, But you dont NEED to be there IYKWIM

Where's the paternity leave for the new dad ?

Can’t you take him with you I m sure he’d love to see the babies too as he is physically disabled not mentally it seems hard for him not to be involved in this lovely (never to be relived) time