Sharing Home and Grandparenting

My question to you is this. Am I wrong? Should I leave them alone? Should I stay away when she cries out like this?

Yes, yes and yes! You are wrong, leave them alone and stay away when she cries. If her husband is military and your daughter is in a clinical trial, then I'm sure accommodation was offered freely in both instances. Are you sure you did not opt to move in with them? Not that I matters but your narrative on how you all came to live together doesn't make any sense.

Then a situation occurred to where my Daughter and Son in law of the military had a need to move in with me

Why? Did the military not provide them with housing?

You see, my Daughter is and has been apart of a study to give birth via a uterus transplant and for her to be able to complete the study, they must live in the area. This is why we are living together. My Daughter is the second woman to give birth in the nation, via uterus transplant

If this is the case then housing was provided too. You quickly skipped over why you're living together.

Maybe you should move back to your rental unit and give them their own space.

First of all, what great proof of medical advancement. Congratulations to all involved.....
Now to the issue on hand. I could never live with my daughter. We would butt heads all the time. We are both very opinionated and highly strung (dare I say it) .
Regardless, at our age, I think we need our own space. Ofcourse, you can help out when needed, but joint family living is fraught with problems, even with docile personalities.
Can you rent a place nearby? I don't know what the answer is, but like others say, don't offer child-rearing advice. ...your s.i.l. Is rather childish to give you the silent treatment.
Good luck and I hope things will sort itself out in time x

What an amazing story and a true "miracle" baby, it's understandable that you worry about her. The problem is that her father must have been very worried about the whole pregnancy and will be ultra sensitive to any suggestion that he and your daughter aren't coping. If economics mean that you have to live together I would keep well in the background, don't offer an opinion unless asked and only speak to your son in law if you can make a positive comment about something he has done well.

I agree that you would get on better if you lived in separate properties. It would be easier for all of you including your daughter who may well feel that she is being pulled in different directions. The parents want their privacy as you have already stated and so do you. I would look to getting my own small flat or house and tell them that although you love them all they need their privacy .

I agree with Stella, you’ll all get along a lot better with your own space, and I presume what your daughter is going through is quite stressful

We had one of our grandchildren and her mum living with us for about a year, and the boundaries get blurred, it’s fine if everybody has a laid back attitude to it, but if not, could definitely cause tensions.

Good luck with everything, just try and take a step back

You were renting before - you can move out and rent again. Just because THEY have to live near the medical facility , doesn't mean you all have to live together. Move out before it gets so bad that things fall apart. Good luck .

Thank you all for your input.

To make things a little more clear for you, I will indulge a bit more.

I do not own my own home. I went through a divorce 2 years ago. At the time of my divorce, I had been living in the same rental for over 8 years and had plans of staying there.

Then a situation occurred to where my Daughter and Son in law of the military had a need to move in with me.

They lived with me for two years until the need came that we needed to move into a bigger place.

You see, my Daughter is and has been apart of a study to give birth via a uterus transplant and for her to be able to complete the study, they must live in the area. This is why we are living together. My Daughter is the second woman to give birth in the nation, via uterus transplant.

With that being said, I cherish every single moment that I have with my Daughter and her husband and my "miracle" Grandchild and can't help but help them as much as I can being new parents. I understand the need to give them space and understand the need to keep my mouth shut.

However, am having a problem with the "silence"...ignoring...and attitude from the Father, that I messed up and once again asked, "Is she ok??"..." What happened??"

As I said, one home is not meant for two families no matter WHAT the situation.

Thank you for listening.

It seems to me you are just a wee bit impatient.

First of all, you have only recently moved in - you cannot expect it all to go smoothly straight away. Give it time - you learn better that way.

If a child falls and cries and a parent is there - wait. You'll soon find out if it's hurt, or you are needed. Give it time.

People often post their problems here and it' clear they have not given it time to resolve or to learn how to deal with the situation.
So you are not alone froggee631

Be there IF you are needed but otherwise, listen to what the parents say. You are, after all, in their home.

I wondered why you have moved in with them too as they should have been allocated married quarters.

Are they likely to both be deployed at the same time therefore you will be left in charge of your DGD?

I think we need more information before giving advice.

I think the best thing to do is either divide the accommodation you have into two zones, maybe each a bedroom and living room, even if you share the kitchen and bathroom. Maybe have a happy hour altogether in the evening and you only get involved with the baby otherwise by invitaion. The alternative is that one household moves out.

In the UK the army make provision for the housing of all soldiers, officers and other ranks. Either an army house or a rent allowance so there would be no need for a military family to move back in with their parents.

I am a bit unclear as to the exact arrangements. However I will say that my mum (who I got on very well with mostly) had a habit whenever there was a tiny little incident with my kids would fuss 'are they OK?' 'dear, dear' 'oooh let's see...what happened' - very similar to your description OP, and it really annoyed me!
If one of my kids had tripped, or spilled something, or was having a little fuss, i could handle it.... what I couldn't handle was explaining to mum, justifying whatever I was doing AND concentrating on the slightly upset child. It felt like I had 2 children!
It's a help to come to see what is going on, to clean up a mess, get a cold flannel, soothing toy, or whatever; or to stay in earshot so I could call for what I needed, or to ask advice.
I rally don't know if you think this applies to you, I wonder if it is worth a thought.

I don’t envy you, as Loislovesstewie asks, why are you all sharing, is your role a childminder? Or is there some other reason?

I think you have to learn to keep quiet, I know it’s only natural to want to make sure the baby is okay, but if her parents are there with her, she’s obviously alright

I feel for you, I’ve very often had a scathing look from one daughter, when without thinking, I’ve said, yes, they may leave the table/go outside/turn the television on without checking, sometimes it’s hard to switch off from being in charge!

Are you in the USA froggee631 ? It's difficult sharing like this, do you have your own space to retreat to ? Sounds like you should back off a little as you say they are good parents and let them deal with things in their own way. Perhaps you all need a frank conversation about your expectations.

I would ask why you are all sharing a home? I mean it is a recipe for disaster isn't it? Did you discuss expectations before you made the decision? Can you move out if it doesn't work? Sorry lots of questions but I think we need more info before we can give more advice.

Apologise for getting in their business.

Why have you moved in with them? Do you have a home of your own in your home town?