daughter in law

I can see both sides here. As a mother I would want my wishes for my children to be respected, what ever they were.

But the reality of life with I knew my MIL would be more lax with the children when they stayed with her. So I just let it go and the children adjusted. They knew they could secretly raid the biscuit tin (Nan knew but turned a blind eye!) and they or she would tell me what had gone on anyway!
Our rules as parents were more strict, but the children followed them anyway.
I thought it was a nice wee 'holiday' for them to break the home rules whilst away. No harm done. Possibly a chance to learn to adjust and be flexible in life.

What I have learned from this is children come to no harm if they understand boundries are different with different people.

What is harmful is devaluing the other persons choices in front of the children.

I think my MIL and I had a good relationship which was definitely enriched because we saw different sides to the childrens personalities, and respected each others point of view.
I think on reflection she encouraged and supported me in subtle ways, which helped us all along the way so much.
I owe her a debt of gratitude, and my children had a very close relationship with her I'm happy to say.
Unfortunately not so with my own mother, but that's another story!

Sorry showergelfresh, that my post was all about me and mine. It posted quicker than I wanted, so I didn't have time to add any pertinent thoughts about your dilemma!
I could say to you it could be worse.

I would say that my experience with my own gchildren hasn't been anything like as lovely as my kids had with their paternal gm.

I've been corralled and manipulated out of seeing them very much at all, much to my astonishment. As I was looking forward to the type of relationship you have with your gc and my kids had with their paternal gran.

So all I can say is try not to rock the boat, no matter how goaded you are, and try to remember she's WORKING whilst your PLAYING with gc!! I know which I'd rather be doing!
Yes she couldn't work without your help, but your relationship with gc is far more valuable and gratifying than worrying about who puts more in and takes more out!!
Believe me I'd walk over hot coals to see my gc twice a month let alone twice a week!!

Hello again everyone
Thanks again for all your responses.
I really feel I'm getting somewhere now.
With the working from home business - ds has said he'll let me know by short text on the day that she's working from home that day. This makes me feel a lot easier as me and gs will know she's there and I won't have such a shock on opening the door.
Thanks to your suggestions I feel much more confident in just continuing being myself if she walks through 'to make coffee' - if it was me I'd make sure I'd had all my coffee by 3.30 - .....
I will also make sure I tell gs mummy is upstairs working today and it'll be as if she's away in the office.

A couple of weeks ago ds asked me to babysit on the 14th Feb. I said yes and to swap having youngest gs from Friday to Thursday and to swap my voluntary job round accordingly. Fab voluntary job btw if any of you want to know more - north London and they always need more volunteers.

Well ds kept delaying to say he wanted this arrangement for sure and tonight I felt fed up with being messed around in general so phoned him to say
1. Can I trust you to let me know if dw is working from home?
He said yes! Result!
2. I need to know about the babysitting arrangement - yes or no?
He said yes thank you Mum
3. There was another arrangement for half term I needed verification over...
He said yes - we can bring gs over at 12 ( my other son is coming over - its a sunday)

Thank you everyone for giving me courage to stand my ground and be more confident less afraid of these people!

You are all quite right that its all too easy to become a doormat through the fear they may wield that powerful stick of 'not letting us see the grandchildren'/not respecting that we are different to them but still managed to bring up okay children!!!!!!! i.e the parent of those gc!!!!

There is power in numbers on this forum and make no doubt we will enable ourselves to give our gc that precious gift of a genuine gp!

I dropped off youngest gc today and dil was again far more polite than ever before but I am not holding my breath...Still smiling and nodding...

Make no bones about it - she doesn't work on Thursdays and Fridays and I have youngest gc every other Friday from 9 'till 6 so she has a free day 'till she collects other gs from school...

NOW - what would I have given for a free day all those years ago..?

Ds - on those verification calls today said at one point -
"It is complicated you know doing all the dropping off and collecting."
I couldn't help saying "Do you think I don't know this? Did I never have to do it myself?"
To be faif mine were dropped off at the school gate far too young/early really but he knows all that.

Really both my ds have done me proud but it was b£££dy hard work working full time and dragging them up too.

One poster mentioned this generation expect everything and many are quite spoiled and I think dil is one of those.

Anyway enough for now and a massive THANK YOU!

P.S the peanut butter sandwich story was just anecdotal - demonstrating the differences between me and dil and yes its important little children know everywhere is different.
Nannas house and what goes on in there is different from Grandmas/nursery/school/home/grandmas/fried Jimmy's etc and that will a good grounding for the world of work!

Look forward to reading anymore posts and I'm sure to be back with the next 'thing'...

I'm new here but hope to be able to offer suggestions to others and more importantly to be able to see thing from someone else's viewpoint something which possibly I need to improve on.

That last post sounded terrible and so full of myself and as if I know it all but its only because I posted on here and you helped solve the dilemma and I felt so terrible, couldn't sleep etc. only a few days ago.

I do know the worst thing is not seeing the gc. This I will always bear in mind...

@Loulelady

Your post is excellent and I really hope OP takes it on board. The resentment and passive-aggressive undermining of her DIL will lead nowhere good.

It didnt sound full of yourself at all. Thanks for the update. If you act differently you will be treated differently so well done. One thing I have learned from Gransnet is to listen to other viewpoints.
I may have missed a post. I didn't realise you have the gc a full day while DiL had a day off. I presume that is your choice and not requested by DiL. Neverthelesss its very helpful to your son and DiL.

Thank you annepl
There are 2 - the 4 year old and a 2 year old. I meet the 4 year old from school 3 days a week and have the 2 year old every other friday for the day.
Its all my choice. When I started the meeting from school last September I had no idea she's sometimes be working from home. I would have never chosen that - for her to be there.
I really feel I can act differently now thanks to everyone's suggestions.
Yes - it really is all helpful for dil and ds - I am sure ds knows how lucky he is but dil just takes it for granted because her mum didn't work when she was small, there was a dad around earning and grandparents too at everyone's disposal whereas ds just had me and an every other saturday dad who went on to have more children and didn't bring them up either!

I still think about one posters suggestion of buying a kettle and mug etc for coffee making in the upstairs 'office'.
Nothing like a bit of humour - if she comes down to the kitchen I'll remember that and it'll be a real smile and nod.

I think I might say "Would you like me to bring you coffee when I'm making mine? Save you coming down". But totally up to you. Anyway yes she may not understand how lucky she is if it was the norm for her. I was surrounded by a big extended family. Help, babysitting, overnights, were all taken for granted. I didn't realise until my second husband told me that he and his wife never got out when the children were young. Its nice to hear you speaking more confidently about it all.

Fingers crossed we manage to avoid each other for the next few weeks.
I would never even hope now that we would ever get on -
being a fab grandma doesn't mean being a fab mil. The whole expectation is ridiculous and an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.

I was very left out with her 'wonderful' mother by ds and dil when gs first arrived and it really upset me but now I really don't give a s##t.
Her mother and father are the type who sit in an armchair with a glass of wine in their hands...

That's another story though.

I have to say this and I hope it doesn't come off as rude but you have no right to feel "surprised" at a woman being in her own home. That is your DILs house to live, work and drink coffee in as she pleases. You are very lucky to spend the time you are with your GS. It seems you have built up all these negative feelings for this woman to the point her asking to not wreck the house with pens is mentally affecting you. See a councilor on how to emotionally heal so you can enjoy the time with your GS instead of acting like your DIL in invading her own space.

I also have to say it's rather rude to have your son, her husband, working as some sort of secret spy giving your a "heads up" his wife is in her own house. I can definitely see this affecting their marriage and guess who will be blamed for the wedge.

Just learn to heal. Relax and enjoy your grand.

I found your comment about sitting in a chair with a glass of wine puzzling as I am not sure what you meant to say about DIL parents?

It is just a weird judgey statement. People can drink wine in a chair, doesn't make them evil in my book.

The fact that OP chooses to skim over and ignore the 'not so supportive ' posts seem to prove to me that she is not open to condsidering that she may be wrong at times at all! We have a Nanny's House Nanny's Rules sort of thing in our family. However, if there are serious worries or thoughts from my DD's then we support them whole heartedly. We are a bit free with the biscuits, but if Mummy says not before dinner - then we (usually) comply and support. Why be so negative about your DIL trying to smooth things over? Why the passive aggressive quotes on 'Working from Home'. She is very lucky to have you to help with the children, but from my point of view - and probably hers as well, that is what families do. You are family, so try to remember that and embrace it.

Her mother and father are the type who sit in an armchair with a glass of wine in their hands...
oh dear

My glass of wine is usually presented to me as I loll on the sofa and filled up again by DIL.
She's such a bad influence

People can drink wine in a chair, doesn't make them evil in my book
that's a relief chattypatty
sometimes I even put my feet up on a stool!

Now that is evil!

A stool, indeed!

Jalima You are definitely beyond the pale

@Chattypatty I agree, I am confused why you think DIL should stock pile coffee upstairs before 3:30 so you don't have to see her face. You may think you've won by getting your son to text about DIL behind her back but really you have only won at driving a wedge between a married couple

Some of you lot are sadly ignorant about how DILs can sometimes operate. Perhaps the mum isn't there to keep an eye on what is going on, perhaps she doesn't come down for coffee just so she can have a good look and perhaps she isn't jealous of the relationship between her son and his gran. But there is a strong posssibility she is some or all of those things. Just think she could make coffee just before they come in (less disturbing for the child), she could tell the OP which days she will be home. showergelfresh will be there for around 2 hours, you might need a loo break in that time, but you could work through.
sgf is there a garden? If so as the weather improves I would be inclined to spend more time outside. Well done for being stronger and getting your DS to help.One thing to keep you going your GS will grow very fast and things will change. Just stay strong, hold your tongue and try to be friendly.

It's the DILs house, her home, that she owns. The DIL can do whatever she wants in her own home. OP is in the wrong for trying to dictate what happens in someone else's house and trying to turn her son against his wife.

It is absolutely ridiculous a woman cant get coffee when she pleases in her sanctuary, her own space. I think we would all be upset if the DIL treated OP this way in their own home.

Have to say I totally agree with Febmummaofaboy and Chattypatty.I don’t think the OP should be texting her son complaining about his wife and I really think the DIL should be able to do what she wants in her own house.If the OP really can’t bear being in the house with her DIL,could she not go to her own house or to a soft play type place or the library for an hour or so?

So why do you think the DIL won't tell the OP when she is working from home?
I was thinking about this and if my DIL came round to do something in my house that would benefit me I would be bending over backwards to make sure that she was happy and comfortable. Including staying out of her way if she was doing something and letting her know when I was going to be around. The pendulum seems to have swung the other way from when I was a DIL and expected to conform and give way to my MIL because she was older and wiser. Apparently it's the DIL who must be considered above all even if she is the one benefiting from the arrangement