At A Loss

From what I understand they have worked it out between them they they each have the kids every other night and every other weekend. This may be a fair way of doing it for them but it seems like a lot of back and forth for the kids to me.

My heart is just broken for the kids.

Time will tell what transpires from all of this

Dear GrandmaFaye, lots of advice here which shows much support for you in a very tricky set of family events. You are handling this with dignity, when you could so easily take your son's side just because he is your flesh and blood, and your DIL appreciates this or she would have stopped contact between you and your GC.
Is there any chance of reconciliation between your son+his wife or is it too late for that? Time is needed to sort this out whichever way it goes. My advice is not to block DIL or son's calls, tell them you are prepared to listen but you cannot take sides - you want what's best for the health and well-being of your dear Grandchildren and they must come first in all of this. Let the children know you love them and will continue to do so. Tell them (often) that you are there to listen to whatever they (GC) want to tell you, and if that is in confidence, only agree to listen if you are able to keep it a secret.
Hopefully this can be resolved with as little pain as possible.

Lumarei Your comments are thoughtful, highly emotionally intelligent, realistic, empathetic and moving! I admire you for your self reflection that many find so hard and I hope the OP can take comfort and your wisdom in equal doses as she decides what to do.

I was that DIL once. My ex made me and our three children virtually homeless by leaving me as we had lived in tied accommodation and I had no job and no family in this country. I could not move back to my country since two of my children were in critical years at school.

My ex didn’t even have the decency to tell his mum so I told her and I also told her that I understoobd that he was her (only) son and could therefore not take sides and disown him (which is what she mentioned in her first shock ). She offered me and all three children accommodation in her small three bed terrace which I found incredibly moving. It took the terror of where to live away knowing there was somewhere we could live if all failed but luckily I never had to take up her offer. After my ex left I hated him so much that I could not be friends with anybody who still had contact with him thinking that if they condoned his actions they were against me.

MiL was the only exception and she saw the grandchildren whenever she wanted. Three years later she became very ill and never walked again but I visited her with her grand children weekly until she died five years later, never forgetting her kind offer.

I remember how angry and rejected I felt when I learned that only a few weeks after we separated she welcomed his new woman into her house - and I told her. She had a look of panic on her face saying she could not refuse them the house - they had invited themselves.
I realised that I had to overcome my resentment towards her however hard it was.
I can understand your DiL even if her actions are wrong. The fury is so big it can be all consuming. Up to that point I could not understand people hating and never would have thought that ultimately it was me who had to learn the lesson of forgiveness - but it took time.

I have great empathy for my SIL but he knows if he ever leaves my DD, I will have to take my DD"s side because if I fail to do so, I may lose my GC too. It sounds like you are in the same boat but need to at least acknowledge to your DIL that you have every sympathy for her even if you can't take sides. If I were in your position, I would be encouraging her to seek mediation to try to sort out all the living arrangements because it is difficult for you to remain neutral. Your DIL is obviously very hurt from the break up even if she hasn't been an angel herself and she needs to vent to anybody who will listen. It's very sad and I'd let her just vent without joining in.

What a sad situation to be in.
At the moment your DiL is very angry and looking for people to take her side against your son, no doubt so she can throw it back in his face!
So your son didn't ask your opinion - why should he? It is his marriage , and when all is said and done, it is up to him how he deals with it. However, it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to sit down and have a talk with you to explain what he feels has gone wrong , but as a bloke, I doubt that will happen at the moment- in my experience they make a decision, and that is the end of it !
I think you need to meet up with your DiL away from your home and tell her calmly that although you care about her (even if you're lying!) , what has happened is between her and your son and even if you think he is an idiot, you will not take sides. Now, how can you help her with the children ? It was a tactic my mum used, several times over - there for the kids, adults could take care of themselves and it seemed to work.

Blue60
I agree with you.

Thank you

I think at the moment she is very angry and emotional and is looking for comfort and possibly someone to acknowledge that he is in the wrong.

I would sympathise with her, but say that you find it difficult to hear those words being spoken and that you are unable to anything. All you CAN do is remain a friend to her and grandmother to the children.

Grandmafaye
Maybe she's angry at your son for telling her to go.thats hard and I think it's embarrassing too. Only a guess but I hope it helps

Don't block her.... Of course you don't want to get involved, but it's obvious that she's hurt and she needs support, especially because your son is in the wrong. If she wants to have a genuine, productive conversation with you however, tell her to stop texting and to call you instead.... and that 'smear talk' is off limits.

If he IS misbehaving, you can agree and admit that you aren't happy over the current situation either. You can also tell her that more than anything, you want them to be together, for her sake too and for the sake of your grandchildren, but that it's out of your hands because it's not your place to get involved. Finally, you understand why she's angry but saying bad things about your son only hurts you too and it hurts the children too, if they can hear.

Many couples reconcile even after very difficult situations. I hope things get better going forward.

If your son has full custody of his daughter and the step mum has not adopted her there may be real legal problems with her being with her step mum. This needs sorting out. If there are problems at shool or an accident the step mum may not be permitted to deal with them. You need to tell your DS to sort things out and perhaps he could then give permission for your DGD to live with you.

Thank you for your input. You are correct about puberty coming..... she is growing up to fast!

It’s an awful situation, sadly I have experienced a now ex daughter in law constantly belittle & berate my son. I think I wouldn’t allow your daughter in law to speak ill of him continuously. It’s not helpful and it causes you pain. By all means acknowledge he’s got problems but leave it at that if at all possible.

Other than that, keep listening to your daughter in law for the sake of your grandchildren. It would be dreadful to lose touch with them. My son now shares custody with his ex but it’s not been an easy road with her attitude towards him or the rest of us in the family.

I suggest being proactive and calling her to ask if you can help with the grandchildren. Might that ease the situation?

I feel your pain, all the very best of luck GrandmaFaye

My son didn’t put his kids out. They asked to stay with her after their weekend visit. The only reason my granddaughter asked to stay with her is because I have already told her that she would not be allowed to live with me because I am the grandmothers don’t know all the details of what has and is going on myself. My son will lie by omission and she will lie just straight out.

She does have Family that she is with. She has a job and money ( she make more than I do)

She has basically involved the world so yes she has someone to talk too. She posted things on FB to the extent that I had people calling me askyif she had lost her mind and I had not even seen the post.

I can’t “fix” them. They have to work this out themselves.

I will try to talk with my son when I get the chance but as of yet I have not had the opportunity to do so

I feel sorry for your dil and gc. They have left their home behind and moved where? Surely it should have been your son who left so that the children stayed in their own home. Sad. You need to keep in contact and would it do any harm in supporting her.

No, that is not correct. He asked my dil to leave and he kept the kids for a week and got them to school. This past weekend was her weekend to have them and when it was time to go back to their dad they asked to stay with her.

My granddaughter (her Stepdaughter) has asked to live with me.

The recent event was/is my son’s doing.
The last 11 years of problems they both have been contributors too.

I feel sorry for all involoved as it must be distressing. As to your DIL I would let her have her say, answer neutrally then ask how she is, GC etc and offer to help where needed. Don't defend or excuse your son, don't agree or disagree with her opinions, just be there for her.
Maybe offer to have the children overnight, at the weekend or to pick up from school. Meet her for coffee or lunch in a neutral place, letting her know that you are there for her and the children.
At the same time, speak to your son and see where he stands regard their marriage, what the future is for them, again as a concerned mother, but remaining neutral.
Easy for an outsider to say, but neutrallity is your best option, IMO.

She is locked in the first flush of anger, and that is wholly understandable. Just make bland comments: "I am so sorry that you are in this difficult situation." etc. And send love to GC.

You can empathise with her whilst still not denigrating your own son. I know it is hard to hear someone running your son down, but I am sure that you would feel the same in her situation. It may be that his decision is a sound one, but that will not stop her feeling angry and upset. It may be that he is wholly in the wrong - you cannot know, as no-one can get inside another's relationship and know what is really going on.

Just be gentle and kind with her, whilst refusing to engage in discussions about how awful your son is. That way, you are responding to her hurt without actively taking sides.

' I just pray she will make them her top priority as well and stop being do selfish and vindictive.'

I think I remember your last post about your DIL? And if I remember rightly the 11 year old is her Stepdaughter? Your son has full custody of her? Did He let her leave too?

I mean this is the kindest way, she didn't leave him, she was 'asked to leave' and she took her children.
Your Son was ok with his wife and children leaving their home.
That wasn't what was best for the children.
Where is she staying? Does she have money? Does your son even know where his children are?
You said you need to stay in contact with your DIL otherwise she will cut contact so it is her who is maintaining contact?
You have said he is mostly in the wrong.

She sounds like she is absolutely fuming. Your son has parental rights so will automatically get access but if it gets to court she will explain how she and her children was kicked out of their home.

Don't block her. She is probably not thinking right. My mother had a breakdown after my parents split up and said the most awful things. She told people that their marriages weren't as strong as they thought they were and it could happen to them. It is surprising that she had any friends left.
It is at the top of her mind and she is desperate for a solution. She probably hears what you say but is too full of emotion and hurt to stop herself.
Try not to react to what she says or let it affect what hopefully will be a long term relationship with her as the mother of your grandchildren. Let her rant, sympathise with her hurt and try to change the subject to the children or what she might want to do next. That might be difficult if she is now suffering financial difficulty as well. It is a fine line but make it clear that you are happy to help with the grandchildren as much as you can.
This is hopefully a temporary situation until she calms down so don't do anything that will be permanent in response.

Keep the communication lines open would be my advice. When you get the chance, say he's not perfect but he will always be your son. Then walk a fine line, not easy but you can do it!

Tbh and from what you've said I think the fault lies with your son. He asked her to leave but has taken no action to move things forward. Is she talking venting at you because she wants some action and thinks you can influence him in some way. It sounds unfair to me because he asked her to go and she has obliged but that can't be the end of it. They either need to talk and try to repair their relationship or consult a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. It sounds as though at the moment she's in limbo. She could start divorce proceedings but that will involve fees but it might liven your Son up. The have to go through mediation these days as part of the divorce so if she takes action they will then attend mediation and talk about their finances, living arrangements etc.
So all you can do really is suggest to the pair of them that someone needs to take some action because it's unfair on you to keep off loading onto you all the time when they are the only ones who can move the situation forward. I'd say to her I can see where you're coming from but what do you want me to do? You must see that the only people who can sort this out are the two of you, I'll help if and where I can but honestly it's the pair of you that need to sort it out.

I’m quite shocked at some of the cold hearted responses like just block her! Does anyone know what the son has done/ is doing? When you are ‘dumped’ it hurts. Her children suddenly don’t have a present dad. Show some compassion people! The OP almost admitted her son would be in the wrong. We don’t know the whole story of which there are 2 sides. What if you are all supporting a coercive controller or abuser. I would be desperate and asking mother in law to try and help and improve the situation if she had any sway over her son.

I think you will need to explain to your grandchild that children have to live with their parents unless their parents decide to let them live somewhere else.

This may not be strictly true in law, but can be understood by a child.

Put your phone on speaker while your DIL is ranting away and do something else - wash up or something. It doesn't really sound as if she wants your point of view.

Reading back through all comments I agree that it's best to keep comms open. Your DiL may move a distance away which may make visiting your GC awkward so you want to keep her onside whilst explaining that you know the score but it's painful for you too. Ask how you can help.

We don't know the full facts as to why she was asked to leave. Did your son not want to keep the children or did his wife just take them?

Stay neutral but possibly have the children for a weekend and explain things appropriately. They will be confused and, at the moment, nanny is a safe person to be with.
Lots of good wishes to you all.