Grandkids mom mad that I met my other grandchild

Luckygirl, have you been without an entire side of your family? I have and I would highly recommend avoiding it if possible.

Honestly your son needs a good kick up the backside .If my son had gor someone else pregnant while he already had a pregnant GF I'd have taken the GF's side and told him he needed to grow up...quick smart !The two children who know you should be your priority ,the other little one doesn't have as much contact with you so wont miss you in the same way.Theres no problem with keeping in touch by skype and sending small gifts BUT until the mother of his two other children comes to terms with it you have to see where she is coming from.She and her kids need to see that they are a priority with someone in the family given the behaviour of their dad .She deserves a medal for even taking him back .

But the OP is risking losing the relationship she already has with her two DGC; and worse still the relationship that they have with her. The new GC does not have that established relationship to lose and to miss.

It is very tough indeed but it is a question of damage limitation.

What to do? - establish a relationship with the new GC not knowing whether the mother of that child might continue to want you in the child's life or not; or consolidate the already loving relationship with the 2 GC who know and love you already?

Without care, the OP could finish up with losing her two existing GC, and also that with the new GC. Hence my advice in my previous post. I am not oblivious to how painful it might be to make such a difficult choice.

This lad does indeed need a kick up the arse for causing so much unhappiness - how very very hard for the OP.

The "But" referred to the two posts before yours paddyann.

I think that somebody who can be unreasonable enough to cut off a close and loving relationship with one of their child's grandparents because she chooses to meet someone she doesn't approve of is just as likely to come up with another reason if Gran upsets her. Or, maybe the relationship with the son will go by the wayside and suddenly Gran becomes persona non grata. No matter what my husband had done, I would never have stopped my children from seeing my Grandchildren. My own mother is somewhat toxic so I monitor her relationship with my kids by always being there but I wouldn't cut her out of their lives. It is cruel and a child has a right to loving family on both sides.
Let's just say Sfgrandma makes her apologies to the latest Grandchild to appease DIL. Is she going to return to latest GC if things don't improve with DIL's children? OP could end up with nothing. Out and out appeasement rarely works and will just make DIL think that she can control her MIL. I just don't think DIL has the right to make such demands, she doesn't have to see MIL if she is upset with her but OP's son should be a man and ensure his mother is treated with respect too.

Good, and very pertinent post I canhandthemback

"OP's son should be a man and ensure his mother is treated with respect too" - fat chance of that I think - he has not covered himself in glory so far!

I am thinking of those two GC who know and love the OP and who need some stability in their lives with this feckless father - anything that might compromise that is a bad thing. OP is a constant in their lives while Dad flits back and forth following his genital.

Luckygirl, we have no idea of the circumstances this "feckless" father found himself in. Perhaps he truly thought his relationship was over and then the other young lady was sick after taking her pill so it didn't work properly. We don't know if this father really does every thing he can to make his long-term relationship work but the mother of his children throws him out when she has a wobble. What we do know is that there are 3 innocent children out there who have the chance to have a relationship with a Gran who will, hopefully, give the children stability regardless of how badly the parents are acting.

ican. Good points about our not knowing the circumstances.
Is OP coming back?

It's important to note that there is a lot of volatility in the relationship between OP's son and his ex due to his bad behavior and ultimately, the extramarital affair that has produced another child.

Son's ex is upset with OP (for visiting other child) and has withdrawn her two children. Sfgrandma wants her relationship with grandchildren to be same as before.

Things could go in a variety of ways, but like it or not, in this particular situation 'DIL' has the grandchildren, hence she also has the power.

For Sfgrandma to re-establish the close relationship she once had with her first two GC, should be the primary goal here!

Speculating about future moves (slights) on the part of the ex DIL demanding things like more 'respect', taking back pride, etc. are all adversarial strategies and in the end will be counterproductive. They may feel like a 'win' but they won't achieve the desired result.

So, for the sake of Sfgrandma and her grandchildren, it behooves her to put herself in ex 'DIL's shoes, to soften her heart (as well as ex DIL's)) and be more forgiving going forward in order to win ex DIL back.

Remember all is not lost (yet) and you catch more flies with honey!

I don't think anyone has advocated adversarial tactics, with most agreeing that there should be much reassurance to current DIL that her feelings will be protected as much as possible. The OP did not say that the volatility of the relationship was purely down to her son's behaviour. We do not know all the facts. The son could use softly, softly tactics to gain the respect his mother deserves but no Grandmother should be put in the position where she has to choose one child over another.

In deed they shouldn't - but sadly this is the position that this lady finds herself in. Making the wrong choice could have very sad consequences for the future.

ican, you wrote .....

"... Out and out appeasement rarely works and will just make DIL think that she can control her MIL. I just don't think DIL has the right to make such demands..."

The unfortunate truth is that DIL can make demands because she may not have the right, but she has the children, and that gives her the power.

Having said that, DIL has been wronged too and has her own set of justifiable grievances. Is it possible that refusing to appease DIL (as opposed to winning her over) will only invite more conflict and escalation and drive her further away? (BTW that is what I meant by 'adversarial')

More importantly, how can the above be helpful? Wouldn't it have the potential to cause more grief than the OP already has?

So, like Luckygirl says, the wrong choices can have sad consequences.

You are absolutely right, I did write that but you don't have to be bullish when you resist unreasonable demands, you can make concessions, you can stand firm without being confrontational.
She may have the children but they have 2 parents and both are able to make decisions or, more helpful, both make them together.
Winning DIL over is, of course, the best way to go but if you can't, you may just have to bite the bullet and say, "I'm sorry, but as much as I love you, I can't agree with you and my conscience dictates that I must treat all of my grandchildren equally."
The wrong choices do have consequences, I am thinking of the consequences to an innocent child who doesn't have a father by the sounds of it, and is now going to be without a gran.

ican with all due respect, why not just go with the 'winning DIL over' approach first and see what happens?

Expecting the OP to end up "biting the bullet" is precisely the pessimistic scenario that the OP is looking to avoid. It's also the reason she is seeking our advice in the first place.

willa45, they are already in communicado so it may not be possible to do that. As I said, I come from a situation where I was without one side of my family completely. It has caused all sorts of problems and no doubt it will for the innocent child too if it is cast aside for the sake of the other grandchildren. How long would you give this "winning over" approach? It's been a couple of months already so how long should the one GC wait before it gets the go ahead that it has a relation on the father's side who cares enough to include it in their life?

Gosh! - I have always felt that being dogmatic and insisting on standing on principle is that way to disaster.

Of course the son SHOULD behave well and facilitate a relationship with all the GC; of course the DIL SHOULD (I would question that!) swallow her hurt and be all sweetness and light.

But unfortunately the world does not work like that and we have to approach it with reality in mind.

The bottom line is that no child needs a grandparent as much as a grandparent needs the GC. We are in effect surplus to requirements! It is worth bearing that in mind.

The desired outcome for the OP is that she should have a relationship with all the GC, but they may simply not be possible.

The priority is the pair of children who already know her and have a relationship with her - they have the most to lose if OP does not handle it well. The new GC has less to lose as no relationship is yet established; and there is an element of what you have never had, you don't miss.

Not ideal; but then neither is the world.

I might agree with you Luckygirl if her father were part of this child's life, then it probably would be like the rest of us who loved our GP's but didn't "need" them. However, I ask again, have you lived without one complete side of your family. You don't know anything about them, you are asked more often than you realise about genetic inheritance for all sorts of thing and then you have to explain why you don't know. It is quite humiliating. Even a visit to your optician asks about genetic stuff.
Some people on here are suggesting subterfuge which I think is a disaster waiting to happen. I don't happen to think standing by your principles is a disaster. I would sooner be gently firm about why I felt that I couldn't do as I was told and try to find a way forward. Strangely enough, conflict is not something I find happens much in my life and I find that being quietly honest, respectful of other people's views whilst not compromising my principles has allowed me to keep on good terms with my family's exes and their children. Even my son's wife who fell out with every body else, cut them off from her son (including her mother) remained on good terms with me because she knew she could trust what I said but would do it without aggression.
There is no way I am ever going to agree with you so I suspect we'll have to agree to differ and hope that the OP is lucky enough to have all three GC in her life which would be the perfect outcome.

Luckygirl....agree! The first two grandchildren are the priority because they have the most to lose.

Sfgran, it won't do as long as your DIL is feeling hurt and betrayed by both you and your son. As I mentioned in my very first post, you need to rekindle your relationship with DIL in the most loving, positive way.

My advice also would be to defer contact with GC3, for the time being. It may seem unfair, but given the circumstances between your son and your DIL, this is not the time to be 'stirring the pot'. Things are too raw right now,....perhaps at some future time.

For the sake of your first two grandchildren (who love you and miss you), you need things to go back as they were before and for that to happen, you must first be on good terms with your DIL.

Things wont go back to the way they were before willa, how can they when out of spite the mother of the OP's GC has denied all contact despite knowing that her children love and miss her?

I don't agree that the first two GC should be prioritised because they have the most to lose. They are children for goodness sake, not pawns to be used in some game of power and control. That said if they are to be given priority in any way that priority should be given by their mother. She should prioritise the love they have for their GM and their desire to see her, above her own need for her petty revenge.

Thank goodness, Smileless, I was getting very lonely

icanhandthemback.

Unfortunately all these "shoulds" are what would happen in an ideal world - the world is not ideal, and neither is the behaviour of this family. No good wishing for all the shoulds to happen and watching the existing contact going down the pan!

It is about being realistic rather than idealistic and losing everything.

The children are already being used as pawns by the DIL and the poor OP has to try and do some damage limitation.

DIL has been hurt - we cannot expect her to behave calmly and rationally.

Well Luckygirl being hurt doesn't excuse using your own children to get back at a GM because she's been seeing her other GC.

I expect a parent to behave calmly and rationally when it comes to the emotional well being of their children. I did post earlier on this thread that the OP's son and his GF must have come to some understanding as they are still together.

If she can see her way to having a relationship with the man who fathered a child with another woman, surely she can accept this GM wanting to see all her GC. Or maybe the OP is a more convenient target than her partner.

ican and smileless, I disagree that things can't go back to the way they were.

None of us can predict how this will play out (sfgran update pending).

We can all debate about DIL's motivations (spite, revenge etc), until we all run out of air (or batteries)

Whether or not DIL deserves to be appeased is not the issue, and to second guess DIL's motives is speculative. None of this solves sfgran's dilemma.

Sfgran is asking us what she can do about seeing her grandchildren again.

The only given is that nothing will change as long as DIL and sfgran continue to be estranged. So, if sfgran doesn't take a chance and reach out to DIL, she may as well resign herself to not seeing her grandchildren for a very long time.

Why not work instead on the assumption that DIL's feelings have been hurt deeply too and that she made a mistake out of anger and frustration? Why not work on the assumption that DIL would also like nothing more than for things to go back the way they were?

At worst, opening up a (non confrontational) dialogue with DIL might yield arranged visits with the children, if nothing else.