*warning difficult topic* Re my Grandsons care

I think a lot of foster carers are concerned about what situations the kids are going back to ( but they don't have a say of course ) and are concerned that they are going back too early! At least I can feel good that I have been a good foster carer to my Grandson and hope everything works out in the future xx

My worry is all my hard work will be UNDONE x

Try not to worry too much. As long as the social services are satisfied that you are obeying all their rules (yes, obey seems to be the right word where social services is concerned) they will bring him back to you if he doesn't appear to be thriving with his mother. Just make sure to give them every impression you're working with them to get the boy back to his mother... From what I know of social workers (I was married to two of them) if they're going to bring him back to you they'd like to think it was their idea, not yours. I do apologise if I am offending or stereotying any open-minded social workers who might be reading this

Sheilasue Mon 24-Apr-17 13:29:17
That is so very very sad.

nannynoo Try to hang in there and make all the contacts you can to get those in charge of his care on your side. Don't give up!

Forgive me for asking... do you believe it was the rape that set your daughter off on this path of depression and alcoholism? I know in a recent post you mention your ex/her dad is currently dealing with alcoholism. But was picking up on the other things you said about her many medical problems.

Wish we had a 'hugs' emoticon!
~hugs~ ~hugs~ ~hugs~

I wish you well with your grandson and hope you can move heaven and earth to prevent your daughter having custody of him. A friend of mine had an alcoholic daughter who died aged 36 leaving a three year old surrounding her dead body with toys trying to wake mummy up. Nobody knows how long he was with the naked body on the bathroom floor. The girl refused all offers of help and was in truth a nasty girl before she became an alcoholic. Hee poor mother tried everything and tried to take her grandson out as the daughter didn't leave the flat. A neighbour reported her to Social Services , alarmed at noises coming from the flat. This situation still happened and my friend had to discover her dead daughter and her grandsons vigil. My friend is doing her best to bring up her grandson as the father is an alcoholic too. My friend is 68 and the little boy is very disturbed and now 7 years old. Please don't let this happen to you . It's all so heartbreaking.

Hi Lewlew , yes I feel her mental health problems have a LOT do do with the rape and unresolved feelings about it , she also does not deal very well with loss and after losing her favourite Uncle plus her Nan on her Dads side in the space of 8 days ( double funeral , two coffins , very difficult time ) that is when she and her Dad both hit the bottle HARD

She does not seem to want counselling though whereas me myself was BEGGING for it after losing my baby Granddaughter from my other daughter which happened 3 months after losing my 2 inlaws

Anyway I have informed the school about what has been going on AS MY GRANDSON WET HIMSELF AT SCHOOL BOTH TODAY AND YESTERDAY and that is not like him and definitely NEVER two days in a row! But it makes sense as I feel he is confused emotionally

InjeJones that is where I get confused if I do my bit and voice my concerns am I seen as opposing reunification it seems?

Yet hard for me NOT to voice my concerns as yes I have to follow the rues but my daughter doesn't and can get away with unsupervised contact when the rule is meant to be for it to be supervised!!

She also seems to think she can have whatever visitor she wants around my Grandson and the social worker did not show the amount of concern I expected about THAT either

The good news is they are having a meeting WITH THE MANAGERS and they are going to discuss the way forward next week and the social worker said within 3 weeks I will know of what the CONCRETE PLAN is ( which is about time )

I cannot help feel my daughter is running ahead of herself and with no control , she is calling the shots and saying what goes right now and me and my Grandson are just piggy in the middle

I have a feeling the least they will do is get the ball rolling with an SGO as part of the planning so that OPTION IS IN PLACE for me to become his guardian ''if necessary''

The social worker said that sadly many people with addictions fail and they have to be prepared for that and that she is not entirely convinced my daughter has completely stopped drinking and I have my niggling doubts too but as you said I have to be seen to support reunification and I genuinely WOULD if my daughter was not still using deception to get what she wants , not still lying and manipulating , not still making bad choices and not still NOT BEING HONEST abut her 'recovery'

I have to be honest though I feel BULLIED right now by my daughter and feel she is trying to bully EVERYONE JUST BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SHE HAS PR AND THE LEGAL POWER WHICH COMES WITH THAT!!

And in the process there is a confused little boy in the middle of it , wetting himself at school! xx

Iam64 thank you for your very clear advice and support

Thankfully they are having a management meeting next week with the reviewing officer there who is fuming this is drifting so much now

So hopefully I WILL BE TOLD BY THEM what the way forward is as recently all I seem to be hearing is WHAT I AM TOLD BY MY DAUGHTER ''IS HAPPENING'' and that , ''look! His new room proves it!''

Tokyojo3 I need these wake up calls tbh but am so sorry your friend and especially the little boy had to go through this

Alcoholism is a deceptive illness and I have to be SO on guard that I am not deceived especially as she is my daughter and she knows the whole family want her to get well again and for her son to be returned under the RIGHT circumstances but they can be very easily deceived too even more than me at times and she used their 'desire for her to be better and well' to tell EVERYONE what they 'want' to hear but I would rather deal with the cold hard reality which SUCKS and is pretty horrific actually as my daughter VERY nearly died because she ruptured her throat after drinking too much then vomiting and she almost bled to death

There are so many things they can die of , even vomiting in their sleep

My daughter is painting a ''pretty picture'' right now and has tried to do all along but because she is presenting as sober now she feels that's it , she has the upper hand now and everything is 'sorted' when it is FAR from RUDDY SORTED as she has NOT sorted herself out , she has just just found a way to stop drinking 'currently' or has found a way to present as sober when she sees me or the family but who knows what is really going on behind the scenes when no one is there?

It was a surprise to me who she had started associating with ( ie the ex con ex lol ) but what other 'unpleasant surprises' are lurking? Is she 100% clean of EVERYTHING? I doubt it

I just feel I am being conned right now and she is trying to con everyone including the family and of course social services which she has tried to do all along only now she THINKS SHE IS SUCCEEDING but after the phone call with the social worker today I don't think they 'don't know' what she is up to or what the risks are with her failing , no one WANTS her to fail but we need hard core evidence she is 'doing well' not 'just her word for it' surely? x

I think it looks like I will be plan B if she fails and we don't want her to but as this 'recovery' is smacking of being not 100% genuine and she is not seeking any help then sadly she has the odds stacked against her and can't 'con' her way into getting her son back and the recovery has to be REAL

( Well I am HOPING she can't con her way into getting her son back anyway! ) x

Nannynoo you can't beat social services, right or wrong. If they decide he's going back to his mother, then he's going back to his mother. Your objections will be seen as obstruction and will be a black mark against you. Your best hope of getting him back is to work with them, then be there when THEY realise they've got it all wrong. You could try to identify which professional (ie not a family member) is likely to be on your side, then if you have concerns, tell that person and let them do the arguing with the social services. That will keep your nose clean in their books.

I wanted to edit to add when I say professional I am thinking in terms of his school teachers or doctor etc. Someone you think feels the same way as you.

My Grandson wet himself again today so that is 3 times this week he was asking for his Mum so I have informed the social worker of both things as I want to do what is best for him xx

This is hard for me emotionally as even though I may be simply seen as his 'foster carer' right now he is my FLESH AND BLOOD so I am naturally more emotionally bonded with him than a regular foster carer would be because he is my Grandson

I can't change things though and if he goes back to his Mum with me still having concerns then I have to deal with that and accept it and LIVE with it somehow as social services do indeed have the final say and this does feel like my daughters 'last chance' to get him back without losing her parental responsibility

In a way it has always been what I wanted IF my daughter is well enough , but well enough or not IF it is what is going to happen and ESPECIALLY IF it is what my Grandson WANTS to happen then what can I do? lol

There is a level of parenting which is acceptable if the child is not coming to any GREAT HARM and if I was concerned about him being greatly harmed I would fight tooth and nail for adoption / guardianship but then the authorities would then probably have the same concerns as me whereas their main concern seems to be her drinking or not

There is a level of parenting which comes with maturity and a change in lifestyle and simply 'settling down' and my daughter is not settled as yet , she struggled with becoming a Mum and she struggled with the fact her son has Autism but if she is indeed committed to being his Mum now and take on the full responsibility ( with help ) and those are her motives for 'getting him back' then I hope she takes it SERIOUSLY ( and grows up! )

I am still finding it hard though x

Been up all night with little man who has a bad cough

I also suspect he has a urine infection as he has been waking in the night wanting to go to the toilet urgently which he never does plus 4 times now he has wet himself at school and here's me thinking it is emotional as it has never happened before but now I suspect it is physical X

Got a doctors appointment later and we are going to the chalet tomorrow so glad he will receive treatment today before we go!

It sounds really tough, NN!
I don't have much to add to all the good advice except to urge caution around SGO. Social Services are very keen to encourage this, as it takes a looked after child off their books, and costs a lot less. As I understand it, your payments stay the same for two years, then you'll be means tested. You'll lose PEP and any incidental payments, and you will no longer have a social worker or a foster care support social worker. Good luck!

Thanks hummingbird I have a feeling they will push for an SGO now after their meeting and expect me to comply because the case has gone on for so long BUT another reason I am a bit reluctant is it will put my daughter and I at loggerheads and it will become a constant fight whereas I would rather work together with her for a good outcome for little man

If she is deceiving everyone however and they do a hair strand test which comes back positive for heavy drugs or alcohol then I can't faff about believing her lies forever and that will change things and give me a reason to fight for little man

All I can do is what I feel is best for him in the end and yet also my daughter does have the ''when I get him back you will NOT be seeing him'' card to play but then I can't be blackmailed by that either

To be honest I wish they had done a hair strand test by now so we knew one way or another whether to even think of going for reunification or not as a lot would come to light then and we would have more to 'go on'

I also feel it is drifting because we have no facts to go on or concrete evidence my daughter has indeed stopped drinking as I feel if she passed 2 or 3 hair strand tests the courts themselves would even advise to look into reunification with support and monitoring and an SGO would only really be needed if she is lying I think??? x

I hate to say it but I feel they will try and go with the cheapest option

I have a very poorly sweet little boy in the house

He was sick a few times at school and his tummy is hurting

I am worried because ( this is common with Autism ) he has been digging his bottom and playing with his penis recently and ALL this started DIRECTLY after the day he was told he has his room at Mummys house by his Mum

I feel ANGRY because his Mum tells him things with NO concern about the impact it will possibly have on his mental health and emotional well being and he and I are left to deal with the fall out!!!

I remember your story from the past, Nannynoo. You and your grandson have done so well.
These recent habits sound like comfort things, could be because he's poorly, or linked to his contact with his Mum.
How old is he now? Is he reaching puberty? This is always a more problematic time for autistic children. Especially if you're not prepared for it.
Your social worker might have some advice?
I always wondered how carers like you coped when their children reached adolescence, fell in love etc. I heard of a few who actually married, but they needed support.
Bon courage - you need it

ps Do you have any contact with other parents of the school your grandson goes to? They are the people who are more likely to understand your situation, because they will have similar problems.
In my experience parent support groups are the best source of help, never mind the 'experts' and social workers.

Ah thank you Tricia , he is nearly 10 and yes is going through some changes bless him , it is good he is finding his own mind and becoming more assertive etc , it is just harder as he is more rigid about things now and less flexible lol but I am determined to get him through his puberty and teenage years etc as happily as possible for him

Yes his school has some great support groups etc but as I live 12 miles away I find it difficult on public transport to get there and join in and am usually too tired to attend any local ones to me as my regular respite is not in place yet

It is definitely a comfort thing to help with his anxiety but I get annoyed about what / who is causing his anxiety tbh as my daughter thinks entirely about herself unfortunately and does not consider little mans feelings and the impact what she says and does does to him

Anyway we have actually had a nice evening , he is sleeping in my bed tonight as he does when he is poorly etc , we cuddled up together and he had his chicken noodle soup on a tray while watching Tiny Pop together and I couldn't help kissing his forehead throughout which thankfully he likes me doing lol he is so sweet and such a LOVELY boy and I tell him that all the time because it is TRUE

I just hate the thought of anyone damaging him whoever it is but all I can do is my best to keep him safe and happy and get him through his milestones etc and tbh I love every minute of it majority of the time xx

P.S I have emailed the school about this new behaviour so we can work together and I can get some support from them too x

Ah nannynoo I know exactly what you mean, our DGS is much the same as yours, just as exacting, difficult and loveable in turns!It makes us very protective doesn't it? All that anxiety as well.Everything must be the same, and so many things not understood.
I can't see, with the best will in the world, how your DD would be able to cope.
Tim Farron of the Lib Dems needs his head examining wanting to legalise cannabis!