I don't love my grandchild

I bonded with my GCs at different stages. When i look at the photos from the time when they were babies I can see a photo and know it was a THEN. That was when I fell in love with her/him. Love grows and I noticed only the other day that DD2 is beginning to really like (love perhaps) the son of her sister. Now he is 14 he is suddenly so warm hearted and pleasant.
I expected to love them on seeing them after they were born but I needed time and then there is the question of having a favourite. Has anyone on GN approached this loaded subject?

I may be getting this wrong Nannymarge53 but like some of the others do think that after having only sons this is because you have a GD not a GS. Your comment was that you found it hard to love your GD when she was first born so this could not have been because of her behaviour. I have 2 lovely daughters who have given us such pleasure and of whom we are very proud. When they were growing up I was often made to feel inferior by other mothers who had only sons. This made me very angry for as women surely we should be trying achieve equality. However it did make me appreciate my girls even more. I feel that little girls behave as they do as they have a lot of pressure on them to compete with boys who still seem to be the favourites in most families and this usually continues when they become adults. From the comments on this forum most of you feel that little girls are more difficult than little boys but could this be because of how we react to them? Girls deserve to be loved as much as boys but it seems harder for them to get this love which must have an effect on their behaviour.

Oh yes bonji I had that too-oh well you've only got girls! Grrrr! My MIL had two boys and 4 girls-she said she could have reared 6 boys with one arm tied behind her back but the girls were v demanding. She said you just fed the boys and off they went to play and turn up for the next meal but the girls were a different kettle of fish-I have to say her 4 daughters-my sisters-in-law-were/are pains in the bum.
We only keep contact with the brother (in Oz) and one sister here, the others are just such troublemakers. So, as others have said elsewhere, if you wouldn't choose them as friends leave them be.
But I love all my DGC from the minute I clapped eyes on them. I had the privilege to be present at the births of two of them.
The older (local) four said they thought the youngest DGD miles away is my favourite! I jumped on that straightaway! I said it took more effort to keep in touch with her from a distance-isn't Facebook wonderful-so when we go to see her, as often as we can, she knows us instantly.
Also we had the opposite to others in that we were used to girls, I had only one sister, DH 4, we had two DDs then first 2DGDs and the -oh bliss oh joy-our only DGS! He is such fun and SO different, we have such pleasure with them all in their different ways and make sure they all know we love them all.

My daughter lives at home still with her nearly six son. He has adhd. Her exes mother sees grandson once a week and when he returns his behaviour is bad. He back chats, makes constant comments like he has far more adventures with her. She has zero respect for my daughter, won't stick to grandsons routines and does stuff like promising him she will take him on holiday before asking my daughter. Last time my daughter said no and even when they got back they showed him what he'd missed on the Internet. Cruel. If my daughter says he's busy one weekend they threaten Court. It is so hard getting grandson on an even keel when everything gets messed up by these visits. Grandsons dad took job away two years ago and reappears irregularly. Any ideas ladies please?

How do you get on with him when he visits you Summermary ?

Faye, what a terrible experience! (((Hugs))) Just hope your parents treated all of you equally and that you were ok.

Sweetcakes, how awful that MIL favors her GS. People may not be able to help having a favorite in their heart, but they can help how the act!

Louie, do you know why DD wants you to take both kids together? Is is so she can get a break? Or cuz one gets jealous when the other gets to go? Maybe you can take them both for just a few hours, now and then (besides for swimming)? When there's an overnight, DD may just have to make other arrangements for the child who's not going.

I agree with Blucat that she should be able to understand your problem. It may scare her, but she needs to face reality. Be gentle but be clear.

I felt very comforted to read all the messages triggered off by Nannymarg's comment. I am a first-time grandmother, and I do absolutely love my granddaughter, who is just 6 months old, but she does not seem to like me! Whenever I have her she cries all the time, and is very difficult to pacify - she stops as soon as her mum appears. I know I am probably not the only person she would behave like this with, but it has quite upset me, as none of my friends seem to have had the same problems - unless they are keeping quiet about it! I had four children and know that I was a good mother, so I am quite shocked by it all. But it has been good to find that I am not the only one.

Nannymarg my GD1 was the most horrible, difficult, stubborn child I had ever met. She is now 6 rising 7 and you couldn't wish for a sunnier, more loving, adorable child.

Say nowt, and hope she changes for the better....most do.

I always think that we expect too much of little ones - there behaviour can be a pain, but they are hardly born really when you think about it - so much to learn, so many social niceties to absorb - I think we need to cut them a bit of slack!

I love all my GC but I quite often don't like 'em! All this negotiating that goes on now, it only makes them worse IMHO. Whatever happened to the 'firm boundaries' we were always told we must set for our kids? I see some very flexible boundaries........

Elizabeth babies of 6 months don't like or dislike people. They haven't yet developed that discernment. But your GD's behaviour is probably separation anxiety which is common in children between 6 and 18 months. My GD2 was very shy at that age and found different faces too overwhelming. She still is quite a shy little thing but at 5 is much more outgoing. Preschool and school have helped her come out of her shell and she is a lovely child now!

Thank you JudthePud - I sort of know that but it is difficult to believe when she is with me. But comforting to hear what you say.

When my GD was born, I visited her in hospital with her other gran and grampa. They were very emotional and obviously fell in love with her at first sight. I just found myself staring at her in confusion, wondering what this tiny pink thing was all about. We all react differently.
As for your GD's behaviour, I wouldn't worry about it. If you get the chance to have her on your own for sleepovers or whatever, you will probably see a different child. My GD is 3 now and she is good as gold when she is with me, but rather naughty when Mum or Dad arrive. She just has a different relationship with them, but they must be doing something right because she knows perfectly well how to be nice when she is with others.
I do love her very much now, but I didn't get that rush of love at first. Keep your thoughts to yourself as things will change for you and your GD as she grows.

I have 2gs and2gds I don't think girls are more challenging at all I love them all equally sometimes I don't like them . I do find though there behaviour is better when mand dad ain't there . I had son and daughter and did find son more challenging at times !!

I think my daughter and son-in-law have spoilt their only child, a boy, and his behaviour is getting worse and worse. Bedtimes are a nightmare of screaming and frustration for hours and one of them has to stay with him until he falls asleep - he is now 7!! At some point in the night he climbs into their bed and then one of them goes into his bed for the rest of the night. I love my grandson dearly but think this is absolute nonsense but neither of them shows a will to really address the problem. Should I say something? I am concerned they are building up even more problems for the future.

I wouldn't say anything directly criticising the way they are bringing him up. Try talking sympathetically about how very tiring it must be having such disturbed nights and try and get into a conversation about things that might help.

GS1 is fine about going to bed, but went on getting into his parents' bed for a long time. His three year old brother is still often swapping places with a parent.

chalkhills I was terrified of being alone in my bedroom when a child. Maybe your grandson has some worries or problems that make him not want to be on his own.

Elizabeth52 if you look back in gransnet you will hear many others saying the same thing as you. My DGD couldn't stand the sight of me and would scream blue murder if left in the same room as me. By 18 months things were better. By 2 we got on ok by 3 I was the person she wanted to sit with and play with all the time. Patience is all you need. It may be tough as we all want to cuddle our grandchildren but sometimes you have to wait for them to come to you. Don't take it personally.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It sounds to me as if the issue here is that you dislike your DIL more.

You disagree with your DIL's style of bringing up the child, but that's not your business, it's for your son and his wife to work out.

All the qualifications and experience you've got count for nothing in this situation.

The love I feel for my grandchildren is totally different to my children. I do love my children more I think, but that’s because they are just me and my husband. There’s more in the mix with grandchildren. Also....hate to say it, but I am closer to my daughters children than my sons. I love them all the same, but have always felt conscious of not imposing on my DIL’s decisions. My daughters are different. I even carried my granddaughters eggs from my daughters! Both my DIL’s are lovely, but it’s still different. Your DIL sounds.....challenging, and with your geographical distance, I’m not surprised you feel like this. Methods of discipline these days are certainly not what they were. Everything is about being ‘child led’. It’s no wonder our society is so dysfunctional for so many people.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The original post is four years old! Hopefully all is ok now the GD will be 7 years old.

Why do you think you should have had a rush of "unconditional love" when she was born, replicating the feelings you had for your own children?

Thanks Grannymarg for starting this conversation. Just spent a wakeful night, chewing my nails, worrying about my grandson’s tantrums and how my daughter was handling this awful behaviour. After reading all the comments and advice, I could finally sleep. My husband and I do not agree with her approach to discipline but know how hard it is to keep quiet and the repercussions of offering advice. Do we ever!
Thanks again.

Hi ... I am feeling you here....
I have just had My 3 grandees here with their parents over the weekend...
I hate to say this but I’m relieved to see them go...
The second girl .. I’m so sorry to say .. grates on my nerves... bratty and manipulative ... she plays her parents. Whinging and wining even though she MAY have a toy in each hand or more food in each hand
Tantrum if if her older sister has got something regardless of it being the same... screeching until her mother(my daughter) asks the older daughter to just give it to her...
I could go on and on... she ixx Sc 5 but has always been the same
She is very sneaky and will look at you very knowingly..
it’s absolutely behavioural...
I am quite astounded by my Daughter not being able to see this..
in my own home it is sooo difficult... I have to take myself away as I don’t want to say something and damage my relationship with D and Gkids..
If I am totally honest... I don’t enjoy them at all
I feel they are totally over indulged.. because the more they get... the more they want after they have lost .. shattered and broken the thoughtful gifts which they have been given
I don’t want to feel like this ... but I get sick in the stomach when they are coming to visit .. I am uptight and saddened