I don't love my grandchild

When I was expecting my second child I constantly worried as to whether I'd love it as much as my first. Of course I did. I had the same concern when my second granddaughter was on her way. Of course I did. Maybe after three little boys you are finding a girl more challenging . Girls are more complex. Boys just seem to eat, sleep, tear around the place and make a lot of noise. Girls , and I mean this nicely, are more devious and crafty. They are also incredibly thoughtful and more empathetic then boys. My two DGDs are just lovely sweet little women. Give her a chance otherwise you'll miss a wonderful opportunity.

My Mil treats her two grandchildren total different her granddaughter my daughter is thought as lower in the pecking line she can do no right as far as she's concerned yet she was never a naughty child ( I wouldn't tolerate it ) and when her grandson came along 5 years later my nephew he was wonderful and couldn't do no wrong consequently now they have grown up my daughter rarely visits her grandmother, and she feels bitter that she was not loved as much as said dgs.
I on the other hand love all my grandchildren the same and would never make them feel bad about themselves. It's not now it's when they grow up and remember

I'm wondering if the OP's failure to instantly love / bond with her new-born granddaughter has something to do with the fact that she herself had only had boys. That's the only reason I can think of to explain why I didn't experience the same emotions when my DGD was born as I did when her older brother had been born, something which came as a shock to me because I fully expected to feel exactly the same.
Over time, I've thought about it a lot and can only think that it was because DGS had looked exactly how I had imagined he would - just like my two sons when they were born - so it was as if I already knew him. DGD, on the other hand, couldn't have looked more different from what I was expecting and on first seeing her, what I actually saw was a stranger. Also, I think that the fact that I hadn't had a girl myself added to the feeling that I was meeting a stranger.

Fortunately, unlike the OP, three years on I love my DGD every bit as much as DGS (even when she's at her most trying), now that I "know" her in her own right.

I have to disagree MamaCaz, only having had boys, I was thrilled when my first grandchild was a girl, I remember thinking "aah the girl I never had" although I have had to tune it feminine wiles at times, not as straightforward and more contrary than boys.

tune "into" not it

"Aah he girl I never had" is what I was expecting to feel too, TerriBull, but it just didn't happen for whatever reason!

Whatever you think you lack in feelings I am pretty sure you've her a kidney in a heart beat.........love isn't all emotions it is also duty and care and nurture.

I do think there might be something in the boy/girl thing, little girls can be sooooo different, one of our Dgds is very dramatic and good with words we watch some of the carry ons with amazement but boy do I love her - she reminds me of me!!! Not now I hasten to add. The boys look on in horror. Definitely best decision to keep quiet it all passes.

Nannymarg its ok. You are not alone in your feelings. At the end of the day all children are highly individual eliciting different responses from parents and extended family alike. Your relationship will change over the years as the child's needs change.

I would also echo some of the advice already given about keeping quiet and biting your lip. This is hard as we both know (I also was an RHV for many years)

Every generation has different ideas on how to raise their children. You have had the opportunity to raise your kids, now it's their turn. You won't and don't have to like what they are doing but if you want them in you life, you have to go along with it. It can be difficult to instill discipline without breaking GD's spirit, some kids are more willful than others and this may stand her in good stead when she is older and finding her way in the world. I find that just being supportive and keeping my mouth shut aids the process. Try to enjoy the good times with your GD and let her parents deal with the bad.

I used to think the same about my older grandsons, now 15 and 10, but put that down to not seeing them very often. They both had problems, or so I thought, and then realised that it was probably their parents who had created the problems. They have just returned home after a short stay with me and they were both lovely (apart from messing up my laptop - which the older one was able to fix!) and we had a great time together. They live in the country and their idea of a great day out was to travel on buses - we managed a double decker (top front seat), a single decker and two bendy buses. They want to know when they can come again.
I can remember another GD having terrible tantrums when she was younger, usually in front of CCTV cameras with me forcibly trying to get her back in to her buggy. Fun times but she is an absolute delight now, aged 7. Love her to bits.
They usually do improve as they get older, so take heart!

I do sympathise. I adore my all GC but I do find the girls very difficult. I had boys.
The boys are great- I know how to deal with boys but the 2 girls are different creatures altogether. They seem to want 100% of your attention 100% of the time & rarely manage to amuse themselves or get 'lost' in a game as the boys do.I have to say that the elder one WAS very difficult from 6 months on. I've never seen tantrums like it! It wasn't helped by DIL allowing all the bad behaviour but then one day she admitted to me that she found it really difficult too & was at the end of her tether. I thought it was only me. She was fine at school.Now she is 9 & is much better ( the lull before the storm of teenage years I expect) but the little one ( my other son's child)is getting just the same so I assume it is a 'girl' thing. She was lovely until she hit 3.
I do really love them but I find it hard to like them sometimes. Luckily they know Grandma is not for turning & bad behaviour gets them nowhere. They still try it on though. Still I expect I will miss it all when they hit the teenage years & don't want or need to come & stay with Grandma any more so I guess we just have to get through it. Keep calm & hit the gin when they have gone to bed!!

I think that part of the problem is that we expected to love our Grandchildren unconditionally as we did our children. The unconditional love of our children starts at birth when we are totally hormone driven.

With Grandchildren we don't have that hormonal surge.

I have a Gransdon who is being brought up in a way that is totally alien to me. His home life is dictated by his father who has allowed him access to completely inappropriate materials (violent videos, games etc) and who seems to believe that a constant stream of the latest gadgets is the way to impress. As this is totally alien to my philosophy I find it difficult to relate to the child.

My other two Grandchildren are being brought up in a financially much poorer household, but they are the richer for it.

I think the point about not liking the behaviour is a very valid one. I think we would all agree there were times we didn't like our own kids very much

Hi. Can anyone help. I have two grandkids one 6 and one 3. I formed a bond with the eldest but had cancer when the youngest was born so didn't see her very much. I am only just getting to know her. I'm still not great with health but love having them on their own as I have a different relationship with both. The dilemma is my daughter wants me to have them both together and I like seeing them singly as its tiring with both especially overnight. I do take them swimming together. How do I get my daughter to understand this?

I can understand your feelings Grannymarg. In my case it wasn't a question of their behaviour. When my first 2 grandsons were born to my daughter I thought I loved them, but never as much as my own children. Over the years I felt I was holding back a bit because they don't live in this country and I didn't want to get too emotional. I did see them as soon as they were born and manage to visit a couple of times a year. They are lovely boys and I like them a lot, maybe it is love in a way. As soon as my third grandson was born to my son and DiL I had an absolute rush of love for him and can't get enough of him! I don't think it's because he is my son's because I was always closer to my daughter. It does make me feel guilty, but I have realised we can't legislate for our feelings. Maybe if the latest grandson becomes a terror I will go off him!

Louieandlottie, it shouldn't be hard for your DD to understand that your difficulty with caring for 2 young children is health- related. If she really doesn't get it, maybe you need to sit down with her and spell it out. Sometimes we don't want to face the fact that our parents aren't as strong as they used to be, because it scares us. Maybe that is why your DD wants to ignore the fact that, at the moment, you've only got the energy to cope with one GC at a time.

Nannymarg, if you've felt that you didn't love her since she was born, then presumably it isn't just a case of not liking her current behaviour. I don't honestly know what you can do about that - you can't force yourself to love someone - it is just very sad for both of you. I haven't experienced this myself but one of my SiLs was aware, when very small, that his maternal grandmother loved his brother but not him. It hurt him deeply when he was little but he just shrugs his shoulders about it now. Unfortunately, he never did develop a deep bond with his gran, who died when he was in his teens. Maybe if she had been more honest with herself about her feelings, as you are, things could have been different.

As for the little girl's behaviour, most children seem to go through phases when they are a pain in the neck. My smallest DGD, who is 4, is going through a tantrum phase at the moment! It won't last forever. If I was you, I'd refrain from saying anything to her mum and dad (never seems to make things better!), hang on for the behaviour to change and focus on what you like about your DGD, rather than what you don't. Easier said than done, I know.

tina21 - I truly felt that hormonal surge when each GC was born- very strong.

I'm sure I got hormonal when the first GS was born! So tearful! Feelings in turmoil!

I agree about the hormonal surge after birth - very powerful indeed. However, I don't think it's really responsible for the deep love you can feel for a child. If it was, dads would have difficulty loving their kids, to say nothing of grandparents, adoptive parents, etc. It's not hard to understand why mums fall in love with their babies but a bit more complicated when it comes to men and their children, and even more difficult where other generations are concerned.

2 of my GC live close by and the 3rd miles away so I dont get to see him much. He is 3 and very hard to manage. I adore him regardless and blame the parents. After all he only behaves the way he is taught. 3 days with me and he is much calmer , perhaps a coincidence! P.S I love his parents too but they are old enough to take care of themselves.

Oh I so feel for you. In situations like this our normal instinct is to back away. But, in actual fact, the opposite is needed. Maybe you can have you GD to stay for a while? You may be able to get to know her more, and maybe through play she can tell you how she's feeling and what she is thinking. Maybe there's stuff going on at home that you are unaware of. Maybe have her over (just you and her) for regular periods. All relationships take work, it doesn't happy naturally.

MY DH always moans that the GC show how much they love me and are not too fussed on him. But I've told him time and time again, it's about effort as you'll only get out what you put in. It takes work (and sometimes you really don't feel like it) but it's so worth it in the end.

Give her and yourself a chance and stop being hard on yourself. You are human, you are allowed your feelings. Sending you a hug xxx

A 3 year old will have only just left behind the terrible twos so she will improve. I adore my DGC but have to admit at times they drive me bonkers. Fortunately 4 of them live nearby so we can see them in short bursts-it's lovely to see them and even lovelier to see them go!
And you have to remember that in a few years time you virtually have to make appointments to see them once they're teenagers/students and, quite properly, more independent.
We decided to make a point of having the teenagers round (separately) for a meal once a week at their convenience. They then began asking what we were cooking! Lol! Anything you want was the reply-just come!

Good post Newquay they won't be begging to come and see us when they are 14.We have to enjoy them here and now, but have limits because of our own health.
There is no law that says we have to love anybody ( though it helps to love DH at the time of the wedding )
We love our GDC but not as much as we did our own children.

I definitely had hormonal surges when my grandchildren were born, much more so than when my own children were. . I was not expecting to feel anywhere near as emotional as I did.
I have been looking after 2 of them during half term (term time I only have one) They have at times both been horrendously behaved and have had me near to tears more than once, pretty much every day. Let me tell you, I have not liked them much at all.
Now they have left for the day, overwhelming love has been resumed!

As the youngest in my extended family I had never had anything to do with babies until my 1st DD arrived. I felt no rush of unconditional love when she was born (hormones or not), in fact I was absolutely terrified of her. Breast feeding was a painful nightmare, she would not take a bottle either and she hardly slept, day or night, crying endlessly. After a month or so I discovered that a bath would always calm her and that she was very happy to chew on fruit, veg and Bikkypegs. She was the cleanest, earliest weaned baby ever, who chuckled and smiled. I fell in love with her hook, line and sinker.

I think I loved DD2 before she was born, talking, singing to and stroking the bump. When she arrived it was as if I had known her forever and it has been much the same with my 2 DGDs. Must admit my GrandSON came as a bit of a shock and took a bit of getting used to (no one warned me that boys will pee in your face the minute you take their nappy off) but he is the most cuddly and loving of the 3.

I reckon that 'love grows' and expands to fit in as many DC or DGC as you have.