divorce

I am in tears reading this beautiful, supportive and loving thread for Kate13. It is resonating so deeply with me, as I am going through exactly what Kate13 was experiencing, even down to being weepy, thinking of her son living on his own.
I am reading all the advice given to Kate13 and finding it so helpful. Thank you x
Kate13, I have sent you private message. I would love to know how you are now?

Kate I'm so pleased everything went smoothly for all concerned, especially your DGS who will accept things a lot easier as long as he sees that Mummy and Daddy, grandparents, are friends.

Hopefully you have some peace of mind now.

I,ve been thinking about you. Glad it went well.

Thank you so much for your kind words and good advice. We did get through the two days without any animosity and, amazingly, everyone acted maturely.No sign of anything wrong.It was very strange. My DGS had a wonderful time with his mum and dad and two sets of grandparents plus his uncle.My imminent ex DiL suggested a walk together this morning and we had coffee in town, which was lovely and her parents invited me and DH over in the afternoon. I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to you all because it wouldn't have turned out like this but for all your support and good advice. I'd have screwed it all up if I hadn't found you all. I'm so grateful -these are for all of you

Kate I feel for you and understand how you must be feeling this is the 2nd Christmas my DD has been on her own and we are just really coming out the other end,keep if you can any thoughts to yourself & enjoy the company of your DGS as I'm sure you will know little one's certainly "tune in" to any bad feelings.
Enjoy the day as best you can and I hope things get better for you soon.

This is still very raw for you Kate emotions will be through the roof just now because of the time of year and the fairly recent separation.

Grit your teeth, don't be drawn into anything and just be there for your grandchildren.

I think you just have to be there for your grandchild to give some stability to the proceedings. Hopefully everyone will behave themselves for the child,s sake. The fallout from a divorce is very far reaching but you really have no choice but to support and be a rock for your grandson. There is no point in taking sides or trying to give advice. It is very unfair on you but that will not change the facts. Be strong and calm - I wish you a peaceful day.

Help! Anyone out there tonight? What can I do?
Tomorrow we've been invited to my DS' s to share Christmas with our DGS , the estranged DiL, her parents and her brother. Tonight DS and DiL have had one hellova barney. They had been out with friends and she had drunk a lot of bubbly all afternoon. When it came to the bill my DS said she should pay for her own drinks. DS says he doesn't intend to spend his money on an estranged wife.
So..help please. DS has said we're to come and spend Christmas with DGS. That's great but how on earth are we supposed to get through the day with the others? We had intended to stay overnight. DiL still staying at the house.
I've just wrapped the presents with a heavy heart. I just want to shout,rant and cry.

Well I guess if everyone's moved on except us grans I suppose we'll have done our job. What I find hard is that you can't text or say "hi, , how are you? " anymore as all of a sudden it means something else, as if you are prying. Would you say annsixty that you are happy 13 years on? What about your DGCs? I feel sick when I think of my little DGS growing up without a mum and dad in the family home and no siblings for support.
Thanks for listening

Should have an" easier" in there somewhere!!

Kate you will never have it all under control so don't try too hard. You are in the very early days and it will get .After 13 years I still have moments of "if only". I sometimes think everyone has moved on but me.

Well what a day! Had lunch with my DGS, DS, my nearly ex DiL, and her parents. The first time we have all been together since August when thy told us they were splitting up. It was the Christmas play at DGS's nursery in the afternoon. I can't describe how I felt today.It certainly wasn't elation. Baffled at the whole bizarre sham.Everyone on best behaviour, everyone hurting ( though not the two grandads who had a really great day to themselves.) DGS loved having everyone there . For me, it just stirred up the deep sadness of the situation and I just want to cry.Thought I'd got it under control .

You're very kind Iam64.I shall follow your advice. You're keeping me on the right track
and that's really important just now. These are for you . Thank you.

From your earlier comments Kate13, it sounds as though your Dil's current behaviour is out of character. Shouting at her boss with the result he recommended she take compassionate leave also suggests her behaviour at work is not usually one where she loses control. Her GP is probably best placed to diagnose, hence the prescription. She sounds emotionally exhausted rather than someone who has lost 'any sense of responsibility for your DGS any more'. I suspect the best advice here is for you to keep calm, and carry on supporting the children as best you can.

My dilemma is that I know my soon-to-be ex DiL isn't the happy girl she pretends to be. .Everything was "fine", life was "fine", her dad's prostate cancer was "fine". But my DD spoke to her last week and apparently my DiL had gone up to her boss and shouted that she hated her job snd she wasn't going to do any more work. Hrr boss has told her to take some compassionste leave. She also told my DD that Christmas this year was going to be and that she'd just have to struggle through it. She also talked about "going on holiday/away by herself for two weeks. Does she not have any sense of responsibility for our DGS any more? I can't get my head to understand it all. Do I try to help her or just sit back?

Kate13 - anti depressants are unlikely to make her feel everything is hunkey dorey. GP's are (generally) careful about prescribing anti depressants, or other similar drugs. The expectation is that the patient completes a depression scale test, with the GP as well as talking through the symptoms. Medics will often say they won't take your troubles away, but will help you keep your head above water. The newer antidepressants have less side effects than the old ones. It takes about 6 weeks for the medication to begin to relieve the symptoms of depression/anxiety. Some people are prescribed for a 6 month period, others for longer.

Anyone got sny experience of DiLs on anti depressants? Just learned my DiL has been on them since they decided to split up. Could this be why she thinks everything is hunkey dorey?

I've been trying to reply all morning but I can't get the reply to go.Trying again....
Thank you. ..., your comments about my DiL have made me think that she probably didn't want all this to happen but it has. My DS and DiL want different things out of life. She wants freedom and excitement, parties and clubbing. He wants a family and be with someone he can trust.They just have different values since my DGS was born. Must try to see her point of view. These are for you all.[flowers ]

It sounds as if your DIL is a nice lady greeting you with a hug - doing that is best all round for everyone. She and your son did not manage to make a go of it, but your family can continue, albeit somewhat different.

There will be sensitivities and you will be trading on eggshells quite a bit, but do put your energies into that. Don't feel sad or angry - your son is a grown man and will make a new future, and will be all the stronger for knowing that has has you behind him all the way - he needs you to have a positive take on the future, doing all that is needed to create continuity for your DGS.

There have been several marriage break-ups in our wider family and, after the initial shock things have settled down and life goes on just fine.

Maybe it's just a relief all round for them Kate13, and they are feeling happier and more relaxed with everyone as a result?
How nice that she is still so friendly towards you (although probably a little un-nerving?).
It sounds like they have parted on friendly terms, whoever instigated it, and for that you should be very thankful.

My DSs have no relationship with their father (at his behest) and the DGC have no clue about their missing Grandad....and not for the want of trying by all concerned on this side, including his parents.....sadly our split was due to another, totally evil, woman, who has forced him to forsake his entire family for her, parents, sibling, children, grandchildren...the lot!

I hope, as time goes on, that you can reconcile yourself to what has happened, and that it continues to be a friendly atmosphere all round for you all.

Good luck and love to you, your son and your grandson...hang in there, it will be ok!

Thank you specki4eyes. It's comforting to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Something I can't get my head round is that my DiL is behaving as if all's hunky dory. We met by accident on Wednesday and she gave me a hug and chatted as if nothing had happened.

Kate* - thinking of you..I've just come out the other end from my son's horrible divorce. His ex was so evil - all she wanted was for him to go quietly, taking nothing with him. He/we had to fight for every last sous. Now she's trying to alienate the children and it was he who brought them up whilst she pursued her career.

But at least he's out of there now,just about to move into his own little house and he has a date this very night - first time he's gone out with another woman and its been set up by friends who love and know him very well. Fingers crossed - I just want him to have some happiness.

There's nothing I can say that will make it easy for you - just hang in there for him and advise him wisely. My son said, I always knew that when I felt utterly alone, you were gunning for me Mum.

Bold type doesn't matter kate but very nice to hear from you. soops kitchen extension is a good place to go. That was very comforting nannypc and excellent advice ga

kATE 13 my SIL walked out on my daughter when the children were 2 and 8mths, I tried not to take sides but encouraged my daughter to make sure the children had regular contact with SIL and his parents.At family events 18th and 21st birthday's we all manage to be civil The children have grown into remarkable young adults. I like you could not see a happy future and spent many sleepless nights. He was a terrible husband but a good father.