Being a long distance granny

And I do know what it's like having a very critical and a very demanding mother.

Yes, it does make sense, wisewoman, and I did feel empathy for the daughter whose mother was complaining about her "bad behaviour". I don't know what the bad behaviour was and I'm very sorry hopeful was unhappy about it, but all I had to judge from was a number of complaints about the daughter and what appeared to me, from the words on the page, to be a lack of empathy from the mother.

Here are the things that influenced what I thought and what I wrote:

"she did behave rather badly"

"its like she has built this barrier around her and the only person who can make her smile is her husband"

" I know in that first week we were there if I could have got a flight home I would have gone"

"my daughters attitude made it very uncomfortable"

I'll say again, I'm sorry hopeful's visit caused her unhappiness, but the main message I got (possibly wrongly, but the post did suggest this to me) was that hopeful's comments were very critical of her daughter without really explaining why, and then complaining some more when she got home even though she had photographs of her own.

I guess what appeared to me to be the negativity of the post just got to me
because I cannot imagine that sort of scenario with my own daughter.

We don't always understand why people feel as they do but that doesn't make their feelings less real. We are all different and feel differently about things but can empathise with the fact that they feel bad - if that makes sense.

Ah well, I know GNHQ is aware of the distinction and think it quite important, as do I.

No, read it all again and I can't see the distinction.

To get back to the story, it occurred to me yesterday that when I visit DD and my GSs, I'm the one taking photographs and putting them on FB and making them show up on DD's timeline as well. That's perhaps also why I'm puzzled by the initial complaint. So long as someone is taking photos...

And as others have said, if you want pics of yourself with the GKs, you hand someone your camera and ask them to take a pic for you.

I'm sorry hopeful has been feeling upset after her visit to her daughter, but I don't understand why she is upset from the story as told. I wonder if it was just post-visit lowness that I think many of us feel after loved ones go away again, or we go back home?

And, yes, I know some people may not see the distinction that I see, but some will, because it is real.

Actually, aka, I very carefully said that hopeful's comments suggested a lack of empathy to me. And that is what I meant, not that she lacked empathy, in response to her remark that my comments seemed, to her, to be harsh.

This is quite different from what appears to be your interpretation.

Defend away Gaga I did say 'they perhaps don't mean to be hurtful' didn't I? Though it's difficult to see anything kind or compassionate in the comment suggesting Hopeful was 'lacking in empathy'. I have personally found 'some people' far too liable to label people they do not know.

I don't 'do' Facebook but am constantly amazed at how much trouble it causes with friends and families. However, on the subject of photos we've always made a point of having photos around the house of people that are no longer with us, because I realised that, as I grew up people I'd never met [some of them I'd met when very young so didn't remember] became part of my like because I'd grown up with an image of their face.

Good post Aka but I must defend Bags who I have always found to be a kind and compassionate poster. I'm sure she didn't intend to hurt you hopefulnanny and will be very concerned to think that she has done. You are so clearly not a "rubbish mum" and, like the rest of us,just find it hard to do the dancing on eggshells which we Grans seem to have to do periodically!

Aka I agree 100% with you. Brilliant post

Good for you hopefulnanny

hopeful

Thanks AKA . Gransnet has always been a great support to me in the past and I have never encountered this kind of thing before . To be honest I was not going to post again as I came on here for advice not to be made to feel like a rubbish mum. But your understanding and kind words and that of the majority of people on here have made me realise that I shouldn't allow one persons comments to overshadow my experience .
Thanks again

Hopeful sadly some people pick away at words or one idea and cannot get beyond that to the real issue. Others just talk about 'me, me, me' all the time.

It's just their nature and they perhaps don't mean to be hurtful or egocentric.

The majority of people on GN however do actually listen and emphasise and give good advice using their own experience to draw on. Others just offer a kind word, which helps too.

I think the photo thing has becomes a bit more of an issue than I even thought it would be. I know the context in which it was meant and it definitely isn't the way that Thatsbag has interpreted it making it seem that I have no empathy or understanding for my daughter. . But I know this not to be true so I don't want or feel I need to be justify this to her. I did take lots of photos and video which I will be sending copies to the family. This was a trip planned for many months due to my sons disability and the logistics of getting him there . And we won't be doing it again for many years if ever.
But I do appreciate all of the views and comments and know that there are lots of us long distant nannies who are struggling to deal with having family so far away . We all deal with it in different ways but hopefully always with empathy for each other.
Thanks again

I understand, storynanny. It's hard, feeling that you need to watch how you are in case it doesn't go down well. I hope things improve for you. Having had a vengeful ex-DiL who would for over a year deprive me of contact with grandson unless I jumped through hoops, I remember that feeling. Fortunately, that's now in the past, but anything that gets in the way of that precious relationship with grandchildren, becomes something to be avoided at all costs.

When, by beyond reproach I meant that I am refraining from saying or doing anything which could possibly be misinterpreted as interfering or critical re the upbringing of their children. Im nowhere near perfection!

I know I am fortunate to have my family of 2 DDs , their partners & children living within a few minutes of my home. It was a deliberate move so that we could offer support for childcare so my DDs can work.

I would be devastated if either chose to move overseas but would try hard to put on a brave face as I know they would have thought long and hard about it but until I have experienced that I cannot know what it feels like.

Re the issue of photos etc... I am not sure why grandparents cannot take their own or have the camera/smart phone and say to DS or DD 'Would you mind taking a picture' I am sure they would not refuse!

Tbh because I see the DGC 2-3 times a week at birthdays and special occasions I rarely feature in pics because other grandparents, who see the kids less often, are more keen to have their picture taken.

I hope you are right, Stansgran, but I fear she will see it as my having abandoned her.

I don't think anything is certain. My brother was totally out of contact with my mother uNtil just before she died a and then disappeared off the radar again for I think nearly 20 years. You may be very surprised when you leave Europe Greatnan that your daughter may be jolted into realizing what she's lost.

Until you have suffered the grief of having a daughter cut you out of her life, you cannot really know how lucky you are to have a child who loves you, wherever she is in the world. However, I do understand the wrench when you have to leave part of your family on the other side of the world. My daughter and her husband are adamant that I should emigrate before I become frail, so I can enjoy (with them) the wonderful outdoor life in NZ but it will mean leaving my other daughter and I will probably never see her again.

My Dd1 is constantly not on FB but on her blackberry with work related stuff plus tweeting when I'm there and it infuriates me as I deliberately clear my diary for when she and her family visit us so I know how you fee*hopefuln*. If your DD hasn't taken photos or in other words taken you both for granted then it is hurtful and disappointing but we are not the centre of their lives any more. I just dislike the idea that (for me ) if she can tweet or text so avidly why can't she email me or phone me.

Good post, when, showing deep understanding.