Versatile Verse 3

I see myself as Mariette, Pop’s eldest daughter
Was she the one played by Catherine Zeta

A facelift and tummy tuck I will need

A facelift and tummy tuck I will need
I’ll practice the rural accent until I succeed

I will become rich and buy Gucci bags

I will become rich and buy Gucci bags
And chop off everything that sags

No checking my bank balance every day

No checking my bank balance every day
But I wouldn't need to with that wonderful pay

I would need to invest my wealth wisely

I would need to invest my wealth wisely
No more skimping, being miserly

I was once compared to Ebeneezer Scrooge

I was once compared to Ebenezer Scrooge
We don’t look similar - my chest is huge!

My first husband said I was way too thrifty

My first husband said I was way too thrifty
and quick to get bargains; very nifty

It did mean we had money left over for holiday cash

It did mean we had money left over for holiday cash
Though savings dipped with the 2007 financial crash

I had a win on the Derby in 2009

I had a win on the Derby in 2009
Only thirty quid but any win is fine.

I soon spent it on scratch cards, silly me

I soon spent it on scratch cards, silly me
I would have splurged on Afternoon Tea

An aromatherapy massage might also be fun

An aromatherapy massage might also be fun
Or an all-over fake tan applied with a “gun”

I scratched off each number hoping for a prize

I scratched off each number hoping for a prize
Thought I’d won but nope, ‘twas lies!

This isn’t good for my high blood pressure

This isn’t good for my high blood pressure
I’ll sit with my feet up and peruse a holiday brochure

I quite fancy a week at Butlins Skegness

I quite fancy a week at Butlins Skegness
Where I can eat and drink every day to excess

Then I'll come home and self isolate

Then I’ll come home and self isolate
I’ll venture no further than my garden gate.

I’ll spend far too much time doing ‘games’ on gransnet

I'll spend so much time doing 'games' on gransnet
trying to compensate for time with friends I've not met

It doesn't look like things will change any time soon

It doesn’t look like things will change any time soon
I hope BJ doesn’t cancel Wimbledon again next June

I can still drink my Pimms ‘though it isn’t the same

I can still drink my Pimms ‘though it isn’t the same
As being at Wimbledon watching the game.

But I'll still eat strawberries and cream at home

But I’ll still eat strawberries and cream at home
When last in London I was at the Milennium dome

What an utter waste of money that turned out to be?

What an utter waste of money that turned out to be?
I should have stayed at home with a cup of tea.

The most exciting thing I do these days

The most exciting thing I do these days
Is kick my heels off and loosen my stays!

It’s too restrictive wearing a corset

It’s too restrictive wearing a corset
'Specially when swimming in Dorset.

Wonder if they do extra-large onesies?

Wonder if they do extra-large onesies?
Or I could make do with a leaf from one of the fig trees

That's a horrible image - must have a rethink!

That’s a horrible image - must have a rethink!
I’ll look for a tankini, but it must be hot pink.

A matching sarong would complete my ensemble

A matching sarong would complete my ensemble
It’ll need to be Large - I’m built like a Womble

Not Orinoco, more like Great Uncle Bulgaria