People trying to "help"! And my reaction ....

I receive all offers of help with gratitude whether I need them or not. A ‘thank you, that’s kind of you’ costs nothing, even if help is not required. A polite refusal and thanks if I don’t need it. I hope good manners are automatic to me; it is the way I was brought up after all!

I was educated in a Catholic girls' school in the 70s. Helping others, giving up your seat etc was drummed into us from age 11, and 50 years on, I still do it. Having struggled myself with suitcases, pushchairs, toddlers, been on crutches with broken bones, I have always been so grateful when people offered to help, human kindness. Lookimg out for each other . We need more, not less.

My local railway station has two platforms. On the return journey we have to climb a fairly steep set of steps in order to reach the bridge to cross over the rails before descending on the other side. Every time I have done this, a kind man has offered to carry my bags for me. I am always very grateful. I am nowhere near old age but l appreciate it very much.

I got on a crowded bus the other day and I am quite capable of standing for the two mile journey home …but a schoolboy of about 12 I’d say, jumped up and offered me his seat…I took it …I thought how well brought up he was, and wouldn’t have offended him for the world. I hope his parents are proud of him .
I dont drive and walk or bus most places …
so 30-40 miles a week is nothing to me …. but I’ll always accept a politely offered lift by car but only if I know the person. Never would I accept lift from stranger .

Cossy. Oh dear, you do sound like you’re Stalin some days and I honestly believe people are just being kind and think they’re helping. A brief smile and a no thank you will suffice smile
——-
I do hope you were not referring to me
The guy in question waited while I got up and commented that he wished his mum had half my determination and laughed when I said I needed help to get down and helped me
Guess it depends how well you know the person and this guy has been with me for four years

Don't fret about it - just take it for what it is - an offer of help. Hence a "yes please - you are too kind", or a "no it's okay, I can manage thanks", is all that you need to say. Would you/could you just walk past someone who you thought was struggling, with asking them a similar question? I couldn't.

Hennahead, you do sound a bit of a bitch actually. Do you have any manners ? If so please be kind and use them towards the people with their kind offers to help you. As you say you are an intelligent woman surely you can realise that you are looking as an elderly, disabled woman, unfortunately probably not youthful as you wish.
Please respect the kind offers of help towards you and be pleasant, I’m sure you could manage that.

I love nothing more than a man holding the door open for me to enter first. But try this - when you know a man is behind you going in the same direction, hold the door for him. I smile and say “after you.”

The reactions are priceless! It can go any way - they either pass through, say Thanks and scurry on… or they stop and still insist on holding it for you.

I love turning the tables sometimes, just for the reactions.

In Malta we say that if an egg had two handles, it would be better for two people to carry it. Help is not always offered, and sometimes, it is churlish to refuse it, even though we can manage without it. It's nice if someone gives up the seat on a bus, or carries your bag if you are going the same way. I, for one, don't offer again if someone refuses first time. If it makes a person happy, yes, I allow them to 'help' me cross the road. Next time, I may be the one to decide to help someone across, and I would be disappointed and hurt if they shooed me away.

Gosh. It has all been said. I had a year of being visibly disabled. Sometimes help was awkward (I prefer cars didn’t stop for me to cross, too much pressure) but mostly so welcome. I was so distressed at my disability and pain that kindness nearly undid me but also helped me feel life was worth it. I don’t think I’m “past it” and have just been to a funeral of the most wonderful woman who did everything despite a disability but she was unfailingly gracious when offered any support.

In Pompeii on a group trip (mainly single women age 50's to 70's) - I offered my arm to one lady who seriously not going to make the step up without assistance (upper age and clearly struggling), and I waited to offer my arm to the next lady, mid-60's with a very obvious disability (thinking cerebral palsy, both legs). "oh look, I've got my own cripple helper" she said. Loudly.

It was unexpected and unnecessary. A simple "I'm fine", maybe, or wave me off with a hand. "Cripple helper". I was miserable for the rest of the day. And horrified at myself for not being more sensitive. But the option would have been to have helped the first woman (who received arms from just about everyone else at different points of the tour) and then turn my back on the second woman - would that have been considered rude?

Miserable for the rest of the day, and absolutely avoidable.

Well I guess the Op must feel well and truly chastised by now. If she's got any sense she's joined the Navy and run away to sea.

I do understand how you feel, but I'm afraid I'm one of those who tries to help. I sometimes feel a bit unsure of what the reaction will be, but I feel guilty if I don't offer....it is very difficult to judge. I am 67 years and still mobile, but Ireally don't like it when young shop assistants keep saying "Oh, Bless", when I am explaining what I want, but I suppose people mean well, really.

What's it coming too when an offer of assistance is thrown back as an insult. Just hope you never reach tge stage when a little bit if help would be useful and you are ignored. Be kind, say thank you, I'm okay, fine, can manage, and be grateful.

I agree with 'auntieflo'. I'm disabled but always thank people if they offer.

I am reminded of a screaming toddler stamping their feet at the effrontery of a grown up doing up their coat or shoes and yelling “Me do it” !

People can't win with you, can they Hennahead? I'm 58.

If they ignored you thinking ''silly old bag can do things without my help'' then you'd be moaning and groaning and tutting about ''typical younger generation, no manners'' etc. etc. but because some people have been kind enough to at least try to help, you see it as being patronized. Your ungrateful attitude is nasty and bitchy.

Did you sue the charm school?

I'm physically disabled and in excruciating pain 24/7/365, if someone offers to help, if it's just something basic like keeping my shopping bag open while I drop things into it, or just asking ''are you OK?'' then I very much appreciate any help offered.

''Thing is I am an intelligent, well educated woman not a person who needs looking after''. I'm not well educated, I only have 4 Basic Level 2 Certificates to my name as I'm not the academic type but I'm far from stupid and sometimes us ''mere uneducated commoners'' need help.

The people who are offering help see an older person who may be in need, Whether we once held down jobs as Secretaries, Accountants, Lawyers etc is irrelevant. Judgemental maybe but we also often judge younger people too, it goes both ways. It is lovely to know that there are still caring people around willing to offer assistance.

I for one was profoundly grateful to the lovely man who, without asking, just picked up my fairly heavy suitcase and carried it up a longish flight of steps at Victoria station.

I had the same, most welcome, assistance in London.
What was embarrassing though, was my husband watching from the top of the steps.
He'd just left me to it! 🙄

Somebody did that for me at Victoria, too.
Most appreciated.

I for one was profoundly grateful to the lovely man who, without asking, just picked up my fairly heavy suitcase and carried it up a longish flight of steps at Victoria station.

I had come all the way from Dijon on my own, still had another train and a bus to catch, and was knackered.

As an over 70 year old, on a trip to New York in 2019, I was surprised, impressed and pleased at how much help I was offered. I made my own way by subway from JFK to the holiday residence I was sharing with friends. At no point did I have to lift my suitcase onto escalators or up or down staircases by myself. Someone always offered to help. When we asked for directions, people looked on their phones to find directions/answers, and even offered to lead the way at one point. I was capable enough to do most things by myself, but it would have been rude to be unappreciative.

Snapping at people who offer help may put them off doing so again to others. Please don’t do it.

*I got this