I need advice for a mutually messy situation

Talk to him without expectations and with your boundaries clear.

Good luck

Hi there, Hithere lol. I don't know. I feel like both my father and I had a mutual part to play in how things turned out. His health has gone downhill these past few years, and I think I want to give it one last shot before closing the doors for good.

I think our biggest issue is that we're both terrified of vulnerability. I built an icy fortress to protect myself from disappointment, and he built an alternate reality to protect himself from the truth. My father had a horrible childhood, and while I know a lot of his issues are the result of unresolved trauma and defense mechanisms, they still hurt all the same.

It really hurts when your own father looks right through you. But you're right lovethepuppies, if I want to mend this relationship, I'll have to be vulnerable and try. I can't keep icing him out while expecting change if I'm unwilling to take the first step. It's just easier said than done, you know? I don't know what to say to him or how to talk to him; it's always so awkward, and I never know what might upset him.

A relationship can only be mended if both people are willing to put the work and see reality

From your post, you are all in, your father does not seem to.

You sound a bit like me - torn because it can be so nice and lovely but, at the same time, there's this underlying pain in the relationship.

Do you think you're still in the place where you feel that if you could just explain, he'd understand? Some people just aren't willing or able to do that. If he's able to be dismissive, he will possibly continue to do so. It's hard to want to repair something that requires two people, but they don't want to consider your side of things.

If you want to mend the relationship, is there a way you can do so safely? At the moment, I'm choosing to just be in touch with my parents with a daily text exchange. It maintains that emotional distance while still allowing communication and a relationship, even if that's different to what I'd like it to be. Is this a good way for you to dip your toes in the water?

Just remember that you are allowed to have boundaries and make choices, even if they don't like them. Relationships usually take some healthy give and take, not all being about the needs of one person.