Controlling Behaviour and Estrangement

Punishing can work to control Libbystar and estrangement maybe to punish the one being estranged, but I'm not sure that it's a way of intimidating someone to get them to do what you want. The threat of estrangement could be but if the threat is eventually acted upon, it must be because the threat in of itself wasn't enough.

The only thing estrangement achieves is having no contact with the one being estranged who will no longer be subjected to further anger and judgement because there's no contact due to the total withdrawal from the relationship. Estrangement being the ultimate judgement and sentence on the one estranged.

I agree that estrangement is sometimes the ultimate punishment for some past grievance, either real or imagined, if you can, let them get on with it until they are ready to open up and sort it, if not don't waste your time.

If someone is constantly blocking you when they are mad then unblocking you (essentially the silent treatment) yes that is a punishment. I think it's toxic, though not always purposeful control.

I think a lot of people use subtle control tactics go get their needs met, especially if you had to do that growing up. If manipulation is the only way to get what you need when your young, how are you going to learn any different without putting in the work?

It's a defense mechanism that follows some into adulthood. My mom does it and so did I. Not blocking and unblocking but in other ways. I'm actively working on it but it's hard to unlearn.

If the estrangement sticks, I don't think that's a punishment at all. At that point it isn't about you, it's about what they need for themselves. It is hurtful thing for everyone involved. There's no denying that. I wish things could be different for me and my mom, but I had to cut her out to continue healing.

Our ES's wife would constantly block and unblock her parents. It was something that often happened with her parents and family members and friends.

We're glad that we never gave her and our ES the opportunity to treat us in that way.

I think it depends on the motivation. Most people leave different relationships because they are not happy in them. That is not a punishment. I've lost track of a few relationships over the years because we didn't really mesh well together. It must be difficult searching for answers if you miss a relationship and don't know or understand why it ended. That lack of closure must be painful. Unless someone were to tell me I am ending this relationship unless you do something for me, I wouldn't try to let my mind down that path. It must be even more difficult for very close family relationships. I am sure there are many parents and children who have repeatedly tried to salvage things only to walk away again. Very hard to say. Try not to take these things to heart. We cannot always know why relationships end and working to except the end might help more long term.

The thing is I want to suffer because I know my son suffered and if I suffered much more then maybe someday the universe realizes that I've paid my dues and would send him back to me. I do see this as my punishment.

I don’t think life works like that. If the ‘universe’ had that sort of power, good people would only get good things through life and vice versa. 🤷‍♀️. But, that’s not what happens.

You made a mistake, years ago, fair enough, but the only that can send your son back to you, is your son.

If he doesn’t want to reconnect with you, then seeing it as a punishment by some greater force, really won’t help you.

I would, honestly, just get on with your life, find things you enjoy, and just see what happens in the future.

I realised, when my `DH died, that all the moping in the world couldn’t change how it was.

So, I looked towards the positive and built a different life. 😊