Son has signed out

My heart breaks for you. Try to build bridges despite the fact you are not to blame. I was in a similar situation when my son was terminally ill. His wife’s attitude to me was not good, and son refused to speak to me! Sadly he died shortly afterwards but he did send me a sweet email the day before he died. I was not in the wrong but I have so many regrets! Be brave and good luck.

Unfortunately BrightandBreezy EP's on this forum are often a target for some who are usually estranged from their own parents or in laws.

Hithere

Your son gave you a gift - his side of the story and what you could do to improve the situation

However, his reasons are not good enough for you (as if you are the judge of that) and "he broke the family" - read with sarcasm

What an extremely unpleasant post.

ByeHere

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

I wouldn't dream of asking for details, as all it would invite is criticism of the OP, disguised as analysis of something nobody else has been privy to. Life is far more nuanced than can be expressed on a discussion board.

Also, details of an incident can be outing, and as we know, posts on here can be picked up by the media, which would be less than helpful. These are people's lives, not a soap opera.

As he has recently reached out to talk to you it's possible that he is in the process of being ready to move on and nigin contact again so I wouldn't send an email saying you are willing to give him space at this point. He's had space since January and has recently got in contact so I would try to build on that - not pushing but keeping the door open. Instead I would text/email/WhatsApp and tell him that you acknowledge and accept you were wrong in the one area you mentioned here but also explain to him why you were defensive and what you were going through at the time. He may already know this but an acceptance of this error on your part with an explanation might make him feel 'heard'. We all make mistakes so try not to beat yourself up about any you've made. I'm sure he's made plenty of mistakes himself ...but don't bring his mistakes up. Just the one area where you can see you were at fault. Please don't mention the ocean and the puddle thing. Although it's a good analogy in certain circumstances it's one best kept to yourself as it would only open up a can of worms about who is most to blame. It is lovely that you have 2 other supportive children and hopefully you can ride this out as a family so long as mo one openly accused your other son of breaking up the family.
It's hard to keep hurt thoughts which would be counterproductive to yourself when you feel you are dealing with unjustified accusations. That is why Gransnet is (or should be) a safe place to get your thoughts out in the open and hear the thoughts and advice of others.
I cannot understand why anyone would come on a site like this only to h'have a go' at someone so obviously suffering. I hope things turn out ok for you. I feel that it is a hopeful sign that your son has recently been in contact. 💐

The only immature responses I have seen are ones made in response to the OP.

I am not HiThere

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

Projecting one's own anger and bitterness helps no one, including the one who is projecting.

You've had some kind and thoughtful responses TopNan which I hope have helped .

I understand. I have two separate families because my children don't get on with each other and I am stuck in the middle.

I felt a failure as a parent but have now come to accept the situation as it is.

Starting to see your children as independent and responsible adults is really the successful end of parenting and also releases you from what you thought was a life time of responsibility. You have done what you did to the best of your ability with what you were given. Congratulate yourself and recognise the freedom this now gives you.

My advice is to wait for him to contact you. Stop it with the messages as they are clearly having no impact.

It is hard but with some acceptance and realisation you will move forward with your own life, which you are entitled to have after all those years of parenting.

TopNan1 please ignore Hithere . To her all estranged parents are the cause of the problem. When in fact it's our adult children and in some cases adult grandchildren who decided we are disposable.

Your son made his choice . Please do not blame yourself . It has taken you a lot of courage to post about your son . Took me months of PM's to Smiless2012 before I could post on the support thread and haven't shut up since.
Don't try and contact your son he will only hurt you more . I know it's hard not to . But you have other children who love and care about you . So you are not the person your son is trying to make out . He has made his choice and now needs to live with it .

My son made his choice in 2020 . What hurt me most realising my son is a cruel coward. He did it by email and follow up letter. But he hasn't just cut me out of their life but all our side of the family. I had a kind loving son for 32 years he is now a stranger . I don't know him but I am not the same mom he knew . I decided in 2023 to give up hope of seeing or speaking him ever again and been happier. Still love him and my 3 grandson's but don't like the person who wrote the email or letter. I will never forgive or forget what he and my daughter in law put me through . And even if he got in touch which I know he won't I would never trust him.

The support thread is there if you feel more comfortable there . Posters from that thread have posted here. They have been a lifeline for me ..

Hope OP is alright. There are decent people about. Take no notice of unkind ones.

I thought as much eddiecat.
Is very sad that this posters sees fit to attack people she/he knows nothing about at what is obviously a vulnerable moment in their lives, hence they are reaching out for help.
But this is not unfortunately uncommon.

Just pointing out that Hithere is now posting as ByeHere.
Either way they have history of attacking estranged parents.

Hithere

Your son gave you a gift - his side of the story and what you could do to improve the situation

However, his reasons are not good enough for you (as if you are the judge of that) and "he broke the family" - read with sarcasm

Anyone who can write something so bitter and judgemental clearly has issues. Perhaps you need help yourself Hithere?

" he hit me with a broadside of complaints and reasons why he'd stopped talking to me. Most were totally unjustified"

The axe forgets what the tree remembers.

What could have been just another Tuesday for you could have been a very formative and memorable moment for him.

StripeyGran

Topnan I liked your metaphor about puddles and oceans. It's so hurtful to do your best, possibly under difficult circumstances and somebody to pull away from a relationship.

I suggest looking after you, doing things you enjoy and waiting it out. Not easy.

"somebody to pull away from a relationship."

A parent-child relationship can hardly be called a relationship in a normal sense.

Literally every other relationship begins with both parties consenting to it, and both are usually on equal footing.

A parent-child relationship has none of that, where the child is brought into the "relationship" without their consent, and where the child is wholly reliant and shaped by the parent.

Topnan I liked your metaphor about puddles and oceans. It's so hurtful to do your best, possibly under difficult circumstances and somebody to pull away from a relationship.

I suggest looking after you, doing things you enjoy and waiting it out. Not easy.

Hithere this might sound harsh (although I think you’ve got a very strong hide) most of your posts show a lot about you and come across as bitter and hard faced, always against the parent, and not at all helpful to someone upset and puzzled

Back to Topnan keep the pathway open even if it’s only a monthly call and don’t expect more…. very, very hard I know but if you don’t have too high expectations you won’t be so disappointed It’s so hard, none of us get it right really as parents, I often look back on things I said or did with horror now and know I would do it differently if was now. We muddled through, but circumstances change, times change what is acceptable and what isn’t changes NONE of us got it all right a lot of us mostly muddled along under difficult circumstances
There is so much I would change if I had my time for parenting or even for being an adult child again but we can’t, so all we can do is accept we made mistakes and try not to repeat them
Good luck Topnan

I agree that you have completely discounted his reasons for what he has done. I also agree that it would have been very hard for him to say those things to your face. I know I would not be able to tell my mother how she failed me - she just wouldn’t understand or accept it and I would be left feeling even worse. Like your son. If you’re brave enough, you can ask to see him and promise to listen. Really listen, with an open mind and trying to see things from his point of view.

I am very sad for you -please don't take it to heart.
Criticising your parents and estranging them seems to be the norm these days.

Feel sorry for you Topnani. Your son gave you reasons why he is unhappy with you. Although not true, it's awful being wrongly accused, but it's how he feels. I would send him an email, telling him you love him and sorry he feels let down by you. You were unaware he felt as he does and you both need to talk about it, but you will leave him to fonts at his own pace.
Then try to push it to the back of your mind and keep busy and mix with people whom you can talk and laugh with.

"I can only own one of his accusations but my attitude at that time was defensive because I was going through a lot of stress and grief."

Maybe that single accusation (that you both can at least agree happened) is very important, and your abysmal attitude regarding it probably leaves a lot to be desired from a parental figure who is supposed to be mature and definitely wiser.

"I feel like it's the oceans and puddles thing now - why should I jump over an ocean for him when he's not prepared to jump over a puddle for me."

If you have such a dysfunctional view on the relationship with your child, it leaves to wonder what else you get wrong. Probably a whole myriad of things. Very important things.

Hello TopNan. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it really is heartbreaking .

Babs advice IMO is spot on. Contact him via letter or email as she suggests, telling him you understand his need for space so will wait until he's ready to contact you. Reassure him of your love and that you are here for him.

An unnecessarily cruel response Hithere which I hope TopNan will ignore.

It sounds to me as though your son has a problem in his own life and is lashing out at you instead of seeking help to resolve this.
It's painful for you but hopefully when he is in a happier place the relationship with you can be restored.
I don't think there is much you can do except be patient.