I feel like my relationship with my daughter since she reached out is tenous. All trust is gone with me, but she reached out because she personally and professionally burned bridges. We were receptive, she is our daughter. She made some devestatingly bad decisions that had severe consequences. She appeared to have it all and now must start over. She used people, discarded them and repeated the cycle. Then she did it to the wrong people. I think professionally she may not recover at all. She will be able to work and make a living. But she won't be living in a mansion again anytime soon.
So it's like living with a ghost. I am her mother so even though I don't feel she has any love or warmth towards me or any of her former family and friends that she dumped, I know she's at her lowest so I am supportive. Her father and I worry she will commit suicide as she has alluded to. But she is careful to always say she doesn't have a plan and it was yesterday's thoughts so we don't send in the troops. And she has started therapy. But unfortunately with a therapist who tells her that her entitled behavior is not a bad thing. This entitled behavior is what helped get her in this mess to begin with.
Her father and I agonized over what parenting mistakes we made to cause such a drastic personality change in her mid to late 20's. We were a close family. Lots of fun, lots of laughs, we never abused her. We were her biggest supporters in life. But she dumped us, and most of her friends and family who weren't wealthy and ambitious.
I learned that the prescription stimulants use she dabbled in during college was not a fleeting thing. She never stopped taking them. She did confide in me at that time that she was using them to get through finals and how easy it was to find an online doctor to prescribe them. She does not and never had ADHD. So it was and is prescription drug abuse I believe that changed her. I disapproved of course, but gently. She was an adult at that time and she could talk to me about anything. We were close like that so I was blindsided when she dumped us and created a life with corporate sharks and what we believed to be very selfish people.
She acted so much like my mother and sister who many people call narcissists that I believed it was genetics. I still think that has a part, but I think abusing prescription stimulants which can cause impulsivity and lack of empathy was perhaps the main reason for her personality change. And drinking wine at night to come down from it all to sleep. Now she takes prescription sleeping pills to do this. And still drinks wine as well.
My daughter still takes no accountability for her actions and how they hurt other people. I hope in time she views things differently. She doesn't understand why she could not walk back into everyone's lives after years of absence and not be welcomed back with open arms. Everyone is cordial but they don't trust her and have moved on.
She takes shots at me because whe believes I am the barrier that keeps her old friends and family from inviting her over. I've never said a harsh word about her and these people have come to their own decisions about having a relationship with her.
She told me she was cruel to me, and I think that is the best she can do to address the way she demonized and lied about her childhood. She lost a lot of friends when she started that because they knew the truth and thought she had changed. It's not an apology but at least it shows some self reflection.
I really hoped hitting rock bottom would help her change back into being an empathatic and caring person. But as long as she abuses prescription drugs and alcohol I don't think it will. And I don't think her therapist or anyone in the medical community will address this issue because she has a prescription.
Thanks for listening to my story. I live on the edge of being supportive to a daughter who is not the daughter I know, while worrying about her still. Hubby and I talk about it and we agree to accept that she is not fully with us in heart and spirit, and acts like she is only interested in herself that she still needs support.
I miss the daughter I raised and loved for decades. I don't like the person she has become. But if ever a person needed the love of a mother and father she is the one. So it's hard. But we at least know that if and when she creates a new tribe of like minded people she will dump us again and we are okay with that while still sad about it. Just gotta get her through this part of her life.
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Would like to add, I know for a fact my caregivers are still wishing I hit rock bottom.
Because they know (i.e., think in their stunted minds) that's their only realistic chance to be back in my life.
I think it's obvious who you are IamAI despite your constant name changes because once again, you are projecting your experience onto others.
In order for anyone to change, to see where they have gone wrong and to accept responsibility for the choices they have made, the first step is to stop blaming their parents and/or the parents of others who have very sadly messed up their lives.
Rather than continue to take over other threads and make everything about you and your experiences, start one of your own.
A great post Allsorts 
.
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I'm thankful IamAI that my reality is real and is nothing like yours and yes, it is obvious who you are.
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Portrait
Have you considered going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for yourself? These are groups for people who are affected by the drinking or drug use of a loved one, respectively. They may help to give you some perspective on how you can support your daughter while protecting your own physical and mental health and without enabling her.
Also, might it be possible that she DOES have ADHD but it was simply never identified? This is a very common phenomenon with girls and women, especially because most women who have ADHD have primarily inattentive subtype. They don't have the "bouncing off the walls", "driven by a motor" behaviour that you tend to see with primarily hyperactive/impulsive ADHD. Instead, a lot of the hyperactivity can be in their minds and can manifest as overthinking and over analyzing things, and can often be misdiagnosed as anxiety and/or depression. (I speak as a woman with suspected, although not officially diagnosed, ADHD that was identified by my stepdaughter when I was in my 30s. She has female friends who have been diagnosed with ADHD and saw many similarities between me and them.)
You might like to look into the lived experiences of people with ADHD (ADHD Chatter podcast, LifeActuator, ADHDLove, and Holderness Family Laughs, all on YouTube, would be good places to start). It's possible that you may find that many of the things they describe are similar to behaviours you've noticed in your daughter. One experience that's almost universal in ADHD is rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD, a very strong negative reaction to any form of rejection (including things such as perceived rejection and criticism). This can make for more difficult relationship experiences. Emotional dysregulation is also a feature of ADHD, and people who have ADHD may potentially be at a higher risk for substance use disorders, given that substances can increase dopamine, and people who have ADHD have dopamine dysregulation issues.
I hope what I write can be received earnestly now!!! I think that ship has sailed IamAI. It's all too familiar, we've seen it all before.
That’s a really constructive and informative post Agnurse, thankyou. Especially interesting is your information about the “primarily inattentive subtype”. It could apply to a lot of people who wouldn’t necessarily fit the usual picture of ADHD.
I agree Delila. It's nice to see you agnurse it's been a while .
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Thank you Smiless2012 for your kind words. You are always so kind and supportive.
It's been hard to see my daughter get to such a low part in her life. I always felt comforted that even though she had left her family and friends behind she was able to take care of herself. That's so important. You want your children, whatever path they take to be okay, even if it's without you.
I just really hope that she can turn this around for herself. It's human to seek empathy and sympathy and I am there for her. I just want her to see that she needs to give that back to people and not to be with people who can't or won't do that. She lost that somewhere along the way. If she can get it back, then maybe this time around she can choose to be with people who have good qualities and will be loyal through the good and the bad.
My husband and I both had abusive parents. We really tried to parent the exact opposite of that. Our family was so close so I try to remember those good times when my daughter says something cruel to me or about other people who are good to her.
She's scared right now and so are we. She needs to understand that it's not her position in life or how important her friends are that determine her worth. I think if she can stop taking drugs she doesn't need she may be able to think clearer. She truly does not have ADHD. But getting off those meds is a whole process, and if she can come to that conclusion she will need support to do that.
I don't know if I will be back to post anymore. I do feel bad for the people here who are experiencing pain in their own lives and are projecting that onto my post. Especially the ones who did not or have not experienced the love and support of their parents. Parents who are resentful and jealous of their children and hoping bad for them. Growing up that way with those type of parents, I know how hard and painful that is. But I don't want to get into defending myself to those people or trying to convince people that I'm not the parent I grew up with. That in itself brings up too much emotional pain from my past.
Take care everyone.
Delila
Once I started looking deeper into the lived experience of ADHD, I realized that there was a lot more to it than the official DSM diagnostic criteria. (Of note: I am a nurse and I TEACH about ADHD in the pediatric nursing course I teach, and there were things I STILL didn't know about it.) For example, it's primarily a dysregulation disorder - extending to behaviour AND emotions. It's also not exclusively about not being able to focus. Many people who have ADHD can go into a hyperfocus if they're doing something they really enjoy or if they're under a very strict deadline. One ADHDer said there are three kinds of workdays when you have ADHD - spending 8 hours and getting nothing done, getting 8 hours' worth of work done in 4 hours, and getting 40 hours' worth of work done in 4 hours 😂 ADHD is also characterized by a lack of object permanence (i.e. if you can't see something it doesn't exist - this is why people with ADHD tend to lose things and why they can struggle to remember to do things such as returning texts), emotional dysregulation (mood swings, very high highs and very low lows, increased sensitivity to any stimulus and a greater reaction to stimuli), and even coordination issues. I believe there is some research showing that people with ADHD have a decreased number of neural connections in the cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls movement and coordination, compared to neurotypical people.
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IamAI
Would like to add, I know for a fact my caregivers are still wishing I hit rock bottom.
Because they know (i.e., think in their stunted minds) that's their only realistic chance to be back in my life.
You can't blame everything wrong with your life on bad parenting or a condition, unless you have a bad mental health disorder and unable to function in a family environment everyone knows right from wrong. You can choose be a victim or a survivor. Life is not easy we all have a lot of bad things happen which we have to get through. We can't let that define us. We can by synthetic when bad things happen but ultimately we have to support ourselves.
Iam, Why do you think the caregivers wished you to hit rock bottom adding they are desperate to have you in their lives. It's one or the other.
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Another one adding to the mix. Here we go again.
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IamAI- your pain is palpable. You've responded nine times to my post and you've never asked a question. It seems like you have put yourself into my story. I'm truly sorry your caregivers wish bad on you. That's horrific.
For what it's worth I never said what you are accusing me of. Please read my post again. I said my daughter hit rock bottom and contacted me. I hope that she learns from this. We all hope that when we suffer from bad decisions we grow from them. That helps us make better decisions as we go forward. And when we hurt people we tend to empathize more with them when we ourselves have experienced that pain. So we can learn from that as well even if it's after the fact and we self reflect. That is what I hope for her.
I was just going to leave this post but your pain is so evident that I decided to respond. There are very good reasons to go no contact with your family. If your family wishes bad on you, wishes you hit rock bottom, has no empathy for your struggles then your family dynamic is one of them. I don't know any of your story, but I truly feel your pain. You deserve better. You deserve parents who care about you, care if you live or die, want you to succeed and want people in your life who truly love you. I'm sorry you are not getting that. You absolutely deserve that. As a person, parent or not I wish better for you.
You may or may not believe me and I am not going to take your statements against me personally. I just wish you peace and a good life.
Take care of yourself.
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A1, your last sentence, therein lies the problem, why would parents do that? We raise them and let them fly the nest..
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