Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

I feel reconciliation is a process that takes time, patience and a true ability to listen and endure the feelings of others. This is something my dear family member cannot do. While I do not wish to take sides or get involved in their problems, watching someone place more importance on being right in the situation rather than doing any work on themselves is difficult. I find myself not agreeing with them and asking all sorts of questions that are met with anger and defence. I do not feel some are truly capable of putting others at an equal footing and are rather sneering at any idea that handling the situation in a different way would reach a happy outcome for all involved.

You'd really have to know those people personally, as well as the whole family dynamics before drawing that conclusion.

I think that your dear friend is a tad intransigent Luminance.
The difficulty arises when despite all efforts being made to resolve any issues, self reflections,apologies made, letters written, emails sent, notwithstanding the abuse given in reply, one is then told to respect the estranged person's boundaries and all attempts at communication are blocked. It isn't the person who is being estranged who is in control of anything, whether they self reflect or attempt to build bridges, unless the person being estranged wants to reconcile as well.
And am sure you would agree that if an EAC has told parents to respect boundaries and have no further contact that is exactly what they should do.

As you posted March, reconciliation like estrangement comes in all shapes and sizes.

A lady we know whose been estranged from her D for years and never knew her GD, was contacted by her when she'd left home and they've been meeting up on a regular basis ever since, but without her D's knowledge.

I think you're right Luminance which is why reconciliation can't happen unless all concerned really want it to happen.

How would it be possible to let someone know you had reflected, accepted your part,, had therapy, etc, if you aren't allowed to contact them?

It isn't the person who is being estranged who is in control of anything, whether they self reflect or attempt to build bridges, unless the person who estranged (I think that's what you mean) wants to reconcile as well absolutely Babs.

Well there in lies the problem MissA. If you've been told not to make contact of any kind, you'd be wrong to do so. I suppose you could ask a third party to intercede but that's a big ask.

Yes, it's a problem.

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE???? I’ve tried so hard to be positive, to offer an alternative view, but every single thread ends up with the same people taking over and making the same negative points!!! What is the point of anyone else trying to post something in this forum upbeat and positive to give hope to people when time and again every thread ends up exactly the same? Aren’t there enough other threads for ‘oh yes but sometimes there’s no hope, & let’s constantly remind everyone of that’ ? No wonder so many posters never come back, & I don’t blame them, I’m seriously thinking of doing the same. Really people, give others a chance- it’s not just about you.

Life isn't that straight forward stillawip, you were happily it seems given the chance after your reflections and apologies to reconnect, which is absolutely brilliant for you.
However that's positive and appreciated, the negative is sadly some posters despite their reflections and apologies are blocked from communication with their EAC so can't forward, that's just the way it is.

The floors all yours.

Well. I've said.

It's not for everyone but it might be helpful to someone
And said is my experience.

My husband didn't block his mom.
Some adult children do?
Some don't?

No one was ever blocked?
Some are?

Both sides need to want and work through it.
Some don't?
Some do?
Some aren't willing to listen?
Some are?
Some may want to reconnect but don't know how?

This may help them?

There in March is the problems of estrangement!

Smileless2012

^It isn't the person who is being estranged who is in control of anything, whether they self reflect or attempt to build bridges, unless the person who estranged (I think that's what you mean) wants to reconcile as well^ absolutely Babs.

Spot on, that is what I was trying to say Smiles 👍

Yes. That's why it's called T
The Successful reconciliations & how you got there...'

Not 'The problems that caused estrangement'

One thing I've learned after a period of estrangement with one of my children is to treat her like a friend, it's all too easy to slip into parent/child roles. They don't work when children grow up. Also to be cheerful when you see them, encourage like a friend would and allow them space to come to you whilst still reaching out to say you're thinking of them or giving them some happy/fun news. I have forgiven how my DD made me feel when she was cruel to me. I haven't forgotten though and am proud that I can rise above pettiness now that once affected me. I think I've grown into a better person, more resilient with my kids.

The fact does remain that some can and do reconcile and some cannot for whatever the reason. Those who cannot for whatever the reason are rather upset that they could not. That is entirely understandable but has it's own place I feel. Perhaps a thread for support for estranged relationships and not a threat for reconciliation advice and support?

No one is asking how we got there, the question was how we got through it to reconcile?

I put my side. No one asked for it.
I then said how we got through it and moved on?

18:52MissAdventure

How would it be possible to let someone know you had reflected, accepted your part,, had therapy, etc, if you aren't allowed to contact them?

Then that speaks for someone else and not got the ones who weren't? Obviously.

Today 19:34Bridie22

There in March is the problems of estrangement!

Yes but my experience of it? Have you read the thread title?

However that's positive and appreciated, the negative is sadly some posters despite their reflections and apologies are blocked from communication with their EAC so can't forward, that's just the way it is.

That's awful but not the point of the thread. It's supposed to be a positive thread.

Am sorry if some posts put a damper on things. But at no time did anyone stop those with a more positive spin on things coming forwards, would encourage them to do so.
As another poster has said - the floor is all yours.
Will cease to take part.

As MissA states..." the floor is all yours".
I to bow out.

Yes. The floors all yours....

To comment, speak out about moving forward, recounting and how they did that from estrangement.

It's in the thread title