Husband in contact with EAC but not wife

I don't understand your husbands attitude, if he doesn’t have contact there is no chance of there ever being a reconciliation between you and your son. Your son may forgive you over time especially if his father reiterates how sorry you are, with his father cutting contact he could assume that his father agreed with what you said at the time.

Thank you. We have both said how sorry I am, and tried to re-establish contact together. My husband did agree with me at the time, as did others, but I was just the one who was stupid enough to say it out loud.

I do understand your husband’s attitude. More difficult to understand is that of your son and his wife.
Is there any chance of mediation? Sometimes these seemingly intractable situations can be shifted. Four years is a long period of estrangement.
Could you and your husband go to some kind of specialised talking, preferably mediation work so you can really talk this through? That may change things and you can reevaluate.

Thank you very much - I do appreciate it, but rather than getting lost in the details, I was really just wanting to know whether anyone had navigated the above scenario successfully, ie only one parent being in contact.

What’s EAC I get the adult children but what’s the E for

Estranged BlueBelle.

Would your husband agree to a quick drink in your local with your son..maybe after work? keep contact that way..

I also understand your husband's attitude stillawip. I think your wanting him to have contact with your son, knowing that in all likelihood he wont want contact with you is admirable, but it wouldn't be easy for you, which is probably why your husband hasn't wanted too, together with him being of the opinion that your son has behaved very badly.

You say it was your reaction to his "pulling away" from his family which presumably included his father, that has made him more angry with you than his father. He was already doing this so you are not the only reason for his behaviour, and his father has tried and failed to bring about any reconciliation for you all.

I don't know of any successful reconciliations with just one parent where the parents remain together. The hardest thing about being estranged by your own child, we've been estranged now for 11 years, is accepting that this is the decision they have made, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Please let go of your guilt. Your son made his original decision and now your husband has made his.

Thanks Urm I couldn’t get past elderly

Thank you so much Smileless. I’m so sorry you have been estranged for so long.

Seems that you have overstepped on this one. When your son became an adult and chose his wife, they became their own household and immediate family (especially if they choose/have chosen to have kids together) so you saying unkind things to him about pulling away was completely uncalled for. You are now extended family and he is under no obligation to spend time with you or any of your side of the family if he chooses not to. Let him be an adult and stop trying to control him. If he prefers spending time with her side of the family, then so be it, that's his choice. Respect that and stop putting all the blame for that on his wife. He has a voice himself too. I think your husbands attitude is all wrong, there is never going to be any reconciliation if he cuts off his son (especially when his son hasn't actually done anything wrong) and if they have kids or choose to in the near future then you are unlikely to have any sort of relationship with them. I would suggest you explain to your husband that your actions were overstepping, your son is a grown man with his own family now and that it was unfair of you to put demands on him so your son shouldn't be blamed for that. Let your husband then make his own informed decision on how he wants to move forward. Your immediate family now is your husband and you should focus on doing things together instead of pressuring your son to make time for people just because you feel entitled to it.

The extent to which a partner's coercive control impacts on families, and can result in estrangement should not be underestimated Mamasperspective. While I realise that this can be difficult to comprehend unless you have personal experience, it is wrong to assume that anyone who says their AC has changed since being with their partner is wrong.

The frightening consequence of coercive control is that the one being controlled effectively loses their voice. In 2015 Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act recognised coercive control as a criminal act.

It's clear from stillawip's OP that her husband's decision not to try to pursue a relationship with their son is his so your implication that it is not, and the OP is not allowing her husband to "make his own informed decision on how he wants to move forward" is incorrect.

AC of course have the right to pull away from their biological family and parents have the right to be upset and/or concerned about them doing so.

It's often easier to be able to understand a situation like this, if you've been unfortunate to have had personal experience and 'walk in their shoes' so to speak.

The main issue here is that your husband has picked your side and fighting for the mother and father's reconciliation, not just his own

If your husband has any chances, having his son's trust is key

However, in estrangement, couples are usually a bundled deal.

If your dh could be Switzerland, perhaps this could be saved
The line has been crossed already thought

Thanks all . Mamasperspective, I have chosen not to give too many details, so I can understand you jumping to conclusions about my family. None of your assumptions on our situation are correct, but I thank you for taking the trouble to answer anyway.
I think I’ll leave the thread now, as I was hoping for an answer to my specific question rather than any criticism of my wonderful husband.

I am.in the same sit situation as your DH so I do compleunderstand how he feels . You can't just meet up.with the EAC without your spouse because that is so disloyal to your spouse. Thats like you're condoning how they are being rejected and hurt so much . What are you going to talk.about ? The elephant in the room ? I can see that you want them to meet up but I can also see your husband's point of view . Your DH is obviously a very kind and feeling person.

stillawip, clearly there is more to this story and I genuinely respect your privacy. What I will say is, I wish you and your husband well and sincerely hope you can repair the damage. I have never had to deal with the pain of estrangement, I know it would break my heart! I wend you good wishes and good luck.

I completely agree Soozikinzi.

I hope that you've been helped by the supportive responses here stillawip. The support of a loving, kind and loyal husband/wife in these circumstances is invaluable, so it's good to know that your wonderful husband is by your side .

Smileless2012

The extent to which a partner's coercive control impacts on families, and can result in estrangement should not be underestimated Mamasperspective. While I realise that this can be difficult to comprehend unless you have personal experience, it is wrong to assume that anyone who says their AC has changed since being with their partner is wrong.

The frightening consequence of coercive control is that the one being controlled effectively loses their voice. In 2015 Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act recognised coercive control as a criminal act.

It's clear from stillawip's OP that her husband's decision not to try to pursue a relationship with their son is his so your implication that it is not, and the OP is not allowing her husband to "make his own informed decision on how he wants to move forward" is incorrect.

AC of course have the right to pull away from their biological family and parents have the right to be upset and/or concerned about them doing so.

It's often easier to be able to understand a situation like this, if you've been unfortunate to have had personal experience and 'walk in their shoes' so to speak.

Very good post Smileless And yes Coercive control is a real and insidious aspect of some Estrangements

I've not been in your situation before but putting yourself in my shoes, I'd want my son to have a relationship with his Dad and not me if that's what he wanted, id encourage my husband to reach out to his son and have a relationship with him without me.

Thank you Madgran .

I'm not in your shoes, but know people who are - I'd let it go because they've both decided what they want, no changing that easily.

Has your husband already made it clear that he won't have a relationship without you to his son?

Because the only way it would ever work is if your husband could remain neutral and have a relationship with his son without bringing up your son's relationship with you.

As an estranged child myself whose mother said and did terrible things, it actually took me a long time to close that door on the idea of reconciliation. There were certain things I needed to allow it, I needed my mother to take full responsibility for her behaviour, apologise and change for the better.

Perhaps you could try that, no ifs, buts, excuses or justifications... Just a full frank acknowledgment of what you said. He may reciprocate in time but at the moment he is hurting so much he can't speak to you... The only way to open dialogue may be for you to make the first genuine apology and ask what he needs to build bridges

Letting it go is I think the hardest thing of all Norah but it's the only way forward.