Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I wrote a piece on another forums thread and Serendipity liked it and sent me this. Brought a tear to my eye.

Before bed reminders.

1. Whatever you did today was enough.

2. However you showed up today was enough.

3. You did your best and your best is good enough.

hugs it is demoralising I know, especially when so many work so hard to make the support threads what they are.

Please don't worry about having to contribute "more positively" if we could all be positive all the time, we wouldn't need the friendship, advice and support that these threads have to offer.
It's always lovely just to see your posts.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with your medication. We're all still here for you and for one another.

You're welcome Philippa and I'm so pleased that you've found the responses you've received supportive. Thank you for saying so.

Feeling ashamed is something everyone here understands and has experienced. It's that unwarranted shame that makes it so hard to talk about our experiences and that's why we need to be able to do so.

Talking with those who understand gives us the courage and self confidence we need to be open, and not feel as if we have to hide our true selves and the lives we've led from the world.

It's not easy sharing here, even with the anonymity that are 'names' here offer. The first time is the hardest and now you're here I hope you'll stay, keep up to date with all the posts and add your own as and when you want too.

That's lovely Whiff, thank you for sharing and thanks to Serendipity too.

Well we managed to avert disaster this evening. I was starting our evening meal and Mr. S. poured us a both a . Took his to go and sit down and then there was red wine spilled on the very pale, silver grey carpet.

I threw the kitchen roll at to him and told him to start blotting and did the same. Told him to get the vax which fortunately was still here from me cleaning the carpet in April. Told him to carry on blotting while I grabbed the shampoo and got the flaming thing ready to go.

When I first started shampooing the carpet I honestly didn't think it was going to come out. Kept going over and over it, pausing for more blotting, and on and on we went until it eventually lifted.

What a relief.

That's men for you!!!

Smiles glad the wine came out. Quick thinking on your part and Mr S is a treasure.

Because my hands just let go for no reason. Earlier on in the year just made a cup of blackcurrant and blueberry tea and it ended on my pale grey carpet. Good old Dr Beckman got the stain out. I always have it in as I am always dropping things on it . My youngest grandson got what his brother calls yog fruit over himself on got some on the carpet and cream seat of the chair his high chair is attached to. Dr Beckman to the rescue.

Can't believe how quickly the pages are filling up. But pleased Smiles, Yogin and other long timers hard work over the years is still needed and new people are finding the thread.

People that are unable to post I know are still reading. Like in life we have ups and downs and in my time on the support thread we have weathered several attempts to disrupt all their hard work and destroy something that helps so many people more than Smiles and long timers will ever know.

I still remember reading it for the first time and felt safe enough to send Smiles a PM then get the courage to post for the first time. It's hard to admit that a much loved family member not longer wants you in their or families life.

I questioned what sort of mom I was? After my husband died had I done enough to help my children cope. Was I letting my grief overwhelm my role as a mom ?Was I depending on the children to much? And soon realised it wasn't me that failed and I had done everything possible that I could not just looking after the children's needs but also my parents and mother in law and finally my own.

As parents we always put our children first ,then anyone else who was dependent on us and putting ourselves last. When our children are young everything is all about them and that's a choice we make having children. It's the way it's supposed to be sadly not all parents see it that way as posters have talked about their childhoods and their parents lack of caring. But as showed time and time again having a rough childhood doesn't mean it impacts onto how you give your own children unconditional love and make sure they have the childhood that was denied you.

SparklyGrandma glad you found us. And hope you get the help you need . We all do our best but like in real life we are all different and have different views and approaches to what life throws at us. Like a family but one we choose to join.

Chewbacca hope the weather stays warm for the well dressing. And your family putting up their tent on Sunday. Been a very long time since I went camping . We always went camping before we had our daughter then decided it would be better to hire a caravan. Do you still have to paint tents with waterproofing? Remember doing that before every holiday.

DiamondLily hope you can help your grandson. Trouble is we have no control who we fall in love with it just happens. And sometimes that person is not worthy of the love given them. But that's life.

DerbyshireLass glad your friend got the all clear and enjoy the celebration meal. Your husband sounds like mine was a joker. Shows how strong your husband was to have the courage to still be naughty when he was suffering so much. Your sister sounds a lot of fun . Have a lovely time at the party it's a celebration of her birthday but also a celebration of how far you have come since the day your husband died and that you are still fighting to make a new life for yourself. And have plans for the future selling your house and finding a new home and new life. No matter how old we get I love the fact we never stop learning and experiencing new things. Even in our darkest hour we can always find a light.

Hi All, back from my holiday which was lovely. Enjoyed beautiful sea view from our cottage and lots of peace!

Internet access was awful so I haven't been on GN all week. I looked at the old thread and found this new one. Lots of ups and downs.

I like those before bed reminders Whiff.

Holiday washing to do today and pottering round garden etc. And no wine for a bit after much holiday wine having been consumed!

Have a good day everyone. ?

Summerlove hope the wedding isn't as trying as you fear. Hopefully the sun with shine and raise everyone's spirits. And everyone will be on their best behaviour.

imaround glad your husband will be back and able to give you a break from teenage hormones and all the dramas they cause .

Hugs you have enough on your plate with selling your house and buying your new home. And now not being able to the medication you need is awful . Hopefully your pharmacist will keep trying to get it get for you. And once he can make sure you have a huge supply. I am lucky all my medication is common place. Funny enough there are a lot of makers of pharmaceuticals here in the north west. You will soon get your mojo back but take your time . And don't over do things I know that's easier said than done but rest when you can .

Philippa111 you are proof history does not have to repeat itself. And having a bad childhood doesn't make you into a bad mother in fact you are the opposite of what generations that came before you are.

It take courage to overcome what you have and you have made sure you are the mom you wished you had . And your daughter is very lucky to have a mom like you.

Hopefully I haven't missed anyone out. Still can't believe how quickly the pages are filling.

Oops almost forgot. Have a great BBQ Smiles ,Mr S will do you proud.

Madgran glad you had a good holiday and recharged your batteries ready for what life throws at you.

Good Morning everyine

Welcome to Sparkly Grandma (love the name). And Phillipa. Hope you both find the support you need here.

Not much news. Was very lethargic yesterday after a bout of IBS Thursday night ??. My own stupid fault, something I ate. Thankfully I feel tons better today. No real plans for the weekend, but I do want to spend some time in the garden, it's looking a bit straggly.

I've got a busy week next week, two nice lunch dates and then my sisters birthday bash so I don't mind having a quiet weekend.

Hope you all have a good weekend and that the weather stays kind for Smile's BBQ and for the wedding, Summerlove.

Good to see the thread is back on track, doing what it does best, helping and supporting those who need it, and sometimes providing a bit of comic relief and general friendly chit chat.

Our founder, Smiles and many of the long term posters are proof positive that we can live a good life a good life estrangement. Yes there are some very sad stories on here but I have found many of the posters truly inspirational in the way they have managed to rebuild their lives.

Long may this thread live. It was my lifeline and I hope it continues to offer support and friendship.

Morning everyone.

As you said Chewbacca ^that's men for you^.

I remember you telling us about that Whiff and Dr. Beckman so I'm going to get some and keep it here at the lodge, just in case. Thank goodness the vax was still here as I don't think we'd have got the wine out without it.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you and DSL losing your DH's and having to deal with your own grief while simultaneously looking after your children and helping them with theirs.

For sometime when we're estranged we literally put how we parented under a microscope. Going over what we did or didn't do, said or didn't say, to try and make sense of what's happened and to try and find out why.

Of course when we look back there'll be things we wished we'd done differently or hadn't done at all, but that's what it is to be human, to be fallible because no one's perfect are they.

Great to see you on the new thread Madgran and to hear that you had a good holiday. Catching up with the washing is always a bit of a chore but having had a good time away makes it worthwhile.

Glad you're feeling better today DSL. My brother has IBS and I know how easy it is to eat the 'wrong' thing and then suffer for it the next day.

With two lunches out and your sister's birthday bash to look forward too next week, taking it easy this weekend is a good idea, so don't overdo it in the garden.

Hope you're OK hugs and hope you're reading and keeping up with all that's happening here Yogin. Page 7 already so to say we're up and running would be an under statement.

It's a beautiful morning here which is always good to see when there's an evening BBQ planned. Mr. S. is going to the flat to put some underlay down and fingers crossed he doesn't come back with any more bashes to his head.

Mr. S. is back from working on the flat and no head injuries.

As soon as he came in he noticed that our little white poodle had duck poo under his chin. I hadn't seen it; hadn't smelled it. He hadn't rolled in it when I took them out just before lunch and Mr. S. said he hadn't done it this morning either.

So where did the little bugger get it from? (rhetorical question). At least we were able to get him clean without putting him in a bath.

You’re so right Smiles - when estranged we do put our parenting under a microscope. Regret the things we got wrong and barely think about what we might have got right!
That’s why I get concerned when I hear of therapists encouraging clients to estrange….I wonder if they even think about the agonies the parents might be going through. Would rather therapists work with clients on setting good strong boundaries instead, because from everything I read on here, estranged children and/or parents all struggle to get to a place of complete peace after estrangement. And maybe I’m an optimist, but I believe people can and do change. Cancelling people is not a solution, to my mind.

Having the support of others in the same boat is so valuable Philippa111 and you should be proud of how you've been able to break the cycle.

Glad you managed to rescue the carpet smiles. I hate it when things get ruined or broken. Good to know that Mr smiles head is still in one piece.

I also believe people can change and grow spring20. If given the chance and support to do so.

Mr Hugs is a bit under the weather - think it's just a cold - so he's had his feet up watching the commonwealth games. Our daughter is having a bungalow-warming party tomorrow and we're to meet the family of our future SIL so really hoping it's nothing worse. We have tests in the house to check in the morning. It's a garden party so should be fine if Mr H just has a cold and keeps his distance. I made a cake ready so fingers crossed. I've been resting in between baking and going to put my feet up tonight. Have a good evening all.

I expect many of us have tortured ourselves with those questions Whiff. But as you say, we did our best. If we cannot meet every expectation upon us, maybe those expectations are unrealistic. I wonder how many of those making them will feel able to be the person they think we should be.

Glad you're over the IBS flare up DSL. It's so easy to make a mistake with food and so tiresome to have to continuously check everything, it's no wonder it happens sometimes. A quiet weekend with lots to look forward to sounds lovely. My garden is straggly too. I think it always gets a bit overblown at this time of year.

Glad to hear you had a lovely holiday Madgran. Does the soul good.

Love the cake hugs.

Oh dear.

Well, I've had a lovely weekend so far....nothing but stress.?

On Friday night, DD got a picture from the flaky girlfriend, with a tag line of 'congratulations, Granny, now everyone has to do what I want'.

Jeez, then it kicked off.

My silly, stupid GS has, apparently, got her pregnant.?. She told him she was on the pill, but, as I pointed out, when a compulsive liar says something, it's best not to believe it. Still, we are where we are.

There is no way this situation is going to be a happy time. She's got some mad delusions about him being able to afford privately renting a plush rental in an expensive part of London,.?

She is 22, never worked, and seems to have no grip on reality.

She's had a totally dysfunctional upbringing (taken into care, fostered, now living with her biological mother again). I don't blame her for that, but she's unhinged. Everything has to be a huge drama, with her in the starring role.

Well, she needs to understand that the rest of us aren't playing the supporting cast of dramas and chaos.

There is no way her and GS can live together. They rarely stop arguing, and you can't put a child in the middle of that.

He came over yesterday, and had a quiet, calm chat with DH and I, to try and establish his thoughts with this, away from all the shouting. Girlfriend is constantly, and I mean constantly, bombarding him with shouting etc.

So, yesterday, I made him turn his phone off for an hour or two.

At the moment, the only way forward seems for her to remain with her mother, GS to remain at home, and for him to be a dad, but not live with her.

It's early days, very early, so a lot can happen, but it's going to be a complete nightmare, trying to deal with her. She's literally off her trolley.

I could seriously brain him, but keeping it calm is the immediate best option. All I can do is support DD, SIL, and GS.

Just what DH and I needed lol ?

Oh dear DL.

I am so sorry to hear that. I am afraid that was my first thought when you mentioned your GS "needed to talk".

I am afraid the note she sent to your DD says it all. It paints a very clear picture of the girl. She will no doubt say she wrote it as a joke but it's far from it.

Your assessment of their possible future living arrangements, is probably the best case scenario but even so, pity the poor child. What chance does he or she stand.

She is 22 and should be an adult but clearly isn't. Your poor GS has indeed been very foolish but what you can say. The deed is done. What an unholy mess. Your DD and SIL must be so worried, it's good that you and your DH can support them but you must feel pretty helpless.

Sending you ?.

Well good progress in the garden yesterday, hopefully more of the same today. Planted some chrysanthemums I got from Aldi. Still feeling low so just keeping busy, one foot in front of the other.

All quiet here. Still nothing from son and DIL - still I guess nothing is better than the stream of abusive texts I got this time last year.

I'll just carry on, carrying on,

DiamondLily I thought that might be to case. But didn't like to say. If she is that flakey and shows it at ante natal the doctor may call in social services who will assess her and she may not be allowed to keep the baby.

If there is room for her and the baby at her mom's house there is no way she will be offered council accommodation let alone afford private rental.

My nephew had a girlfriend like that once but he wasn't silly enough to believe her and when she insulted his family he dumped her he was 22-23 at the time he is now 34. He has had a few girlfriends since but says he would rather be alone than deal with unstable women. He tried internet dating . Nothing normally shocks me but when he said woman had sent him pictures how can I put this politely of their private parts front and back. He had them front all ages. One 50 year old said she was glad he was a big man and like to be punished. And sent a detailed account of what she wanted. Modesty seems to not exist on the internet.

His poor parents must be at their wits end. Does your grandson work? Is he sure he is the father? You don't have to answer me I won't take offense as I know it's a private matter.

You are right they are better living apart. Hopefully things won't get any worse.

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, he does work, works hard, and earns a good wage - but nowhere near enough to supply luxury living in London.

I'm not entirely certain he is the father, as she seems to go "around the block" a bit, so I have offered to pay for a DNA test once it's born. I think he's the first bloke she's had who works, doesn't take drugs and isn't violent.

But, if he is the father, he needs to pay towards it, and needs to try to be a part of the child's life. It's not this child's fault.

The trouble is my GS is not brilliant with handling stress, he's quite emotionally immature, like most young men today. He just can't handle her dramas.

They were in a hotel once, and had a row. She said she was going for a bath. Next thing, there's pounding on the door and ambulance men stood there. She'd phoned 999 and said she'd taken an overdose. They carted her off to hospital, and it turned out she'd took nothing.?

She threatens to kill herself if he tries to break up with her. Constant, constant drama and attention seeking.?

I get on well with my GS, because I don't tell him what to do. Yesterday, DH and I listened to what he wanted, and, in the end, he came to his own decision, which is the way it needs to be.

Even his friends are telling him to run away fast. They can't stand her.

It's annoying because he's a good looking young man, has had some lovely, normal girlfriends, and then ended up with Miss Dysfunctionality.?

My DD is very upset, so SIL is taking her away for a few days for a chill. It's spoilt what should be a lovely time - waiting for the birth of your first GC.

I don't know, all we can do is the best we can with what we've got.

Thanks again.

Whiff - she doesn't want a Council place, as she doesn't want to mix with "lower class types".

A statement I found hilarious coming from an unbalanced, dysfunctional, alcohol abuser who's never done a stroke of work since she left school....??

Had to smile at the "Lower Class Types" living in council houses remark. .

I once knew a peer of the realm who did just that. Personal choice. He said it was a very economical way to live, affordable rent and fixed secure tenancy. He had a valid point.? and it didn't bother him a jot. Still kept his dog, still went shooting, hunting and fishing. Lol

Lol, I've been a social housing tenant all of my adult life. I never really had any urge to buy anything, even under right to buy.

I've lived in some really nice homes, and I've got a lovely home where I am.

It's for over 40's and was a Millennium project between a HA and a developer. We had to be assessed for it, and the rent is higher, in return for a higher spec place. Suits us perfectly now.

I've replaced the bathroom, kitchen and fitted out both bedrooms professionally, and the housing association are more than happy.

We pay our rent, claim nothing, bother no-one, and keep the place in excellent order. I don't regret a thing.?

I'm a bit tough around the edges, to be sure, but I'm not sure I'm a lower class type, especially when compared to her...??

DiamondLily she's that sort as my mom would say she's got a bob on herself.

I wouldn't mind if she looked classy - she most certainly doesn't.

I don't know who she thought was going to pay for all this luxury living, and what landlord of a nice property would want to touch her with a bargepole.?

Delusions of grandeur, but only on someone else's money.

Delusions of grandeur on someone's else's money......lol. I've met a few of those in my time.

Just been to Lidl. Stocking up on healthy stuff, fruit and veg mainly, milk, cream and a bit of fish. £18 and there's nothing there.......

Checked my energy account. Currently £280 in credit, that won't get me far next winter when the next round of rises kick in.

The next couple of years are going to be really tough, for all but the very wealthy, .....but for a single mum with no job, and no work ethic......she's in for a shock or is she just going to sit there with her hand out.