Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I am actually a trained beauty therapist. Amongst my other skills.....lol

So I can do most of my own treatments. And I do have pamper sessions, although not quite as luxurious as a nice salon session. ?

I have a number of massage gizmos and I do use them regularly. They are helpful but it's not the same as a proper massage done my a good professional.

I think my DIL was just feeling hard done by at the time because she does have regular salon/spa days. At the time the boys were just babies, she was still breastfeeding so obviously was struggling to find some "me time".

In the past I offered so many times to help out to give her some time off but she never took me up my offers. I do think part of it could well have been PND but she would strenuously deny that. To admit to PND would in her eyes make her a failure. She is a driven perfectionist and makes life very hard for herself. Unfortunately she makes life hard for everyone else too.

But, as I say, I am learning not to take it personally.

I don't want to "play the widow's card" ?? but I do think things would have been a lot easier if my husband were still with us.

It's the anniversary tomorrow, oddly enough I'm fine about it now. Sounds daft but I'm normally ok on the day, it's usually the two to three week run up that's the worse. Now I'm through that I know I'll be ok now. Tomorrow, I will buy myself some flowers, cook myself a nice meal, light a candle and raise a glass in his honour.

It certainly came as a bit of a shock hugs.

Her jealousy was evident from the beginning. Jealous of all of our relationships with ES. Jealous of his friends. Jealous if anyone was receiving more attention than she was.

It was causing problems in their relationship, especially his relationship with me and they did end up arguing about it. A few days later she came to see me and told me that because of her own upbringing, she hadn't understood or realised how close families could be. She told me she'd been jealous of my relationship with our ES but now she understood it, that was no longer the case.

She often said 'I love you' as we did to her because there was a time when we did. Not long after the aforementioned conversation, she said she'd wished I'd been her mother.

I knew her mother well before they ever met, in fact it was our friendship that brought them into contact so I knew about her at times very difficult childhood and their dysfunctional family.

She had experience of extended family Mandrake but a very dysfunctional one. She had experienced how they didn't and couldn't work, and seemed unable to be a part of one that wasn't dysfunctional and did work.

Sorry you're feeling low Allsorts and a (((hug))) coming your way.

Love those Bette Davis quotes DSL and Iamso keep em cumin.

Absolutely not high maintenance Madgran a treat as you say and one we all deserve from time to time.

I think we have to do that sometimes - stop with all the "trying" and realise, with some people, it's them that have the problem.

Nothing to do with her anyway - these ACs do make me laugh sometimes, with their illusions that life can only be about them.?

Your DIL would be horrified at me - I'm all hair done a lot, nails, spas, facials and massages - I like pampering. I can't cure what wrong with me, but I can help prop up the rest lol.?

All have a nice day. ?

Madgran. Yes you are right, we all need a treat now and then.

Just had a message from my friend, she has a stinking cold so we've postponed our lunch date. It's for the best, I don't need a cold as well.

As well as the caring years, I have since then had two major car crashes (neither were my fault) and then took a tumble when I was on board a ship crossing the Atlantic in a storm. ?. Add to that I managed to tear my meniscus walking on a cobbled street in Helsinki.

Maybe I should just stay home, . and not travel anywhere. I've always fancied a sky dive but with my luck it's probably better if I didn't. ??

I see you mentioned downsizing......does that mean you are coming round to the idea of moving. I know you are nervous and unsure but it does sound like it would be right for you.

I know it's the way forward for me. I have really struggled with the garden this week and just yesterday I looked at the shed. I am definitely going to need my trusty odd job man to help me clear that lot.

No new news on the house front, I just hope that the worsening economic climate doesn't affect anyone in the chain and the sale collapses. It wont be the end of the world, I would just have to put it back on the market and go back to square one. Oh well Que Sera and all that.

As for DIL. She's a funny one. Haven't seen hide nor hair of either of them in almost six weeks, no real communication then last night out of the blue she sent me a video of the grandchildren in the bath. You gotta laugh.

I don't know about sailing through life, she won't. She is making an awful lot of enemies. People are turning against her in droves and from what I can gather she manages to upset work colleagues with depressing regularity. She's just changed jobs again.......she's a very clever woman, works hard and is doing well I don't think she gets on well with the oriole she works with. They soon get tired of her.

It makes me realise that it's not "just me". I no longer take it personally, it's just who and what she is. I could be Mother Theresa and she would still find fault with me. She thinks I'm beneath her.

It's actually quite freeing in a way. I no longer feel any responsibility in trying to make our relationship work. I'm just doing my own thing now, I know she doesn't want me to move house but I'm resolute. A smaller, easier to maintain home, is exactly what I need and I won't be deflected from my goal. I want a different kind of life, in fact I want a life not to just to exist. I want to enjoy my life not be shackled to a house which gobbles up all my time, energy and money.

My DIL once accused me of being high maintenance because I had booked myself a massage. Not a relaxing beauty massage, a remedial massage at a sports injury clinic

Well actually I'm not sure why even a "relaxing beauty massage" could be considered high maintenance really, even if that had been what you were having DSL. . It's just a treat, and why shouldn't you have a treat!! ?

DSL, No wonder your joints are such a mess, like mine, but caring for your husband must have been so hard, I know how difficult I found it for couple of years. We don’t need this emotional baggage on top of everything else life threw at us.
I think of what my dad would say, look after yourself no one else will. If massages and treatments help I’m all for it. As with downsizing, don’t need the space and release some cash. Some people sail through life without a clue like your dil.

DerbyshireLass, I’m in the high maintenance group these days. A combination of age, inflammatory arthritis and caring responsibilities have led me to use savings to have regular massage. I’m booked in for physio next week.
My dad often quoted Bette Davis ‘ old age ain’t for cusses - but it’s better than the alternative’ was his advice.

Allsorts.

Bette Davis once said "aging ain't for cissies". How right she was. As well as all the physical stuff we have to contend with, there's the emotional burdens we carry too. And, as we know, our emotions can affect our physical health, stress, worry, sorrow all take their toll.

And, It can be relentless. We are never done, as DLs recent bombshell proves.

My DIL once accused me of being high maintenance because I had booked myself a massage. Not a relaxing beauty massage, a remedial massage at a sports injury clinic.

High maintenance, you bet.. The older I get the more high maintenance I become. Tens machine, Swedish massages (ouch) physio, Epsom salt baths, yoga.....it takes a lot of effort to keep this show on the road. ?

9 years caring for a quadriplegic husband wrecked my body, and DIL has the brass neck to call me high maintenance. You have to laugh. Clueless.

Anyway.....it looks like a gorgeous day. I'm off to see my friend for lunch later.

Hope you all have a good day.

Could your mil just have missed the moment and didn't mean to come over as dismissive of your feelings Madrake. I struggled as a mil although my Dil and I have got on from day 1. I made up my mind never to give advice unless asked, to go uninvited, her family were the people she spent her free time with. We have never had a cross word but she doesn't see me that much to be fair.
Feeling bit low again. I never thought getting older would have such problems.

What a shame mandrake. It doesn't sound like your comment was anything like a warming shot though.

To offer another perspective, I told my MIL early in marriage that I was struggling to understand how extended family worked (I never had one). That was an appeal for help and a hope to discuss ideas to help me learn. I was trying to share from the heart and she dismissed me entirely. I know now that isn't how she works (mutuality) but, in hindsight, maybe she calls that a warning shot. It could have been a bonding moment if she'd sought to understand and talk.

I was just thinking about you hugshelp and wondering how your got on; sounds as though you've had a productive few days.

The I don't do mothers and I don't share remarks were, in hindsight, warning shots weren't they? Of course they wouldn't have been recognised as such because, why would parents, who'd always enjoyed a very good relationship with their adult child, ever have reason to think that their was anything to be warned about? It would appear that their are several Miss Dysfunctionality's around.

Wow. The 'I don't share' remark sounds quite bizarre smiles.

'I don't do mothers.' is even worse DSL. I just can't imagine this mindset.

The horsey break sounds like a wonderful de-stresser for your DD DL

OOerr I say. I'm glad you're getting that garden erection sorted out Chewbacca

Sorry about the long headache SL

The garden party meeting the future inlaws was very nice yesterday.
Looks like our buyer finally got his finger out - various queries came from his solicitor today. Mainly asking for documents I'd already sent. Sigh. It's exhausting.

You'll be pleased that the tent's been taken down Chewbacca, no more clinging onto fences and negotiating guy ropes.

Yes, he's a gem. Dread to think what it would have cost to get the plumber out.

Afternoon all! My garden erection is being taken down as I write, thank goodness! Sounds like a few of us have been challenged by external factors this weekend! Smileless your on site "man who does" sounds like a gem; calling a plumber out is ££££s, so the bottle of wine was a bargain!

You have my utmost sympathy DerbyshireLass, the agony from a torn meniscus is awful; you just don't know what to do with yourself do you? The tens machine is my "go to" remedy as well but it takes time for the inflammation to subside and the pain to ease.

I feel so sorry for your daughter DiamondLily; she must be worried sick wondering what Miss Dysfunctionality has in store next.

Smileless2012

Oh Summerlove what a shame, hope you're feeling better today .

You're not kidding DSL a bloody huge flag with bells and whistles as it turned out.

Your poor DD DL. A short break away from it all sounds just the ticket. Your s.i.l. sounds like a treasure. Shower was fixed by 9.30 by Mike who runs the site on behalf of the owners. Very relieved he could do it or it would have meant calling out a plumber, so Mr. S. left him a bottle of wine and a thank you note in reception.

As you say Iam that's our adult children for you .

Glad you got it fixed so quickly. When I had a static van on the Isle of Wight, years ago, it was blood, sweat and tears getting a gas bottle replaced, never mind anything else.?

Yes, SIL, like DH, takes it all well.?

Oh Summerlove what a shame, hope you're feeling better today .

You're not kidding DSL a bloody huge flag with bells and whistles as it turned out.

Your poor DD DL. A short break away from it all sounds just the ticket. Your s.i.l. sounds like a treasure. Shower was fixed by 9.30 by Mike who runs the site on behalf of the owners. Very relieved he could do it or it would have meant calling out a plumber, so Mr. S. left him a bottle of wine and a thank you note in reception.

As you say Iam that's our adult children for you .

Im glad to hear that most had an reasonable weekend - with a few exceptions of course.

DH said the wedding was absolutely lovely. If a bit on the warm side. He was gone for about 12 hours. Me you ask? In bed with a headache all weekend. That will teach me to dread an event.

DerbyshireLass

My sister and family are in the new forest at the moment as part of her birthday treat. She's another "horsey" one. I used to ride aeons ago but a fall and a fractured shoulder put me off.

Hopefully a few days R&R will help your DD and SIL take a step back and de-stress.

We both used to love it, but I can't do it any more. I'm hoping for the stress to calm or it's going to be a long 7+ months.?

My sister and family are in the new forest at the moment as part of her birthday treat. She's another "horsey" one. I used to ride aeons ago but a fall and a fractured shoulder put me off.

Hopefully a few days R&R will help your DD and SIL take a step back and de-stress.

Chewbacca - that’s our adult children for you ?
If we are lucky, the still treat us like their parents and ours remains their family home. I hope yours removed his tent as promised

DL the hotel break sounds great

Looking at all the posts, I wonder what we'd all do for stress, if it wasn't for ACs/partners and GCs.. ?

DD was sobbing down the phone this morning, so I've calmed her and said we'll pop over there this evening.

SIL has booked them a 3 night break from Wednesday at a nice hotel down in the New Forest. It's got a spa and gym, so she can have sone pampering (and him).

She loves horse riding, and is a very good rider, so I asked SIL where exactly the hotel was, and have quietly booked her a 3 hour outride, through the forest, as a surprise, which she'll love. That should blow away the stress.

SIL won't ride, but he said he'd be happy using the gym (and the hotel bar!), while she's gone.

Hopefully, a few days chill will do her good, and I can hold any "emergency" (?) fort here.

CB - hope your erection in the garden doesn't get out of control...??

Smileless - hope your shower gets fixed.

DSL - some of these in-laws really are little manipulators.?

All have a nice rest of day.?

Smiles....hope no 3 is trivial....

Yes smiles. With hindsight. That "I don't share" remark was a huge red flag.

Similarly my DIL took me out to,lunch and then calmly announced "I don't do mothers".

I was a bit perplexed and wondered if she meant her mother, had they had a tiff. I didn't ask, maybe I should have asked her for clarification but you don't think at the time.

Then lo and behold a few weeks later she started with the abusive texts. So obviously she did mean me.....and she'd been stewing for a while.

Well I don't what I've done but my right knee (arthritis and old meniscus tear) and ankle (no idea) are giving me gyp.

I managed to limp to the local shop - literally and now I have dug out the tens machine and I'm just going to give that a try whilst I rest in the garden. Find a nice shady spot.

Luckily theres nothing I HAVE to do today. As my husband used to say "there's nothing spoiling".

And on the positive side I dont have to negotiate a huge erection on my lawn. ? Sorry Chewbacca, couldn't resist. ?