Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Yes Iam what are ^your opinions on hay lofts and their uses^.

Yes EAC and EPs should never be judged for needing a safe space to talk through issues.

Hay lofts ?

A psychotherapist friend works with children and adults who have experienced trauma. She uses EMDR but also has one dog and a number of horses who work with her
Three of my dogs helped me in my work with children who had experienced abuse and loss. Therapy takes many forms
There are poor therapists but I’ve known some good ones

I wish I could have had access to proper therapy. I did see a therapist but he decided I wasn't in a bad enough way for therapy and needed to distance from my family and seek counselling.

He was happy that I didn't have a personality disorder and I wasn't a danger to myself or others.

I don't know how I managed to be so resilient after emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

I think ive just created 2 people in my head and let the first incarnation of me be the abused one. Separate.

Maybe one day I can go private

Canine and equine therapies are amazing aren't they Iam64? There's a small holding near me who have a number of ponies, dogs, llamas and goats that are specifically used to work with children with special needs, physical and mental trauma and deaf and blind children. They seem to be instinctive as to what each individual child needs and it's wonderful to see the child's confidence and self assurance grow with each visit.

I remember when we first bought our little poodle home, about 2 years into our estrangement, and the change to the atmosphere in our home was amazing.

This little chap seemed to fill every nook and cranny with love. The love we'd felt we'd lost when we lost our son, so I totally understand why dogs are used, and be so helpful as a therapeutic tool.

That small holding sounds wonderful Chewbacca. What a wonderful and fulfilling job for those who work there.

My experience was dogs helped children relax into easier communication. I bumped into a 25 year old in Tesco. He called my name, hugged me and asked ‘ do you still have x dog?’ I’d last seen him aged 9.
Monty Roberts, the man The Horse Whisperer movie was based on, uses horses in his work with veterans. Monty doesn’t believe in PTSD. He has good success in his work. His life story is interesting. He saw his father, a law enforcement officer, kill a man. He watched his father and others use traditional methods to ‘break in’ young horses. He decided never to use violence in his life. His work with traumatised horses is amazing. No wonder he helps traumatised men as well

It’s important to acknowledge how difficult it is to get free, quality therapy in the uk.
The government concludes CBT is the best therapy and 6 sessions all that’s needed. CBT can be effective and helpful, eg with phobias but it isn’t the best therapy for all situations. I believe in the 6 sessions starting point and that can work in psychotherapy. Longer term therapy shouldn’t be ruled out, though the Woody Allen approach to long term psychotherapy rings my alarm bells.

I wish we had a government that would properly fund mental health services, including psychotherapy and play therapy.

I have chickens and they are amazing for my mental health. Mine are hand raised and friendly, so I can sit outside with them and they will come over. It is fun to watch them run around the yard.

I saw an article from the UK where they put chickens at a senior home and it helped the residents immensely.

Why would do some one follow what I say on one thread and answer it on this one? I think I know why it is. No wonder people are taking a break.

Oh dear

I have cats and they are terrible for my mental health.

They are all completely neurotic and weird. 3 of them adopted, 2 old and 2 young who we have had from kittens but they weren't socialised.

One of them hasn't met a door she wouldn't like to be let into or out of every 5 minutes.

One is allergic to everything and needs a lot of care, dribbles and snores.

One has a piece of string she carries around the house making the most bizarre yowling noise because she wants you to play... which would be fine if it wasn't 3am

One will try to murder you when she is done being stroked, or you moved slightly or you looked at her funny.

I spend my whole life arguing with them and if they could talk, they would tell you I am bonkers. They would be right but it is their fault.

Bad brain fog and fatigue atm so just a quick wave from me. L8rs.

Why would do some one follow what I say on one thread and answer it on this one? I think I know why it is. No wonder people are taking a break.

Who's done that Allsorts? That's in breach of GN posting guidelines and so should be reported so that it/they can be dealt with.

Quick wave back at ya hugs.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

So I just looked at posting guidelines but I do not see anything about this being against the rules.

I know previously there was something written about not having a thread about a thread, but this is not that.

I assume I am missing a specific rule, can someone show me where it is?

At best it was passive aggressive vs and, in itself, "not a very nice thing to do" as it's clearly upset another poster who's here for the same reason as the rest of us; kindness and support. It's not just you who needs that.

Oh, sorry Chewbacca you have taken things I have said across threads so I just thought it was OK.

I will certainly be more careful in future that I don't upset people when they ask me about whether I am a capable of being a good parent after sn abusive childhood.

Thank you for your help resolving this

Threads meander. Topics get changed. For 3 years now that I have been here, we have all had discussions that end up across multiple threads.

Now that I know that is not allowed, or at the very least passive aggressive and not very kind, I will be sure to do my best to shut down any meandering on threads. Especially ones where people are looking for support.

It's not really me that you owe an apology to; it's Allsorts.

I don't owe Allsorts an apology for doing my best to kindly and patiently answer a question Chewbacca

Chewbacca

Canine and equine therapies are amazing aren't they Iam64? There's a small holding near me who have a number of ponies, dogs, llamas and goats that are specifically used to work with children with special needs, physical and mental trauma and deaf and blind children. They seem to be instinctive as to what each individual child needs and it's wonderful to see the child's confidence and self assurance grow with each visit.

When I was bringing the kids up, we had a virtual menagerie of animals, as ex and I were both animal lovers - everything from snakes and ferrets, dogs and cats, through to ponies.

Great for teaching children how the cycle of life works.?

But, we used to have a constant stream of neighbourhood children in our house.

Some of them had unhappy home lives, and it was amazing how much obvious joy they got from just being with animals. Some used to sit for ages just cuddling and talking to them.

It was all good until one little darling let all of the rabbits out of their respective hutches and pens.

Rabbits being rabbits, they promptly got into doing what rabbits do best.?

We had so many baby rabbits after that, it was like a surburban version of Watership Down lol ??

Violet I never said you were harming your own little family as you put it. I will not get in a discussion with you but it is untrue. Please do not direct any more slurs at me. I will not read your posts or respond, do I do not know what you have said since.

Thank you Chewbacca.

Good job I started this thread early while the other thread was filling up. I amazed we are on page 3 already. Only just caught up with the last 2 pages and the end of the other thread.

All who come here are after the same thing . We are all different and had and having different life experiences. But we all want the same thing someone to talk to about about how we are feeling. Not just about estrangement but whatever is going on in our lives. I know for me reading the support thread enabled me to PM Smiles and because of her kindness and understanding after months felt able to post openly.

Those who where abused as children in any shape or form it's horrendous and unfortunately in this day and age it still goes on. But people can find help and support from others who have suffered the same.

As I have said my dad was physically abused but he would never call it that . It was his father and stepmother didn't spare the rod. He was beaten so badly he had a hole behind his right ear and was deaf in it. Plus he was malnourished. Dad protected his siblings and took the beatings to protect them. But his dad and stepmother did have one really good point. My dad's youngest half sibling was born with downs not called that in 1950 . While it was common practice in those days for disabled children to be put into homes. He was loved and cherished by his parents and siblings. That's probably why he lived until he was 57. Disabled children weren't give proper medical care in those days. And aged 50 he was found to have been born with a hole in his heart.

Because of my mom dad found out what a real family was and his siblings. Because my mom made sure they all had what was lacking from their own parents.

I talked to my dad about his children but he said that was his past and you can't live in the past you have to live in the now and for the future . It's like his experiences in the army. He disapproved of people having campaign medals he would never claim his . I asked why and he said we where at war we did what we where told to protect people who couldn't protect themselves and to preserve our way of life. Medals for bravery where earned . What we did we had to . He hated people who talked about what they did to the enemy . He would only talk about funny things and would never talk about things he had to do. It was only after my daughter was born and talking to my husband he admitted he was stabbed when I asked where he said Cairo . It was months before he said his back. Dad fought mainly in Indian and Burma but did get parachute into Naples during the plague . No parachute training just hooked up and as they where pushed out of the plane told to bend their knees when they landed. But again he wouldn't talk about what he saw.

Dad would not let what he experienced as a child or in the army define who he was as an adult and would not dwell on the past. It was gone and dwelling on it would not change anything . Unfortunately he's brother could not let his childhood go and was an alcoholic but he was still able to work ,marry and have 4 children but he died in his 50's.

Both my parents where brought up in poor families and all their working lives never earned good wages. But because my mom always saved since she was 14 and started work they brought their own house after living with nan and grandad for 3 years.
My brother and me where rich in love and attention not just from our parents but extended family. My dad's dad died not long after I was born. He had been gassed during the 1st WW . But we went every Saturday after doing the shopping to both sides of the family. Only his stepmother and Uncle P lived in the house but their was usually one of dad's siblings there as well. After leaving special school he went to a workshop where they made things to sell for the charity. And he had what he called his wages. So we went to the local shop for his comic and sweets. We did this from when went we first started school. But uncle P knew his way to the shop as it was only a few doors away. In those days there where shops in most streets people would use a front room of their house and set up a shop usually a greengrocers,grocers or haberdashery.

Even if there was counseling in those days my dad wouldn't have wanted it . Because it was past and didn't impact on his life. Both my parents helped others where they could. Dad was in the St John's ambulance brigade for 30 years and only left when they had a new leader who was paid . Dad and all like him didn't think he should be paid as everyone was a volunteer. So they left. Not long after the branch closed due to lack of volunteers. Dad had a very strong view on right and wrong .

My husband was brought up without any love or given the attention he need . He joined the scouts and that gave him an escape and a different sort of family. He like my dad found what he had been missing when we meet or should I saw brought. My brother was in the scouts and my husband said to my brother get your sister to go out with me and I will buy you a pint. In fact he brought him 2 so my brother sold me for 34p as in 1975 was 17p a pint.

Our life experiences shaped who we are but it doesn't define who we are . While our past can effect our present dwelling on the past means we don't move on . If you can't move on then perhaps you need professional help. I don't mean it has to be a therapist but there are a lot of self help groups set up to help eachother. I know Facebook has some closed sites just for people who have problems that they can share with others who have gone through the same thing . I would never go on Facebook but once I had my diagnosis I got in touch with the rare disease society and they told me about the HPX society. Only people who have got it or are parents of children with it are allowed on. Because it's a closed site I feel safe there and have learnt a lot about it. Plus seeing videos of what it does to babies I now understand what my parents must have gone through with me . At least babies and young children showing syptoms can get tested and receive treatment to help. There is no cure for it. And people like me are finally being able to be diagnosed . But it took me moving home to get a new neurologist who didn't know what was wrong but put me on a tablet to stop my limbs jerking and seizures. He didn't know if it would work but it's like a switch has been turned off. Still have all the other problems but not having my body out of control has made my life better. Both parents where carriers for the gene mutation. But if they where alive today I wouldn't tell them it was hereditary. As that would have hurt them and that would have been cruel .

People on the other part of the thread have complained about us calling our estranged children names and some who have left got very nasty about it. But as I have said before estranged parents and estranged adult children see things differently. There are some who have experienced both things. So they can see both sides. But still don't understand why their own child,children or grandchildren estrange them. A poster who left said I had to know why my son estranged me and I don't. He has always been able to talk to me and they way he did it was cruel and cowardly via email and letter. We didn't bring him up to be cruel and cowardly. He was a loving and caring son. On my birthday he had to have know what he was going to do 4 days later so why did he give me such a wonderful time and why talk about putting paving down to make my garden safer . But told him I would get someone in as he was to busy. Then wham the email.