Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Whoops moment of confusion, 2 support threads at once.

Hope you find the new one sparkly

To be honest, adding to my busy brain, I am not really wanting or needing to talk about estrangement much these days but I want everybody to have a safe space to do so when they need too and that seems very worth some of my time.

Hope you are also having a good day

10CC recorded their albums in a recording studio near me Smileless. Think I've still got one of their vinyl albums somewhere. They really were very 70s/80s evocative weren't they!

I wanted to share some more things about my mother as that dreaded narcissist label lol but it might help someone.

The thing is her need to be superior in all situations.

Everything has to be about her. She has no ability to really listen to others, to be one with them... she is just looking for her opportunity to relate whatever they are saying to herself and use that to one up them and make them inferior.

If she could possibly find something in your experience that she could relate to herself in a different way (because she would feel differently and she cannot allow you to be an individual) that shone a negative light on you or made you feel wrong and guilty for sharing she would. To invalidate your feelings and bring that attention back to herself.

If she couldn't relate an experience to herself she would simply change the subject to something she is interested in talking about.

Most of us have a normal level of empathy and can relate to each other in an empathetic way to show others we understand what they are dealing with or going through. Often that means a mutually beneficial conversation, where we learn from each other and mirror each other and can make each other feel stronger. If we can't do that, empathetic people just listen and validate anothers feelings. Empathetic people may not have experience of what caused your feelings but they can see your feelings are real and difficult for you.

A narcissist cannot do that. Your feelings and experience are only worthy of consideration if it validates theirs completely. If it doesn't they will shut you down by any means necessary.

So if you are ever are in a situation with a person causing problems for you or your family, look for that superiority. That need to be seen as top dog, most important, almost God like in their need to control you and every situation they find themselves in. To control the conversation, to ignore your needs and feelings and to make it all about themselves. Then you know what you are dealing with.

Hi Sparkly saw your post on the thread that's just reached the maximum 1000 posts. It's amazing when I think of how many 1000's of posts there's been over nearly 10 years.

I'm so proud of this thread, for the friendship, advice and support it's provided over the years. Good friendships have been made here some that have stood the test of time, just like this thread.

I digressed what I was going to say Sparkly was keep that flag raised, stay strong and be proud.

Oh yes Chewbacca very evocative. I remember sitting on the school playing field, a big gang of us all with our little radios during that long hot summer and listening to that one.

It was number one for weeks and if we ran, we had just enough time to hear it being played for the number one slot and get back into class for afternoon registration.

Those were the days, when I could run.

Thank you VioletSky and well done and well said.

I understand very well all the hard work you will have done as I've made a similar journey myself.

I think if people haven't experienced trauma they can not really understand the lasting damage done and how pervasive its negative effects can be on a persons whole life.

Comments like ,'It was years ago, can you not let it go?" I think you may be overreacting. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as that... etc" are not helpful.

Many of our generation were traumatised as children.

Here are two resources:

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk ( and general dysfunction )

An excellent Youtube video about this topic by Bessel Van Der Kalk.
The body keeps the Score' There is also a book and an audio book with the same title. Very informative about the effects of trauma and how to heal from it.

youtu.be/53RX2ESIqsM

You're right with what you say about experiencing trauma Philippa. It stays with you forever.

Phillippa hello, good to see a new face.

Thank you for saying that.

I am actually suddenly a bit tearful about watching this as I have been reading his book and I never thought to look to see if he gave any talks!

I will watch it and get back to you.

The book really would be beneficial to anyone with trauma, explains very well how physical symptoms can manifest from emotional trauma. It's just quite sad reading about the cases he has worked with.

I will finish it soon.

Smileless2012

Nice to see you hear Granniesunite.

10 CC does it for me every time. Isn't it funny how you can hear a song you haven't heard for years and yet you can remember all the words!!

So exactly how old were you when you started your misspent youth DL?.

Smileless. Well, I worked part time in a riding school from 14, because I was always out horse riding.

The smell of leather, haylofts and thundering around the countryside brings out a certain zest for life lol ??.

Can't ride now, but still love horses.

But do you still like haylofts DL? .

Have your new sofas been delivered yet?

Smileless2012

But do you still like haylofts DL? .

Have your new sofas been delivered yet?

Yes, I still like haylofts and leather lol ?. Dunno if I could climb up one now though, and the old man definitely couldn't lol ?

No sofas yet, but I have a tracking device, and we are the next drop, due at 3 ?

Just got to hope they fit in through the doors now.?

Allsorts I think it might help you to understand why I still talk about past trauma if you watch the video Phillippa posted that I am watching now.

He explains why it is important to talk about it, because it retrains the brain not to internalise negative messages about ourselves and not to have the physical responses to it.

An example of this is every time my mother hurt me before I was estranged, I would have severe IBS because my body remembered the past traumas too.

You see, those of us with traumatic childhoods were taught to keep it a secret by abusive family members.
Then society teaches us that talking about it is somehow shameful too and people have the view that you are damaged and broken.

If you are brave enough to talk about it, getting negative feedback can send you right back into that trauma. Not talking about it prevents healing.

But there are always going to be situations in life that trigger those memories and because we are so busy keeping them secret, we feel all those feelings we felt when the trauma was happening and that makes it difficult to engage with the present.

When you start talking about it, it is hard, feeling all those feelings again. I was lucky enough to do that with a trained professional in a relaxed and safe environment.

But something interesting happens when you stop keeping secrets and tell the truth. You realise how wrong it was. You can distance yourself from it. You can look back at the child or adult you were that experienced trauma as swperate to who you are now and know it wasn't their fault and they should feel no shame or blame for things that happened to them beyond their control.

The more you tell the truth, the less your body reacts to situations that remind you of it and the more you can live in the present.

So that is why telling any trauma victim to "move on" is the opposite of helpful. When you could help them by listening, saying nothing at all or just recognising that they need a safe relaxed environment with others who can help them realise that its OK to tell the truth.

Derbyshirelass - we both married the first time at 18, enjoyed mis spent youth, pop music hits and helped out in riding schools. Wonder what else wehave in common

Well if you do have anything else in common Iam we all want to know.

1am64. I think you meant diamondLily not me. ?

Hi DSL glad you found the new thread, page 2 already.

DerbyshireLass

1am64. I think you meant diamondLily not me. ?

So I did, sorry,

You will never get over trauma and mental abuse given out to you as a child. People who say get over it don’t know what they are saying. Of course they don’t know.
When you achieve something congratulate yourself.You deserve it. Especially if you were made to feel nothing as a kid.

Fernbergien

You will never get over trauma and mental abuse given out to you as a child. People who say get over it don’t know what they are saying. Of course they don’t know.
When you achieve something congratulate yourself.You deserve it. Especially if you were made to feel nothing as a kid.

Maybe not, not really

But we can and do live a full life and love the people in it well, that's for sure

It has been my experience that normal 'talking therapies' allowed me to have a better understanding of why I had the responses to life that I had...and those included agoraphobia, claustrophobia, low self esteem, extreme anxiety to the extent that I couldn't drive anywhere near my childhood area... all for about 20 years. But it didn't deal with alleviating the symptoms of PTSD, from which I was suffering and had been since childhood

It wasn't until I did trauma recovery work at a trauma centre, especially started to help trauma survivors, that I understood that no amount of talking could take the body memory/reactions away.

I found a fantastic therapist, who specialised in helping trauma survivors. He practiced EMDR, Sensory Motor Therapy and the Comprehensive Resource Model therapy and it was only then that things improved and I got my life back. I also began meditating which has been a constant support.

I went from being hardly able to leave the house some days, to flying to India on my own, several times. I can now happily drive past my childhood house without being triggered at all. I have a mostly happy and balanced life now. I am so grateful!

Healing from trauma IS possible . I would encourage anyone to do it.

That's a great positive post Philippa. You've obviously worked really hard to have the life you have now and are a great role model as well as an inspiration. .

Pillippa111
Thanks for your post. I was fortunate in not being abused by my parents. My work life meant I was in constant contact with children and adults who experienced parental/career abuse. I have a number of close friends who were abused as children. My abuse was from a family member I’m estranged from.

I know many people who healed from trauma. EMDR is practiced by psychotherapists I know. It’s amazing.

Phillippa I did a visualisation technique, I don't know what the specific name for it is though. But I had to visualise myself as a child and tell her all the things she needed to hear then.

I am so glad you were able to overcome so much

Just because we talk about rhe abuse we suffered in childhood does not mean we are dwelling on it. It has become a part of us and we all talk about our pasts to varying degrees.

I don't understand the thought process behind "leave it in the past" or even why someone who is not me is so concerned with my talking about it. Especially online.

I have suffered multiple miscarriages. It is in ny past and to be honest, I have no regrets because I have 2 amazing children. But I still talk about it because it may help someone else going through the same thing.

Our past is part of who we have become. None of us wake up every morning and say everything that has happened in the past should stay there so I am never going to talk about it again. We tell stories, good and bad. We share our experiences with others. We do not need therapy because we do these things.

Iam64

Derbyshirelass - we both married the first time at 18, enjoyed mis spent youth, pop music hits and helped out in riding schools. Wonder what else wehave in common

I don’t know - what’s your opinions on hay lofts and their uses lol? ?

Of course not imaround and the same goes for those who have been estranged talking about their experiences.

Our past experiences have in part shaped the people we are today. We've no need to be ashamed, especially when it's the actions and behaviour of others that have impacted on our lives.

Therapy can and does benefit some and I think doing things benefits us all.

I had one miscarriage after our boys had been born. To have had multiple before a full term pregnancy must have been particularly traumatic and it's good that you can talk about them. Your personal experience is invaluable to someone who is struggling to come to terms with their own experience.