Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Was typing while you were posting DSL. Looking back, you must be so thankful that you were able to spend so much time with your DH. Being able to rent that bungalow must have been a blessing. What a great arrangement.

For many, a relative going to a care home or nursing home produces feelings of guilt even when you know that they can no longer manage, and/or it isn't safe for them to be there.

I remember my mum crying when my gran eventually went into a care home. She'd always said she'd rather be dead, and made mum promise it would never happen but unfortunately there was no other option.

She spent the last 6 months of her life there and all the stress and anxiety she'd been experiencing just fell away. Not worrying about paying bills, what she was going to eat and keeping her home up to spec had become increasingly stressful and she no longer had to think about any of it.

We visited her as often as we could which meant someone would go at least once a week. We got to know those who had been literally abandoned, who never had a visitor and it was so sad.

DL I agree with Allsorts....at least you know where you stand. You know your DHs children will not step up to the plate. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

I have now taken this approach with my son and DIL. I will be pleasant and I will keep the channels of communication open, but I expect nothing. I know they will never be there for me. They are too self absorbed, unreliable and flaky. They don't cherish me. Oh they might pay lip service but that will be all I get from them going forward. They just don't care.

I kept my promise to my husband to "look after the boys" but what can you do when one of them throws it all back in your face. I am stepping back and letting go.

No doubt I will still see them occasionally but it will always be when they can spare the time. ?. I will receive them and make them welcome but that's it, I won't be investing my time and energy trying to have a close relationship. That ship has sailed........

I still love my son but I am withdrawing from him. He's just not the man he was, I hardly recognise him. I'm not going to continue to give my heart to someone who will trample on it, even if that person is my son. I will concentrate my love and care on those who love and care for me.

DSL we deserve better and they should know better.

Very true, Smiles.

Hey ho, we just have to make the best of a bad job. I'm nkt going to waste my life any more, wishing and hoping fir something that will never be. Just going to build myself a new and better future, a new me and a new life.

Shift the weight, get healthy, move house and start again. Put the past behind me. Carry my husband in my heart as I move towards new horizons.

Time for some fun and adventure before I'm too old and decrepit. ?.

And if they don't want to share in the fun, well that's their loss.

Best idea. ?

I've stopped sweating a bit, so I'm feeling slightly more positive and less ratty with various assorted relatives.?

I still wish they'd all just behave, but I can't make them, so I'm just jogging on with doing a day at a time.

Miss Dysfunctionality has decided she wants a "gender reveal" party and a baby shower, (she's only eight weeks pregnant lol). She assumed we'd pay.

DD and I disabused her of that notion.?

So, now we've all been threatened with estrangement.

I said to my DD that we must be the first people ever to land up estranged from (what is at the moment) a peanut size blob of cells.?

Much more of all this and I'm going to do a bloody spreadsheet of who's talking to who and who's estranged from whom.?

This is going to be a long seven months..??

Miss Dysfunctionality has decided she wants a "gender reveal" party and a baby shower, (she's only eight weeks pregnant lol). She assumed we'd pay.

DD and I disabused her of that notion.?

So, now we've all been threatened with estrangement.

That is ridiculous!! ???

I suppose I shouldn't laugh, but it's getting a bit bizarre.

All this drama, but she doesn't seem to realise that we have enough adult dramas going on, without taking on another over a foetus.

I'm just not engaging with it at this point.?

Hi all. Really tired today but had a little read of all your news. All I can say is the selfish entitlement of some AC astounds me but you all seem to be handling it wonderfully.

DL. Good idea not to engage with the nonsense. Discretion is the better part of valour and all that.

This was the approach I took last week for my sisters birthday bash, I knew I couldn't bear to spend an afternoon in DILs company so I didn't attend. (My sister knew my reasons and fully supported my decision).

Discretion won over my wish to celebrate with my sister and see our extended family and mutual friends. . Turns out it was a wise course of action.

Today I took my sister out for a belated birthday lunch. She made some shocking revelations about DILs behaviour at the party. However, I am truly not in the least surprised at the car crash that took place.

Apparently she upset many of the guests there. It is only due to their politeness and respect for my sister that things didn't get really out of hand. As it was it did put a bit of a damper on my sisters day. Fortunately my son dragged DIL off early in the evening and then the remaining guests could enjoy the rest of the night.

Its as I've have said "give her enough rope". She alienates people and makes enemies wherever she goes. I doubt my sister will invite them again.....so once more my son and the children are paying the price for her unpleasantness.

As difficult as it was to hear, I am glad my sister decided not to shield me but to tell it as it is......it helps me decide how I should respond when she starts worming her way back. When she starts "hoovering" again.

I shall be walking a tightrope......balancing how to protect myself from her whilst trying to keep things on an even keel so my son and grandchildren have a safe haven. Because, as sure as eggs is eggs, they are going to need one. Now, with this latest crop of revelations, more than ever, I really do feel that I cannot abandon him. The revelations are just going from bad to worse. People have been shielding me, but now they are speaking up.

My sister spilling the beans like that not only keeps me in the loop, it also validates my thoughts. It's not me or my imagination. I'm not seeing bogeymen where none exist. I'm not losing my marbles. Gaslighting IS gaslighting.

From what my sister told me about things my son had let slip it sounds like the scales are beginning to fall from my his eyes. He's still stuck between a rock and a hard place but at least he's beginning to see things as they really are.

Reality is finally rearing it's ugly head. It's not nice for him but facing reality is his only chance to protect himself. I just hope he hasn't lost the ability to stand up to her. I am concerned, my sister said he looks terrible. But until he reaches out there's nothing anyone can do to help him.

DL. Your GSs girl sounds very immature and unstable. As too is my DIL. I don't hold out much hope for either them or their hapless partners.

My son and your GS are like lambs to the slaughter.....but the worst casualties will be their poor defenceless children.

Good grief DSL I don't know what to say. It's a good job you weren't there.

It shows how much better off we are not to be embroiled in it all but knowing that our AC and GC are, is heartbreaking.

There's a line from a brilliant channel 4 film called 'Secrets and Lies' DL "you have to laugh or else you'll cry". Sometimes it's one or the other.

We do OK don't we hugs. Actually we do better than OK.

You're right, it's heartbreaking. But there's nothing we can do.

Hugs.....we do alright. I am learning to think about my needs now, putting the effort in to improving my health,

I had a lovely lunch, healthy choices (well healthy ish), just one glass of wine, no desert, very restrained, hopefully not too much damage to my diet. ??.

Heathy ish is good DSL.

Just a quick hello. Got back home yesterday late evening. Had a wonderful time and got to know my sister in law's dad really well. Only met a couple of times by before. Had a brilliant time . Now to get the washing done. Always clean my home before I go away like to come home to a clean bungalow. Garden needs attention today.

Take care everyone and will catch up soon. ?

Welcome back Whiff. Good to know you've had a wonderful time. I always make sure our home is clean and tidy before we go away, much nicer to go home too but there's not much you can do about bringing washing home is there.

A nice morning here and hoping the weather stays fine for our 'party on the green' which starts at 1.30. We've bought our gazebo so there'll be 3 which should be enough if the weather lets us down.

Apparently there's going to be karaoke don't know if I'll be joining in depends on whether I feel like making a fool of myself.

DL - you're right. At times, you can only stand back and pick up the pieces. I'm not getting drawn into a battle about an 8 week pregnancy - later on, it might be different.?

SL - do the karaoke - my dulcet cockney voice can clear a room lol, but (after a few glasses), I'm always game.??. My party piece was "It's Raining Men"....?

Whiff - glad you had a nice time.

All have a nice day.?

Actually 'It's Raining Men' is quite tempting DL.

Smileless2012

Actually 'It's Raining Men' is quite tempting DL.

It might be, if you can sing.. and I can't lol ?

Enjoy the party anyway.?

"raining Men" is a great karaoke song, . Have fun smiles. . My party piece is "Wuthering Heights". But I have to be "in drink"??. My voice is terrible so it usually raises a laugh.

Whiff. Glad you had a good time.

Son sent me a text inviting themselves round tomorrow. I will be gracious. ?

I've been looking at cruises .......can't wait to get this house off my back and start travelling. I'm toying with the idea of buying somewhere I can just have as an investment, just to keep a toe in the market. Then let it out and bugger off.......??.

Ah yes, 'Wuthering Heights' now that definitely requires a or two to get rid of any inhibitions.

We did a few cruises years ago and loved them, anything in particular caught your eye? We always opted for smaller ships, partly because I have no sense of direction and I think Mr. S. thought on a large one, he might spend the entire time trying to find me.

When we had our villa in Florida and were there, he often had nightmares about me getting lost in one of the parks, even though we were always together so would insist on us having a specific meeting place in case we got separated. We never did.

Well that sounds like a plan, providing of course that if you do bugger off, you don't bugger off from here.

Wow so many posts to catch up with .

DiamondLily how can she know the gender of her baby . Scans are done at 20 weeks as she is only 8 weeks pregnant the only way to have a scan that early is to pay or if she has had problems with other pregnancies.

DerbyshireLass you have kept your word to your husband unfortunately your eldest son does not care what keeping that promise has cost you. It's bad enough your darling husband suffered for so long surely he must have seen what what you and he went through. And now he and his wife now are making you suffer with their behaviour . How much suffering do they think one person can bare before you either fight back or say enough . Thank goodness for your younger son and his girlfriend.

Your daughter in law's behaviour at your sisters party words fail me .

My son saw how much his dad suffered and was with me and his sister when he died. His dad would be so upset and disappointed in him over this estrangement. I could blame it all on my daughter in law but it was my son who wrote the email and letter. He is my child not her . He is strong willed and was a loving and caring son . I will never understand why he has done this. But he choose to do it not me.

In life we all choose how we want to live our lives and how we treat people. I treat people the way I want to be treated. If people are nasty I can be nasty back if I want to be. Very rarely have I been nasty. But never to family and friends who I love and care for.

With me what you see is what you get. I don't lie as with my memory problems I tell the true and would not remember a lie if I told one. Plus the fact I can forget what I am saying half way through a sentence and repeat myself several times and don't even realise it. At times my mind goes blank it's called brain fog. At least I now know it's not me being weird but the HPX. You would think have a diagnosis after waiting 34 years while it's a relief to know it means I have more questions than answers . But know understand what my parents went through when I was a baby and small child they must have been terrified. My love and admiration for them both is overwhelming.

It's only after my son's email and letter that my daughter and brother told me things they had hide from me for years about my son and daughter in law because they knew how much it would have upset me. That's love.

Our estranged children and older grandchildren see things only one way their way. To them they are the injured parties innocent victims of their parents. When in fact they are the ones who have tried,convicted and past judgement on us and sentenced and delivered our punishment. Well that's how I feel. And I didn't even know I had committed a crime.

At least a criminal has a right to defend themselves and face their accusers. I could have sent the sort of email and letter my son sent but I am not cruel or cowardly. If I have something to say I face that person and say it. Haven't lost my temper since my husband took his last breath. He was a bugger and we both have tempers and are stubborn. Sometimes I think he picked a fight for the make up sex. Our disagreements where never about important things just stupid silly things. How I miss those days. ?.

I remember when my nan went into a home my parents didn't want her to go as they wanted her to live with them but the doctor's said she needed nursing care. She didn't she just needed looking after. The only care she got was all the things my parents could have done. My mom visited 4 times a week her sisters took the other 3 days. That's why I could never put my mom in a home . I knew I could look after her better than any home I even gave my mom injections. It was bloody hard especially when the dementia turned my mom violent. But she was my mom and I loved her.

I never gave up on my mother in law and I hated her. But she was family . Without her and my awful father in law I wouldn't have had the wonderful man in my life and our children.

Why is it our children take the easy way out? Then blame us for their actions? I often wonder what my son and daughter in law say about me to family and friends. Do they say I dumped them and they have no idea why I have nothing to do with them?

Anyway enough of that.

Train journey to Lincoln went well . Had travel assistance which I always have when I have luggage with me. 3 changes going all went smoothly and one coming back. I can know picture where they live. It's a lovely village and got to know my sister in law's dad really well. Of course the Aggie didn't forget me but instead of just doing a wee outside when we met she lay on her back and as I stroked her tummy weed on my hand. ?. Went to Lincoln cathedral is it's very beautiful and went to a drive through ice cream shop on the farm it was made. Never knew there was drive through ice cream shops. They took me all over . And friends of theirs who I know and lived a short walk away came over one night . It was lovely to see them again . Had a brilliant time and the move was what they needed . New life and new home . They have plans to extend the kitchen and my brother was digging up the back garden it's huge. They have an allotment as well. Went veg picking for our dinners . I firmly believe this move has extended their life spans . I know my brother's and his father in law's breathing problems are so much better. My sister in law now has to go out in a wheelchair for long distances.

This will make you laugh when we went to the cathedral it was £9.50 per person or £7.20 for over 65's as my brother is my sister in law's carer he was free. He didn't tell us until we where having a drink and some cake. The woman must have thought we where over 65 wish I had known at the time the cheek my sister in law is 60 and I am 64. But we don't look our ages. ?.

While I had a lovely time had a pain flare which I am used to but it effected my legs and the only way I could get my left leg to go forward was to flick it. Even concentrating on making my feet face forward didn't work this time. Thankfully I was back to normal yesterday. I am phoning my neurologists secretary tomorrow to see if he has done the support letter for my PIP appeal and will mention it. I am not worried as there is no point as it's the condition but it's odd .

Sorry as I rambled on as usual and not commented on all your posts. But my mind is all over the place this morning.

Take care all. ?

Sounds as if you've had a great time Whiff, despite being weed on by Aggie. Lincoln is a beautiful city. I've never heard of 'drive through ice cream shops' either, I wonder what they'll think of next.

Let's hope that there's something your neurologist can do to support your PIP appeal. It's best to mention the pain flare, you can never provide too much information.

Well we had a fabulous time yesterday. The weather held, there was a terrific buffet that everyone had contributed too and despite starting at 1.30, the last of us headed 'home' at 11.00.

Great atmosphere and after a couple of I sang 'It's Raining Men'.

Whiff - no, she doesn't know the sex. She had a private scan, which confirmed the pregnancy but not the sex.

Apparantly, gender reveal parties are not revealed by the parents now.

The idea is that both mothers of the parents, go to the hospital, (by prior consent), and are given a letter with the gender on.

They then arrange a party, when they reveal the gender to parents and guests, and are expected to host (and pay) for it lol ?

She also wants both her mothers (foster and biological), my GS and DD in the birthing room, with DH, SIL and I in the waiting room..??

DD and I have said "no chance" so it's all gone to a kick off again.?

Her demands are many and varied, we're not playing ball, and now we're back on being estranged.

I've had more involvement in 4 weeks from one foetus than I ever had with my GCs development lol

Jeez. On we press.?

Smiles - well done lol ??

DiamondLily: "The idea is that both mothers of the parents, go to the hospital, (by prior consent), and are given a letter with the gender on.

They then arrange a party, when they reveal the gender to parents and guests, and are expected to host (and pay) for it lol

She also wants both her mothers (foster and biological), my GS and DD in the birthing room, with DH, SIL and I in the waiting room.

DD and I have said "no chance" so it's all gone to a kick off again."

Why is she attempting to tell you (and the 2 other mums) to hostess a party? Where is your son in this? Really, he's in charge of all things between himself and her - as they relate to you.

Just decline politely. Simple really.

I find it all rather odd TBH. Gender revealing parties, just looks like an excuse for a party and I love that it the soon to be GP's are expected to pay.

Fortunately for DL this is her GS she's posting about, not her son Norah so at least this is something she can step away from.

This young lady looks as if she has a lot of growing up to do before she becomes a mum.