Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Dotcom funerals are part of life. There are only 2 things we know in life we are born we die. The rest we muggle through the best we can.

This may sound awful but it's what happened. The funeral before us over ran . We sat in the car waiting when I think it was me who said dad would hate this as he hated to queue and we laughed. But he did . It's like I told the funeral director not to drive slowly. So we went at the speed limit. My husband was a speed demon how he never got a speedy ticket I will never know. We are atheists so had non religious funeral and no flowers . If people want them that's their choice but to us they are a waste of money . We asked for donations if people wanted to give. We gave the cancer ward over £5,000. My mother in law didn't like the no flowers and wake but it's what we wanted. His last Christmas we talked about his funeral as we knew he hadn't long. He said just do what you want . The funeral director talked about him even mentioned the old gits drinking club as I named his Friday nights out. He was the youngest the 3 others 15+ years older. But we didn't cry which was a good job as people came from all over the country.

The children went out with friends because that what they needed and I wanted. Then I cried . For him but also for the children and me. My present and future and the children's died with him. The children had a whole new life ahead of them and I let them go and live it. But I couldn't live the life I wanted as I had parents and mother in law who needed me.

We all have to make choices in life some we don't want to some we do. I could have followed the children once they left home for good. But I have never been the sort to shrike my responsibilities. And I was needed. So I stayed.

When my dad died it wasn't until his funeral I broke down. When he died there was to much to do and mom couldn't cope. But remember looking at his coffin and thinking it was way to big for him. My daughter had written a beautiful piece about the picnics mom and dad took all the grandchildren on. She read it with tears running down her face.

Mom's funeral I again was broken hearted . But my mom had died long before her body had dementia killed her . But I looked after 24/7 at my home. My choice I couldn't put her in a home even when she became violent. She was my mom and I loved her and knew I could take better care of her . Proud of the fact she never had a sore on her body. Unlike my brother's ex mother in law who was in a home. So I did the right thing .

Mandrake if I had a choice I wouldn't have gone to any funeral except my husband's. Funerals are hard enough but it's other people who can make or break a funeral. That's why I didn't want a funeral but my daughter does so she will have her way. It's her choice and I respect that.

My mother in law refused to go too her own grandchildren's weddings she had no excuse. Wild horses couldn't have stopped my mom.

DerbyshireLass you are still in what I call early years of berveament. That's what I call the first 10 years. Unfortunately in my experience I miss my husband more as the years go by the grief doesn't get easier you just learn to cope better. But have wobbles. Because I had been with my husband since I be was 16 had to do a lot if firsts on my own and that's hard but I had to do it. I promised him I would. The promises I made him I still keep to this day because they are important to me.

Moving DerbyshireLass will give you a new life a better life. It's what your husband would have wanted. And no matter how old we get we can still learn new things and experience new things.

Moving for me gave me a new and better life cost me my son and grandson's but that was his choice. I live no longer exist.

And yes I know I have said this all before but as you know by now I ramble on. But that's me in real life.
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Mandrake. Ongoing support definitely.

If you can offer that then you are doing more of a service to the bereaved than the people who show up to a funeral and then disappear off the face of the earth.

DSL, it sounds like your BIL is quite self-centered and not that interested in family. Definitely his loss!

I'm getting to where I feel I could think about going to a funeral again, even if I have to medicate to get through it. I might not have to though. I will if I can, but I think offering support on an ongoing basis after the funeral has a lot of benefit as well. Especially since people tend to disappear after the funeral.

Dot....those pre funeral collywobbles are awful but as is so often the case you may find it is better than you fear. Funerals can be cathartic.

With my husband we decided to make it less about loss and more a celebration of his life. It was actually quite uplifting, a few tears but lots of laughter and shared memories.

Yes I will bounce back. I have always been more Tigger than Eyore. ?

No criticism of you Mandrake or anyone in your position.

My BIL has no such excuse. He is just an arrogant p...k. It was just an excuse. He did "do" my fathers and my mothers funerals. In fact he arranged my fathers, one with full military honours so a lot of arranging.

No the simple truth was he was envious of my husband, so he took his petty revenge and jealousy by not supporting me and my sons (his nephews) - not through my husbands long illness nor subsequent death. Conspicuous by his absence.

And in the years since not once has he offered any support or encouragement to my boys, not even so much as a quick pint and a bit of man to man down the pub. These were young men who had lost their father and who would have benefitted from a father figure. Decidedly lacking in the uncle/mentor department. There's no estrangement that side, he just cba, he's just selfish.

His loss. Like my narc father BIL is now reaping what he has sown, he is a very unhappy man, miserable with his life choices, and of course blaming everyone else. It's always somebody else's fault. But people are wising up to him.

Having brought up the subject of funerals am hoping it didn’t cause too much distress.
But feel it’s good to share our experiences and feelings.
At the moment I am getting pre funeral collywobbles.

You’re bound to be feeling low as the anniversaries are edging closer, DSL, and it’s awful.
As you’re such a positive person you will bounce back.?

The garden is enjoying a drink, speaking of which so do I.

Have a good weekend ? watermelons are on me?

I don't 'do' funerals anymore either. It's not because I don't want to but due to PTSD. I just can't deal. I'm not sure it would be fair to go if I can't keep my emotions under control. The funeral is not about me, so it seems best to keep to providing ongoing support outside the funeral service. I'm sure it's hard to imagine and it probably seems very selfish to those who aren't in my shoes.

Oh yes it's often all about them.

Both my father and my BIL refused to attend my husbands funeral. My BIL just said he "didn't do funerals" and my father didn't attend because he was a narc and he couldn't bear not being the centre of attention. I was deeply hurt, especially by my fathers attitude. My husband was always very good to my father and he didn't deserve such massive disrespect.

Anyway the anniversary of his death is just over a week away.....its one of the worst milestones of the calendar year. I am feeling low and fragile but determined to keep to the plan. Just putting one foot in front of the other. About all I can manage right now.

It's also now a year since my son and DIL estranged me and although we are (sort of) reconciled again I still feel very vulnerable. All trust is gone. And it's been another 4 weeks since any contact from them. It will be my sons birthday next week - will I see him, or will I once again be kept on the back burner. No idea. Once again I await their pleasure.

But not for much longer. The lady IS for turning. Just get this house sale out of the way and then I will be making radical lifestyle changes. And my new life will most definitely not entail hanging around waiting for a few crumbs from them. Are they in for quite the surprise.

They think I am no longer relevant, of no importance or value. They will find out that there IS life in the old dog yet. The fire in my belly might have been reduced to a few smouldering embers this last few years but it's still there, ready to burn as brightly as ever. All it needs is a bit of oxygen ??

I wont be cutting off my nose to spite my face, I shall be open to maintaining contact but I will definitely be stepping right back and leaving them to it. I intend to be far too busy rebuilding my life and having some fun again. In fact I am making a start already.......

Today my youngest son and his partner are taking me out for a belated birthday lunch and tomorrow I am off to the cinema with a friend.

My buyers are having a survey done on Monday so hopefully the house sale is going through ok. Meanwhile the decluttering continues. With each bag and box leaving the house, I feel a huge weight lifting from my shoulders.

Onwards and upwards......

Have a good weekend. ❤️❤️

Morning everyone.

Our ES is still in touch with his brother, the only family member he has contact with but he did contact his uncle, Mr. S.'s brother when he learned that his paternal GM had died.

He told me at the wake that ES had been in touch, asking the date and time of the funeral. His uncle told him he didn't think it would be a good idea for him to go, he agreed saying he just wanted to know so he could think about her.

I didn't want our ES to know when mum died, although he'd have known any way as she lived just a few doors down the road from him. I knew DS would tell him and would never have asked him not too as that wouldn't be fair. Our estrangement has been very upsetting for him too, and he has to know that he's free to do and say what ever he's most comfortable with.

Telling the family member whose decision it was to estrange after the funeral is a good idea Mandrake and my preference but it's very unlikely to happen in our case.

So for us, if there's a death in the family our DS tells his brother. But what happens when one of the EAC's parents' dies?

I've heard of EAC going to the funeral of the parent they estranged and can't imagine how hard that would be for the surviving parent and the rest of the family, especially if they'd been estranged too.

Your post made me smile Whiff. When the mortgage interest rate went that high, I suggested Mr. S. 'put himself out there', suggesting he went down to the docks.

Sounds as if you dodged a bullet there DL but awful that you knew you'd have to be on your guard on such an upsetting and difficult day.

That is sad Yogin, a funeral with no mourners. We were all very impressed with your diplomatic skills especially the use of water melon.

Well, would you believe it's raining here, just as well we'd only planned to go shopping for supplies. Doesn't look as if we'll be having a BBQ tonight so I'll have to get my thinking cap on

I can see where there is a bigger family circle that it would be impossible to keep the information from the one person you maybe didn't want to tell. This wasn't the situation for us as the connected family was very small and not close anyway. Telling MIL in the end was nothing more than an after thought, and the thought to tell at all didn't come from her son.

In our case, my DH and stepson were estranged, but his son and DHs brother weren't.

Stepson hadn't seen his uncle for years, but they weren't estranged in the full sense of the word.

DH was very close to his brother, so, obviously, he wanted to go to the funeral.

Stepson decided he wanted to go as well.

It was totally awkward, uncomfortable, and tension filled.

If someone estranges the whole family, then I guess funerals and weddings wouldn't be a problem. But, often, estrangers just estrange some, and continue to talk to the rest.

I think it can be okay for the funeral to be "all about them", depending on who the 'them' is. If there are minor children who are first degree relatives of the deceased (child, sibling) then it's best that any difficult estranged relatives are kept away from the funeral, if they are not capable of keeping to themselves and out of the way. If they're properly estranged then it's unlikely they'll hear of the death anyway. I know I spent such a funeral fully focused on what the children present needed. Thankfully the only relatives of concern lived far away and weren't told till a month later.

Thank you Dotcom

A student of mine told me he wouldn't be at class the following week as he was going to the funeral of his cousin. He & his wife were to be the only mourners. When I saw him the following week and asked about the funeral, he told me that he and his wife had covid so didn't go to the funeral, so his poor cousin had no one there, how sad is that

Thank you Allsorts Smiles & Whiff If only Whiff re the water melon. There really shouldn't be wars in this day & age.

You sound so happy in your lodge Smiles sounds lovely and perfect for your doggies, must be nice to know if you decide to downsize again, you already have your homes.

I had so much stuff in my last house. 3 tribble wardrobes in my bedroom, managing now with just 2, I also filled the spare room wardrobe and half my son's before he returned home, unbelievable!

Recently I had my diagnosis after 34 years waiting to find out what was wrong with me. As I was born with it I let my daughter and brother know and gave them copies of the letter my neurologist sent . As they don't have symptoms they can have their blood genetically tested like mine was. As there is a possibility they could be carriers. I also sent my son a text to let him know I was sending him a letter and not to send it back unopened as it was a health matter. So sent him a short letter with a copy of the letter. Just said hope they are all well. And how to get tested. Said I loved them and he knows where I am if he wants me back in their life. I had a week from hell expecting the letter to come back unopened. Very glad it didn't just hope he has seen his GP to ask to be tested.

My health got worse when our daughter was 4 and he was 6 months. Don't know why I thought he would be in touch with a short text at least you know what's wrong mom. Would have shown my son was still there. But nothing. I had decided 2 years ago if I have to have an operation or die he is not to be told. My family and solicitor know my wishes. He has proved he doesn't care whether I live or die. By his silence .

He may be able to switch off being my son but I am still his mom and grandmother to his sons and there's not a dam thing he can do able it. How it must annoy him and my daughter in law.

As said before our estranged children think they are the perfect parents news flash no such thing. Like our estranged children think they are the perfect children. I could have easily written an email like he sent me but I am not cruel or cowardly. Anything I have needed to in the past and present I have said to people's faces.

I had decided to not have a funeral and just a cremation. Not intending to die anytime soon. But I like to plan and get things done. So told my daughter but she said no she wants a funeral. So I said ok I will pay for it now. And she said no . I was to keep my money and it was her responsibility when I died but I wasn't to die for at least 20 years. I try to keep as healthy in mind and body as I can I aim to do that.

Both child brought up the same . One cares one doesn't. But I am very proud of both couples and what they have achieved as they have all done it on their own. With my husband dieing 18 years ago I have never been able to help them financially. What they have got they worked for. So we did something right.

Woke up this morning thinking about my parents. And what they must have gone through with me being born with this condition. I am a member of a closed Facebook group who have the same condition. As it's rare and the site is world wide their aren't that many of us there in the scheme of things. Some have posted videos of what happens to their babies and young children. Seeing those made me cry to think my parents had to go through that and they couldn't help and I know I was taken to doctors and children's hospital a lot . My poor mom and dad where told it was growing pains and when I kept falling I was clumsy.

But all the tests I have had done since 1988 nothing showed up. At least I know why as it's only detectable by genetic blood testing. I am not the only one who had to wait until they where in their 60's to find out. I am just glad babies can be tested and start treatment to control the major symptoms. There is no cure. But you can still have a good life just different.

My husband knew there was something wrong with me when he asked me out. But he didn't care. Shows what sort of a man he was. He always said he knew I was damaged goods ?. Remembering that makes me smile. Remember when the mortgage rate went to 15% he said it's no good you will have to go on the streets but 50p a time won't go far. I thumped him for that. It's funny how talk of funerals have sparked these memories. Shows my mind works in odd ways. But that's me.

Have wonderful hols those who are away. And take care everyone . Today is a new day so think of happy memories and they will make you smile.?

* Namsnanny*

It's awful, isn't it? Funerals are bad enough with everyone talking, let alone with rows and estrangement's joined to it.

I did it the best way I knew how, which was to remove us as soon as we politely could.

I quietly watched my stepson. He was drinking very heavily, and he's a "nasty" drunk, so I could see it kicking right off with my DH. ?

I really think people can be so selfish, dragging their grievances into things like weddings and funerals.?

Not everything is about them.

We have an agreement that MIL will not to be told of a death in our family until after the funeral, when the survivor has the space to let them know. She has removed herself so completely that this is not unfair.

Chew baca, What a good idea, I just hope there is room for the rest of us, I've already got a turkey to put on the BBQ.?

Thanks Allsorts, it's only a long weekend in the Lakes but I'll bunk up with Mr & Mrs S for a few days to make a fortnight of it!

BNQ!!! BBQ of course.

Sounds as if they'd have go on rather well Whiff.

Quick wave 'back at ya' hugs.

Thanks Allsorts got off to a good start with a BBQ. He may not always be on top form when it comes to turning on the gas, but when it comes to a BNQ, he's the tops.

Enjoy your holidays Smileless and Chewbacca, Madgran away as well.
Whiff that holiday you are planning will be fantastic, something to plan for.

When I was first estranged I was full of bitterness and resentment and used to wish my mother got some sort of cosmic justice. I soon realised that wasnt healthy for me. Now i wish her whatever health and happiness she is capable of. Especially where it might negatively impact other family members.

I'm not sure about karma, what would a child ever do to deserve growing up in an unhappy or abusive home? Who would ever really wish estrangement of any kind on future generations of children?

With the funeral, I'd have a plan in place before hand. Enlist a strong friend to run interference. Someone I know who is estranged from her mother, had her mother turn up at hospital while she was giving birth. Friend successfully ran interference amd kept the estranged mum away from the birth suite. It works really well in already stressful situations.

Enjoyed reading everyone's news. Just a quick wave tonight, but thinking of you all.

Smiles that's something my husband would have done. He would swear blind he had done everything right then find he had forgotten to switch it on. The time he couldn't find the car keys. I said have you left them in the car. After looking everywhere you guessed it they where in the car door after locking it he didn't take them out.?.

Bacardi and coke that's a blast from my past. Got drunk on those when I was 18. Never drank it again. Other blasts brandy and babycham, martini ,larger and lime and party 7's. Cheese and pineapple hedgehog,sausage on sticks,birds trifle and angel delight.

Nams that sounded a nightmare. Funny when we are younger everyone mets up at weddings and a sign of getting older you met up at funerals instead.

I have promised myself in 2 years I am going to have a holiday. Haven't had one since 2005. Gives me something to look forward to.

Enjoy yourself with your friends Chewbacca . Beautiful part of the country.