Repairing estrangement

Allsorts. My daughter decided to stop speaking to me 18 months ago , not really knowing the reasons why , and I’ve broke my heart over it so many times , trying to understand the reasons why because all I know that I feel I’ve been a pretty good mum , I’m not perfect, but then no one is .
That said, after buying her a beautiful birthday present with no reply , then I’d decided in writing a lovely little note , but still no reply , then last Christmas I’d wrote a beautiful personal poem on the card I’d send her , also along with a two page heartfelt letter , saying that I love & miss her terribly, that I’m sorry if I’d upset her ( even though I don’t know what it’s all about ) asking if she could talk to me to sort things out the problems she has with me , I wrote that short letter from the bottom of my heart , I did think that as it were Christmas that she would ‘ soften ‘ — but I were very wrong ? .

So, this year I decided to let it all go ,to put it all behind me best that I can , as I’ve had enough hurt & heartache as also lost my long term partner , to last me a lifetime . I decided I can’t change the past , that I can’t change how my daughter feels about me , that nothing in the world can change things , so , need , for my own sanity , to let go and move on . The last few words in the note I’d sent my daughter was “ my door is always open “ , I can’t do anymore than that .

When this first happened to myself, I thought I were the only one this happened to, as in my family we were brought up to talk things through , and to be there for one another . But being on GN and reading posts about estrangement has helped me so very much knowing that I’m not alone in this heartbreaking situation. I love my daughter dearly , I have always tried to be the best mum that I can , we had always been good friends and been there for one another ,she is a good decent person in a good job , so why she has estranged herself from me I will never know , only she has the answer to that . But , as I’d said , I need to put it all behind me now and make a life for myself as all the hurt has brought me down for long enough .

You say that you don't know what you have done. But also mentioned this

I was accused of things I hadn’t done but obviously she sees it differently

So she has tried to communicate some grievances.

I think also agree with Sara regarding your response to ViloetSky. What she said seemed very measured and fair.
There is no quick fix here that can be offered.

I just wanted to say, I think you are being a bit harsh on Violet, I think she offers sound advice, a lot can be learned from looking at the other point of view.

Sorry, pressed button by accident!
I’ll be back later

Allsorts. You were not wrong to post.

Clearly you are in great emotional pain and whilst I have no constructive advice I just wanted to send you my best wishes.

Not knowing where you have "*gone wrong" is a particular kind of torment. Maybe one day you will get answers, maybe you will never get to the bottom to the root cause of your estrangement, especially if your daughter refuses point blank to even discuss things with you.

?❤️

Allsorts
I can tell how upset you are feeling, but I don’t rhink

Allsorts...you did NOT make a mistake posting, my heart goes out to you, im in exactly the same situation as you and I really don't know what the answer is, but would welcome posts from those who have experienced this situation and if they managed to heal their estrangement.
Please feel free to PM me anytime ?

Violet I found your reply very patronising and judgemental. Did you read what I had said. If I don’t know the problem, am I supposed to make something up? I am vulnerable already ir I woukdnt be reaching out. I am willing to take all the blame when I know what I’ve done. My pride is nothing compared to reuniting. Please do not respond to my posts. I feel bad enough. I won’t read them. I made a mistake posting.

Allsorts I don't think apologising would work if you don't understand or agree with what you are apologising for.

It might open a door but it would be a door to a conversation about her experiences and perceptions of events and unless you are able to meet her at least half way I don't think you would get anywhere.

As much as she could remember things more negatively than they were, you could be remembering them more positively than they were.

You would need to make yourself vulnerable and completely lower your defences and listen, she would need to do the same. The difference is, her defence is estrangement and she knows that. You need to find where your defences are to lower them and reach out from an honest place of understanding.

Have you tried counselling?

Oh Allsorts how heartbreaking for you. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I have no advice as such, but you are in my thoughts