Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

That's so sad Maddyone . I'm so sorry for you and for your sister, and I don't blame you for coming to that conclusion.

The things my siblings and I have gone through make it impossible to have a close relationship. Everything is superficial because they have secret lives that the parents don't know about. I have started to do the same. They are more closely bonded to parents than I am and live in fear. We all do a bit. Its probably trauma bonds rather than love, anyway.

I’ve got a sister, but she was very damaged by her upbringing and now suffers from severe mental health problems and is also alcoholic. She did go completely no contact with the whole family, not just our mother, for seven years. In that time she had a complete breakdown (set off to kill her mother in law with a knife in her hand) and then received two years of treatment by a psychiatrist. She appeared to recover and made contact with the family again, but after her husband died, she deteriorated again. At this point in time I’m not in contact with her because of the vicious texts she sends and the way she behaves. A relationship is no longer possible with her.

Sara1954

Violetsky
I would have liked a sister

I have 2 but one was adopted and another grew up in another country

I would have loved to grow up with a sister

Violetsky
I would have liked a sister

Please never feel guilty, it's widely understood that emotional abuse is just as damaging as other types of abuse now. I've had all the types and I think the emotional abuse by my mother damaged me the most and was the hardest to finally see and overcome

We had the same mum, shame we didn't get to be sisters!

Don't feel guilty. Yes many people have endured worse, but it doesn't invalidate your own suffering. We have all suffered different things in different ways, some that we haven't talked about.

I think the worst parents have got to be Fred and Rose West or people who kill their kids.... but still, in order to process things we do need to talk about them so don't feel guilty.

OnwardandUpward
I always feel really guilty whinging about my childhood, because so many people have endured so much worse.
We were at least fed and clothed, and nobody beat us

Aww all of those things are neglect, really sad. Mine was pretty good with those things because she was always concerned with keeping up appearances to others, but it was the emotional abuse that crippled me more- and no one seemed to notice that.

For those of you had both physical neglect and emotional neglect, I am so sorry. You deserved so much and got so little. I can't even find the right words, but am so sad for you.

VioletSky
A lot of your experiences mirror mine, almost every subject was out of bounds, I didn’t know about periods, a kindly headmistress explained it all, and convinced me I wasn’t dying!
So many things made me feel ashamed and a bit disgusting, perfectly normal things, like as you have said, deodorant, hairwashing, I used to go to a friends to wash my hair, or if she was out, I’d wash it in the sink with washing up liquid!

The problem is that as children we knew there was something different about our mothers, but didn’t know what it was. I grew up thinking her behaviour was normal even though I knew other mothers behaved differently. It takes a lot of time to finally realise what’s going on, and in fact it took most of my adult life.

I remember being young and going to friends houses and just thinking I was bad and that's why I wasn't loved like they were. Just little things like, mum writing a shopping list and asking if they needed anything and them saying, I need deodorant and sanitary towels...

My mum didn't even tell me about periods, she didn't buy me deodorant. She didn't buy me my first bra. All those subjects were taboo. I actually stole my first bra because I was bullied at school, I stole one of her razors so I could shave my legs. I used her conditioner because she only bought me shampoo and my hair needed it. All things I thought made me bad when she lost her mind at me, not her for neglecting me.

My dad was also good to me, it does help.

Maddyone
I had the same experiences, gradually I realised my mother was different to other mothers.
Some families had fun together, laughed, hugged, put themselves out for each other, and my friends mums were welcoming and kind, and some of them were very kind to me, and seemed to tolerate me always hanging around.
Like you, my dad was kinder.

Thank you Violet, and you’re correct of course. I’m just a bit annoyed with myself for not understanding the problem before. I just knew that things weren’t right and my mother was the reason. But then again, I started to know she was different than other mothers as a child. At ten years old I’d worked out that other mothers were kind and caring towards their children, whereas my mother wasn’t. I did have a lovely dad though and he loved us children very much.

OnwardandUpward your therapist was right. Children of narcissistic mothers are abused.It’s emotional abuse mainly but can be physical abuse too. I think I’ll never heal or have peace until mother is no more. I recognised that long ago, even though I’d never heard the word narcissist, or if I had, I presumed it just meant love for oneself, which it is, but in actual fact it manifests itself in all the cruel behaviours that our mothers engaged in.

Thanks Sara1954 you're so right. I've tried not to go NC, but Im LC...

I was told in therapy that I was abused by a narcissist. I think many of us were.

I copied and pasted this in case its helpful :-

Female narcissists exclude other women who they perceive to be competition: whether in social activities, praise, attention, or even just basic respect. If you are encountering a female narcissist who seems to go out of their way to be vicious toward you, recognize why. It’s not because of your lack of worth, merit or power - it’s because of it. You threaten them and they rely on dimming the light of others in order to gain any semblance of shine. You deserve to be included in circles that nourish and support you - so only include those who have the empathy and energy to do so. In this context, exclusion from toxic people is a gift.

I hope it helps someone. The truth hurts, but it can also help us draw a line and make sense, in order to move on and heal. x

maddy it is never too late to take your power back

Unfortunately I didn’t have any knowledge of any of this, including what narcissism is, when I was a younger adult, and certainly no knowledge when I was a teenager and she started the horrible comments. I thought that she was cruel, a very cruel woman, because of the way she picked on me. I couldn’t understand how a mother could behave in that way towards her own daughter. I wish I’d known and understood what I know now.

From the "I never said/did that" to the word twisting "you meant this/that" when you meant nothing of the sort.

As soon as you see that happening you know you are dealing with an abusive person and they are trying to destabilise you so they can get away with it. When you eventually blow up, they send out the PSA to anyone who will listen about what a horrible person you are...

It's not even that intelligent really to gaslight someone even though they feel very smug about it

Gaslighting is fascinating

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470

Thank you VioletSky now I understand what gaslighting is, it’s lying. Well my mother must have a first class degree in gaslighting as she’s spent her life lying to me and to other people.
So I don’t know what her deliberately ignoring me is called, but I know she’s playing games because she let my sister know, who does absolutely nothing for her except talk to her every day for about an hour on the phone, but she didn’t let me know. I think their relationship is toxic. My sister’s son is a doctor and he has said his mother is narcissistic. So I’ve got two of them to deal with.

So if mum tells you she did tell you or that she asked someone else to tell you when she didn't, that would be gaslighting

Sorry the link looks so odd, it does seem to work OK

Here is gaslighting explained maddyone

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/gaslighting/#:~:text=Gaslighting'%20is%20a%20strange%2Dsounding,of%20reality%20is%20not%20right.

What is gaslighting? Is this gaslighting?
My mother (94 years old) went into hospital last Friday for constipation and a mild water infection. She had demanded that the paramedics were called on Friday evening. They could find nothing wrong so decided to take her into hospital to see if the medics could find anything. She was happy and chatting when she went according to her carer. She let my mentally ill and alcoholic sister know, although she lives some 250 miles away. My sister then texted my daughter in law know and then my son asked if I knew. She didn’t let me know even though my husband and I are the ones who visit her in the care home, who sort out anything she wants and take it to her, and are at present sorting out her flat and selling it for her. We sort out all her finances for her, and her business stuff and repair anything required. Despite this mother chose to not let me know she was going into hospital and then didn’t reply to my text. I have been in touch with the hospital every day and been reassured that she’s not seriously ill and will be home soon. I haven’t been to visit her as I assumed that since she didn’t tell me she was going into hospital and didn’t answer my text, that she didn’t want to see me, or more likely, punishing me for visiting her less frequently (as advised by Gransnetters.) I put in my text that I respect her desire to be left alone but will go to visit her when she returns to her care home.
Is this gaslighting? Is her ignoring me gaslighting?

I agree, it would be an episode of gaslighting and crazy making...

Onward andUpward
I think you would not only upset yourself, but it would be a total waste of time to confront them.
I’m sure that they probably think it’s all down to you, unlikely they’ll change now.