The shame of being estranged

I am estranged from my sister & her 2 adult children. No regrets, no shame. We are totally different people, nothing in common, she has made it clear that I am “not a nice person” & her elder daughter has sent abusive emails. For this reason it is best that we have no contact, it is nobody’s business except mine. OP do not feel shame about this, you must look after yourself. I certainly feel better for cutting off contact & I don’t feel the need to explain myself!

I am estranged from my only sibling, a sister. This has been for the last 3 years. My brother died about 10 years ago. It was her choice. I feel a huge sadness about it and have tried to repair our relationship on several occasions but sadly my sister is not interested. I hate not getting on with people and would do anything to re establish our relationship. I have a lovely family and DH and lots of good friends but it still leaves a painful hole.

I think you shouldn’t put up with abusive family members, just because they are family. Suesocks, I would have done the same, she sounds envious of you, the cheek of your niece.Mumofmadboys, it’s her decision, goodness knows why if she hasn’t said, but the balls in her court. I do think it takes on a new dimension, which we tolerate more when it’s your child putting up with the unacceptable but for too long. Tge outcome the same.

HarlemShuffle

My parents cut me , their only child, and their grandchildren, off without explanation many years ago.

My DDs and my DH know, and one friend. Otherwise, I keep my shameful secret to myself.

It seems quite common for children to take the initiative and estrange themselves from their parents, but I've never found anyone who has experienced it the other way round.

My MIL cut us off.

Sadly I’m estranged from my 2 brothers. My only siblings. It helps that both live abroad. One is particularly toxic. Doesn’t bother me. I only tell people on a need to know basis. I don’t feel any shame just relief that I don’t have to see them. I never think about it.

I can't help but feel a bit of shame even though I have not got a clue as to what I've done to my estranged son. What bothers me is wasting time - since my parents died I can't believe how much I miss them (even though my mother was very difficult) I'd give anything to be able to talk to them now and every day I think should I try to fix things, I have tried and been ignored but should I keep trying

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 8 years. To begin with I was ashamed and that was largely due to thinking we were the only ones.

When I realised how sadly common this is and there were other parents who had done nothing to deserve this treatment, the feeling of shame disappeared.

It can be awkward at times for example when you meet someone and they ask how many children you have and if you have GC. To begin with I'd say one son and no GC to avoid being asked anything else. Now I say 2 sons and 2 GC but we don't see them because their father estranged us.

Estrangement is an alien concept to most people, for whom blood is thicker than water - and a blessed relief to a minority who feel little attachment to their family. Neither group is wrong.

My father, a Geordie, walked out on his family circa 1930 and moved to London to find work. He never went back. No cards, no letters, nothing. He made a successful marriage, had three sons and we have all done well, albeit one died a few years back. Ignorance of our paternal grandparents made not a jot of difference to us as children, still less as adults.

We only get one kick at life's ball. If your family, or elements of it, drive you mad, there is absolutely no shame in cutting the cord. If they do the same to you, then maybe you were too powerful or successful a person for them to relish. I regard those qualities as positives. Be the person you need to be, and if others don't like it then they can lump it.

"Be the person you need to be, and if others don't like it they can lump it" Amen to that olddudders.

I found this thread very interesting as I understood 'Estrangement' to being away from AC's or GC's, not siblings. I, recently, have decided to 'detach' myself from my siblings. Over the years there has been conflict, particularly with one member who is extremely jealous towards everyone - even to the point where she commented on the fact that her next-door neighbour had bought a new mop bucket! Her favourite word is 'hate'. - hating it would seem anything and anyone. My other two siblings - well - one is full of resentment - she made bad choices as far as her ex husband is concerned and spent most of her life as a single parent. I tried to help as often as I could (I don't live in my home town but some distance away) but she resents me for 'doing well' - I made better choices. The other is just so interfering all the time and it's difficult to have a conversation without her giving her unsolicited and, most of the time, insensitive advice. This one is a blamer and blames everyone for everything. I'm exhausted by it all. I am not saying I am an angel, none of us are, I just cannot stand the toxicity anymore. Friends who I have spoken to about this, who know me very well, have all said that I must detach myself from this. So new to the 'Estrangement' club but really don't know how to handle it. Fortunately I live a long way away from all of them and seldom go back to my home town which is where they live. Some hints and tips would be appreciated on how to deal with it as it does play on my mind.

If you really feel that you can no longer be involved in a relationship with your siblings Newatthis I suggest that you tell them that you're ceasing all contact and wish them well in the future.

The silence can be deafening if they continue to contact you and you simply don't reply. Much kinder IMO to tell them what you're doing, with or without explanation, rather than ghosting them.

I can see both sides smileless. I recognise it is unpleasant the silence, but some toxic people wouldn't listen and it would never be their fault anyway. Some people always blame others rather than look inside at themselves as it's too painful.

I agree with Smileless. I think it cowardly just ghosting. Tell people briefly why you are severing contact, that your tired of trying and are drawing a line underneath, you won’t reconsider, so if contacted you won’t reply. That way everyone knows where they stand and why.

I agree Knittingnovice but IMO whether or not the decision to estrange is accepted, to simply go quiet, ignore/ghost someone is cruel and cowardly.

If you need to estrange and are unable or unwilling to say why, the least you can do is tell the person you're estranging that your relationship with them is over.

Cross posts Allsorts; you put it better than me

If you need to estrange and are unable or unwilling to say why, the least you can do is tell the person you're estranging that your relationship with them is over

I agree

I have never felt shame, I have only ever felt relief.
It would be true to say that some people fail to understand, but that’s their problem not mine.
The only thing I find a bit awkward is trying to explain it to my grandchildren, in their world mothers and children love one another.

I agree with Smileless, which I actually do more often than she might think.

I believe it is always appropriate to tell a person why you will no longer be in a relationship with them. If they can't/won't hear it, that is on them. I am always VERY careful to not to gossip or blab to parties who may have a mutual interest. If someone asks I will simply say that we do not have a relationship and move on.

I do have a sibling who I do not have a relationship with, though it was not an intentional estranging. She is much like my estranged mom, we are many years apart and have nothing in common. She only ever calls me when she needs/wants something. Once I started saying no, she stopped calling. OK bye!

I understand the shame one would feel, no matter if you are an EAC or an EP. It is very difficult for much of the population to understand the position both groups find ourselves in. People just do not get it if they haven't experienced it.

I feel no shame. I estranged to protect my children. The only person who needs to be right with herself is my mother for her choices.

Must admit I have never felt shame when my son decided last year he didn't want his mother in his life. As far as I am concerned my son and daughter in law should hang their heads in shame all the lies and vile things they have said about me.

I know I am a good mom , mother in law and grandmother plus a good person. I have nothing to be ashamed off.

If I was the person they make me out to be then my daughter and family, plus other family and friends would have nothing to do with me. Plus since moving I have made more friends.

I never thought of it until reading the last few posts but you are all right, there is a massive difference between ghosting and estrangement and I've just realised that I have been ghosted. Funnily enough over the past few weeks I have been contemplating whether or not to send my (estranged) son another letter (I've sent them before telling him that he's broken my heart and I hope he's happy) letting him know that I accept he does not want me in his life but could I just have an explanation as to what I've done. My middle son has asked him in the past why he doesn't speak to me and he said he can't give an answer. It's so hard (tears starting now) because I don't even think I want contact any more because his wife has changed him so much, his opinions, his outlook even the things he eats and I know we probably wouldn't get on but I love him so much, he used to be my little angel who wouldn't leave my side, we used to spend hours together laughing, playing games, watching films while his Dad worked shifts. What do you think I should do?

Elless, obviously I'm just one opinion and mine might not be the right one. If you do write to your son I would leave out any of the emotive stuff. Not that your feelings are wrong or to be dismissed, it just comes across as emotional blackmail or martyr-ish. If I got something like that from my MIL, nope all the way. I would be more likely to respond to something that says something like, "I know you have your reasons for not contacting me but it would help me to know what they are." Not demanding anything, just an honest, unemotional, accepting question. If others disagree I'm sure they'll weigh in, this is just my perspective as someone who hasn't had contact with my MIL for 15 years. I would respond to something like that.

freedomfromthepast I agree that not only should you tell the person you're estranging that you are estranging them, which our son did, you should also tell the why, which our ES didn't do.

As you've posted, unless you've experienced either being estranged or being the one who estranges, it's impossible "to get it".

The relationship you used to have with your ES mirrors my own as does the way you've described how much he's changed and the part his wife has played.

Ghosting is cruel, heartless and cowardly. You ask what we think you should do, well if I were in your shoes I would write to him, tell him that you can only assume that his silence is because he no longer wants you in his life, and he is in fact estranging you.

I would add that this is the last time you will attempt to correspond with him and will move on with your life as he appears to have done with his own.

I did a similar thing 4 years ago before we moved and sent our ES a 'goodbye' email. I was surprised at how empowering that was, that despite the estrangement not being of our making, I had taken back some control.

I hope that if you decide to do something similar, that despite the heart break, you too will feel that you have taken back some control and be able to move forward with those that you love who love you in return.

Sorry, the bulk of my post was in response to yours Elless.

M0nica

Do people talk about family relationships at work, other than in the most passing fashion. Everyone I ever worked with could have been estranged from their family for all I know, well some I knew had family they saw, but only in the mention that they qould be going to a family wedding or visiting, but we didn't compare everybody's story and take notes.

That's my experience too. I am fortunate in that my estrangement was happily resolved. There is an old saying that you can choose your friends but not your family!

I agree with cafeaulait

A word of caution - if your son thinks he already told you the reasons why and you send the letter asking again, it must probably might irritate him