Have you reconnected with an estranged parent?

rosecarmel, why are you having a go at OceanMama.
you put a strange interpretation on what people write.
i'm very sorry for your loss OceanMama.

As far as I can tell, there was a rigid vision of how grandparenting was going to be and anything else was unacceptable. One reason I personally heard was that it is my fault because I chose to breastfeed my babies when should have given them bottles because it interfered with their plans for my children.

Yes, I understand- And it's a common occurrence as well as unfair- They raised their children and then have expectations regarding how their children raise their grandchildren-

welbeck

rosecarmel, why are you having a go at OceanMama.
you put a strange interpretation on what people write.
i'm very sorry for your loss OceanMama.

Yes, I agree that my perception is "different"- It isn't having a go- It's inquisitive but isn't "personal"- If it were personal, you'd know -- ask Smileless and Chewbacca! ?

I was estranged from my father (not my mother) many many years ago when I married a man who was of a different religion. We both missed each other and realised my mother was in an impossible situation and we gradually started talking and seeing each other and ended up being as close as we ever were. We didn’t discuss the situation. We just acted as if the hiatus in our relationship never happened. Fortunately my DH was understanding and hadn’t taken the situation personally.

I guess estrangement happens for many different reasons, but until you thrash out the whys and wherefores with the person concerned I would think you never get real closure.
My father estranged himself from my mother soon after they married and while she was carrying me. I went through life in the 60s and 70s not seeing him, although I had to perversely write him monthly letters about my life. His slippers and coat were left lying around in pretence when visitors came to the house. Luckily he lived abroad in Hong Kong which was so alien to me he could have lived on the moon, or dare I say it, have been dead. All very strange. He resurfaced for my wedding, I was polite and accepted his presence. He then reappeared when my mother died, a month before my first child was born. I resented him holding the baby, it should have been my mum, but once again I was courteous and dutiful. I did worry he was trying to make some form of amends and would work his way back into my life, but he left for Australia to live there. I think he was riddled with guilt and regret after 25 years of estrangement. He sadly drowned himself off the beach in Perth. How did I feel? Of course upset, but more because I was left with neither parents nor siblings at a youngish age. It was the bigger picture that saddened me. So once again I picked up the pieces, but the final straw was when he left his money, (a very wealthy man), to his sister, again not caring about my existence nor my baby. History had repeated itself, I could do nothing. I moved on and have had the happiest marriage and the loveliest children I could have asked for.
Thank you for listening. 35 years later it still helps to off load the story.

Humbertbear your story shows how if there is a willingness on both sides, that reconciliation is not only possible but can also be successful.

until you thrash out the whys and wherefores with the person concerned I would think you never get real closure. I agree Ellaine and it's good to know that you found happiness in your marriage and the family you have.

For many I think, it is the real fear that history will repeat itself that is one, if not the main blockage when it comes to reconciliation.

Humbertbear I'm so glad your father was able to put those ideals aside for you. I see so many stories of parents unable to accept these things.

History can be doomed to repeat itself without accountability can't it Smileless. What a shame, we all must move with the times or be lost to past practises or behaviour that just aren't acceptable going forward and communication is so important.

Oh I do hold him responsible. I know my son very well. He will not take any course of action that risks the well being of his daughter while will shortly be 8 years old. He would never want his daughter to become the product of a broken home. When this son was 9 years old, I told his father I wanted out of the marriage. Said husband went out for a walk and did not come back. This was happening in the early hours of the morning. When I got up in the morning I had to tell 5 children their Dad was missing. There were 2 of these children under 9 years old. The estranged son reacted badly to this set of circumstances. The Police had to become involved in looking for him. The river was dredged and my home was searched etc. Husband eventually made contact in the evening, to say he was about 200 miles away.

Now regarding his new family setting, it is not a healthy situation in the sense my grandchild has 1 aunt and 3 uncles (my children). These individuals are ignored in favour of substitute aunties and uncles known to the mother. She is an only child and this was the way she was raised. There are a number of difficulties with my grandchild's living situation which I will not go into here. But to specifically address the suggestion that my son needs to be responsible for his actions, he is. People often weigh up a situation and decide to do what is best for their children! I remained in an unhappy marriage for many years as I could not leave because of my children. This then meant that I had to subject myself to unwanted sexual activity with a man I did not want. The moment I said I could not carry on with this arrangement, my marriage fell apart. So I see my son acting to ensure his child's life is not broken apart by my former drunkenness, poor mental health and tendency to say what I think. As I say I would predict some day he will be back in touch. I was never angry at him cutting me off and now I have just got used to it. I am a spiritual being and believe I was born into this life to experience certain things and mature and improve on all levels as a result. So I obviously think the same applies to my son. I can accept the situation for what it is because if my life beliefs.