AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

Yeah Starblaze, I want so much to send it to him but honestly it wouldn't make a difference. I don't think they're capable of self reflection. That channel had another good view on a narcissists warped reality and why they can never see the truth.

Honestly we have been through so much and during our crucial developmental years we were exposed to toxic behaviour. I think that being self aware of our shortcomings is such a huge step. As long as we are aware, we can avoid pitfalls and hopefully have only positive relationships.

Good article Ironflower. I have a few traits I picked up myself that still need work. I'm gradually stamping all over them.

Imagine how much better the world would be if actual full blown narcissists could read that article, recognise themselves and trot themselves off for extensive therapy.

All those estranged children who would get their parents back.

Not long into our estrangement we were sent a narcissist checklist Ironflower from a friend who believed our ES's wife to be a narcissist.

Like your dad, she had 16 out of the 20 indicators and it does I think help to have an explanation of some kind. We don't believe our ES is narcissistic but like your mum, sadly he's picked up some of the traits.

rosecarmel -- Yes. Especially those self-destructive behaviors that are counter to what people say they want...

I always say, "If you want 'insert' sometimes you have to compromise and grow in the relationship."

Compromise means all parties are fulfilled in the relationship...

7) They will “other” people who do not fit their mold. In a narcissist’s world you are either in or out. You are with them or against them. You are in the club or you are not. Narcissists categorize people based on many criteria such as gender, race, political persuasions, lifestyle practices, religion, group memberships, hobbies, appearance, and interests. They hold strong prejudicial standards and are non-apologetic if others deem them to be judgmental or unfair. Because of the belief in their superiority, they look lowly upon “those people” who seem too different or distinct.

Or in the case of 'parents' You will never reach their 'level'... That "perpetual lesser" 'thing'.

As Ironflower says, it's not until you see with clarity that all is not what we were taught to believe... Like, "The Earth is 'flat'... You're not being abused... You're the real 'problem'... THIS is all 'your fault'..." etc.

No wonder I refuse to take 'the blame' for Our family estrangement. I took all the blame for everything for as long as I can remember... Maybe it's someone else's "turn" to accept responsibility/accept THEY are to blame for the results of their behavior...

HolyHannah

rosecarmel -- Real maturity is to know ones own self...

Yes- And then learn to forget ones own self- Let go of what's no longer necessary or beneficial- And change-

I never once thought my dad was a narcissist. I just thought he was very controlling with anger issues and depression. However watching these videos he fits the description perfectly. He got 16/20 indicators.
- Your worthless if you don't make the exact same choices as him
- Constant threatening. I literally thought he might kill me if I rebelled.
- Extremely defensive
- Fits of rage at the smallest things
- Cannot admit mistakes or say sorry
- Expect unwavering loyalty from everyone
- An 'everyone owes me' attitude
- Dismissive of others feelings
- Poor comprehension of love

The list goes on. It feels good to see that I'm not alone and that others are dealing with people just like my dad (as horrendous as that is). That channel also explains why they never see things as I do, why they constantly lie and why they never change. I don't think my mum is a narc but decades with my dad and she has picked up many traits

Here's that checklist:
survivingnarcissism.tv/the-narcissist-checklist/

rosecarmel -- Real maturity is to know ones own self...

Starblaze -- It's amazing, after watching a video like that, how much joy was sucked from my life. Learning to do simple and new things without the constant anxiety is wonderful.

HolyHannah

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzyUMgHh-Ek&pbjreload=101

That's a beautiful video- Thank you for sharing it-

She explains her experience- She doesn't remain her experience- She has matured-

Anyone who learns they are dealing with a narcissist understands how much hard work the narcissist did to teach them their feelings are "wrong".

Validating those feelings is important before, during and after No Contact

I don’t see how it could possibly validate him being married to a narcissist?

HolyHannah a lot of this wasn't new to me but something really hit me.

I've been avoiding certain good memories, certain things I enjoyed, certain places because they are attached to my mum.

I should be talking about them, visiting them and doing them!

They weren't real the first time on my mums part. A few hours of cgood public mum" meant "worse private mum" later. They were real on mine though

Yes I think your son would get a lot of validation from that video Smileless

I wish I could send the link you posted this morning to our ES Holyhannah. Not only is it pertinent to his situation with his narcissist wife, but the advice given is what we've been doing for the past 7 years.

I know I've posted this several times here on GN over the years, but it's true; the only way to win the game with a narcissist is to stop playing.

We stopped playing and I hope one day he stops playing too.

I think that's the way forward Han.

I thought I needed to prove I could stick up for myself, which I can.

I thought I should explain why something is hurtful to me, which I can.

I thought when my words are twisted I needed to untwist them, which I can.

I can ALSO report all these things to Gransnet, which I should.

Then maybe we can use our knowledge and experience to help other relationships and support those who need it without people ruining threads trying to bully us off them.

I wonder if the solution is simple... GNHQ has put Us 'on notice'... I'd like to send GNHQ a similar message...

Some users routinely harass/insult/mock/bully those that identify as EAC and We have been (as always) too nice/passive.

From here on in, as an abuse survivor with C-PTSD, to be spoken too in the same tones/language that my abuser(s) used, will be considered harmful to ME.

I will issue a statement as to WHY I find what is said to Me inappropriate publicly/on the thread and then report 'it' to GNHQ as harassment/bullying.

Any comment/question directed at Me will be equally reported from those I consider to have been abusive toward Me in the past.

Heck... Unless you are saying something positive/polite about Me? If my username gets so much as mentioned in a post? I'm reporting that too...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzyUMgHh-Ek&pbjreload=101

It had degenerated into talking about some awful things that have been said to estranged children recently.

Now it's been deleted and we have been asked to let it go and get back to EAC helpful resources and chat

Agedp1953

I haven’t accused you of breaking any guidelines, I am just calling it as I see it. I very rarely post, so you won’t know me.
The thread just appears to have degenerated into a one sided attack on one particular poster.

There's been a collective effort made to point out that the above isn't the case: Blaming a single individual-

Starblaze

What a horrible way to communicate though. Feels icky.

Well, change can feel icky- And then eventually liberating- Kind of like estrangement: Icky at first, then not so much, then not at all- I don't mean never again, just progressively less, with the occasional peaks of disgust and valleys of relief over time as different dynamics, causes, affects are realized-

I haven’t accused you of breaking any guidelines, I am just calling it as I see it. I very rarely post, so you won’t know me.
The thread just appears to have degenerated into a one sided attack on one particular poster.

I haven't broken any guidelines or had any comments deleted Agedp1953 so I am not sure why you are pulling me up, especially as I do not know you.

It is Indeed an ironic post Starblaze, bearing in mind that the last 49 posts seem in general to be aimed at one particular poster who is not even posting. I agree It is a horrible way to communicate but nevertheless seems to be repeated continually.

What a horrible way to communicate though. Feels icky.

Exactly- And you didn't need to mention any names!