In therapy I did a lot of panicking about my parenting. I have made mistakes and screwed up and forgotten important things and snapped in a bad mood. I have done things my mother did because I thought it was normal and had to learn from the expression on my children's faces that no, it's not normal. My therapist said to me that children don't want or need perfect parents. They need parents who show them it is OK to make mistakes and show them how to a handle negative emotions. The caveat is that the parent must be accountable and must apologise. Even if the parent thinks they are right, if the child is hurt, those feelings are genuine and deserve to be heard and validated. I learnt that my children aren't my friends and should not carry my burdens. My actual friends are for that. I am and always will be their mother. I had naturally been doing things the right way, feeling it out slowly, but therapy speeded it up and with help I was finally able to stop punishing myself. I also learnt to stop blaming myself for the way my mother treated me and learn that I was not "bad". Therapy helped me, but it could not help my relationship with my mother, no matter how hard I tried to find ways with my therapist. She just didn't want what I wanted, a good and loving relationship. My relationship with my children and my husband is everything I could have hoped for though. Cutting off their grandparent was absolutely the right choice. Hard as it was.