estranged grandchild's upcoming birthday - what do you do?

I, too, have joined the ranks of 'estranged families'... not only my daughter, but son too have cut off contact with my grandchildren. This is a fairly recent occurrence regarding my daughter but has been a trial for years with my son/grandson. To make matters worse, my daughter and family live in the USA, so I don't have the opportunity to 'nip over' to see if I can sort it out.
I can hardly believe this is happening. I've always tried to be a 'good mum', but some of the criticisms levelled at me recently have been so utterly unfair, unjust and plain wrong. (As someone else mentioned - the children cause the problems but 'we' are the ones in therapy!) I am helped by reading all the posts from grandparents in a similar situation, but I feel so ill all the time at the moment. I feel it is such a waste of 'precious time' to now be 'abandoned' and worry to death that my grandchildren will forget me.... My eldest grand-daughter had started to correspond with me on a regular basis recently, but this has now obviously been forbidden. I continue to send her a letter every week, with lighthearted news, trying to sound really cheery - but in reality all I do is drag myself from day to day while my heart is breaking.... Sorry this sounds a very 'selfish' post, but just wanted to say that I find it fairly comforting in a way, knowing I'm not alone. In fact, I've written out these words and put them up in my kitchen "I am one amongst many" as this situation seems to be huge nowadays.

Oh westerly. I am so sorry. I am hoping things will be better in the future for everyone on this thread. I think in my sons case it's jealousy. I have 3 daughters also. I love him just as much as the girls. Hopefully one day he will see. Of course Facebook doesn't help. Photos of me with other grandchildren. But he is not interested. What can you do?

So sorry to read your post nina and all of the posts where GP's are estranged from their AC and as a consequence their GC too.

You're doing the only things you can do, and although at times they may seem small, as an estranged GP you're putting things together so that one day your GC will know that the GM they had but never knew (I hope of course that one day they will), loved them and thought about them.

We know where our GC live so can send bday and Christmas cards which we do, always buying 2 so that one can go in their memory box. If we never have the opportunity to know them, I know they'll get the things we've put aside as I've left the memory box to them in my will.

It's such a hard thing to do, buying and writing in cards knowing that they'll go straight in the bin but it's what I'll always do because it's the only GP thing I can do.

I sooooo want to reassure you all that you're not alone in your situation of being estranged. About 3 years ago, when I first began researching the topic, there was nothing out there on the internet. It was like a brick wall of silence. I later learned that parents were staying quiet out of shame and fear of doing the wrong thing by saying anything. The self imposed isolation was crippling for many of them. Then I began reading psychology and how the silent treatment is often passive rage as well as a punishment dished out by angry people towards vulnerable targets. Obviously parents are vulnerable targets and they are often, as it turns out, the silent victims because make no mistake, cutting a good parent off, is a form of covert abuse and bullying.
So on the back of all my research I started a closed FB group for estranged parents. Within only a week, we were swamped. The stories all echoed the same picture with heartbreaking sadness and a bleak outlook for those involved.
The experts suddenly moved from pointing the finger of blame at the parents and now today we have a lot more use of the term narcissist and other categorizing behaviours too. One problem is that our AC have grown up in a generation where they have huge expectations and a sense of entitlement too. Therefore if we haven't measured up as parents, that's when we get deleted.

OK, there are good reasons why some AC cut off their parents, I saw this when I was doing my research and in fact, I was and still am an estranged AC although not by choice. For these AC, there are no winners, it's so sad for many of them. But for the AC who cut off their parents for what are minor disputes and small differences, it's utter madness.
They go online, post their rants and are immediately validated by other posters who spout out the advice 'go NC'!
And so what happens is that on these groups we see this kind of emerging trend where it's normal now to just ditch the parents because it makes life easy by simply ignoring they exist.

But my thoughts are just wait till they're our age and find themselves orphans.

Maidmarion

I think the excuses and accusations that are thrown at us are just weak justifications for their own dismal behaviour. Blaming us lets them off the hook. xxx

Very interesting Nina.

Nina1959 - you seem to have much more knowledge than most on this subject. I can confirm that I have stayed silent because I am ashamed, for 2 reasons, the DCs being the way they are, there is more than just being difficult to me, and that I have been such a wimp in not speaking out against such treatment of me. These young mums are playing a bad game with all this. There are laws (?) against harming the elderly, I think so anyway. Another problem is that if this is how they treat up how are they treating the DGC?
It is such a sad situation for all concerned.

My D.H. was raised without contact with his mum. Sadly she died before we could make contact but have now met that side of his family. We have some photos but I know he would dearly love to have letters cards etc. So if u r estranged keep up the memory boxes and one day hopefully they will make their way to the grandkids.

I'm really grateful to read all your posts and suggestions. I've just been out for dinner with my husband and we were talking. He always tries to sheperd me away from thinking too deeply. Life is good and we're not going back there right?
Well, he mentioned how he'd stayed overnight at the house of a male 'uncle' in his youth. Years later he found out that that same person had been his true grandad but no one had told him. I asked him how it had made him feel and his words were 'betrayed'. If he had known it was his real grandad, he would have made a far greater effort to get to know him. He now feels very aggrieved and he's 62! It brought tears to his eyes.
So I think we are right to create some kind of trail so that our grandchildren can find us. We have to put our own pain to one side and out AC too, and just think of a way to stay connected to the next generation. They will need us. Which is a nice thought really.
Estrangement is like a weird kind of alien landscape but I've found that once we adapt, we can circumnavigate the AC and sew new seeds of life to be harvested later. xx

nina1959
My heart goes out to you and all the other GNs suffering. You mentioned you are a writer and I wonder if you could consider writing a (fictional)story for your estranged GC? I don't know how practical this would be but I feel it may be a most treasured and no doubt personal gift. You write so eloquently and your para. Estrangement is like a weird kind of alien landscape but I've found once we adapt, we can circumnavigate the AC and sew new seeds of life to be harvested later That would be, in my humble opinion, a most relevant foreward to your story. Hugs to you

Good morning ladies,
I too have been apart from my daughter and my grandchildren,its coming up to 10 years now.
It is hard and theres not a day I don't think about them,my only hope is one day my grandchildren will become curious and will try and contact me.

But I always have this one niggling thought

I have no clue on how my daughter will tell my grandchildren why Ive not been in their lives since they were babies,Im scared she will tell them I was a horrible person and her life was hell with me while she was growing up.This most certainly isn't true and while she was growing up we loved each other dearly but it was a case of once she met and married her husband then I was surplus to requirements,well that's how I feel it is anyway.I can only think its this way because I never had any kind of explaination from my daughter.
But what happens if she does tell them something along these lines,surely they wouldn't want to see me if they believe their mum???This scares the hell out of me and dosent give me hope that one day they will come into my life once again.
Its just a niggle and worry that Ive had for years and it dosent get any easier as the time passes by.

Deedi, the core of my writing is based on how families operate, dysfunction, betrayal, being ostracised, scapegoat, golden child, etc. The aim is to reassure the reader that despite what goes on in the family, we can all survive it and go on to make a difference elsewhere. My books aren't pity books or sob stories, they don't glorify or feel sorry for the problem makers, the sympathy and encouragement is always with those on the receiving end of the hurt. And they have happy endings.

Lucy, you sound like me, I am too 10 years down the road. Our AC are already liars because of how they are denying we exist. Nothing about what they are doing is open, honest or truthful and I have been around long enough to see how it will one day all backfire. The dishonesty is against us as much as it is towards their own children. They are lying and betraying their own offspring.

I know a lot pf parents worry about having lies told about them and yes, it is an easy way out and they think it let's them off the hook but they never reckon with how it will all come back on them one day. I've seen it happen so many times and I know grandparents now, who's long lost grandchildren have found them, fallen out with their parents and moved out of the home in disgust. The message is clear - don't create a web of lies about anyone.

I no longer worry. I don't feel I owe my AC anything further. It's hard to feel anything for them these days and I think this is because there comes a point where the damage just can't be undone. To save ourselves we erect a wall of steel around our hearts just to protect us. The love is still there somewhere but it would have to be earned if they ever came back rather than just expected. To cut off and leave a decent, loving parent in a wilderness of desolation and loneliness is the worst act anyone can do. We all need to be with our own tribe and to be left out and so abandoned is just plain cruel.
It will be interesting to see how they fare when they get into their 50's and find out that the bridge they blew up long ago really has gone. xxxx

Thank you for your imput nina1959,you have made me feel a little hopeful for the future.
I did the most unforgivable thing when I was told I was no longer wanted or needed in my daughter and grandchildrens life,I went to court for contact.This without doubt was so very wrong indeed but at the time I just wanted to much to stay in my grandchildrens lives,big big big regret and its something I have to learn to live with every single day.
It was in court that my daughter turned me into a monster with her lies and untruths,it broke my heart and still does.
But I cant undo it but if I had my time over again then I never would of gone to court,all I can say is I was desperate at the time.
I know if they ever do come back into my life I will have ot explain I tried my best and at the time I thought I was doing right(though I certainly realise I wasn't) but I'm living with that.
Because I did this I feel my daughter will hate me forever and in turn make my precious grandchildren think the same.
Theres no winners are they???

Life will humble them one day Lucy. You took the only route that was open to you and your intentions were good. Sadly court action isn't really an option when the law doesn't give any rights to grandparents. It's a bit like putting the cart before the horse.

There is life after our AC. It's waiting. Don't waste it looking back. xxxx

You're not alone Lucy, my DH often tells me that he worries about what reasons our ES and his wife will give our GC to explain why they didn't know us. TBH I don't think about it. They've lied to family and friends to try and justify what they've done so no doubt they'll lie to their children too.

All we can do is what we're doing, leaving them a memory box, well a box of our memories really, so that one day they'll know we existed and loved them.

They continue to fall out with friends and she with her own parents. They'll sadly grow up with people disappearing from their lives so perhaps when they're older they'll see the pattern and will question the reasons they were given; who knows.

You say you did an unforgivable thing going to court for contact, but what you did took courage and demonstrated how much you wanted contact with your GC. Hopefully one day they'll know what you did and will see it as the act of a heartbroken GM, not the act of a monster.

I worry for our DS because as the children get older, and our eldest may be doing so already, they'll understand that uncle .... is daddy's brother and so daddy's mummy and daddy are uncle .... mummy and daddy. No doubt questions will be asked of their uncle and this may be time that our ES ceases contact with his brother, the only family member he has contact with.

nina "To cut off and leave, a decent loving parent in a wilderness of desolation and loneliness is the worst act anyone can do" is so true.

westerlywind the shame of being CO of our AC's lives kept us all silent for a while. Believing that it must be our fault, worrying that that's what people will think and say (and my goodness some do don't they) and thinking that we are the only ones to suffer this estrangement.

It was a revelation to us when we discovered just how many parents were in the same boat and the similarities in so many estrangement stories.

Perhaps they don't look ahead, maybe they've forgotten the old saying 'Tis a tangled web we weave when at first we seek to deceive'.

I am surprised too at how many Grandparents are in the same position with absent children and grandchildren I do often wonder what will happen when the grandchildren of today are young adults with their own children. I have two teenage grandchildren who we do know have been brainwashed completely against this side of their family by the grandparents who gained residence and then off loaded to a childrens' home, I have two mid elementary school. One I have seen more than the other. The one I have seen least of was present at a family "do" and knew me and others instantly. The one I see more of says when they feel they have not seen me for a long time. I have one of kindergarten age. I have seen very little of that one but there was no strangeness towards me. These DGC live 20, 10 and 3 miles away from me. Everyone has cars so there is no geographical excuse for this. The DCs are not only difficult towards me they are also awful to each other. One slapped the other while that one was an in patient on a hospital ward having just survived a possibly fatal situation.
I don't know where all this horrible behaviour comes from. We never had the like before in the family. This is why I wonder what did I do wrong?

I don't think we did anything wrong westerlywind,I know when I was growing up we had very little,however I always knew that once a year in the last week of August we would go in a caravan for our holidays(obviously in this country and not abroad)and at Christmas my Christmas wish list was always granted......and I was more than happy with those two things every year in my life while growing up.In January we looked forward to the caravan,after the caravan we looked forward to Christmas.
Where my daughter was concerned it was only her and myself,no dad on the scene so I stupidly thought she should have the same as 2 parent children and yes she was spoilt,she grew up expecting everything,did this make her selfish??yes I guess it did.Would I do the same if I had my time over again??,hell no.
For me anyway it was like she grew up,then found someone else to give her the things she wanted so it was a case of "this is my new life,this is my own little bubble so mums not needed anymore".
Grown up children are not the same as what we was,we were grateful for anything our parents could afford and it was no big deal if we couldn't have anything,we was loved and that's all that mattered.
I worry what our grandchildren will be like when its their turn to become grown up,the worlds changing so much but if I did have my time over again I would of done things differently.Too late now sadly

Hi Lucy1958
I was pretty much the same. A lot of time spent as a single parent. I too thought that despite the fact that my parents had a good double income and I only had part time and benefits I also thought that my children should have holidays (also in UK). I was brought up on good food so no supermarket own label for my DCs. I always fitted my work around my DCs so that I was at home after school. I really tried hard. I had support from my parents who saw it as completely normally to help where they were needed. I saw a lot of my parents.
It is so alien to me that my DCs have turned out like this. I am sad that they have such difficulties but I refuse to be used any more. I am not prepared to jump out of bed in the middle of the night. I see no point in continuing to live in a place that is not my "dream" just in case they want something from me.
I think I have earned the right to have the life I want. I cant make my DCs care about me and be decent but I can change other things.
Lucy 1958 life the best life you can and treat yourself better than you treated your DC, you are worth it.

Since my situation ended, ended being a strange kind of definition of how things have concluded, I have seized life again and I am happy. I'm also content that I did my best given all the struggles and circumstances we all have to endure as part of life and that I've since done my best to heal the rift. All to no avail.
I've come to the conclusion that it suits our AC not to find time in their lives to include us. In fact, by pretending we don't exist seems to suggest that we don't. Er.............we do and there is life after the cruel behaviour of our AC.
Cruises are booked, VIP tickets, trips away with other sacked and surplus to requirements parents. No loans paid back, all excuses vigorously upheld, accusations about us needing 'mental help' so we can blamed for 'the problem', thankless, selfish, ungrateful, no love or compassion, who needs it?? All these things have now been walked away from and my new life begun without them. I don't mind saying that eventually it has become a wonderful kind of bliss. I have arrived! xxx

I was just thinking the other day while having a big clear out, I never had a family in the background to offer any back up so it was all down to me to be all things to my children. I loved them so much, they were my absolute world. I was proud of them too, not in a show off way but just quietly. As soon as July came along, I'd start squirreling away money for Christmas so they could have the 'big present' they wanted. A bike or a dolls house. I went without a lot but I never minded. It was just such a joy to see their faces on Christmas morning when the whole year came right somehow on that one day.
I'd spend all day in the kitchen on Christmas eve baking and cooking, icing and decorating cakes and biscuits and making all the decorations.
Where did I go wrong? I know they weren't spoilt. I didn't have an endless budget so it was just one large present then a few smaller ones under the tree.

Anyway, at least we have our memories eh? They obviously think we failed them in some way so good luck to them being perfect in all that do as parents. I've done a Shirley Valentine and so here's a glass to you all. Cheers. xx

My heart aches for all the co gps in this thread. But I just want to respond to a few things...

Maidmarion, if gd tried to keep in touch with you, that shows she wants a relationship with you. It's very likely that she will seek you out in the future when she's old enough to do so on her own. Someone mentioned keeping a fb page open. I hope you do to make it easier for her to find you someday if she wants.

Lucy, you mention that ed seemed to find you "surplus to requirements" after she got married. That doesn't sound as if there was any problem in her childhood. It sounds as if the relationship just changed once she had a dh and family. Some of that is normal, imo. Unfortunately, in this case, it went too far to total estrangement.

Also, I think it's understandable that you wanted to give her the same life as if she had 2 parents. Unrealistic maybe, but understandable. Please don't berate yourself over it.

Nina, I think you have developed a wonderful attitude. Kudos!

OMG, westerly, I just caught your latest post! Looks like there is a lot of drama in your family. Maybe you just got caught in the crossfires?

Thanks Starlady, I haven't got it all made by any means. The whole thing contributed to a previous diagnosis of PTSD and so my current attitude to having had to rebuild my life simply means that in order not to fall down a dark hole again, I have to avoid the triggers.

But make no mistake, this isn't happening to just a few parents, it's an unhappy trend and reflects a growing selfishness in today's society. There is a trail of broken and battered parents left in it's wake.

I haven't received a Christmas, Mothers Day or birthday card in almost 10 years. It no longer bothers me because I have a busy life full of other things going on.
But when I think of all those other parents deliberately cut off and left with no one, I really feel for them.
It's not human behaviour to treat another person in such a callous, unfeeling way. It's different if the parent has been abusive and there's been no other option.
But I have still have cards from years ago written to 'the best mum in the world' so in this case, it really is cruel.

Well the birthdayday passed. I'm far better at dealing with it than I used to be but I feel so sorry for my little grandaughter that she's missing out on knowing half of her family roots.

If anyone on here is in the same situation and is struggling, I do have an FB secret support group. It's small and we're all good friends. If you'd like to join or know more details, just send me a PM. It's completely private so no one can see the posts and I know connecting with others has definitely helped.

For some reason, this thread didnt keep appearing on my I'm on list.
There are a couple of things at least I want to say or ask[probably more some other time when I have read the thread much more thoroughly]

It seems to come up time and time again, I dont know why, that those who end up estranged are often the ones who gave their children everything so to speak. The children became their world and focus.
I dont know why it happens and occurs in that way.

Secondly. In your case, you say that your DD says you are worth nothing, or something like that.
I think what she is really saying and thinking is that she feels like she is worth nothing.

I dont know[havent read the thread fully enough yet]whether you are in a postition, or even want to, to boost her self esteem at all. I also have no idea how easy in reality it is to do that for anyone, let alone someone who is virtually estranged.