Feeling guilty

Humbertbear - visiting your mother twice a week is not 'totally isolating' - it is not isolating at all. I can understand your impulse to see your mother but you have to make a choice. You isolate with your husband OR with your mother. As vickymeldrew said, you and your sister are putting her and your husband at risk. Stay. At. Home.

Don't feel guilty.. my Mum lives in an apartment within a Care complex and at 94, no one can visit ( Care closed to visitors) and she has to stay in her apartment, gets lunch delivered my brother calls her and gets any extra shopping , stands under her balcony to speak to her,,, but my sis and I live miles away so can only call her and not visit.....she is getting very fed up feeling isolated being on her own! Really feel for her..but what can u do?

Seadragon thank you for your post. I'm also an ex social worker of many years. The urge to do something still occasioally lurks in the background. Like most people in their mid sixties I have health issues which mean keeping safe and staying home is the way I can contribute. But it doesn't always come easily and feels a little strange.

Nether you nor your sister should be visiting especially staying over

Humbertbear, you do realise that you are not isolating at all, and with your DH being categorised as vulnerable, you are putting him at risk.

You are visiting your mother twice a week, who also has your sister visiting on the other days, as well as 2 different carers in everyday. How can you possibly be “totally isolating”?

You do understand that the carers will also be coming into contact with other service users. If those service users’ families are visiting like you and your sister are, the risks of infection are massively increased. You have no idea who all of these people are coming into contact with!

My daughter in law is a respiratory staff nurse - for pity’s sake stay at home! And report to the police when people don’t - without a serious necessary reason!

My neighbours daughter called by yesterday. She didn't enter the house, just put items in the doorstep then stepped away whilst they picked them up. It was all very sensible and in line with government advice. However, neighbours had the bloody nerve to complain that they couldn't give her a hug and she refused to have a cuppa with them; I just commented " you're very lucky, the rest of us haven't seen children or grandchildren for weeks"!

Please don't feel guilty. You are doing a brilliant job.

You only have to watch the coronavirus daily updates on bbc1 to see that despite most of us following the rules (they are rules now,not just a guideline!) That the death toll is still rising,a LOT of these are elderly,but a lot more each day are not! To all who dont understand it its simple,as someone on another post said before-is self explanetary really-"6FEET AWAY OR 6FEET DOWN"!! And to visitors to others houses -DONT DO IT!!! This will drag on and on while people are flouting these rules,thinking it doesnt apply to them,well it blinking well does! It applies to ALL of us! Im ranting today as this makes me blinking angry!

I still don't understand how people don't get that its not the virus that travels, its people, and if everyone does the same thing 'Ohhh, only popping out for an ice-cream, that won't hurt!'
'Ooh I'll go and spend time with my Mum for a week, it'll be fine!'
No, its not fine, its what will keep this lock-down ongoing. This government should have been so much more stringent, believe me, when my friends are wearing 10p carrier bags over their heads for protection as Nurses, you realise this government has so much to answer for....
Stay
At
Home.
Its not hard, and it could save the people you love.

Seefah, does your mother use a mobile phone and does she have WiFi? If so, you need to get her to download WhatsApp (and do it yourself), then she could see you as well as hear you.

My ex, who is 72 and vulnerable himself, got his 100yo mother moved 100 miles to be in a care home near him. She's got all her marbles but has never used modern technology, so he got her a Facebook portal, which I would describe as a neat little one-trick pony which does video connection - as far as I can tell, just to him, though I believe our daughters can also muscle in on the conversation. I think there are different versions, but she seems to be able to work it by just pressing one big button. It works extremely well with her - but they were able to get all of this installed before the complete lockdown.

Any chance that humbertbear would come back and explain her thinking?

Obviously she does think she’s in “total isolation “.

I don’t want to slam you humbertbear but I do genuinely want to understand what’s gone wrong with the message.

Members of my family are involved in front line care and every day they care for people who are shocked that they have the virus and that they have become so ill.

We’d all like to know what it is about the message that isn’t getting through.

Thank you Hetty58

Humbertbear,if youre going to see your mum twice a week,then NO youre NOT totally self isolating are you???And WHY are the sheltered housing management allowing this to happen?? Dear God,how is being allowed? All these extra visitors roaming in/out taking risks for themselves and to the old folk- what is going on??? The ONLY ones allowed should be official carers/ nurses employed in social care/ medical nursing,so what is wrong with you all,why are you all flitting in/ out? And WHY ARE THE MANAGEMENT ALLOWING IT?You need to stop now and report the sheltered housing to government or whomever we are supposed to tell- its a risk to everyone and clearly flouting government orders to stay home and keep away from others!!!?

Agree with Nannan2, your sister should not be staying with your Mum!

Annie107,am confused as to why your sister is staying a whole week with your mum if she can manage to wash& cook AND has carers in also? We are NOT allowed to just flit back & forth just for a week- so why is your sister doing that??? You have nothing to feel guilty about,you are following advice&guidance as you should,your sister should be one feeling guilty as shes risking your mums health going to visit and stay there- then risking everyone's health by then leaving after a week and going back out into the community.!!! Im at a loss over how people interpret 'isolating' or 'social distancing' i really am!

My mum hasn’t got anyone visiting, gets food deliveries, and has no one phoning except me every other day and when I phone I let her talk long as she likes ( quite tiring) . But I wouldn’t dream of visiting her !! As soon as you step outside the door you are vulnerable and could transmit it to her. You are protecting her by not going. I send my mum little things in the post to cheer her up. Guilt is not good for your immune system so please don’t feel guilty no need.

Anne107 Don't feel guilty. You and your family have done, and are continuing to do, the very best you can for your mum.

polnan I can't see why your daughter in law shouldn't cycle and see you from a distance. She is allowed to take exercise anyway so she might as well incorporate a quick hello to you during that time. I imagine it is something she wants to do.

VickyMeldrew My mistake. I thought you were referring to the OP.

most everyone has already said it

I am self isolated, my family don`t come to see me.. I don`t want them to, as much as I miss them.

my dil wants to cycle (about 6 miles, dedicated cycling paths)
to me,, and talk 2 metres away... I don`t think she should in fact have said no...she could be at risk just cycling this way..and she has family to care for..

hard as it is, and I am in tears as I write this,, so lonely, but there... when I die, I want it to be quick and peaceful. God willing

Government guidelines could not be clearer - self-isolation, and staying in means just that - not having people come to visit, and certainly not having people come to stay for a week. But it's all very well for those of us who have smartphones, pcs, tablets etc., and are sufficiently savvy to use them to keep in touch and see the faces of our loved ones some distance away. And for those of us with relatives nearby who can bring provisions and leave them at the gate or the front door where it's perfectly possible to remain 2m apart and see each other in the flesh. I feel immensely sorry for those whose really elderly parents don't have the ability to 'see' them by virtual means. This must be very difficult to cope with. But if like you Anne107, you have an underlying health condition and the house you are thinking about visiting is also having other people going in and out (the carer for one) then there's a real problem with potential infection spread and for your own physical sake you must stay inside.

Wish someone would tell my neighbour no visitors, they have more visitors now than before the lockdown.

I was a social worker for 25 years and prior to that was heavily involved in the voluntary sector as a volunteer or helping set up and run various community projects. I am interested to find that I now have no drive to 'get involved' with community initiatives and am glad that I am far from family, all of whom are serving in health and social care, but living in a small community with fantastic sources of support. I was invited to join a Facebook Covid-19 Mutual Aid group and did so after some hesitation but am content to sit in the background and share the occasional interesting post with the group. I am glad I had my 70th birthday in February too and have an underlying health condition which goes some way to legitimise my position but has been effectively treated with stents and medication. There was a time when I would have set my condition aside and surged out to help but that time is now past and I am content with my position. If others are willing to provide support that is enough for me.

Your mother would be beyond devastated if you succumbed to the virus. I assume you speak to her on the phone sometimes? Well at least she has that much of you. If anything happened to you she wouldn't even have that, and what's more your sister might be so upset that even she stopped cheering your mother up as well as she does right now. Stay healthy, it's the best thing for your WHOLE family.

Humbertbear - you are not following the guidelines, you are not isolating and you are putting everyone at risk including your husband. How will you feel if your husband gets it because the chances are it very likely be you that will infect him. Please follow the guidelines and stay at home.