Grandparents giving Christmas presents

A lot of things are being assumed about this man. Perhaps your DD's lifestyle was more chaotic than you realised and he's just helped her to see this and she taking control of it.

How many presents does a child need? She won't just be getting presents from you. There will be gifts from your DD and her partner, and from others.

I'm not saying this is the case but it's an alternative to the controlling man that others seem to assume he is.

Just follow your DD's requests and play it by ear regarding your concerns.

If he is a controlling person, even more reason to comply. The trouble is most victims drift into being controlled and are gradually isolated from friends and family. I hope very much this isn't the case.

Crossstitchfan

Granarchist

5 presents???!!!!! Crikey!!!! We have only ever given 1 present to our children and now grandchildren - plus maybe a little something for the stocking. We now have family rule that anything for adults must either be food or drink or something specifically requested - and a £10 limit. Are we alone????

I would hope so 😱

Best not to list what my grandchildren get. Both money and pressies. 😂

Sometimes it’s hard to decipher all the information in the thread. You see your granddaughter therefore family less so have you been able to view much of the new relationship and have you concerns ? 5 presents is still a nice amount but you say these are constantly being changed? Are they expensive presents or practical things ? You say if you don’t comply with the rules there will be a row on Christmas Day …. Does your daughter mean with you and her or causing a row between her and partner because that’s a huge give away of the situation. I think you need to give a bit of time and fully assess what is going on here. Keep the relationship good with your daughter and granddaughter. As previously mentioned ,if you want to give more then yes set up a savings account. That will be greatly appreciated down the line.

Goldieoldie Very very true. But my goodness it is hard to do, pretending does take its toll on you.

“Keep you potential enemy closer.” In the famous words uttered by Marlon Brando playing The Godfather: “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”.

That new partner does not sound too good. Narcissist?

Granarchist

5 presents???!!!!! Crikey!!!! We have only ever given 1 present to our children and now grandchildren - plus maybe a little something for the stocking. We now have family rule that anything for adults must either be food or drink or something specifically requested - and a £10 limit. Are we alone????

Five presents or more does sound a lot, but…

We have the same set cash limit for Christmas presents for each of the grandchildren, and just check with their parents as to what we should get them. Sometimes this has meant five, six or more small things in a sack, sometimes just one big item (literally when it came to the punchbag or the free kick mannequins ). This year for the first time we’ve been asked just to give the cash to the eldest, as he’s saving up for something expensive.

So yes, I’d do as your daughter asks. As so many others have said though, best keep a discreet eye on the new relationship. All may be fine, but I’d be concerned. I’m sure you’ll be there for your daughter if she needs you.

Setting aside the control issue, and I do think it is an issue, why ntot ask your grandaughter what she would like to have for Christmas. There is no point of showering her, or giving strictly limited numbers of presents if none of them are anything she would ask for.

The OP sounds as though the daughter is the one communicating everything. Do we know for certain that these new boundaries are from him? Or is it possible that having a supportive partner has enabled the daughter to change some things that she’s been wanting to, but felt she shouldn’t, due to childcare arrangements, etc?

She may have felt like she couldn’t say no before, otherwise she’d be ungrateful for everything her parents were helping her with. (Not saying OP said or did anything wrong, just people can have a hard time figuring out boundaries sometimes)

Trust your gut. Follow the rules and don’t allow the new partner to come between you and your daughter. Read up on coersive control just in case! If you want to give more at Christmas open a bank account and save the money for later.

Keep your (potential) enemy close.
Good idea; it may be that he is just trying to bring some order into the home.

It's the best way of trying to find out what's going on.

Good advice SueBdoo70.

If I had known what I know now, I would have spoken out to my daughter. It may not have done any good, but maybe it would and she wouldn’t be in the position she’s in now, isolated, desperate, and requiring high input of love, financial support, and mental support. I would not wish this situation on anyone. Nor on their grandchildren. It is beyond difficult.

I realise that you cannot do too much now OP, but monitor the situation and always be available for your daughter. If she makes even one small complaint about her partner, do not assume as I did, that’s it’s just couples disagreements, but offer the greatest support and advice. She maybe calling out for help.

I think 5 presents would be enough to give to a 7 year old. Maybe too many if they are expensive items. You say that the requests ‘ continually change ‘ what if you have already bought the ‘ allowed ‘ presents and they change their minds again ? There are so many red flags here. If you do not follow ( his ? ) instructions, ‘ there will be a row on Christmas Day ‘ With him I’m guessing. No wonder you are feeling stressed. More worryingly to me is that in a very short time your own contact with your granddaughter has dramatically decreased while his has increased. Does he work ? Does your daughter work ? I wonder what aspects of child care he has taken over now, as at age 7 your granddaughter will be in school full time. Please don’t let him reduce your contact any further. Potential abusers will often attempt to isolate their victims from family and friends who can give support. A big row at Christmas because you have broken the ‘ rules ‘ could result in you being banned from their house altogether. If it is possible I would try to have some alone time with your granddaughter on a regular basis, go to the park, go shopping or go for lunch. But I think you will have to tread very carefully here, it doesn’t sound as if your daughter will stand up to her new partner. Although it’s lovely to give presents, having a trusting, talking relationship with your young granddaughter could be the best present of all.

While many posters are advising the OP to watch what goes on with regard to the new partner being controlling, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it, should that be the case, as I have learned to my horror. When our children fall in love, whether it be with a good person or bad, it is THEIR choice, and theirs ONLY!! We can no longer influence them, as they believe themselves to be in love with the new person, and it is them, and only them, who will have any influence, until the weaker partner realises what is going on, and asks for help.

My advice OP, would be to do exactly as your daughter asks, and however much you may disapprove of her new partner, do NOT rock the boat, or you will very swiftly find yourself out of the picture, and with no contact with your daughter or grandchild.

He isn't a parent.
He's a new boyfriend.

To address a couple of points. Firstly I don't understand why your friend thinks you're "a mug". In what way are you a mug? It's perfectly reasonable for a parent to ask for presents that are perhaps ecologically friendly, educational or maybe just what the child actually wants or even that the parents have room to accommodate. Secondly, 5 presents is more than enough. How many do you usually buy for heaven sake! I think you're indulging your own needs rather than that of your grandchild.

MissAdventure

Yes but the thread is about a new person on the scene dictating new "rules"
Not about who gives what.

Indeed MissA. ✔️

This comes to mind:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do".
Maya Angelou

Granarchist

5 presents???!!!!! Crikey!!!! We have only ever given 1 present to our children and now grandchildren - plus maybe a little something for the stocking. We now have family rule that anything for adults must either be food or drink or something specifically requested - and a £10 limit. Are we alone????

No, you're not

Please be careful with this man
but don’t drop your hackles is my advice

Mine too, not from personal experience but from observations.
The rules have changed and that is a red flag.

Just do as suggested but maintain contact.

MissAdventure

I don't think a pair of knickers, a colouring book, a pair of pyjamas, some sweets and a skipping rope is going to ruin a child for life.

It depends rather on what's bought, and judging by some of the things boasted about on gransnet, five small presents is no big deal.

I agree with MissA.
Some of the presents are probably small, such as she suggests, with perhaps one main one.

Please be careful with this man. Posters are suggesting that there’s not a big deal with his controlling behaviour. I see it differently as a result of lived experience. Controlling men seek to take over every aspect of their partner’s lives. There’s not much you can do except observe at the moment, but don’t drop your hackles is my advice. I have lived through this type of situation, and it never ends well.
Just be aware.

It may be that the new partner who is controlling or maybe they have realised that the children are acting spoiled and they want to do something about it. There is a movement amongst young parents where they give 5 presents which have specific qualities such as a present of something they need, something they want, etc. Perhaps they are following that rationale. Whatever it is, just go along with it. Like it or not, your daughter is giving this man the right to make the rules for her children.

I don't think a pair of knickers, a colouring book, a pair of pyjamas, some sweets and a skipping rope is going to ruin a child for life.

It depends rather on what's bought, and judging by some of the things boasted about on gransnet, five small presents is no big deal.

Sounds like the new partner is exerting his influence. But if she’s restricting the number of presents (for whatever reason) you give, I would go along with it personally. Actually I think five presents is excessive anyway. But I guess we are all different in our present giving rituals. We have three grandchildren and spend about £50 on each. The presents are usually things they or the parents have said they’d like. I think things are too expensive to just blindly buy stuff that will be easily discarded. It usually amounts to a couple of presents each and personally I think it’s ample.

Have you ever stopped to consider what you grandchild will expect from you as she gets older. It is ridiculous to give so many gifts to a small child. I have three sons, two daughters in law, four grandsons and three have partners, four great grandchildren, I give them all one gift.