Alone at Christmas - am I expecting too much?

It doesn’t take many minutes in a busy day to think of others, especially a good friend so I am with Roobi as I have been there.
I have evaluated a very long standing friendship over the last three years after my H died and keep it very cool now and strictly when it suits me.
I will never let myself be as hurt again as I was.

Can I gently point out that the Christmas period s only two days old and that she has been hosting all the demands of family in that time.

Given your expectations of her in the last 48 hrs and the fact that you’ve said there’s been a change in the friendship in the last year, is it possible that you are putting too much pressure on the friendship in order to fill the gap in your life.

I know from my own experience of widowhood that this can happen and it does change friendships when we one of you wants more than the other can give.

I don’t want to upset you more than you are feeling already but actually I don’t think it’s unreasonable for family and guests to come first for the last couple of days.

She already knew you were lonely and unwell. It would have been unfair of her to phone and say what a good time they were having and pointless to ask how you were.

Roobi I hope you soon feel better. When we are by ourselves it is easy to feel hurt or slighted by friends or relatives - there is time to brood. Try not to dwell on it and try and have positive thoughts. Maybe think of someone you know who is alone or upset and give them a ring. Get well soon.

Roobi
You say you have been quiet poorly. Maybe she was being kind and didn’t want to bother you with a phone call.
If I was quiet poorly I wouldn’t appreciate a phone call.

Dear Roobi
I personally do not think your wrong to hope your friend would think to give you a 5/10 min call .. l have for many years been like many other elderly people been spending Christmas Day on my own … so very used too it now. I do receive Christmas cards & presents which is lovely .. but on Christmas Day l only received WhatsApp text messages .. somehow they never quite feel the same .. it’s like the words don’t really live.. where as hearing a ‘live’ voice would have l know sounded lovely and truly meant so much more too me… One of the main causes of loneliness is people have such busy and often stressful lives… Also many people are fortunate to still have their families nearby along with a healthy network of friends.. so of course they have no real concept of how debilitating loneliness of too many weeks months yrs can be.. saps your self confidence along with losing your natural communication skills you once had .. to make conversation…that’s interesting
smart witty fun loving. Inner self seems to have slowly evaporated.. although we don’t necessarily realise this.. unless like myself was invited to a rare social occasion …was tongue tied feeling awkward with nothing much to say… quietly sneaked off as early as l could.. Now l have over the years learnt to be my own best friend and happily spend days alone in my flat feeling safe at peace and happy within myself even in doors l often when alone have long enjoyable conversations out loud with myself. I never tell anyone l will be on my own at Christmas.. matter of pride and fear l will be further rejected so l Smile and say l’m fine tell them about all the goodies l have brought which is true.. and quickly switch the conversation on to them telling me about all their plans they are making for the big yearly family get together.. l have learnt to be thankful for all l do have…that l am fortunate to have a comfortable income
that allows me to keep warm and eat every day.. Over the years l have loved more my solitary Christmas’s especially the joy l have playing all my Christmas Hymns and singing all the popular seasonal songs. In conclusion… Take heart for we are not really alone We all Matter. I personally believe we all came into this world simply to learn to Care for one another.. and to learn how to give unconditional love .. especially to a stranger in genuine need ..for me personally the less selfish l have learnt to be ..the happier and more peaceful l truly have become within my heart. Every warm wish and happiness too you Robbi in 2023

Roobi

Thank you - I wasn’t necessarily expecting her to get in touch on Christmas Day itself, but just hoped for some contact over the Christmas period, especially given that I’m ill. But thanks for the comments!

I think you have really good reason to draw back from this so called friendship.
What real friend wouldn’t have rung to wish you a Happy Christmas?
I would, if you had been my friend I know that.

You have a bit of a mismatch in situations, she has family around and you sadly don't.

Yes it would be nice of her to call but it could be that she meant to and got distracted.

I think next year it would be really good for you to find somewhere that single people can celebrate Christmas and try to find some friends who share your situation and who can relate to you on a different level than this friend can

Dibbydod

I know exactly how you feel as when I’d lost my partner just before Christmas three years ago , my best friend of over 40 years phoned me up to tell me that there is no room for me at her Christmas dinner table as she has all her family over ( six of them ) . That hurt me an awful lot because I know that if it had been the other way around then I’d have invited her over for Christmas dinner even if I had house full of people around , because she is my friend and that would be important to me to include her . Since then it’s put a strain on our friendship even thought we’ve never talked about it .
Personally, I think that a quick text to ask if your ok ect ect would have been a nice thought . When people are happy in their own little bubble they don’t think of others who are on their own .

Dibbydod, I’m so sorry to hear this and hope you’ve managed to have happier Christmases since. My reaction would have been the same as yours - isn’t welcoming people what Christmas is meant to be about, and even more so if they’re your close friends? I suppose friendships shift over time even if they’re long ones, and it’s probably no bad thing now and again to reassess them if the circumstances change?

It's a horrible time to feel unwell Roobi. We've both been poorly too, not COVID thank goodness, so have struggled this year but at least we have each other. Much worse to be on your own.

Feel better soon and take care.

Hi, thanks for that. I’ve no intention of ending the friendship, just re-evaluating whether I’m placing too much value on it, as at the moment it feels rather one-sided. That feeling isn’t based on this event alone, but on a number of things over the last year or so. I didn’t say I expected a call on Christmas Day, just hoped my friend would be in touch at some point over the Christmas period. As I mentioned, I can’t go anywhere at the moment as I have COVID but no, I no longer have any family. Personally I wouldn’t want to see any of my close friends alone and poorly over Christmas without getting in touch. It’s the time when family and friends are meant to be at the forefront?

Sorry you are do poorly btw, I have been oorly over Christmas too and it's really easy to feel like you are missing out

When people are happy in their own little bubble they don’t think of others who are on their own

This is true. People in families can be soooo selfish and self absorbed. They see only that someone who is single (whether by choice or bereaved/divorced) has no one to be responsible to or for. It does not occur to them that you have all the same responsibilities but (usually) only one income. And if you have to walk away from a task or situation (say through illness) its still there waiting for you. Whereas family people can delgate a partner or offspring to step in.

Christmas may be a bad time for those who do not wish to be alone. However its also a frantic time for families as well especially if they are hosting. I feel that it was mean of your friend not to invite you - whats one more guest when you have a house full.

You said you have been thinking about this for a few months, what has been causing this?

Could she also be feeling things are off her end?

How have your recent conversations been, have they been awkward or strained?

The best thing to do is talk things out before you let the friendship go. You have nothing to lose and may find you have a stronger relationship afterwards

Thank you - I’m quite ill with COVID at the moment so not easy to just relax and enjoy, unfortunately.

Thank you - I wasn’t necessarily expecting her to get in touch on Christmas Day itself, but just hoped for some contact over the Christmas period, especially given that I’m ill. But thanks for the comments!

I couldn't have done that either Dibbydod.

Thanks Bluebelle. Sorry if I didn’t express myself clearly, but I meant that I’m reevaluating this friendship based on a number of things over the past few months. I sense a shift from my friend.

I know exactly how you feel as when I’d lost my partner just before Christmas three years ago , my best friend of over 40 years phoned me up to tell me that there is no room for me at her Christmas dinner table as she has all her family over ( six of them ) . That hurt me an awful lot because I know that if it had been the other way around then I’d have invited her over for Christmas dinner even if I had house full of people around , because she is my friend and that would be important to me to include her . Since then it’s put a strain on our friendship even thought we’ve never talked about it .
Personally, I think that a quick text to ask if your ok ect ect would have been a nice thought . When people are happy in their own little bubble they don’t think of others who are on their own .

Christmas is the time of year when emotions can run high, positive and negative so I agree that you need to re evaluate when all the hype's died down Roobi.

Maybe she was too busy. A quick message on social media, takes up less time than a 'phone call. Maybe there was a lot of back ground noise as her family celebrated, and she thought that might be difficult for you to hear.

Good friends don't come around that often and if she's your closest and oldest friend, think very carefully before letting her go.

what would you usually do on christmas day? i was widowed for the second time and this is my second christmas on my own, i could have gone to my sons or my mums but decided to stay on my own, it is just another day, your friend choose to spend time with her family, nothing wrong with that, why did you need a phone call? millions of people spend christmas on there own every year, if you think ending a friendship because she was busy with her family and did not phone you then that is very sad, i understand the pain of loosing your other half, i am 59 and have been through it twice. i don't know what age you are or if you have family, maybe next year you could go and have dinner with others who are on there own or help out at a place that is serving dinner. don't be to quick to end a friendship as you may regret it.

If you fall out with your closest friend you'll be even more lonely and have damaged a friendship.. not worth it IMO

Shouldn't we be responsible for our own Christmas? Alone, or not alone, spoil yourself and make a plan for the day to be kind to yourself. Friends, relatives and the world will never be able to make up for what we are missing. Only we can take the steps towards what we want. Also, I think Christmas is highly overrated with all the advertising, socialising and the expectations are too high. Relax. do your own thing and enjoy.

She’s your oldest and closest friend - I wouldn’t let a slight slip-up on a very, very busy day for everyone, spoil your long friendship. Probably she did try and the lines were busy. Some for you

I think trying to reassess a friendship based on Christmas attitudes is not a good idea, of course in an ideal world she should have rung to see if you’re ok, but she may be busy with her family for the period and you really can’t judge by the fact she wrote a brief post on Fb

I d dig your heels in and try your best to get through the holiday…. Christmas isn’t good for lots and lots of people

Re-evaluate after Christmas is over and if you feel up to it tell her you were disappointed not to hear from her I doubt it’s anything more than life taking over briefly