Domestic Abuse, Victims and Perpetrators UK

I agree with you Cossy, but I’d like to add that 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse and violence are male. ONS.
Maybe more, as men are unlikely to come forward and report abuse.

I support a women's refuges in my area. I do find it depressing that that figure of nearly 2 women killed a week has remained static for a very long time.

I can add a very depressing news item from 10 October 2025.

It has been disclosed that 129 Metropolitan police, who are still working as front line officers, are under investigation for sexual and/or domestic abuse.

While living in London, I had more than one personal experience of verbal abuse of a misogynistic, sexual nature from several members of the Met.

I would hazard a guess that this behaviour is not exclusive to the Met.

If the significant minority of police officers who behave in this way are among the men who are supposed to be preventing this behaviour, I begin to despair.

Well done you Cossy, I imagine that kind of work is extremely exhausting emotionally but so important.
Sadly I think is a culture of misogyny, with the likes of the Tate brothers and sites online that can make some young men feel it is ok to treat girls and women badly. I believe there are videos online showing men beating and strangling girls and whilst raping them and I also believe that school age boys are watching thus in some instances.
The majority of men do not, however, turn out to be violent towards women, but a big enough minority do. And without government funding to provide more refuges and local projects aimed at rehabilitating men who are violent towards women what can we do??
Why is it inevitable that every year women will be murdered by men they should have been able to trust??

I find the rehabilitation of men who abuse women very tricky I am afraid, I am sure it happens and I know people who are very supportive of that approach but I cant help be cynical about it.

We have four boys and 5 GS’s.

From day one I have drummed into them how not to treat or speak to women, as has my DH.

Men’s and boy’s attitudes are formed from an early age in the home. If they see their father or any male role model being respectful to their mother and other female family members that is when they begin to learn respect and how to interact with the opposite sex.

Unfortunately some boys have not got a stable male role model, some see their mother abused by their father. With some boys this makes them go on to abuse, with others it can make them go the other way and respect others.

All we as mothers and grandmothers can do is educate the males within our family.

GrannyGravy13

We have four boys and 5 GS’s.

From day one I have drummed into them how not to treat or speak to women, as has my DH.

Men’s and boy’s attitudes are formed from an early age in the home. If they see their father or any male role model being respectful to their mother and other female family members that is when they begin to learn respect and how to interact with the opposite sex.

Unfortunately some boys have not got a stable male role model, some see their mother abused by their father. With some boys this makes them go on to abuse, with others it can make them go the other way and respect others.

All we as mothers and grandmothers can do is educate the males within our family.

I agree, some boys are brutalised by a violent and dysfunctional home and by the community in which they live where there could be high levels of criminality and violence in general, and the ‘harder’ a man is the more kudos he will get in such an environment. To break the cycle is hard because once released these men will return to these communities with bragging rights due to time served.
But not all domestic abusers are from this background, it can happen right across the board.

J52

I agree with you Cossy, but I’d like to add that 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse and violence are male. ONS.
Maybe more, as men are unlikely to come forward and report abuse.

Yes I agree. I’m focusing on women in this thread though.

There’s been a huge increase in female to male domestic abuse and within same sex couples.

It’s not trivial.

Galaxy

I find the rehabilitation of men who abuse women very tricky I am afraid, I am sure it happens and I know people who are very supportive of that approach but I cant help be cynical about it.

I understand that completely.

But I guess it depends very much on whether you believe people can change.

I believe in penalties, punishment, rehabilitation and restorative justice need to play a huge and almost equal role in our criminal justice systems.

GrannyGravy13

We have four boys and 5 GS’s.

From day one I have drummed into them how not to treat or speak to women, as has my DH.

Men’s and boy’s attitudes are formed from an early age in the home. If they see their father or any male role model being respectful to their mother and other female family members that is when they begin to learn respect and how to interact with the opposite sex.

Unfortunately some boys have not got a stable male role model, some see their mother abused by their father. With some boys this makes them go on to abuse, with others it can make them go the other way and respect others.

All we as mothers and grandmothers can do is educate the males within our family.

🙏🙏 I couldn’t agree more!!

I hear you, and I understand you want to focus on women’s experiences in this thread. But the reason I bring it up is that domestic abuse against men is so often treated as a secondary issue or a footnote. Recognizing that 1 in 3 victims is male doesn't take away from the severity of what women experience—it just highlights that domestic abuse is a human crisis that requires equal empathy, reporting mechanisms, and support. I speak as a mother whose son has experienced domestic abuse.

anna7

I hear you, and I understand you want to focus on women’s experiences in this thread. But the reason I bring it up is that domestic abuse against men is so often treated as a secondary issue or a footnote. Recognizing that 1 in 3 victims is male doesn't take away from the severity of what women experience—it just highlights that domestic abuse is a human crisis that requires equal empathy, reporting mechanisms, and support. I speak as a mother whose son has experienced domestic abuse.

I do understand and you are right

I agree with all the above messages
However, I believe that some young girls and women think that it is OK to be treated badly
It is equally important to educate girls to know that is not ok to be hurt physically or emotionally and to ask for advice about continuing the relationship. Someone who hurts you does not love you. It is abuse and against the law

Unfortunately the victims often stay or return to the abuser and often they withdraw support for a prosecution which can then only take place if there is other evidence such as cctv or recordings of emergency calls or witnesses

This is my first post here. I’m a man in my mid-60s, and when I was young I was abused by an older woman. I recognise that my experience was different from the appalling violence and coercive control endured by so many women, but it left me with a lasting understanding of the harm one person can inflict upon another. I became determined that I would never knowingly make anyone else feel violated, controlled or unsafe.

What you describe is horrifying, particularly the lack of suitable refuge provision and the loss of preventive work through funding cuts. Teaching young people about consent, coercion, respect and healthy relationships seems every bit as important as helping victims after abuse has already occurred. Thank you for the work you did and for raising this. I certainly had no help and found a way through it, and have told no-one, including closest family members

I volunteer at a charity which supports all women who need our services but the majority have or are experiencing abuse in its variety of forms.

The education of women to recognise potential abuse in its early stages is really important. An abuser does not enter into a relationship showing what he is but there are signs (red flags).

Well done Cossy for raising this very important topic.

GG13 is quite right. I think the same go for girls too. Young girls who don’t hear much normal conversations between men and women but a barage of swearing and sexual comments can feel that they are of little value and too easily grow up into victims.
So much funding was cut because of no quick measurable results when it can take a generation to bring about change.

Such an important subject and so much work still to be done at very basic levels.

There's a thread on here about a TV programme in which acts of horrendous sexual abuse, rape and even murder are carried out by police officers and the investigation surrounding one of the murders (it's based on a true story).

Suddenly the talk on the thread turns away from the issue in hand and turns to what and how much "work" one of the actresses has had done. I couldn't help but make a comment about discussing the actresses looks and whether they had been enhanced on this particular thread, but one of the posters involved told everyone to "take no notice" of me.

If women themselves are so astonishingly unaware, there's a long road to travel.

I was a volunteer for the Witness Service for a very long time. I supported a HighRanking army officer who was a DA Victim. As well as all the other emotions involved he was really embarrassed that it would come out and he would be mocked for being weak.

Currently, I am trying to support DH's neice who has suffered both Domestic Abuse and all the things that go along with a coercive and controlling husband for 35 years. His father was well known for it and now his son is behaving in the same way.

and now the govt is letting out these abusers after very short time to save money.

For Franp, that "letting out after a very short time" - prison may well have come as a nasty shock. And it's not to save money, it's to make space.

Prisoners have for many years come out with time off for good behaviour, and any such victim knows that the criminal will be coming out AT SOME POINT, so they have to expect to deal with that. Too logical?

THIS scheme has prisoners being released a little earlier, BUT under strict license conditions, including exclusion zones. That's likely a better plan than just letting them out?

NB >> Instead of moaning on here - quite pointless, except to make you feel better? -- WRITE to your local MP, and to newspapers of your choice, re getting foreign prisoners sent back where they came from. You could also suggest building more prisons - plenty of space in remote corners of the UK - so that we have enough cells to lock up everyone for life, the logical extension of what repeated folk on here complain about prisoners coming out 'early'.

That’s a harsh post DrWatson Why is it moaning FranP made her point which is as valid as any

I spent ten years in a voluntary role for rape and abuse victims We set up the first male abuse help for men in our area which was held separately, so there were no crossovers. It wasn’t deemed necessary by some and the numbers are small compare to female abuse but anyone who needs help should be able to find it
I could say such a lot more about the facility and it’s work but maybe best not

FranP

and now the govt is letting out these abusers after very short time to save money.

One of the reasons why domestic abusers are being let out earlier is partly because men who physically attack their partners are charged under the same category as men who attack anyone else - there is no separate category for domestic attacks - and that is not the fault of this government but of prior legislation.

Also, they are not being released "to save money" - it's to free-up prison spaces for the numbers of individuals who've been charged, but have yet to be tried... there is simply not enough room for future prisoners.

I would also point out that the previous Conservative government also released thousands of prisoners early for the exact same reason: severe overcrowding and a lack of prison space.

It's far from ideal - especially for the spouses/partners who've been victims of abuse who are going to have to rely on the restrictions put in place on these men which are being over-seen by an overwhelmed probationary service... but let's stick to the facts as they are known.

I would say the amount of DA victims that seek or receive help is minimal.

Many victims suffer silently for decades.

They are frightened and often too ashamed to seek help.

Abusers are clever and will have made their victim feel worthless, they will believe they are a terrible person and deserve the treatment meted out to them.

Sadly suicide can be the preferred option for these poor victims.