Should I say something?

I just think this is such a difficult situation as her friend. But first of all, a year ago isn’t very long. As for counselling, can she afford it? Any free counselling NHS or charity is often only six weeks which isn’t usually enough. In this area private sessions cost around £60 and finding the right ‘fit’ isn’t always easy. As for a bereavement group, there’s very mixed responses to those. I know myself that it’s the last thing that would help me. What would I do as a friend? Arranging to see her on her own and talking gently to her would be what I would hope to be able to do. Talking to her in a group could feel quite overwhelming to her and a bit ‘bullying’ even. But I’ll repeat again a year is no time at all.

Helping someone with their grief - not to "get over it", but to navigate around it, relies on the person actually doing a little bit, too.

Maybe gently encourage her to talk to a therapist … I have clients in the same situation and it gives them a safe space to talk, and find a way of moving forward with the grief.

Nice comment

Beechnut

I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t know you were supposed to to have stopped crying after ten years.

Quite right, a really ignorant comment to have been made!

I agree that your friend needs 1 to 1 counselling to try and get her past this stage of being stuck in grief. I don't think its fair on you and the members of your friendship group to try to continue to help her when I expect you all have done a lot so far.

Grief is a terrible emotion and feels as though someone is twisting a knife in your guts .
People deal with it in different ways -a member of my family chain smoked ,drank excessive amounts of alcohol and had severe agoraphobia .
I've met other people who've turned into parry girls -wearing sexy clothes and having relationships with much younger men .
The majority seem to do as this lady does talk about it endlessly.
We have several of them at church .
They have a weekly counselling group.
This is available at most churches whether you are a believer or not .

I would also suggest counselling again.

I'm a weeper and am sure I'd still weep after 10 years! I still weep alongside my friends whose husbands died 10 years ago. ..
I suppose the difference is that that weeping is sometimes "normal" - even expected - happy/sad memories just triggered by something - having a difficult day, a loved one missing a special occasion etc.

The prolonged weeping at every turn after (say) 10 years is not the same.
I feel very sad for this person, and, with kindness, think she needs some professional support.

Interesting FGR2. My friend certainly sounds like this. I'm seeing her today. I'll try to mention that she should see that counsellor again.

From Wiki:

“A person can become stuck in the grieving process. This is known as prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief. When this happens, intense pain and yearning do not ease over time, and daily life stays very hard.”

The widow sounds ‘stuck’ in her grief to me. Continually going over and over how it happened isn’t just grief (in my opinion) it’s unhealthy rumination. She needs professional help (in my opinion), not just friendship, to unlock this cycle.

We had a lady in our block, who would knock at our doors, clutching her husbands ashes urn, then fall to her knees, sobbing.
She didn't want to do anything or go anywhere, unless it was his grave, and as unpopular as it might be, I grew heartily sick of her, as did everyone else in the block.

Well said grey fur.

It sounds like PTSD and grief. The poor lady may need professional help.

I recall somebody being brave enough to say this to me, it was the best thing.

I would suggest that if you felt strong enough, maybe invite her to a one to one coffee and suggest going back to counselling.

Despite her grief, she must realise that not everyone wants to hear and talk about it all the time.
There are times to pack it away into it's box.
If that's impossible for her at this time, perhaps she could give the odd meeting a miss.

Nobody wants to hear it all the time, with the best will in the world.

It’s a kind gesture to say let this lady talk but I think from Aveline’s description, the issue is that her monopolisation of the conversation is preventing other people from talking. Other people may need to share their worries or distress as well but their needs are being sidelined in favour of one person.

There's no stopping her talking. I wish she'd go back to the counsellor as I'm sure she'd be more use to her than us. The bereavement group might be better too as she'd not be the only one grieving. She got fed up with others talking about themselves at it. It was almost comical when she complained to us about the others talking about themselves all the time.

I feel sorry for your friend Aveline, I had a circle of friends who gradually evaporated after my DH had a massive stroke, partially because I wasn’t always available but also because I found myself talking about my life as a full time carer, which is a bit miserable and I might have cried on occasion. Now I try hard not to talk about it even though my life is quite lonely and I have nobody to confide in, certainly I wouldn’t bother family, and really don’t want to go for counselling or therapy. Just a chat but I know that my lived experience might make others feel awkward or bored.
This friend has a very different lived experience but she also sounds as if she needs to talk about her grief, a year isn’t long, I would let her talk.

I would stick with this lady too. I’m a good listener and I’m always happy to listen to anyone. Especially someone grieving.

Grief affects different people in different ways. GG

I think this sums it up.

Personally I’d still stick with this lady, even if others in the group don’t. Say nothing but be patient and kind.

Grief can be all consuming and a year is nothing. It must be difficult if this person is taking over all the conversations but she may not be aware as she is so focused on her own grief.
Perhaps a very gentle word with her may help her realise. Of course she could take umbrage so it would have to be handled carefully.

Beechnut

I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t know you were supposed to to have stopped crying after ten years.

Grief is so personal and we all deal with it in our own awkward way.

To comment about someone “still crying 10 years later”, is both crass and rude.

I’m not a widow, but I still cry sometimes when I think of my parents who died in 2016 and 2022 respectively.

Grief has no rules, no deadlines and no respect, grief can be overwhelming or can be locked away.

Just let people grieve in their own way and their own time.

In respect to your “friend”, you could just try cutting across her now and again with a change of subject.

Grief affects different people in different ways.

Maybe she is unaware of monopolising the group.

Its a difficult situation