^Spongers, cheats and liars - everything I have learnt about men in a lifetime of dating^

The DM is known for it’s click-baiting. It's very misleading and unfair:

The article is by a woman who describes herself as a “love coach and therapist” giving dating advice.

Here’s the piece with the paywall removed:

archive.is/20260603121841/https://www.dailymail.com/lifestyle/love-sex/article-15870157/LUCY-CAVENDISH-60-dating-men-women.html#selection-555.0-583.93

Starts:

When I walked down the aisle for the first time at the age of 50 nearly a decade ago now, I thought I’d won the love lottery. No more dating. No more nights wondering if I was ever going to meet someone. As a single mother of four, I gratefully welcomed the end of managing holidays by myself, carting children around the globe plus endless luggage. The sense that I would actually end my days with this person was such a relief, I almost fainted. Now, I realise, I was wrapped up in a fairy tale, hopelessly in love with a man eight years my senior who could never truly love me back. Indeed, the best way of putting it is that there were three of us in the marriage. By 54, I was divorced. And, as I turn 60 later this year, it occurs to me how wildly differently I feel about love now. These last ten years have taught me some very hard lessons. I have endured some serious knocks. But from each one I’ve learned something invaluable about men, love, fidelity and compromise. I’ve spent a fortune on therapy – and I’ve even trained to be a relationship counsellor myself. This means I’m entering my 60s feeling more clear-sighted and, yes, hopeful than ever before.

Advice No.1: Do not ignore red flags

I have always been a romantic. I would whirl around, giddy in love, saying ‘I’m going to marry him’ after date number two. Indeed, I thought I was going to marry all of my exes.

The behaviours she describes are more to do with her rushing into relationships with men with whom she was never compatible e.g.

I’ve spent so many years putting other people’s wishes ahead of my own. For example, my ex-husband was mad keen on boating holidays so instead of saying I’d rather sit on a sun lounger in the South of France, I spent countless weekends on a freezing, spider-infested narrowboat.

No evidence at all that he was a sponger, a cheat or a liar. He just liked narrowboats.

Its click baiting.

To be fair that is a red flag.

It usnt just the Mail though, there has been some constant messaging against boys in particular that I have sone level of concern about, you often see people dismissed online for being a white man, etc. I myself talk frequently about the need to look at male violence, etc but there is something in what Monica is saying.

I’m sick of this sort of reporting. Our adult son is a gentle, kind young man as are his friendship group. Yes, there are some awful men, violent and misogynistic, my own father and brother bring perfect examples, but after a lifetime’s experience, I believe the majority are decent people just peaceably living their lives.

How must it feel to be a young man, especially post Covid when millions gave up so much for others, to be surrounded by the narrative that they’re toxic?

I agree absolutely Basgetti. I am a divorced woman, and that is not my view of all men.
Some men, of course, are violent, some are misogynist and some are just unpleasant.
Some women, of course , are violent ( albeit a much smaller percentage, of course), some are misandrist, and some are just unpleasant.
Reprehensible behaviour is not confined to one gender, whatever experiences endured by the writer of the article.

Chocolatelovinggran

I agree absolutely Basgetti. I am a divorced woman, and that is not my view of all men.
Some men, of course, are violent, some are misogynist and some are just unpleasant.
Some women, of course , are violent ( albeit a much smaller percentage, of course), some are misandrist, and some are just unpleasant.
Reprehensible behaviour is not confined to one gender, whatever experiences endured by the writer of the article.

Thank you. It’s really a quite upsetting narrative. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be a good, kind young man surrounded by this stuff.

MOinca has hit the nail on the head........how I loved the fellas when young, rose tinted glasses did'nt come into it, after a lifetime of being used and treated really badly, I see them as they really are. One way or another women will always be taken for a ride.

I got married at 21, married for 47 yrs, put hubby and sons first, but would never get married again, times running out, need to put myself first, scattering my mums ashes today, times running out for everyone,

I understand how you feel.
Since having cancer and some other health issues I decided to look after myself too. 💐

Agree it is a very toxic world right now.
I have a son who is clever kind and loving. I also have a daughter who also is clever kind and loving. We need more of those in the world to show the way by example. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💐

There are toxic men who prey on women, there are toxic women who prey on men.

Some couplings are disastrous, for many reasons.

We have three daughters and two sons, none, in our opinion, are toxic and awful, but our younger two daughters do call them both to task if they feel their speech or attitude is borderline or anywhere close to sexist!

As I always say, good and bad is everywhere, and if we raise our children, irrespective of biological sex, to be respectful, independent and confident young people who feel valued and loved, with a work ethic, they and us won’t go far wrong.

Chocolatelovinggran

I agree absolutely Basgetti. I am a divorced woman, and that is not my view of all men.
Some men, of course, are violent, some are misogynist and some are just unpleasant.
Some women, of course , are violent ( albeit a much smaller percentage, of course), some are misandrist, and some are just unpleasant.
Reprehensible behaviour is not confined to one gender, whatever experiences endured by the writer of the article.

👏👏👏👏

In my experience, both men and women are capable of reprehensible behaviour. This is a typical DM piece of journalism.

Essexgirl145

MOinca has hit the nail on the head........how I loved the fellas when young, rose tinted glasses did'nt come into it, after a lifetime of being used and treated really badly, I see them as they really are. One way or another women will always be taken for a ride.

"as they really are"!!! What, ALL men? 🙄🙄

Such ridiculous generalisations are exactly what the media does ..which was Monica's point I think!

Some forums are too. eg this one. Allira has been treated very badly.

Madgran77

Essexgirl145

MOinca has hit the nail on the head........how I loved the fellas when young, rose tinted glasses did'nt come into it, after a lifetime of being used and treated really badly, I see them as they really are. One way or another women will always be taken for a ride.

"as they really are"!!! What, ALL men? 🙄🙄

Such ridiculous generalisations are exactly what the media does ..which was Monica's point I think!

Yes it was. Essexgirl45 is doing exactly what the author of this statement was doing playing others for her behaviour and not seeing her own contribution to it.

Essexgirl45 says how I loved the fellas when young, rose tinted glasses did'nt come into it,

A lot of women were far more discriminating in their reaction to men and have far happier experiences. Not only have I been married to the same man for nearly 60 years but most of my life was spent working in predominantly male environments and I have always found that men come in characters that . are many and various, from the womanisers, violent and generally devious to the pleasant, honest and committed men, committed to their wives, families and work. Not that much different to women

I am sorry to read so many have not been happy in their relationship. Just thought I’d add a positive marriage.

I first met my late husband when aged 15 and he was 17. I was in my last year before what we called our O’level exams. He would always sit next to me on the bus until I started to wear fish net tights!
We both went our separate ways until we met again when we were both waiting at our local train station for a train to London where we worked. However, I changed jobs so again we didn’t meet for a few years.
I was waiting for a country bus at the bus station, when I spotted him. From then on we remained together until he died in 2014.

Sadly I happened to walk past two young men in some scaffolding a couple of days ago, they quite clearly didn’t realise I could hear their conversation, what J heard “ you get angry at work then you go home and beat the s’’t out of your bird” and while he may have been appearing macho in front of his mate, the normalisation of discourse such as this is concerning

As a single mother of four, I gratefully welcomed the end of managing holidays by myself, carting children around the globe plus endless luggage. The sense that I would actually end my days with this person was such a relief, I almost fainted. Now, I realise, I was wrapped up in a fairy tale, hopelessly in love with a man eight years my senior who could never truly love me back. Indeed, the best way of putting it is that there were three of us in the marriage.

Only three?

In my unromantic pragmatist view, when a woman with four children marries a man aged 58, that marriage includes a minimum of six people and at least four of them are likely to be rather immature.

Before we even count the exes on both sides. Gone but not forgotten.

Shirls52000

Sadly I happened to walk past two young men in some scaffolding a couple of days ago, they quite clearly didn’t realise I could hear their conversation, what J heard “ you get angry at work then you go home and beat the s’’t out of your bird” and while he may have been appearing macho in front of his mate, the normalisation of discourse such as this is concerning

How old were they? Haven’t heard a young man call his girlfriend or wife his “bird” for about 20 years. Don’t think our 23 year old son would know what it meant.

polly123

In my experience, both men and women are capable of reprehensible behaviour. This is a typical DM piece of journalism.

I wouldn't dignify it by calling it journalism. It's just a trashy word soup put together by a "love coach" looking for publicity.
Love coach🙄! How on earth have we all managed to stumble through life, loves and broken hearts all these years without the services and sagacity of such a person? I am starting to believe whoever it was who said that those who the gods would destroy, they first make mad.

Monica A lot of women were far more discriminating in their reaction to men and have far happier experiences. Not only have I been married to the same man for nearly 60 years but most of my life was spent working in predominantly male environments and I have always found that men come in characters that . are many and various, from the womanisers, violent and generally devious to the pleasant, honest and committed men, committed to their wives, families and work. Not that much different to women

Exactly! Generalising personality and behavioural traits on the basis of one's experience with one person is just ridiculous! Coming up to 50 years for me Monica! And similar experiences in my working life to you as well!

Aveline

Some forums are too. eg this one. Allira has been treated very badly.

I'm not sure I understand? Which forum? Allira? Have I missed something?