"I know there are people worse off than me"

I think that most people at some point have something personal to grumble about, if only to let off steam, as they say. I do it myself.

I tend not to compare myself with others - we live in our own world which will be different from someone else's world. It's all about perspective. So, for example, if I put my back out and can hardly move, I don't compare it to someone else's issue, I say something along the lines of "could be worse" or "It's not that bad in the scheme of things ".

Whatever phrase people use, it's really just about trying to make themselves feel better about their own situation at the time, and not everyone will approve of what they say.

Btw sympathies to you also HelterSkelter1, I know your path is hard
💐💐

HelterSkelter1

Sympathies Fallingstar. I understand as in a similar caring situation.

I had an email from a relation minimising a difficult time ahead for me...I just had to forgive and ignore as she is a very positive glass overflowing person. But it did rile. As if she doesnt understand at all...or listen...or remember. I don't need the false encouragement. I just need "that sounds tricky. Hope it goes well" reply.

I think is always good just to validate a person’s problems when they moan and not seek to minimise them as your relative did, or dismiss them as just not as bad as their’s etc.
People need to let off steam, it is healthy and makes them feel a bit lighter, and I know I have listened to others bemoan what I might construe as less problematic situations than mine but I would never say that and continue to listen and nod sympathetically.

Perhaps lots of people having a valid moan feel they shouldnt. It's a shame, because putting your feelings into words for others to read can be a way of off-loading, of finding some relief.
If you don't qualify your post with " I shouldn't grumble, others are worse off" etc, invariably someone will come along to remind you, quite sternly, that you're being self-centred, thoughtless and you should count your blessings.

We need an "I'm having a moan and I'm not apologising for it!" thread.

Sympathies Fallingstar. I understand as in a similar caring situation.

I had an email from a relation minimising a difficult time ahead for me...I just had to forgive and ignore as she is a very positive glass overflowing person. But it did rile. As if she doesnt understand at all...or listen...or remember. I don't need the false encouragement. I just need "that sounds tricky. Hope it goes well" reply.

I have an older sister who lost her DH some years ago and whenever I bemoan my situation as full time carer for my DH who is now disabled due to a massive stroke she promptly snaps ‘well at least he is still alive’.
Have stopped bothering her with my concerns now and try not to say anything to others either because I think they probably feel the same way, get bored, or just pity me.
Even when I write this on here I know I will wish I hadn’t.
But it can be so very hard, and of course I know others have suffered worse than this, but to whom do I turn to if my suffering just isn’t bad enough?

People living in the ‘First World’ have first world problems. The fact that others in different countries have different ones doesn’t change that.

Knowing that there are those with more serious problems doesn’t ease the pain of toothache.

Minimising someone’s suffering by comparing it to others is cruel. I once said that I was concerned for my children because of something going on in the world, and was told that it was worse for my sister, because she has more children than me. I no longer talk to the person who said that about my feelings. I do think she was trying to make me feel better, but that was the final straw, after a lifetime with other straws building up and up.

Expectations make us feel sorry for ourselves. Stop expecting perfection
Everything comes to the same end in the end.

Dreadwitch

No matter what there will always be people worse off, unless you're literally at the bottom and feeding your family by daily trips to the local rubbish dump.

But that doesn't change anyone's current situation or make them less valid.

No, it doesnt change ones current situation or make their struggles less important but did you know some families do not have the luxury of going to a rubbish dump to find food for their children?

But whether we are rich, poor or anything else, I feel uite entitled to feel sorry for myself at the moment because I have spent the last hour or so trying to mop up all the water coming in the kitchen window, pouring over the worktop and onto the floor.

There is a leak in the gutter above, which pours over the window which does not fit perfectly, so it has been coming in at the top of the window. The scaffolding is up to strip and repair the roof and replace the guttering, but meanwhile the rain pours in, 3 bucketsful and one bowl full so far this evening, and I am worrying about it starting again after I have gone to bed. DH's health means he can do little to help.

If the roofer does not come later this morning, we will staple some black plastic to the barge board behind the leaking gutter and drape it over the window. Thankfully it is a single storey extension, so can be temporally sorted without a need for ladders. Could be worse, could be the roof leaking through the ceiling.

To be honest I do often say to my DH there’s people worse off than us and we must count our blessings. And I do.

My SIL anyways says, "Yes, there are, but this is YOUR problem, you're allowed to feel it".

I’m guilty of mentioning children in Africa to my very own children!

To be fair, they’d been moaning for about an hour about “how starving” they were, I got annoyed after they refused fruit or raw vegs and told them that they’d never been starving in their entire lives, like some children in Africa!

They (my darling offspring) further claim I then made them watch a documentary on famine! I don’t recall this!

Bad bad mummy!

The phrase I most detest is someone saying” AT LEAST you can do this or that” It belittles the fact that you are suffering and isn’t at all helpful.

Flippinheck

Norah

I'm all in favour of trying to look on the bright side and being grateful for the good things we have, but it's bad enough living with difficulties without feeling guilty for grumbling and think we have to apologise.

I totally agree.

I tend towards never speaking to my difficulties, but they exist. I do not like anyone minimising my problems, I know 'it could be worse.'

Worse is treating me as if I'm stupid.

You think that because I know people have it worse than me, using the word ‘worse’ is minimising your problems and treating you as stupid? How did you arrive at that conclusion?

I'm not at all certain why you quoted me.

Apologies.

Norah

^I'm all in favour of trying to look on the bright side and being grateful for the good things we have, but it's bad enough living with difficulties without feeling guilty for grumbling and think we have to apologise.^

I totally agree.

I tend towards never speaking to my difficulties, but they exist. I do not like anyone minimising my problems, I know 'it could be worse.'

Worse is treating me as if I'm stupid.

You think that because I know people have it worse than me, using the word ‘worse’ is minimising your problems and treating you as stupid? How did you arrive at that conclusion?

NotSpaghetti

I have found this thread quite upsetting.
I have felt part of those who have been targeted for acknowledging other people's pain as well as my own.

AsMoth said, upthread, I like to think I'm able to complain about my lot but also be "fully aware of what’s going on in the wider world".

I don't accept that having empathy is virtue signalling.
This was, in my mind, a pretty miserable put-down.

I am truly grateful for what I do have. I think this is worth saying too.

I agree.

Two TKR, other people have it worse, because they waited for care. My knees hurt, I paid. I have every empathy for knee pain, never mind TKR path.

I have found this thread quite upsetting.
I have felt part of those who have been targeted for acknowledging other people's pain as well as my own.

AsMoth said, upthread, I like to think I'm able to complain about my lot but also be "fully aware of what’s going on in the wider world".

I don't accept that having empathy is virtue signalling.
This was, in my mind, a pretty miserable put-down.

I am truly grateful for what I do have. I think this is worth saying too.

I'm all in favour of trying to look on the bright side and being grateful for the good things we have, but it's bad enough living with difficulties without feeling guilty for grumbling and think we have to apologise.

I totally agree.

I tend towards never speaking to my difficulties, but they exist. I do not like anyone minimising my problems, I know 'it could be worse.'

Worse is treating me as if I'm stupid.

My apologies if I have upset anyone at all by my comments, it was not my intention. I think I may actually come off Gransnet for a while, as it seems to be taking a very negative turn, which is a shame.

MT62

Doodledog

I think it’s more to do with shutting up that person who’s doing the moaning.
Most People don’t want to hear about other people’s aches & pains.
No, it wasn’t. I was a child, and didn’t have aches and pains. It was about controlling speech, and dismissing feelings.

Sorry I am talking about older people, not children.

It's ok. I felt that as you quoted me you were dismissing my post, which I struggle with.

That's the problem with things like this. People all have different experiences, and are hurt by different things. Some feel the need to explain that they know others are worse off, others feel that having that pointed out is minimising their own feelings. Nobody is wrong or right - we are just coming from different perspectives.

I often have to bite my lip or I would come across as a misery guts. Am a full time carer at 76 to my DH who has disabilities caused by a massive stroke one and half years ago. It is such hard work to keep up the Pollyanna attitude to life, sometimes I just want to swear lustily or howl at the moon. But I usually just go into another room and have a good cry.
I know people have it worse off than me but a lot of the time I don’t have a great quality of life and neither does my DH so I do like and I think have earned a good old rant now and again .

Oh sorry was replying to your response to virtue signalling 🫣

I agree Cossy.

No matter what there will always be people worse off, unless you're literally at the bottom and feeding your family by daily trips to the local rubbish dump.

But that doesn't change anyone's current situation or make them less valid.